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I had an abortion just 3 days ago, on Wednesday, at 16-weeks.  I am 20-years-old and have been with my on-again-off-again boyfriend for a little over 4 years. With that being said, during the month you were conceived, I slept with someone else, while I was on a break from my boyfriend.

I completely missed my period, and while I was at work, I took a pregnancy test. I had all kinds of feelings, but I was confused. I wasn’t sure if I should be excited or mad or happy or angry. Over the course of 4 months, I treated you like any mother should. I fell asleep with my hands on my stomach every night. Eating healthy, working out, all to make sure that my little bean was on the right track to being healthy. As weeks passed by, I tried to weigh out my options with what would happen, depending on who your dad was. As weeks passed by, things got a little harder. I had moved out of my parents and was living with my boyfriend. I tried to get a paternity test for you, but I couldn’t afford it. Things went from bad to worse, quickly. Last Saturday, my boyfriend drug me out of my car and after we got inside started hitting us, and I decided I had had enough. I didn’t want this lifestyle for you, for us. But that was just an excuse to do something that I thought I had wanted to do.

The first day I went to the clinic I had to talk to a counselor to make sure that this was what I really wanted. But I couldn’t stop crying long enough to explain to her how I really felt. On my day-two appointment, I was nervous and scared. Because I was so far along, I had to vaginally insert pills inside of me to start the process. Upon receiving the pills I went into the bathroom and held my stomach one last time and told you that I was so sorry and cried and cried… and cried. But I knew if I just shoved them inside of me I would have to go through with it, even if I changed my mind.

The four-hour wait for the medicine to get in my system was the worst four hours of my life. I couldn’t believe what I had done, I kept holding onto my stomach, wondering what was happening to you inside of me. Knowing that I was sitting there murdering my own baby, my own child, my own blood. After the four hours, the nurse called my name to start the procedure. I laid on the chair and the nurse kept pushing my hair back and telling me that everything was going to be okay. With my pants off I laid there apologizing to you over and over again. The medicine began to give me severe cramps and contractions. I was screaming and turning and twisting and I just wanted my mom or my dad to be in there holding me, helping me. I was digging my nails into the chair and started shaking and sweating really bad. I jumped out of my bed and ran down the hall to the bathroom with my IV in my arm.

My nurse came into the bathroom and I was screaming at her, demanding that she got out and gave me some privacy. It was at that very moment that I knew I didn’t want to finish the procedure. I wanted you, I wanted to take away all of the pain you were feeling. While in the bathroom as I was pushing to pee, something fell out of me and water went all over my thighs and was dripping down my legs. I began screaming and three nurses came into the bathroom to drag me back to my room while explaining to me that my water had just broke.

They held me down on the table and put an oxygen mask around my face. I was shaking so bad and by then was drenched in sweat. My head was shaking so bad, and I was kicking my legs. I saw the doctor walk into the room and she went to shake my hand and I just kept telling her, please don’t hurt me, please don’t hurt me. The last thing I remember is one of the nurses telling me that she was going to begin my sedation.

After what seemed a short while I woke up with no pants on, feeling embarrassed. I put my pants back on and sat down in the wheel chair. I was moved to a recovery room where I was left to think about what had just happened to us.

I am so sorry I chose to be so selfish. And I know that I will never get you back. I didn’t even give you a chance, to grow, or to become someone. I turned my back on someone that loved me. Someone that honestly needed me, for just five more months. I puked on the drive home from being so sick to my stomach from what I had just done. I think about you all the time. I wonder what you looked like, what your nose looked like, if you would have been my first boy or girl. I made the biggest mistake of my life. Something I will never choose to endure again. I hope that one day I get to meet you and explain to you why I made the selfish choice I made. I hope that you forgive me. I love you and you will always be my first child. I hope you hold part of me wherever you are and know that I wasn’t thinking right and I would do anything to have you back. I wish that I could hold you and kiss you. My mom gave me the gift of life, and I took that from you, and here I am, laying in my boyfriend’s bed crying about something that never was supposed to happen. I should have moved out, I should have told the nurse no when she asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this today, I should have listened to my heart and I should have been the best mom in the world for you. I just want you back.

I want to be your Mom now, when it’s too late.

I Love You.

I feel so empty inside.

Age: 20
Location: Ohio
Date: June 9, 2012

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