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My biggest fear when I discovered I was pregnant was the shame. I was determined to have an abortion. But it hurt particularly when the baby's father said, to loosely translate it, "we're going to get rid of it." It sank in that I had been used, and now I and my unborn child had been unequivocally rejected by the person we most needed affirmation and protection from. Worse still, he had dehumanized the baby by referring to him as "it." I believe I was at least two weeks into the pregnancy and at most four weeks in when I took the pill. To be completely honest, I felt relief that night, but the pain kicked in as early as the next morning. I could not believe that, at such a young age, I had added an abortion to my life history. I literally stared at what came out of my body (it looked like menstrual flow) and wept at the loss of a child. I had murdered my own child, and worse still, flushed his precious body down the drain. I repented about it for months in vain. Until one night, exhausted and confused, I asked God what He would have had me do, and what He thought of the abortion. I knew it was sinful, and I was thus guilty; and I knew that His verdict would be so, yet it seemed that an abortion was the only way out of my difficult situation. Inwardly, I justified my sinful action, even though I badly wanted to repent of it. So I asked out of sincere honesty. The answer I received, paraphrased, was that I was forgetting my initial sin of fornication which brought the mess of an illegitimate pregnancy in the first place. Sin always leads to death; there's no going around it - and in my case, it was an emotional as well as a physical death. That night, I was able to repent fully of both sins and receive forgiveness. The burden of guilt from the abortion was lifted off my shoulder, but the sense of loss is present to this day. Fear and panicked anxiety remain within my heart, especially because a godly young man is courting me, and I'm unsure how he'll react when I tell him, or how the past will affect our future relations. I know I'm telling him as soon as I can, but cannot even begin to imagine how. :'(

Age: 21
Location: Uganda
Date: July 30, 2012

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