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While camping during the first weekend of July 2007, I had sex with a friend of mine and ended up getting pregnant. I found out on July 20, went to Planned Parenthood on the 21st of July [and] made the appointment for the 3rd of August. When I first found out, I called my pastor, who I had been working for for over two years, and told him that I was backing out of youth ministry and that I wasn’t gonna be doing it for awhile because there were some issues that I needed to deal with, and I couldn’t be in leadership while dealing with these issues. He was upset and pretty mad at first. He met with me and tried to change my mind and had four different people call me and try to change my mind. But my mind was already made up, and I can be a little stubborn at times. At this time in my life I was emotionless and didn’t let things bother me. I had a heart of stone. So I really didn’t think it was going to affect me much, because nothing up to that point had hurt me. I just ignored it. But I didn’t have a clue what I was about to endure. August 3, 2007 came along, and I went to my appointment. I went into the room, they gave me one Vicodin, and ten minutes later I was on the table laying down. The doctor told me that I would feel a little pain and it began. I had one nurse holding a heating pad on my stomach and running her fingers though my hair. And than I felt the pain he was talking about. He took his knife thing, and I felt him scraping the inside walls of my uterus, and I remember moving my head to the side so as to not see my friend who was holding my hand throw up. I saw the guy take the vacuum that they were using to catch all the stuff that they cut away in to a bowl. I watched them just dump it into the bowl like it was nothing. That was when it hit me that I had just killed someone, and that someone was MY kid. I laid there on the table not ready to move after it was done, and I remember two tears falling. I think that’s all I allowed myself to feel. After that, I remember walking around feeling HORRIBLE and [thinking] everyone knew what I did. I had to meet once a week for an hour with my pastor for 6 weeks. I told him everything he WANTED to hear, but I just ignored [the abortion]. I never thought about it. I never once talked about it. I thought if I ignored it long enough that maybe it would just disappear. Like nothing ever happened. For the longest time I thought I did something that no one would be able to forgive me for. I didn’t think God would forgive me because I had killed one of his precious children without even a second thought. I thought I was doomed forever–that if I worked hard enough to live the perfect life, go to church more, serve more, do more for him, that I would some how earn his forgiveness. Let me tell you that is one of the biggest lies I ever believed. No matter how much I tried, I always failed. After all I did, I still felt like scum–worthless, dirty, unforgiven, unloved, and unlovable. I mean, come on, who can love and forgive someone that killed their own child?… The healing began on a COLD, grey day at the old warehouse by the mall. … [a friend told me] something about God needing me to deal with some huge things and that I needed to deal with them and that it was gonna be hard and not feel good but to stay strong and to deal with it and let God deal with it all… There was a war going on in my heart. Satan wanted to keep me where I was, in the dark place of regret and low self esteem and part of me wanted to because it was all I ever knew. It was comfortable there because I knew what to expect. I knew what to do and how to survive there. But God wanted me to come to him and dance with him in his light and Glory and part of me wanted to do that as well. Well, that night at church, I was praying during worship and [a friend] came to me and said, “I don’t know what this means to you or who this is, but God wants me to tell you that she forgives you.” I knew in that moment what she was talking about and what God was trying to say. And for the 1st time, I began to weep for the child that I had killed two years ago. I felt bad as I first started to cry but then as worship went on, God began to speak to me and work in my heart and by the end I was crying with joy because, even though she was there with Jesus before her time, she was there and saying, “its OK, mom, Jesus is here taking care of me.” During the sermon, I realized for the first time that I was forgiven by God and my child. But there was one person I couldn’t forgive and that was myself. I just didn’t know how to do it. [Someone told me] “when you say you don’t forgive yourself, you’re saying that the blood of Jesus isn’t good enough for you.”… So for the 1st time I CHOSE to forgive myself… I was than able to hear and believe what God was saying about me and to me this whole time. It wasn’t until I dealt with this that He was able to speak to my heart and my mind and change the way I thought about myself. I was able to hear him say that I was FREE, FORGIVEN, LOVED, PURE, HOLY, BEAUTIFUL, HIS BRIDE, HIS BELOVED, PERFECT IN HIM, THAT I WAS PRICELESS. I began to see myself as these things not because of what I was able to do but because I saw Jesus in me…  I was now in a position to hear from God and let him live my life for me because it was no longer me that was alive but HIM. My old self was killed off, and the new self was brought to life. =] I can now stand up and say I am no longer the person I was. I am no longer bound by my past. I forgive myself for what I have done. I now believe what my Father in heaven says about me. I am a new person.

Age: 25
Location: Atlanta
Date: August 20, 2012

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