I had just turned 17 and was love with my boyfriend of a year when I got pregnant. I was still in high school. My thought process at that age was no more than, “I can't tell my mom, (I must) get rid of the problem.” I was too immature to realize that it was a life inside of me—a precious gift from GOD—NEVER To be duplicated again. I turned to my boyfriend who was 20 and told him that we couldn't tell my mom. He said, “I support your decision whatever it is.” He took me to Planned Parenthood. Planned Parenthood provided no counseling or options and asked no questions. They only comforted me by saying that it was only a “bunch of tissue,” like polyps—no big deal. We ended the life of my baby. I did leave with one thing, a doctor’s note for school saying that I had polyps removed. I now realize fully what the abortion procedure really does—that it is NOT NOW, NOR THEN, NOR EVER only a “bunch of tissue or polyps.” My baby had a face, hands, legs, spine and a body that was ripped apart limb by limb by the adults that I trusted my care to. After years of suppression, I now grieve more and more every day. I grieve because I don't even know the DATE that I killed my baby. I want to say to that 17 year old kid, “STOP AND THINK!” If I knew then what I know now, I would never have made that choice. I can only claim ignorance and find comfort that my child, whether girl or boy, is now with their TRUE PARENT. They were only on loan to me. What I am left with is the brutal reality that I never got a chance to know, love, learn, and grow with my own child. I am the loser. All I can say to my child now is, “I am sorry, forgive me for I knew not what I was doing.” The one thing I can do to honor them is to fight for the rest of my days for other women and their unborn children, and this is what I am doing.
Location: New Jersey
Date: September 28, 2014
I was five weeks when I found out I was pregnant. I knew from the time I found out that I didn't want to go through with the pregnancy. My actual boyfriend was out of town and I had started "seeing" someone while he was away, although the plan was never to have unprotected sex—never say never. It happened. Weeks later, I had breast tenderness and then a missed period. I instantly panicked. I called the guy whose baby I was pregnant with and told him. He was very wishy-washy about the situation. One minute he wanted me to keep it; the next minute he was unsure, and so was I. I stalled for three and a half more weeks before I decided to have the medical abortion done. My boyfriend moving back in town had a huge impact on the decision. The fact that he didn't know made me want to hurry and get it over with. I scheduled my appointment, paid my $100 deposit and waited a few days later for the actual procedure. That Wednesday I went into the clinic, got a vaginal sonogram, blood work and education on the medical abortion. I was scared and wanted to just leave, but saving my relationship at the time was more important. There were protesters outside begging me not to go in, and a big part of me wanted to listen to them. I was there two hours, left, got something to eat and came back. They called my name; I took the first pill. They gave me a bag with two more pills to take in eight hours and a few painkillers. Eight hours later, I did as I was told. I had severe cramping so I took the painkillers and fell asleep. I slept for maybe an hour and 45 minutes and when I awoke, I got out of bed to use the restroom. When I stood up, I felt a big glob fall out of me onto a pad I was wearing. When I got to the bathroom to see, there it was—my almost nine-week-old fetus. No blood yet, just a fetus. That image will haunt me forever. I freaked out. Afterwards, I bled a lot and had cramps, but nothing was worse than the pain I have to live with knowing I killed an innocent child. God makes no mistakes. Think before you act.
Location: Tulsa, OK
Date: September 27, 2014
I found out I was pregnant at four weeks. My boyfriend and I were in complete shock. Although we love each other, we thought that it wasn’t the right time. We haven’t finished school and we both still live with our parents. Part of me wanted to have the baby, and part of me thought it wasn’t the right time. Everything happened so fast, and all I could think about was me. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about the baby, and how selfish of me it was. I miss my baby every day and have dreams about the baby all the time—which makes me really sad to wake up and know it was just a dream. I wish I could go back and realize that God’s timing is always right. If I was pregnant, I should have taken care of my baby.
Date: September 9, 2014
In February 2014, I found out I was pregnant by my boyfriend who was 22-years-old. My parents didn't know I had a boyfriend at that point. When I told them, they were disgusted. I have been learning childcare at college for the last two years, and I didn't agree with terminations. My mum understood that I wanted to keep my baby, but my dad said he would leave us all and move to England. I wasn't that fussed, but I felt so sorry for my mum as it was weeks away from their 25th anniversary. I didn't want to spoil that. I think about my baby everyday and would love to go back in time.
Date: September 6, 2014
I am 18 now. This happened when I was 17. I got pregnant on almost the same day as my birthday—May 7th. My boyfriend was 18, and we had been dating for almost a year. When we found out about the baby, I was 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant. That day was almost surreal. I felt so weird—like it was a dream. We went to a free clinic where they performed an ultrasound and gave me the picture to take home. My boyfriend begged to see it, but I wouldn’t let him. I was so scared and upset. I think I was blaming him, so I threw the ultrasound in the garbage after I showed it to him for just a few seconds. Our baby was just a little bean. After hugging me, he asked me what I wanted to do. I told him we couldn’t have it. He looked at me and told me we would find a way while hugging me again. That same day, we were both at our homes texting. He told me he would do as I wanted and that we were going to stick together no matter the situation. So, I told him I wanted an abortion as fast as we could. A few days latter he bought some abortion pills. We didn’t think about it really; it was all so fast. He used to touch my belly, saying his baby was there and making jokes about it. He looked happy but worried. We had the pills, and when I was in the 7th week, I told him we had to do it now. He told me again that he was going to support me no matter what, so we did it. I took the pills and went through the worst physical pain in my life. In that moment I felt so relieved, but it didn’t last. A week latter, I was crying my heart out. So was my boyfriend. We used to lay in the sofa, cuddled, crying for our baby. He told me in tears that he should have stopped me. We cried for months; the pain was so hard. I still think about it even though it's been more than a year. My boyfriend told me he wanted a girl, and we regret our decision so much. We love each other, but we were so selfish and careless. Everything happened so fast. He still says our baby girl (because he is sure it was a girl) would have been the most beautiful girl. The baby would be 7 months old now. In that moment, we thought nobody would help us, but now we see we were wrong. A few days ago, a doctor told us she would never recommend an abortion because it’s going against life—and she must know what she is talking about. We regret so much what we did. Think about what you are about to do. Don’t be selfish. Don’t be scared because no matter what, there is always some one who loves you and will support you.
Date: September 5, 2014
I had two abortions when I was young. The first child I aborted was fathered by my first husband. He did not want another baby; we already had one child. I wish I had told him to go straight to hell—that I was going to have this child. But, I let him "demand" I have the procedure. He threw the abortion money at me while he was packing his camping gear and said, “When I get back, you better not be pregnant.” A few years later I was going through my divorce and dating a wild party guy. He also did not want my child. He also talked me into terminating.
My regret is not fighting for these two precious lives. I think it is made way too easy to get an abortion. It is legal fetal genocide, and people should see it for what it really is. Abortion is evil, and evil walks this earth.
When people ask me how many children I have I want to say four. But I can only say I have two.
This I know. If I could go back, I would be a Mother Bear fighting for her cubs. Nothing would stop me. I know I will see my children on the other side. It will be joyous. I have to forgive myself each and every day—like taking a medication. The joy is knowing I will see them one day. In God's time…
God bless all of us who regret what we did in dealing with the guilt we feel, and the "what ifs.” We were not in our "right minds.” We did not truly think it through and most of all, in my opinion, we let others take control of our destinies. Because us women want to please—which is a whole other discussion.
Location: Stockbridge, GA
Date: September 1, 2014
For the second night in a row, I lay here crying about how my beautiful baby is going to be killed by a vacuum. My girlfriend is going on 18, and I am 19. We wanted to have kids eventually—just not this soon. But once I found out she was pregnant, I got so happy because I felt that I now had the chance to be the father for my child that my father never was for me. We didn't tell her mom at first in fear of how she would react. Now that we’ve told her, she has talked my girlfriend into getting an abortion against my will. I beg her so much every day to keep it, but they just call me selfish and say she deserves someone better because I don't support her decision. The hurt I feel is indescribable. It's like someone is holding a gun to my child and saying, “I’m killing your kid while you sit and watch, and there is nothing you can do about it.” I feel so betrayed. I even offered to pay for everything and take the baby once it is born, and she can go live her life. But in good old America, selfishness seems to be king. Now I have to live with this thought for the rest if my life—that my beautiful child was murdered, and I couldn't do anything about it but cry myself to sleep. Don't have abortions. There are people who would love to have a child and some people don't realize and just kill a part of themselves like it is nothing.
Location: Manheim, PA
Date: August 25, 2014
About a year ago this month, I found out I was pregnant by a guy who I barely knew and who already had a girlfriend. Me, pregnant?! You don't ever think it can happen to you until it does. My dad was a preacher and this guy had a girlfriend, so what was I going to do? The day I told him I just sent him a picture of the test, and he called me. I was crying hysterically and so scared. The first words out of his mouth were, "We will take care of ’it’” It?! I had been taught how wrong abortions were my whole life. I told him I didn’t think I could have an abortion or live with myself if I did. He went into this long spiel about how my dad would throw me out. He was leaving for the marines, and his girlfriend would find out. Of course she would! I was carrying his child, but to him it wasn't a child—only a little bubble.
After a lot of talking, he finally had me convinced that abortion was the best thing to do because I didn’t really want to raise a child alone. I went for my first appointment a couple of days later, and the chill of that waiting room in Planned Parenthood is something I could never forget. My best friend went with me, and I tried to keep calm for her, but I secretly was screaming inside knowing this was wrong. I sat there and watched tons of women come in and out. My turn came and I went to the back. They did a vaginal sonogram and told me I was about five weeks. They asked if I wanted to see my sonogram pictures. My heart stopped, and I just said no quickly because I knew if I saw it I could never live with myself. They had me schedule my next appointment for the abortion pill a few days later, and I left the clinic. The father texted me and told me to call him when I got out. I thought he cared so much about how I felt, but really he wanted to make sure I hadn't changed my mind. I told him I felt better because they were so nice, but really nothing made me feel better about this. I didn't want to tell my best friend that I secretly would rather just jump off the next bridge there in Birmingham than do this. I read tons of statistics and thought maybe, just maybe, I'd be one of the women who was okay after this terrible act.
We got home, and I just sat in my room or at work for the next couple days thinking that maybe I could run away. Or maybe he'd change his mind, but I knew he wouldn't. The day came for me to go, and he said he couldn't miss work, so I had to go by myself. I had stayed with a friend who lived closer so that I didn't have to act suspiciously with my parents. I woke up, went to the bathroom, and sat there and cried in the mirror until it was time to go. The hour drive there was the most terrible drive of my life, but I called to check in with my friend and also the father—and of course acted like I was fine. I pulled up sat in the parking lot and stared at the building until I suddenly got a phone call. It was my mom. She asked what was going on. I tried to play dumb, but I knew she knew something was up. I finally told her through the tears that I was pregnant and then proceeded to tell her who the father was. She cried and begged me not to go into that clinic, but I told her, "Mom, you know dad will kick me out.” She told me he wouldn't but neither of us really knew what he would do. She called the guy, and he told her that he couldn't be there for me so he paid for it because he thought it was the best choice. My phone would ring back and forth between him and her, and I had to go to the bathroom to talk to them both. As my mom was saying, “Come home,” the father was saying, "I won't be able to be there for you, just do it!” I came back out into the waiting room and sat there thinking of walking out, but his texts convinced me to stay.
My mom kept saying, “Please come home,” and I finally just laid my phone down and sat there with my eyes closed until they called my name. I walked back into the room where they did the sonogram, and they gave me another sonogram to make sure "it" was still there. At first they couldn't find him or her, but after three Planned Parenthood workers, they finally found it. They sent me into this room with about 20 women that I still wonder about today, and we watched videos about how calm and easy this would be. One by one they called our names to take the first abortion pill and speak with our counselor. I asked her about the mental effects, and she told me she had an abortion in 1992 and was completely fine. 1992?! That means that her son or daughter would have been my age. Why I didn't walk out of that office before taking that pill I will haunt me every single day of my life. The doctor came in, handed me my pill and told me I was free to go. I walked out of the building knowing I had just done something I could never take back. I got in my car and called the father to tell him I had taken the first pill and would have to take the second 48-72 hours later. He told me he'd be there for me through that.
When I saw my mom for the first time at home, I couldn't hold it together. I begged and finally convinced her not to tell my dad—which took a 7-month toll on her and their marriage. The next two days rolled by, and I texted the father to let him know I was having to do the second part. He said, "I'm sorry but I can't come, there's just something I can't get out of." I later found out it was a hunting trip. My mom got my heating pad ready, and I put the two pills on each side of my mouth and laid there. After about 45 minutes I was sitting on the toilet with headphones on so I didn't have to hear anything. I felt something drop and stood up. There it was, the he or she in my toilet covered in blood. Although it was only a sac, it still made me burst into tears. My mom tried to comfort me, but nothing would help how I felt. I texted the father to tell him it was done but that I was still hurting bad. He just said, "I'm sorry". For the next week and a half, I barely heard from him even though up until then it was constant texts and snap chats. My mom told me to let him know that he would be taking me to my two week check up. He seemed okay with it. The day before he called and asked me if I wanted a hotel room so we could spend some time together. Of course I said yes, hoping he was starting to care a little more. After my appointment, we checked in at the hotel. He took me out to eat and to the mall and pretended like he really cared. After that night when I went home, he become distant again. I finally decided I could never heal until I let him go.
This past year has been the most hellish I've ever been through. I turned to drinking, smoking and other things. My dad now knows everything and it hurts him so bad because he's my dad. He told me he would have never thrown me out, and he would have loved that grandchild. I promise you it isn't worth it. Not for a guy or what anyone will think of you. I will have to live every year knowing what I did in August of 2013. My child would be about 4-5 months old now. I think about it every day, and sometimes I have nightmares. I've turned to drinking but it doesn't help—except for one night. The father put me through hell and went on with his life as if nothing ever happened. His new girlfriend knows what happened because I told her, but he's convinced her and his family that I'm crazy—which I am now, because I will never get over this awful thing that I have done. Please, if you're scared or if you need someone, you can talk to me or someone else because it just isn't worth the after effects or hurt that you will have to live with.
Date: August 23, 2014
You never get over having an abortion—even after almost 4 decades. I didn't believe in abortion, but I was a casualty of the pressure to do it from my family. They didn't want the added burden, and I was told I would have to leave the house. I caved, and I take full responsibility for what I did. I wish it was illegal; I would have been forced to let them live. I took two lives and ask them and God for forgiveness daily. It also took a toll on my body as both the children I birthed were early and under weight. I also had to have a hysterectomy, and I am sure it was from the damage from the two abortions. Even though they were very early term abortions, I am sure that forced dilation, scraping and suctioning created damage. But nothing is more awful than the pain and damage I did to the two little lives that never got to be.
Date: August 20, 2014
I'm 18. I have lived with my boyfriend for about a year now. It was really scary finding out I was pregnant. He was finishing his first year in college, and I was finishing my senior year of high school. We both almost tried to forget about it—like it would go away. That's not what happens when you're pregnant. After a while of not talking about it, I assumed we were keeping it. I got excited and made lists of things we would need. I made the best of the situation. He still wouldn't talk to me. I was 17 at the time and found a free clinic that did ultrasounds, so we went. I wanted to see our baby. I have no idea why he went now. We found out I was 12 weeks, 6 days on July 1, 2014—the day before my 18th birthday. We saw our baby and heard the heartbeat; I thought things would be OK. More time went by, and it still wasn’t a topic of discussion. So I continue getting excited for the baby. I got the baby app to calculate days left on my phone—tracking each month. I started writing in a journal to give the baby when it got older, anything to get excited for him or her. But then I got sick. It lasted, so I went to the doctor, and then my boyfriend decided he was going to talk about it. He wanted his input on it. He told me we aren't having a baby and that he would want nothing to do with me. The only people who knew I was pregnant were my mom and sister, and two of my cousins. My boyfriend instantly had this change of attitude, and he wasn't fully there like he used to be. We have been together for many years now, so it's hard to watch someone you love change like this over something. He started making calls and—because at that point I was 18 weeks they—told us it would be about $2000 for the abortion, and we would have to pay up front. We couldn't do it. He finally found a place in Rhode Island, so we went. We got the ultrasound confirming it was a viable pregnancy. But not only that, I was 21 weeks and 1 day. That broke my heart. We made an appointment for Wednesday the 13th to get laminaria rods inserted. I was scared and horribly upset that I was doing this for him. I asked the lady if I could have copies of the ultrasound. So now I have pictures of him or her from the first one and close ups of their head and face. We got there on Wednesday, and I had to take three Xanax to calm me down. Then they brought me into a room and had me lie down. They inserted four rods and told me to rest for the day. The following day, I returned for the same procedure and they inserted 11 more rods. There were moments where I almost said, "never mind." I didn't want it done; my boyfriend did. I wanted the baby. I went home and cried in my boyfriend’s arms in pain all night. Yesterday—Friday, August 15—I was brought in at 8am to get the procedure finished. I was brought into a room to lie and wait. They hooked me up to an IV and gave me pills to soften my uterus and start the labor. I watched and waited in pain as girls who had their procedures done, got wheeled into the room and left empty hearted. I waited four hours for my turn. They finally brought me to the operating room, and I asked if I would be able to bury the baby. The woman apologized and said, “no.” I begged for hand and footprints but again the woman turned it down. They slowly put me to sleep, and I woke up back in the room I was originally in. Alone. The woman gave me ibuprofen and ginger ale, told me the care instructions, and then I walked out to my boyfriend sitting in the waiting room. I don't know why I did what I did. The love in me for my boyfriend just told me that he would make it all better, that when I'm financially stable we would start a family. Something wise I should have listened to was, “no matter how old you are when you have a baby, it's gonna be just as scary having it at 37 as 17.” It is the biggest mistake of my life. It's only been a day, and just lying in bed with my boyfriend while he's sleeping, knowing we don't have to stress, still doesn't make it better. I now have been getting harassing texts from my mother and sister. They have posted about it all on Facebook. I've gotten a lot of grief over it, and only about two people have tried to help. If I had a choice, I would do everything differently. Your boyfriend isn't worth it. No matter how much he begs, if he really cares, he would be a man for his baby. Now at 18, I have to live with the biggest mistake of my life, and it's all my fault. I kept all the ultrasounds and my hospital bracelet, but I'm sure nothing compares to what it would be like to actually have my baby. I regret having too much love for him, because now that it's done, I don't know if I have any love left for him.
Location: New Hampshire
Date: August 16, 2014
I was 22-years-old in June 2012 and in a long-distance relationship when I met [another man]. He was significantly older and he was absolutely smitten by me, as I was by him. My long-distance relationship had hit a rough patch, so I decided that "dating" wasn't a bad idea. I never had any intentions of sleeping with him, let alone not using protection if it ever came about. But never say never. We ended up sleeping together on more than one occasion, and in September of 2012 I found out I was pregnant. I knew for sure it was his, as did he, but he did not want anymore children because of his age and the fact that he already had 5 kids and 2 grandchildren. The first words out of his mouth were, "Let's fix it." I never felt so crushed in my life. Keeping it was never an option for him. I felt so alienated from my family because we had just experienced a close death, and I felt as if I would be burdening them with this. I had no one to turn to. The one person I should have been able to turn to was not entertaining the idea at all, so I reluctantly gave in and had an abortion a few days later. At the time, I justified my actions by saying I wasn't ready, and I was young. The father and I weren't in a relationship; I had a dead end job and wasn't done with school, etc. In retrospect, the choice I made to have an abortion is the only regret I have in my life. If I could take it back I would.
Location: Saginaw, MI
Date: July 31, 2014
I am a 54-year-old male. My girlfriend and I had an abortion at age 17. Our child would be 37-years-old. I regret it every day. Strange, I love life so much but was so selfish to kill him. I have no children and now never will have that gift to give again.
Location: New Hampshire
Date: July 28, 2014
I found out I was pregnant at four weeks and was told I had to come come back at seven weeks because the abortion pill wouldn't work otherwise. I lived with the knowledge that I was pregnant and couldn't do anything about it for three weeks. I had just started seeing someone but had hooked up with my ex a month before. After a family trip to Mexico, I noticed breast tenderness and missed my period. I went to a clinic and decided to have a medical abortion. It was the worst pain of my entire life, but it doesn't compare to the pain I feel now when I look at my stomach and know I should have had a baby. I still cry three years later. My daughter would have been born on December 13, 2011. The father said he wouldn't claim the child and pushed me for an abortion. I was scared and did what I thought I needed but now, I wish I had kept it. Then I'd have a 2 1/2 year-old-daughter to love. Please think twice… it will hurt more than just the physical pain that comes with the abortion. RIP Kennedy.
Location: Austin, TX
Date: July 17, 2014
I am 61-years-old, and I have been living with the crime of murder for 35 years. The shame and regret never leaves me. In the year 1979, I thought I had so many good reasons for having an abortion. I was getting a divorce from the father of the two children I already had. I had fallen in love with another man as my marriage fell apart, and I wasn't positive who the father was. My new boyfriend was all too willing to pay for me to have an abortion. My soon-to-be ex-husband had made it plain to me he was going to fight for custody of the two children we already had together. I believed if he found out I was pregnant it would help him take my children away from me. So, I took the easy way out. The choice was made so easy. It was legal, it was paid for me—so my ex husband and other family would not know. Now every day during the month of June I wonder which day my baby would have been born on. What would he/she look like? I wonder about all the things a mother thinks of as she holds her newborn baby and as she watches her baby grow year after year. My child would have been 35 this year—with two older siblings, two younger siblings, and seven nieces and nephews. I wonder what it would be like for our family if he/she were here. I wonder if I would have a grandchild by this child and what this grandchild would be like. Too many question in my mind to list. Our society makes it easy for overwhelmed, scared, and often alone women to believe the better choice for their life is to abort an unwanted baby. I believe this choice is simply too much for us to carry. My faith in God’s forgiveness is the one thing that carries me through. Yet, I haven't fully forgiven myself. In the back of my mind, I'm always grieving and regretting I was ever given the choice to have an abortion. Maybe if it had not been made so easy I would have made the right choice. Maybe if I had made the right choice I could look at my family and feel like it is complete. green guns black justly guns raglans guns thermals
Location: Ephrata, PA
Date: July 17, 2014
June 2 is a day I will never forget. It’s the day I decided to go through with the second part of my abortion pill. I decided to take the abortion pill because I thought it would be more private. My boyfriend was the only one that knew I was getting it done. But since he is a camp counselor during the summer, he wouldn't be able to be there for me. This meant I only had myself to go through the process with. The process was not what I imagined. It wasn't quite as painful, but I was nervous. I cried for days afterwards. I was very sad. My boyfriend didn't really talk about the situation. I felt like I was going through all these emotions, and he stood there with none of this phasing him. He is still at camp. I wake up in the middle of the night and cry. I pray to my little angel every night. I say I am very sorry, but I know I can never change anything. I wish so many things; I wish I could hold it in my arms, know the sex of this beautiful being, hold its hand, watch it take its first step, teach it to read, to ride a bicycle, feed it Gerber food, fight over whether "mom" or "dad" would be its first word—see them go off to school and cry over them growing up. I wish my little angel could be a part of my life, I wish I allowed it to become something so wonderful. It is hard going through this because I know my boyfriend tries to be strong for me, but I feel he isn't expressing any emotion. It is hard keeping this private because I don't want anyone knowing what I did. But it is hard not having someone there. I will always live with a constant "what if?” I have never felt this sad before. I wish nobody else had to go through this pain—the pain that feels like it will never go away.
Date: July 11, 2014
I was excited when I first found out I was pregnant. I was looking forward to having a third child. I had known [the father] since high school. One weekend we went to a pool party, and he accused me of flirting with someone else. We left the party, and we began to argue. He physically assaulted me in the car on a bridge while I was driving. The only way I was able to get him out of the car was to drive to the local police station. He then came to my house later that evening and cut the top on my car. After that, I decided I wanted nothing else to do with him or the pregnancy. So I immediately began to look up abortion clinics. I knew it was wrong but rationalized that I didn't want to be connected to someone who was clearly crazy and abusive. The people at the doctors office were pleasant, and the process wasn't bad. I just sat there praying to God for forgiveness. I told myself I would be OK with MY choice to not have this baby—even if that meant not having other children. Now, one week later, I regret the decision. God doesn't make mistakes, and when babies aren't meant to come here the mothers have natural miscarriages—not pill induced ones. I write this to say that some of our greatest blessings can come from what would be considered bad circumstances. I wish I wouldn't have been in such a hurry to get rid of my problem.
Location: Washington, DC
Date: July 3, 2014
My biggest fear at 36 is not being able to have a child. I told myself I’d keep the next one. Well, I got my wish, and I freaked out. My boyfriend of only two months already had three kids from two different baby mamas. He was a great guy and good looking. We would have a cute, multi-ethic child. I told him, and he wanted me to get an abortion. He didn’t want three baby mamas and had just gotten laid off. I got mad thinking about me. He had three kids; I had none. Someone was bound to be his 3rd baby mama. We both were not financially ready, and I didn’t want to rely on my parents. I felt he would leave me, but he made me think he would still be here for me. He kept telling me he'd help pay for the abortion and take me there. Lots of friends told me to keep it. But I knew I would be the one taking care of the baby. I was so stressed for 2 weeks. On the day of the abortion, he said he couldn’t get a babysitter. He told me to call him right after, and he'd come visit me. I felt OK with the abortion that day. Once I got the pill at the clinic, I was hesitant—but not hesitant enough. Later I called and texted my boyfriend with no answer. My boyfriend had lied, manipulated, and sweet-talked to me until he knew I got the abortion. I was furious, sad, regretful, and mad. How could I let this once sweet, respectful gentleman swindle and manipulate me? I couldn’t believe he would leave me on the day of the abortion. He was sighing in relief, and I was regretting this big time. I just killed my cute, lil baby. He never helped pay, which hurt as well. He just left me without a care. I was devastated. I wish I could reverse the pill. But it was done. Who knows when I’ll meet another guy I would want to have a child with? I will live forever with this regret, and he has already moved on. Ladies, do not count on a guy being with you after an abortion. It scares them into reality, and they go running fast. This is your decision that you will have to deal with. Abortion is a simple way out for some guys, but we are the ones who hurt from this. There is more joy and rewards from keeping a baby.
Location: Newport Beach, CA
Date: June 26, 2014
I went to the clinic to get more birth control. I had run out and was off for maybe a month. They asked if I wanted to be tested (for pregnancy) and at first I said "no"—being sure I wasn't pregnant. I changed my mind after finding out it would only take a couple minutes. When the nurse came back in and told me I was pregnant, my life instantly felt unreal. I was frozen in shock. For some stupid reason, I had believed it wouldn't happen to me. My boyfriend declared on many occasions before this that he would get an abortion, and yet even that I didn't truly believe. I couldn't say the words to him, so I just showed him the papers. He instantly demanded an abortion. I don't blame him for not wanting the child. I was scared out of my mind—not only because I wasn't ready financially and mentally—but because I was scared of being alone. I decided I wouldn't bring a child into this world if one of us didn't want the baby. I thought, "How can I make a decision for the both of us?" I didn't want to ruin his life. I knew I'd regret getting the abortion, but I don't think I ever knew what regret was before. Every day I regret it. I find myself constantly saying sorry. I took my child's life away. I didn't even give my child a chance to live. It doesn't matter if I was scared or even if the child wasn't wanted. It wasn't my choice to let the child live or die. I made the mistake of having unprotected sex, but to kill my unborn child because of that mistake haunts me every day. I can't take it back. I keep imaging how much I would have loved that child. Every time I see a pregnant lady or a child at all, it breaks my heart. If you are thinking about getting an abortion, stop thinking about your own life because it's not about you anymore. Think about the child, because its the child's life you are dealing with.
Date: June 24, 2014
I am a divorced mother of three. I have been struggling financially for a while. I felt torn and unsure of what to do (when I found out I was pregnant). At first, I was going to keep the baby, but I allowed other people to influence me and involved too many people. I kept hearing, "What about your other children? How are you going to raise another baby?" In the end, I had the abortion. My abortion made me think of every horrible thing I've done in my life. I claim to love kids, but I killed my child. I keep thinking about the pain he must have suffered. I am in a living hell. Taking the easy way out is no solution. I am left alone in my thoughts and severely depressed. Things in this world can be solved if you are still alive—adoption or financial assistance if you need it—but death is final. I know that God is angry with me, and I don't know if I am forgiven. I pray that other women seriously consider their life and what they could face after an abortion. All that talk about women's freedom to choose is just brainwashing. It is an empty, hateful road afterwards. I just read an article about faith. Life is the most precious gift we have. We are here thanks to our mothers. Don't all children deserve life? I am not the same. I am urging all women to use their experience to help spread the truth about abortion.
Location: Yonkers, NY
Date: June 10, 2014
I don't even know where to begin. Abortion was definitely the hardest thing I've had to do in my short 16 years of life. My boyfriend and I were both shocked when I found out I was pregnant. I immediately thought, “I’m way to young to go through with this.” I was scared; he was scared. I didn't want to tell anyone. Besides us, only my doctor knew. It was April 2014 when I told my doctor I hadn't had my period since late November. I didn't think anything of it because my period has never been normal. He took my urine to test, and the next day I got an email saying it was positive. My heart sank into my stomach. I never thought this would happen to me; I didn't think it was real life. The day after I found out I told my mom, totally expecting her to kick me out of the house. I couldn't even say the words, "I'm pregnant.” I just kept saying, "I'm sorry.” I got a response I wasn't expecting. She didn't yell, and she didn't put me down about it—like it was the worst thing I've ever done, even though I know it was. She asked if she could call her friend because she knows about this stuff, and I let her. She came back into my room and told me we were going to a clinic in Cranston. So we went. I got an ultrasound and found out I was 23 weeks and 4 days—which means I was 7 months pregnant and would be due in early August. I didn't get to look at the baby. I didn't get to hear the heartbeat. I didn't even get to know the sex. We were told, my mom and I, that they couldn't preform the abortion in Rhode Island because I was too far along. We had to travel to New York. That friday, we took the train to New York and, I got the first part of the procedure done. We went back to the hotel room, and the next day I got the abortion done. To this day, I have so many regrets and so much confusion about the whole process. Only my boyfriend, my doctor, my mom and myself know about what happened. Everything reminds me of what happened. Some days I’ll be fine and others I’ll be a wreck. I feel like no one knows how I feel, and no one can relate to me. The only positive outcome of my pregnancy was how close it made me and my mom. I love her and respect her so much more for being there for me. She has no clue how much her understanding has helped me.
[Editor’s note: This is a strange and conflicting conclusion. After declaring that abortion has filled her with regret and isolation, this distraught young woman goes on to express gratitude for the “support” of the one who instigated the abortion. Clearly, the human heart has an overwhelming need for companionship—in whatever form it comes.]
Location: Newport, RI
Date: June 5, 2014
I used to hear about abortion all the time, and I said I would never do such a thing. Then I was faced with an unplanned pregnancy at 25—with a minimum-wage job and girlfriend still in her junior year of college. I had to think it over a thousand times before making a decision. I did not know what to do, especially being in the situation I was in. I was worried about the shame we’d receive from my parents and my girlfriend’s parents—shame for not being responsible and shame for not having the right support system to take care of the baby.
We made the decision, and in a matter of hours we aborted the baby at a nearby clinic. We came back home to my girlfriend’s mother’s place. My girlfriend pretended that she was sick. I felt so ashamed walking around her mother’s house. We were lying underneath her nose. She doesn't know to this day. This abortion is going to be my biggest regret until the day I die. I will never, ever forgive myself for making a decision to take my unborn child's life away.
Whether you are right or left-wing, we all know in the back of our minds and in our hearts that taking life away is crude—whether the government says you can do it or not. I can't believe I fell for the lies regarding abortion. I pray to my baby every single day, hoping he or she forgives me and hoping that he or she is in a better place. I feel sorry for those who face this decision, because it shouldn't exist. It’s better for the baby to be adopted by a young couple who can't have a baby—giving life to other lives. With today's medical technology, babies can be saved if they are suffering health problems.
CONSIDER THIS, YOU HAVE CREATED LIFE. IT'S NOT YOUR BABY’S FAULT. LIFE CAN BE SO BEAUTIFUL. DON'T THROW IT AWAY BECAUSE OF MONEY OR PRIDE. THERE ARE OPTIONS TO SAVE THE BABY. DON'T WORRY ABOUT SHAME AND GUILT FROM OTHERS. AT THE END OF THE DAY, IT'S YOU AND THE BABY. YOU ARE CARRYING A BEAUTIFUL SPIRIT INSIDE YOU.
Date: June 2, 2014
I regret my abortion every single day. My decision at the time seemed so simple. I already had three children and had recently separated from my husband. I met another guy who I thought was the one. Maybe it was a rebound. I am not sure. Anyways, I found out I was pregnant—which I never expected since I was on the pill and took it regularly. After the test came back positive, I panicked. I cried for days and my boyfriend said he would be there and support whatever choice I made. Honestly, abortion never crossed my mind at first. About a week later, I caught my boyfriend in bed with his brother's girlfriend. I was hurt but mostly stupid. The next day, I made my appointment for a surgical abortion. I went to my appointment and had the procedure done. I was carrying twins. I cried for days. I could hardly look at my other children. I started to have hatred for everyone, including myself. I turned to alcohol to numb the pain, and all it ever did was make things worse. Now I am an alcoholic and can never take back the worst decision I ever made in my life. I sit most days wondering what they would have looked like—whether they would look like their brothers or sisters. Abortion is something you will never forget, and you’ll never forgive yourself—no matter what your reason is.
Date: May 27, 2014
On March 23, 2014, I went to the doctor for my monthly check up as I do each month. I have been on weight loss medication for about a year and had lost 119 pounds to date. In order to get my medication, I have to do a pregnancy test. I never worried because I hadn't missed my period and my son was almost 14. My husband and I had tried for years to get pregnant but never had, so when she came in and said, “Your test is positive,” I lost it. I was so lost and confused—in disbelief. I called my husband as I got to my truck and was crying so hard. He said nothing. I got home and he said, “Who's the dad?” Really?! He was just in shock—about to turn 40 and already having our son and four more kids between 14-21. “We just can’t… I’m too old… but I will support you decision.” I was so lost. We went to a clinic for an initial visit, knowing I couldn't do it. We went back the next day to do it. I cried and cried and said, “I can’t.” He said, “Its OK, it will be OK.” I did it. I will never be the same. Two months later, I’m lost. I’m sad, mad, hurt, empty. I say I’m sorry a million times a day, and I want my baby back. It gets harder every day. March 27, 2014 is a day that I will never forget. It haunts me. I have nightmares of what I did and can't vacuum my house. December 5, 2014 is the day my baby should have come into the world to have the life it deserved. I thought I would be OK. I'm not. I will never forgive myself. I'm sorry and wish I could go back—not for me but for my baby that I should have protected.
Date: May 19, 2014
Abortion was the scariest thing that I ever did. It still hurts to see the last picture of how my baby looked before she was taken away from me. I can't sleep at night, and every night I feel her presence around me. I never thought I would cry so much in my life. I never knew I was pregnant until I took two pregnancy tests. I broke down and cried when I saw the tests come back positive. I told my mom immediately that I wanted an abortion. When I told my dad, he shunned me and told to get an abortion. As I sat down and thought about it, I wanted to give my baby life. I was crying so much. I was so concerned about my blood pressure problems and my boyfriend’s habits of drinking and smoking. We weren’t stable in our lives and didn’t have jobs yet or even a stable home for our baby. When I told my boyfriend, he was shocked and told me he would support my decision. I went back and forth about keeping it or giving it back to God. When I went to the clinic, I was scared. I knew this is what I didn’t want. When it was over, it hit me so hard when I came back home. It hurt me so much that my baby was no longer here and that she was gone forever. I cried so much and asked God to forgive me and to tell my baby that I didn’t mean what I did and that I love her still. My friend warned me that I would go through this. Since my abortion happened, I don’t feel good about myself. I never thought I would get this depressed and sad. I still cry and think, "what if?" It hurts me every day that my baby isn’t here. If i could turn back, I would keep my baby. But now I’ll have to deal with this for the rest of my life. All I have to do now is strive for my second child and bring it where both parents are ready and steady in our lives. I’m striving to find peace and happiness for myself and for my baby. To all who read this, think first before you have an abortion, and think about the consequences that come along with it. Abortion is not a good option to choose. Think about your baby.
Location: Yonkers, NY
Date: April 29, 2014
26 London, Ontario, Canada My life has been deeply affected by the trauma of abortion. I honestly never wanted to have an abortion. I wanted my baby badly. But I was so scared that no one would help me. Taking care of a baby on my own would have been a big change. Everyone told me abortion was the best option. Feeling alone was the worst feeling ever. Now I am left with this hurt for the rest of my life. I feel regret and sadness. I wish I could go back and take my baby back. When I see other babies or children, it reminds me of what I could have had. Finding out someone is pregnant hits me the most. I feel my baby would have been a girl. I gave her the name Kacey Hope.
In early May 2010, I noticed I was gaining weight. I never wanted to believe I could be pregnant. On May 12, 2010, my life changed. I went to the Birth Control Clinic at the London-Middlesex Health Unit. I went for S.T.I Testing. During the testing, they did a pregnancy test. I was waiting in a room. The doctor walked in and paused before saying, "You are pregnant.” I was starting to cry and said, "Are you sure that can’t be wrong?” He said "No, you are at least 4 weeks pregnant.” I started crying a lot and said, "I want an abortion right now". They said I couldn't unless I went to Toronto. So they gave me a phone number to call. That night I couldn't even sleep. I was so devastated that I had a little baby growing inside of me.
On May 13, 2010, I called the Woman’s Health Clinic at Victoria Hospital to book an abortion. They said I had to wait until I was 8 weeks. They booked my ultrasound for June 4, 2010. During my wait, the morning sickness started. It was horrible. I was getting sick every day. I would go on the internet and look up week by week how big the baby got. I was very fascinated by it. There were times I really wanted to keep the baby. Fear took over though. The fear of giving birth, raising a baby, and adoption all scared me. I was so consumed in worry, and there was no one to help me raise this child. So I went forward with the easy way out—even though I really didn't want too.
On June 4, 2010, my friend picked me up from my place to take me to the ultrasound. I went in alone, I was in this alone. This lady put jelly on my belly and told me to just lay down. This was my first and only ultrasound. I asked, "Do you see it?" She said "Yes, do you want to see?" I agreed with some excitement. She turned the screen towards me, and I could make out everything. I saw the shape of the baby’s face and head. She pointed to a little circle moving and said, "Do you see that?" I said, "Yes.” She said, "That is the beating heart". I asked her how far along I was. She told me I was 8 weeks and 4 days. When I got home, I did a lot of thinking on way's I could possibly keep this baby. I came up with many, but fear would always make me think abortion was the best thing. I even prayed to God and asked him to help me think of something before it was too late. I continued to look up on the computer how big the baby was. The morning sickness continued daily until the pregnancy was terminated. Every night, I would touch my belly, to see if I could feel anything moving. I started to feel love for this child.
June 18, 2010 would be the last day this baby had life in me. It was the worst feeling in my whole life. I wanted something or someone to stop me. I felt so alone. My friend and I went to Victoria Hospital at 7 am. The appointment was at 7:30 am. When I got there, I was led into a room with a lot of people. They gave me a gown and slippers to put on. I was in bed for a half hour until they told me to take two white pills. Once you take these pills, you can't change your mind. Then they put an IV in my left hand. As I sat there with my friend, I noticed a lot of women—mostly young—walking in. They where all crying. I could tell why; they were in there for the same reason I was. I asked my friend, "How come I am not crying?" He told me it was because I was thinking more about myself instead of this little one inside of me. I didn't believe that though. I did care about this baby.
At 8:30 am, it was time for me to go to the operating room to have the abortion. They put some sleeping medicine in my IV, and I made the doctors laugh when I said I feel funny. They held a breathing mask to my face and within 10 seconds I fell asleep. I woke up in the recovery room. I was only asleep for a half hour. I was no longer pregnant. My little one is no longer growing inside of me.
Location: London, Ontario, Canada
Date: April 26, 2014
[Abortion] is one decision that you will live to regret for a lifetime—life is life, and I took one innocent life away. I was 27, under a lot of stress, and already struggling with a 2-year-old. I didn’t want to tie myself down further with another kid that to be raised with an abusive husband who I hated enough to kill his child. I was wrong regardless of the circumstances. This life deserved a chance. Planned Parenthood offered no counseling—except for the protesters yelling outside the facility. That's all I had to go by—no “think twice” or one-on-one counseling. It’s like a nightmare you never get up from. It is daily mental torture because eventually you realize it was wrong—but too late to take it back. My advice to any female considering abortion is to please think about that life inside of you because it has a voice that only you can hear. I beg you, please don't do this. There are always better options that you will not live to regret . You’re not alone; there is help—more so now than when I made this tragic mistake. Listen to that little voice, please, it ls louder than you think, and it gets louder and louder afterwards. I’m now 33 and remain tortured by the voice of my unborn child. I hope and pray that my story, like others, will help end this terrible mistake we as humans make—only to find that it destroys us in the end.
Location: Palm Beach, FL
Date: April 25, 2014
If I could have just one "Do Over" in life, it would be my abortion. Though my regrets and sins are legion, this is the one sin that has caused me the most grief, for it was a sin which took away the life of an innocent. It was preconceived murder on my part, regardless of how I justified it in my own mind—and how our society pushed it on me as the "solution" to my problem. The guilt and depression immediately afterwards sent me into a downward spiral of promiscuity, drugs, suicide attempts, self-loathing and finally, a deep despair which permeated every aspect of my existence. Nothing made sense to me; the world really seemed to be a very hostile place, and nothing seemed worth living or dying for—at least not for many years.
Nearly ten years after my abortion and a few years into a rocky marriage (as a result of my very unstable emotional state), I gave birth to a daughter. Everything looked whole and happy in my life from the outside, but inside I was still struggling with so many doubts and questions. I thought I was an atheist and that belief in God was only for weak people who needed a crutch. But here was this tiny baby who was utterly dependent upon me—and who was I but a total emotional wreck, unable to even make a rational decision for my own life? I went through all the motions, but I was very depressed, and having nightmares and seriously considering suicide. I realized that all my "causes”—all the popular things that I had believed, were not real or worth giving my life to. What I needed were the real answers: "What are we here for? What is life about? What am I to teach this child for whom I am responsible? What is true?" In desperation, I started to pray and read the Bible, since I had looked everywhere BUT there for answers. After a few months of reading, a deep sorrow and repentance for my abortion came over me as well as sorrow for all my sin and rebellion against a Lord so loving that He would take my sins upon Himself and die for me—to make me clean and pure again. By then, I had confessed my sins to Him, including this sin that had so calloused my heart that I had turned away from all that I knew was good and believed every lie of the devil for so many years. I knew His forgiveness then, and that in His eyes I was clean and white as snow. Such a thankfulness and joy washed over me, and a release from all the guilt and shame—and a desire to live to please this One who had rescued me from my sins!
My life has gone in a totally different direction since that time so many years ago. I did not know Him very well as a new Christian but have come to know Him as my dearest Friend as I've continued to read His word every day—to be a part of His Church. He has led me step by step to a place of certainty and joy in my faith. I have had a beautiful life, full of His grace and goodness, even wisdom, and delight in worshiping a God so worthy of all our best. He has blessed me with children and grandchildren, with a wonderful marriage, with so many opportunities to tell of His love for me, while I was still a sinner, and for His great preservation and perseverance with me.
Abortion is a lie from the pit of hell, and I believed the lie. But greater is He who is in me, a single, solitary, weak and miserable sinner, than he who is in the world. Forgiveness is real. Jesus Christ is real, and He is ever willing to save to the uttermost! Praise be to Jesus Christ!
Date: April 17, 2014
I would like to share my story in hopes of sparing young women from choosing abortion as an option. It was the worst decision ever made for me. I found out I was pregnant shortly after I turned 17. The poor choices I made resulted in an unplanned pregnancy. I was very scared and unsure what to do and who to confide in. I came from an adoptive family, and I struggled early on with feelings of rejection. I felt little self worth. We were not encouraged to have a voice or speak up for ourselves. I did get the courage to finally confide in my mom—hoping she would support me with this pregnancy. Instead, both parents told me I had to have an abortion. They said it was the best thing for me, and gave me no other option. I know they were embarrassed and ashamed. The father of the baby didn't want the responsibility either. Before I knew it, my mom made an appointment with a doctor to confirm I was pregnant. I felt so scared and alone. I wanted my baby, but I felt I was given no option besides abortion. Even though I wasn't informed about the facts of abortion, I knew it was wrong in my heart. I felt like a lamb lead to slaughter. Everything that happened at the clinic was a blur. After my abortion, I silently grieved for the loss of my baby. I tucked all my pain inside my heart. I became depressed. I didn't love myself and hated myself for allowing this to happen. I did drugs to cover my pain. I still was looking for love in all the wrong ways. My feelings of self worth were at rock bottom. Later, I did met the man who eventually became my husband. I was able to begin to share my pain with someone who truly cared for me. I still carried much emotional pain due to my abortion—for far more years than I care to admit. It changed me completely. I struggled with forgiving my parents for the choice they made for me. I was not a Christian yet. I wondered if God would ever allow me to become pregnant again and if I would be able to carry to term. God graciously blessed my husband and I with two beautiful children. I loved them with all my heart, but I still found it hard to bond with them 100% because shame kept making me feel like I didn't deserve them. I didn't realize all the things I was experiencing and struggling with. I had trouble bonding with my children and having sexual intimacy within my marriage—due to the effects of having had an abortion. It is called post abortion stress syndrome or PASS. Even though I had struggles in my marriage, I was married to a very good man. He stuck by my side and helped me through my pain. I continued to suffer in silence from my abortion. I struggled to see my Heavenly Father in the right light because of my earthy influences. God has been gracious to me and so very patient as he tenderly removed the layers of pain I endured due to my abortion. God is beyond good to me. He has forgiven me of so much. He has shown me so much mercy. If my child had been allowed to be born, he or she would be 36 this year. I feel like I missed out on the wonderful joy this child could have been to me in my life. I wonder if my parents realize they missed out on the love of a grandchild. I do feel like my child was a boy, and I named him Noah—which means "rest/comfort." Eventually, I did go through a post abortive Bible study that brought me further healing. Every time I get to share, it brings more healing. If my story can prevent just one woman from having an abortion and save a baby it will be worth it. I am now not only a mother of two but a grandmother of four. God has turned my mourning into joy and given me beauty for ashes. There is healing and forgiveness found through Jesus Christ. Please, if any young woman is reading this and not sure which way to turn, please go to someone who you can really trust, and get the support you need to choose life for your baby—even if it means putting your baby up for adoption. Give your child a chance to be born. What may seem like a hardship for you now will turn into the greatest blessing if you allow God to help you. DO NOT let anyone talk you into abortion, even if it is your parents. I so wish I had been strong enough to stick up for myself back then and allowed my baby to have a chance at life. Don't suffer in silence anymore, but come to the foot of the cross where there is forgiveness even for the sin of abortion. Abortion hurts women spiritually, emotionally and even physically is some cases, and ends the life of your baby. PLEASE, DON'T DO IT. Please choose life for your precious baby.
Date: April 4, 2014
I sadly made the decision to 'give up' my child at 8 weeks—which was the biggest mistake of my life. I used the tablet method, which didn't seem that bad until an hour after the second tablet. I cannot describe the physical trauma my body and mind went through... The father of my child did not want children nor did he have any interest in being around if I decided to keep the baby. He was just a friend with benefits at the time... it has been four months since the abortion, but I find coming to this site helps. I know that my decision was wrong and against my faith. All I seek is support— not to be told that god shall never forgive me. I already know this.
Date: March 14, 2014
I'm 18; my boyfriend is 16. I got pregnant two months ago and found out at 5 weeks and 3 days—on February 4, 2014. I was so excited but scared. A few friends knew; so did my boyfriend, along with his parents and mine. We were so happy. Eventually, it all came to an end. His parents threatened to press charges against me, and I wasn't in the best living arrangement. I felt forced and bullied. I had the abortion yesterday, and he never showed up. Instead, he blamed everyone else. We aren't the same anymore, and I miss the baby and regret the abortion. Today, I'm planning on breaking up with him. The abortion was the most traumatizing experience of my life, and if I could redo yesterday I would. I would still be pregnant and happy. I lost a part of me, and my spirit is completely broken.
Date: February 28, 2014
I am 23-years-old. Three years ago, I had an abortion. The first time I slept with this guy, I became pregnant. But I made a mistake because this guy already had a child of his own. He had a Family, and he never made me anything more than just a "friend.” I told myself I was more than that, but I was in denial. I've never been so hurt and confused in my life. I had no one to talk to. Not even him. When I first discovered I was pregnant, I had thoughts of revenge. I was so spiteful for his lying to me. I wanted to have that baby to get him back. I realized I was overreacting, so I thought the situation over. I had the abortion in August 2011. Since then, I've hated myself for it, especially because I never told him. We talked on and off, and I started to fall in love again. The more I cared, the scarier it was to confess. I was scared he would think I was lying. I also felt it was pointless—until he had another child. That kinda slapped me in the face. But after I saw how happy he was, I then started to think I did the right thing. When he showed me pictures of his new baby, I would act so happy—but at the same time, I felt guilty as hell. I recently admitted to him what I had done. I thought it would bring peace. He had no words. Maybe I make him sick. I'm not sure how he took it. I just hope he understands. I couldn't mess up his or my life just because I loved him. Having kids out of wedlock causes nothing but drama. I knew if I kept that baby, I would have to see his face every day for the rest of my life—knowing I could never have him, which is pathetic. At the end of the day, I blame myself for trusting a man who didn't belong to me in the first place.
Location: New York
Date: February 24, 2014
I am 26-years-old and a mother of two sons. Last november, we found out that we were pregnant. The pregnancy was unexpected. I cried so hard because I thought having another child would be too hard for both of us. My eldest son is sick and and was hospitalized twice in a month. We are in great debt and thinking of it made me come to a decision—an absolute nightmare. It was 31st of January when I ended my pregnancy. I took two tablets of Cytotec at around 12 midnight. I then inserted another two vaginally around 4:30am. I woke up thinking my son had peed on our bed, not realizing it was "my water.” My heart beat so fast. I went to the bathroom and sat on a bowl. After a minute, I decided to get back in bed, but before I did, a ripping sensation was felt in my back, and then I felt a pass going out inside me. I realized something came out, and I saw a baby. I never expected something like this. They say it’s a tissue, but no, it's a baby—with hands and feet. I just cried so loud and thought, “Oh, my God, it's my baby.” My husband almost couldn’t stand from where he was—crying a lot and shouting. He doesn't want to abort our baby. It was my decision, and it made me feel like I’m the worst mom—killing her own child. I cry every day like hell. My husband had to leave his work for a couple of months. Part of me wishes I could turn back time and keep the baby. I never thought I would see her/him that big. I wish I fought for my baby as my husband did, but I tell myself that my family would be in such mess if I had continued my pregnancy. I am ready to face the consequences that forever in my heart and mind, my baby is a sacrificial lamb.
Date: February 23, 2014
I am 17. One month ago, I had an abortion. My story is not tragic. No one made me get the abortion. It’s only my mother and me in the house. My father has never been in the picture. I broke the news to my mom, and she gave me every option and said whatever I chose, she would support me. I told my best friend—the father of the accidental child we created—and he was supportive of any decision I made. I immediately knew that I wanted to abort. I am at the turning point of life where I will graduate from high school in the spring and go off to whatever prospective college I choose, and my mother and I are not financially able to support a baby. I have no idea how I will pay for college, let alone for a baby's education. My mother struggles to pay the rent every month. Although she swore she would support me and my baby while I went to college, I knew the idea was a fantasy. The baby’s father has been living on his own for years. His family abandoned him, and he struggles to support himself while going to the local community college. I knew that I did not want a baby and that I could not support one. Nor did I want the father and I to be strung together for life—raising a child. I know every reason why I chose abortion, but a month later, I feel suicidal. I am drowning in guilt and don't feel as if i deserve happiness for what I have done. I feel selfish in not giving my baby life and selfish for not choosing adoption. I am struggling through the motions of life and feel as if all motivation is gone. I have started having self destructive behavior by experimenting with drugs and being quite promiscuous. I have a bright future ahead of me but am questioning if any of it is worth it. I have now began to analyze life's importance and see the cynical side to everything. I wanted to grow up to be a philanthropist and an environmental advocate, and now everything I once believed in seems to be a moot point because realistically, we all live in a world that is run by a green piece of paper that we gave ultimate value. We put that dollar before any logic or reason. Our economy is booming from fracking and pipelines that will destroy our mother earth. But we don’t care so long as they create jobs. I am forced to start my life drowning in college debt because that’s the only way to get a good job in society. I live in a world where a naturally-occurring plant will give an average "criminal" thirty years in jail. In this same world, we can suck out our babies that have no way of defending themselves and can buy a pack of carcinogen cancer sticks known as cigarettes, and can go virtually anywhere to drown myself in alcohol that produces more bad decisions and organ failure than marijuana ever has. Everything I once saw as black and white is now ambiguous. Whats’ so wrong with dying young—considering everyone will die regardless—and the alternative to a youthful death is a full life of struggle and pain with nothing to show for all my hard work—just as my mother has done? I'm lost and totally alone—barely hanging on.
Date: February 11, 2014
It was the second quarter of my freshman year of university, and I was flourishing. I had amazing friends, earned top grades, and was the happiest I'd ever been. Long story short, I went to meet a friend in the middle of the big city nearby and got lost. I pulled over in a dark parking lot, thinking if I parked behind buildings, I'd be out of sight. Before I knew it, a middle aged man with a knife opened my driver's side door that I'd foolishly left unlocked as I was fiddling with my GPS. I was, indeed, out of sight from any passerby. I was raped. I was so ashamed and blamed myself so completely, that it took me three days to muster up the courage to call a rape hotline. The woman on the other end of the line told me, gently, that going to the police would probably be futile, given that I'd washed myself so thoroughly. I probably couldn't figure out how to direct them to the crime scene, and so much time had passed.
Fast forward to two months later. I was failing my courses, put on academic probation, and went to the South for winter break. My mother and I went to my gynecologist’s office in my hometown because I thought my lack of periods and gastrointestinal issues meant I had another cyst. I discovered I was pregnant and being unable to stop crying, told my mother.
My parents insisted I get an abortion once I returned to school—or they'd disown me. They told me adoption wasn't an option because it wasn't worth the "humiliation" and "heartbreak" they would have to endure. I remember my mother telling me that a rapist's spawn didn't deserve to live. I remember thinking that baby was half of me and was completely blameless, but I said nothing.
Upon returning to school, I had the procedure. At the first appointment, they showed me the ultrasound, and I heard the heartbeat. One of my friends was outraged that they had done that, but I didn't realize how much it would impact me at the time.
After the procedure, I was kicked out of school and told I could re-apply the following quarter, but I never did. I cried constantly, struggled with suicidal thoughts, and fell deep into heroin addiction. I'd never so much as smoked pot prior to my abortion.
I'm finally clean now, but my abortion still haunts me. A year and a half ago, I experienced a miscarriage, which my OB said was partly due to the heavy scarring from my hack-job abortion. I think about both of those babies constantly. I wonder who they'd be, how different life as a mother would be, etc. I pray every night that I will someday be able to conceive and carry to term, despite my scarring and fertility issues. I wear a silver pendant around my neck with a quote from E.E. Cummings that I haven't taken off since I bought it. It reads: "I carry your heart with me. I carry it in my heart. I am never without it.”
To those considering abortion, even if you are a survivor of sexual assault, PLEASE think long and hard about your decision, and do not allow anyone else to make that choice for you. It is your own, and you will have to live with it for as long as you live.
Date: February 8, 2014
Thirty-six years ago, I was 16. My first love and I "PLANNED" on getting me pregnant. I lived in a HORRIBLE home environment—as do many others. So we thought, "Get pregnant, get married, get out!” It did not work out that way! We did become pregnant. My boyfriend left me alone to tell my mother, who looked at me like a scorned lover because she had been molesting me for years! That look still haunts me. My pregnancy was confirmed by her OB/GYN. What I didn't know at the time is she and her doctor were putting plans in place to murder my first child, ELY. The next thing I know, I’m in the hospital, my boyfriend was holding me —and in essence holding our son for the last time. Guess who walked in? My "MOTHER.” Once again, MY BOYFRIEND LEFT! All I remember after that is waking up in the recovery room, touching my tummy and starting to cry because I KNEW Ely was gone. When my mother walked in, she looked down at me and said, "NOW, you're the slut of the family"!!! In closing, through God's Grace and LOVE, I was sustained through all this and more. I serve God mightily today in Ely's Name!! You're forgiven; our children are safely with our Lord, and they're waiting to get their first hugs from us!!
Location: Springfields, IL
Date: February 2, 2014
I'm 21 and have had one miscarriage and one abortion. When I was 17, I was a senior in school and was having unprotected sex. When I found out I was pregnant, I had a hard time dealing with it because I was so young and living with my cousin and her child. Although I was scared and saddened by the news, I told the father of my child, and we both decided to keep the baby. His family was very supportive. A couple of days after finding out we were having a boy, I started to feel bad cramps and pain. I started to bleed and went to the ER where I later had to deliver my son whose heart had stopped beating. My son’s father and I were so devastated and heartbroken after this. He really wanted to have another child and asked me if I wanted to try again, but I couldn't even look at him without seeing my son so I disappeared from his life for a while. I went through depression and went through a lot of struggles after my miscarriage. I was later told by doctors that I would struggle to have children because I was constantly getting cysts on my ovaries. So the thought of getting pregnant didn't even cross my mind. I then moved to another city. I started college and worked part time and met my then boyfriend. We started to have unprotected sex and within two months of us being together, I got pregnant—which I thought wasn't even possible. I took two pregnancy tests and went to the doctor where I cried when he confirmed I was pregnant. I was so scared to talk to my boyfriend and tell him I was pregnant—terrified of his reaction. When I did tell him, it was exactly what I expected. He wasn't angry but told me to get an abortion. That was his final decision. He said he wasn't ready for a child, and he told me he knew too many people who had struggled, and he wanted me to finish school and didn't want to have a child if it was a mistake. I agreed that I needed to finish school and needed to get my career going before having a child. In the back of my head, though, I wanted to keep the baby. My boyfriend drilled it into my head every day that he wanted an abortion. I felt like I had no other way. When I went to my appointment, I went alone. I was so scared, and so confused and lost, that I cried the entire time. The nurses at the clinic were nice enough to come and comfort me and told me it was my choice what to do. When I saw my baby’s heartbeat and heard it, my heart dropped and I bawled my eyes out. I was so upset. I felt like just running, but I was frozen. I just couldn't move and the procedure happened. That was it; the deed was done. I hated myself afterwards for what I had done. I knew it was the wrong choice. I thought to myself, “How could you hurt what God gave you?” And I cried every day for a month. I know God forgives us for our sins, and I know he had forgiven me for the horrible thing I had done. But If God could forgive me, why couldn't I forgive myself? I feel like a horrible person and will live with this decision for the rest of my life. I just hope one day I can learn to forgive myself like God has forgiven me.
I truly encourage girls to take a different route when it comes to having an abortion. It may seem like a decision easy to make, but it comes with a lot of emotional consequences in the long run.
Date: January 31, 2014
When I was in my early 20’s, I had two abortions. They were within 9 months apart. I felt I could not take care of myself and a baby. The father of the baby wanted me to have the abortions. He was using drugs and could not keep a regular job. To make matters worse, I went to a physic, and she told me to be careful not to get pregnant because it was the wrong time. Then I ended up missing my period within a week. So I listened to the demons and had a second abortion. I have regretted the abortions my whole life, and I’m 46 now. I have been blessed with two children after that. Do you know how hard it was to tell my daughter the truth—that she has two other siblings I aborted? I cant believe I did that. I can never take it back, and I have to live with that my whole life. I should have protected my babies. If you’re thinking of an abortion, don’t do it. You have to live with the pain your whole life.
Date: January 29, 2014
I've been with my boyfriend for around 6 months now. A couple of weeks ago, I just didn't feel like myself. I started to get really moody, and all I wanted to eat was ice cream, all of the time. I missed my period for about 3 weeks, and I was having really bad stomach aches, so I decided to phone a doctor. She told me that I needed to take a home pregnancy test. I told her no, that could not be the problem because I never thought I could be pregnant— because we were always so careful. So, I went to the chemist just to find something to settle the pain, and the man behind the counter convinced me to try the test. Both of the sticks came up positive, and I went to the chemist and cried for almost 2 hours. I have a bright future. I've always been dedicated to my work and school, so it freaked me so much out that I actually had a child growing inside of me. I called the radio doctor to come make sure, and she made an appointment with the gynecologist, because I no longer wished to keep the child. Because of my age and my body structure, keeping it would only hurt both of us. My appointment is later this week, but I've been having really bad nausea and tummy cramps. I don't really know if that's normal, so I had an ultrasound, and the man showed me its little heartbeat. I cried then too for a long time. I'm still in so much pain and so scared for the termination. I really can't be the only one, can I?
Date: January 27, 2014
I recently graduated from college—back in May. I did it with a one-year-old child, on my own, when I was told I could not do it. But I did. I recently found out I was pregnant again—by the same guy. The thing is, during my first pregnancy, he got another girl pregnant while I was pregnant. We argued a lot but made up. When I found out this time about being pregnant, I was in the ER, and the nurse asked me how far along was. I said, “What are you talking about?!” She said, “…with the pregnancy.” I immediately started crying. All I could think about was already having a child. I still cannot find a good job, and I don't get financial help from my son’s dad. Another child will just mean more struggle. I told my son’s dad, and he immediately said we need to get an abortion. I understand where he is coming from, but I never want to kill my child because of a mistake I continue to make. I am scared to tell family because they don't like my sons dad. Its not that he is a bad person—he is a 29 year-old professional who doesn't take responsibility for his actions or take care of my son the way he should. He doesn't care how bad it hurts me emotionally or how it would hurt physically, and he has made it very clear that he will not be supportive of me if I keep the baby. He said, “Why would you want to bring a child into this mess?”—the mess he made by messing with other girls while I was pregnant with my first son. Instead of going to my doctor, I wanted to see how far along I was and found out I was 5 weeks. My due date is September 16—a day after my 2 year-old’s birthday. I really don't know what to do. I researched so much on how it affects women, and so far it seems to be so depressing. I don't want to deal with that regret for the rest of my life. I have cried so much, every day, thinking about what to do. I hold my stomach, knowing it is a precious little girl in there. I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want to make things worse. I want to make the right decision that is best for me and my son, but I don't have the support from anyone except my twin sister. I know my family will be upset that I am pregnant again by the same guy. Even though I am 25, I feel as though I am 16—ashamed of what I put myself into. Even though he tells me how much he loves me, I don't think a man would make a woman choose like that. He comes back home tomorrow and wants me to take the pill soon, but I need to make the decision—even if it makes him mad.
Date: January 20, 2014
I haven't yet had an abortion, but my boyfriend and I are considering it. A few weeks before I found out I was pregnant, I had a dream that I found a fetus on the floor behind my apartment complex. I cupped it in my hands and saw it slowly grow from a fetus to a newborn baby. It was so beautiful and its small little hand grabbed my pinky and said, “Everything happens for a reason.” Shocked that the baby could speak, I stared at it in disbelief, and then I noticed a glow on my hand that was being held by the child. I looked up to find an angel floating above me. The angel told me, “Let everything fall as it may. Be the best you can be and I'll take care of the rest.” The night before I found out I was pregnant, I dreamt that I found a rack of bookmarks. On one side it said "LIFE,” and on the back it said, “Everything happens for a reason”—again!! I went to the clinic to find out that I am expecting. I have yet to find out how far along I am. That happens this Wednesday. I told my boyfriend that I am pregnant and we discussed abortion. Then he asked if I was considering anything else, and I told him I was considering adoption—but fear I would get too attached. I am currently living on my own with a friend, struggling to make ends meet. And my boyfriend still lives with his parents. Plus, we have college and work, and my family would NOT support me. My boyfriend told me, “Honestly, if you were to keep it, I'd disappear. I can't be a father. Not right now. No, I'm sorry. I just can't" My father disappeared on my mother and me when I was still in her belly and my boyfriends knows that. He called my father a coward, and then he says that?! It really upset me. I have yet to make my decision, but I fear that he won't even stay to support me if I were to do adoption. When I told him I was reconsidering, he told me he didn't want me to have to go through that. The birth, I'm guessing? He tells me that he wants children, but not right now—when we are not financially stable. I don't want to regret having an abortion, but I also don't want to feel so attached to the baby and then give it away. And depending on how far along I am, I have done some things that could have messed with the baby's health/growth and have to take that into consideration when choosing what I will do. I'm just so confused, and I don't know what to do.
Location: Houston, TX
Date: January 20, 2014
The moment I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't think about anything else. I'm 27-years-old and raising a 7-year-old boy pretty much by myself. My now ex-boyfriend didn’t show much support even though we lived together. My initial response was, “I’m not ready for another child at this point in my life.” But if that was the case, what were my options? That was December 22, 2013. On Jan 4th, it was confirmed. I was 6 weeks pregnant. I was happy to be pregnant but not too excited about the circumstances that surrounded the situation. All I wanted was for my boyfriend to be supportive and to reassure me that our future was going to work out for the best with the baby that we created. But no, it seemed as soon as I told him I was pregnant, he stopped coming home. It bothered me but not too much. I thought we would talk about it later. Well, the unthinkable happened. The night he came home, which was two days later, we got into a verbal fight which led to me asking him to leave. He left and stopped answering my calls or texts. Mind you, my becoming pregnant was something that HE WANTED. Now I know it takes two to get pregnant, and tracking my period was the only form of birth control I took. FOOLISH, but I had it under control for so long because I knew what not to do on my fertile days. To make this short, I found myself alone and pregnant with no support, other than co-workers. I felt so lost. I then looked up pro-choice and pro-life abortion information and immediately thought abortion was not something I wanted to go through. But on the other hand, I feared what would happen in 9 months and the next 18 plus years with another little one! I was TORN, HURT CONFUSED and HAPPY. I was ready to make prenatal appointments but considering abortion. I read other women's stories. I said, “I’m having my baby!” Then I scheduled an appointment to terminate my pregnancy, but I was still undecided. On the morning of the appointment, it had been about four days since I heard from my boyfriend. During that time, I called and texted him numerous times to talk about this, because this was special to me. NO ANSWER TO ANYTHING. I asked for 5 minutes of his time. Nothing. I cried and cried. And cried. Because I felt that was my attempt to carry my baby to term. I DIDN'T want to raise another child alone. MY son sees his dad only for the summer. This was the exact reason I didn't want to become pregnant—because of the doubts I had about the father being there. HE ignored me. I felt so sorry for putting my baby in this situation. After attempting to contact him and getting nothing, MY SELFISH thoughts told me that since he doesn't want to deal with this, neither do I. Understand, those were emotions of HURT and shock and disbelief over the position I was in. I understood this situation wasn't going to go away. I felt as if I had to make my decision soon because if I wasn't going to keep my baby, I'd rather do it sooner than later. I cried and cried! And then I went to the appointment. Two babies with two fathers—possibly no support from my family or the fathers’. So many thoughts. But my heart wanted my baby! On the way there, I called again. Nothing! I convinced myself it was the best choice, even though I knew it wasn't. Once there, they left me in the room for about twenty five minutes alone. That part was hard because I saw the equipment and looked at the computer with my information about what I was about to do. I held back tears and just fanned my face to stop them from coming. I had the surgical procedure done and when it was over, I thought, "I'm not pregnant anymore." I didn't feel relief—just sadness, but I went about my day and rested for the next couple of days. The day after the procedure, which was the 8th of January, it was my BIRTHDAY! I tried to celebrate but not as I wanted to. My only gift was the one I didn't receive—my baby. The day after my birthday, I broke down crying because I wanted to take it back and be pregnant again. I didn't care about being alone with my baby or the struggles I may have faced. I just wanted to take it all back. This has definitely been an eye opener for me. God knows where my heart was, but I let my mind make up my decision. It has been 3 days, and I have not spoken to my ex-boyfriend. He has no idea what I’ve done. If for any reason you have a doubt about going through with an abortion, please take the time to really think. Talk to someone you can trust.This is a decision I have to live with for the rest of my life. I just hope God will bless me with another opportunity to have a child—as this is something to not take for granted.
Location: Tucson, AZ
Date: January 11, 2014
I am a post-abortive woman of over 30 years. I have had 3 abortions. The men I was with coerced me into having abortions because they didn't want any children. My first two abortions were done between 6-8 weeks. My third abortion was done at 4 months. When I was dropped off at the Planned Parenthood, I walked into that clinic alone and petrified. I was escorted into a back room—behind closed doors—and was told by the nurse that [abortion] was the best thing I could do for myself. “You won't feel anything,” she told me, “the doctor has done lots of these procedures and IT'S ONLY A BLOB OF TISSUE.” I didn't know my baby could dream! I didn't know that my babies felt pain. I was lied to! I was escorted to the "procedure room" after changing into a hospital gown. The nurse administered the pain medicine, and I waited for the doctor to come in. The procedure room was cold and there was a very distinct smell. I noticed a large canister in the corner with a tube attached and on the end was a sharp metal object. The doctor came in and patted me on the leg and said, “Don't worry, I've done lots of these, you will be fine." The doctor switched on the instrument and took that tube and shoved it up inside of me with such force that it literally took my breath away. I was still waiting for the pain medicine to kick in, and it never did. I begged the nurse to stop—crying with unbelievable pain, squeezing her hand and telling her that the pain was incredible. No one heard my cries; no one heard my pleas. My baby was being sucked through a tube, torn into pieces. What part of that is natural, what part of that is normal? I was her mother and my job was to protect her. How did I protect her? I will never forget what I did; this is the "choice" I made.
I led a life of sex, drugs and alcohol to try and numb the pain, to try to forget. but no matter how hard I tried, I would still wake up the next day remembering the decision I made to kill my unborn children. I didn't have God in my life back then. I was lost, selfish and a murderer. In 1999, I got married and became a Catholic. I found mercy and forgiveness starting in 2004 and attended a Rachel's Vineyard Retreat in March, 2005. It was there that I found out that God loved me. He forgave me and showed His mercy on me. At that retreat we had to name our children, write them a letter, baptize them and bury them. Each child received a Certificate of Life, not a certificate of death. For no matter how small they were, they still had life. My unborn children's names are Matthew, Thomas and Katherine. I know now that abortions stop a beating heart. I know now that babies as young as 8 weeks old feel pain. I know now that what I did to my children was torture. I have a daughter whom I love so much, but what I did was deny her siblings. She knows about my abortions and was upset when I told her. She said she was sorry that I did that.
God is good, loving, merciful and forgiving. I know that now. God gave me a wonderful gift. He knew that I had aborted two sons and a daughter, but He gave me two grandsons and a granddaughter. How cool was that! My grandchildren know of my abortions, and I told them that my children are their "guardian angels.” Each one of my grandchildren now know the names of their angels.
Abortions are not the answer! It is not our decision to end life. Only God has that right. I will regret my abortions until the day I die, and I pray that my children in heaven will know that I love them. I pray that they forgive me.
Location: Norristown, PA
Date: January 10, 2014
Having spent all my life in and out the hospital, I never thought it was possible for me to get pregnant. But after having a surprise missed period, I took a test and it was positive. I was in total shock and thought to myself that I wouldn't be able to keep my baby. I was fresh out of college with my masters but had fallen on hard times—having to move out my condo by the following week and not knowing where I would end up. So I called the man who was the father of my child and told him. He was in shock as well and didn’t say much. So I asked him if he wanted another child. He already has 2 and isn’t allowed to see one. He said, “To be honest, I wasn't ready for the first one, and right now, I cannot take care of another child.” Being that he is 10 years older then me, he said I was too young to have a baby right now. So we agreed on abortion, but as the night went on, I begin to think about my baby and I wondered what it would become. After two days, I was having mixed feelings about wanting to keep my baby. I told the father, and he basically told me the same thing. He could not take care of another child, and I should enjoy being young. I wanted to cry, but instead I just said, “OK.”
The next week, I left the state to go and stay with family. Right before I left, I had unexpected car problems—which took all my money and a bit of my savings. I got a call from the father, who was kind of upset that I didn't tell him about leaving. I told him about the car problems and that I wouldn't be able to pay for the abortion. He said that he would get the money for it. The next day he sent me the money.
By this time I was just scared. I set up the first appointment for the abortion. I really didn't want to kill my baby, but at the same time I didn't want my child to suffer. I grew up without a father, and I didn't want a child of mine to go through such pain. The night before the appointment, I cried all night long, cried myself to sleep. The next morning, I drove to the clinic. I almost cried in the parking lot. A couple walked up to me and asked if I was OK. Then they asked if they could pray for me. I said, “Yes.” I couldn't build up enough strength to go inside the clinic, so the couple told me where I could go to get free help—such as an ultrasound and consulting. I went to that place instead. The women there were very helpful. They first talked with me and asked what my plans were. I told them everything and how the father didn't want it. They did the ultrasound. I really didn't know how to feel seeing my baby. I thought, “Wow there is really a baby in there.” They also walked me through the process of getting a abortion done. After I left, I felt a little better about the whole thing. But I still had to make a decision. I talked with my best friend and grandma. They both asked what I was going to do. The only thing I thought of was that I didn’t want to bring my baby here to suffer, and I thought I couldn't be a mother. I kept thinking about everything I went through in life early on. I couldn't imagine having my baby go through the same.
It’s been 6 weeks since I had the abortion. I was 10 weeks, and my life has been hell ever since. I regretted the abortion before I got it done. I was awake through the procedure and cried while they did it and a little after.
I have been depressed—feeling guilt and regret. Every day, I think about my baby—wishing I could bring it back, knowing I can't. I've even been having dreams of my baby. In some of them, I'm holding my baby, and in some I'm still pregnant. I have been trying to move on, but it’s like it’s getting worse and worse. On some days, if feels like I can't carry on. Last night, I had a dream, and I woke up crying. Since I'm having dreams about my baby, it’s very hard for me to go to sleep and to stay asleep. I feel horrible for what I did, and I don't know how many times I can ask for forgiveness. I can't even forgive myself. if I could, I’d bring my baby back.
And Friday I have to go to the clinic for a check up. I hate to have to go back, but my body still feels weird.
How does anyone forgive themselves and carry on, after something like this? If anyone reading this is a believer of the most high, please pray for me. That I find it in my heart to forgive myself and find my way out of this darkness that I am experiencing. I know that I will never forget my baby and will always think about it, but I need help to carry on.
Date: January 9, 2014
My story...I was in high school...I think about 16...funny how details like my age I don't remember, but the details I wish I could forget are never going to be fuzzy...cheerleader...a kind boyfriend...seemed my parents and older siblings were known by just about everyone in town...I was the youngest...the smart student with tons of potential...social but not a partyer...a wanna be rebel...sneaking cigarettes and sex...had 2 abortions...don’t know which was which; it all just blends into an awful dark shadow on my teenage life...I remember the lady at the clinic telling me I was past the 12 week deadline after feeling my belly...I think I begged and convinced them it was only a few days; what's the difference?…I was already there and had the money...I came home after...lied about where I had been...couldn't hide the pain...lied and said I had period cramps...something was wrong...went upstairs to sit on the toilet...crying as quiet as I could so I wouldn't get caught...then massive cramping...then a plop...what was that?...I looked and saw something that changed my life forever...wait, what?...that looks like tiny fingers...and ribs...is that an eye?...don't they check their trash to make sure they got it all?!?...did they check?...I have since come to believe there may have been twins and I was looking at #2, without #1...they sent me home not knowing he job wasn’t done...my first labor and delivery was to a mutilated fetus...I had killed...I tried so hard to convince myself it was just a blood clot...it wasn't...I couldn't flush...I scooped it out and kept it under my bed in a box...sobbing in shock and disbelief every day...until I didn't want to get caught...and it was dried up...I saw what I allowed...I asked for that...because my parents wouldn't understand...I didn't tell them what happened until last year...sobbing as if it happened the week before...I was 39...mother of 3...wanting to die...it followed me all the years...I didn't know it though...I never thought about it...it was someone else's story not mine...couldn't be...but it was...it is.
Location: Madison, CT
Date: January 9, 2014
My story is not a regret yet. I haven't made a decision. I am 18 and just started college. I'm going for culinary. I met this guy who I love when I moved down to Charlotte. We have been together almost 5 months now. I recently found out I was pregnant. I missed my period and told my boyfriend. But he didn't care at the time. Then I started having really bad cramps. So I went to the hospital. That's when I found out I was 7 weeks. Now I am 14 weeks, with a decision that is so confusing. My boyfriend is older than I am, and he does not have a job. I'm in college. We thought of how we couldn't support it. He already has a child. That's one of my reasons why I think he doesn't want to keep it. I been having nightmares, and I stay up late crying and talking to my belly. I tell my baby everything will be fine. I wish it could. He wants me to abort the baby, and I'm scared if I tell him I made my decision to keep it, he will leave. Tonight I told him I couldn't go through with it. I said, “What if it’s my time to raise a child to have as my own?” But he said he will not have the child, period. All I can think about is what's right to do. I'm scared and terrified. I cry every night because I'm scared I will regret this my whole life. I just need help and support. Please, god, set me on the right road.
Location: Charlotte, NC
Date: January 6, 2014
What do you do when you see your 9 week fetus coming out of you while you lay in the tub? The hardest thing was to watch my baby go down the drain. I knew I was pregnant before even getting a positive. I was so excited—not so much my boyfriend. He wanted the baby aborted. I secretly prayed that he would change his mind and want this just as much as I did. I went to the E.R just to see and hear my baby’s heart beat. It beat 125 beats per minute. I held my stomach in total happiness, but my boyfriends wasn't there to hear, so he would never know how she sounded. The day arrived, and I remember taking the pill to kill my baby then being given a baggy of meds to take home and suffer. As I sat in the car on my way home, I cried horribly, knowing she was dead. I lost all control of my sanity. Laying down on the couch, going through labor was not how I planned this. Continually vomiting and in pain, I decided to lay in the tub. My water looked like a murder scene, but I was still alive—watching my child go down the drain. Since then, I have not forgiven myself. I yearn for that emptiness to be filled again. I recommend young women to research and truly do it for yourself. The doctors should tell you that your life will never be the same. You will sleep, eat and dream of your beloved child.
Location: Dallas, TX
Date: January 5, 2014
This is a story in progress. The "lost and confused" mother clearly doesn't want an abortion, but the decision has yet to be made...
Life has been difficult. My partner and I have been together for over three years, and we have a beautiful and healthy one-year-old-daughter together. When we found out we were pregnant, I was filled with excitement and joy. Abortion was never a discussion.
We made some of the most horrid ethical mistakes during that pregnancy; I thank God He was protecting our daughter when we were not. After our daughter was born, her father and I split up, and we both got the help we needed. Around the time she was six months, we decided to get back together. It wasn’t long after that that our lives came crashing down around us again—resulting in our daughter being apprehended by Children’s Aid (CAS).
I am working hard to become stable and have her returned fully into in our lives. She is with family now, and I see her often. Every time I look at my daughter, I feel like a failure. She is the most perfect, precious gift from God, and I am scared her father and I will taint her.
Recently, I found out I am pregnant once again. This time, I had a mixed feeling. I felt joy in that my daughter would get to experience a sibling and that God has given me another chance to do things right. At the same time, I am darkened with fear and a sense of hopelessness. I have been extremely depressed, and my emotions are unstable. My partner kept quiet for the first little bit and did not share any joy with me. He has now made it VERY clear he does not want another child and will not support me in keeping the child.
Being pregnant right now is the last thing we need, yet neither one of us took the precautions to prevent pregnancy. I am a strong believer that God does not give you anything you cannot handle. Realistically, part of me thinks the timing is not right, and I fear I will not be able to give this child all that it deserves.
What scares me more is that termination is becoming so difficult for me to grasp as I feel bonded with this child more and more every day. I don't know that I can live with myself knowing I killed my daughter's sibling. I have never regretted having my daughter; would I regret having another? I am so lost and so confused. This decision seems impossible, especially without the love or support from my partner. Can I do this on my own? Raise two children on my own? This is the reality I may be facing if I choose to go forth with the pregnancy.
Another untold story—an unknown ending.
Date: January 5, 2014
When I was 20 years old, I became pregnant. Like many, I was scared and not sure what to do. I listened to family members who told me that I had my whole life ahead of me and that having the baby would "ruin" my life. One family member even told me that I would get big and fat, and nobody would want to be with me.
I had an ultrasound at only 5 weeks along and could clearly see the heart beat on the ultrasound screen, as small as it was. I was touched by this and so was my mom (grandma). However, as time went on, my anxiety, uncertainty, and indecisiveness grew. When I was close to 10 weeks along, I saw another OB/GYN that a relative recommended who performed abortions on a regular basis. She let me hear the baby's heartbeat loud and clear, telling me that the heart beat sounded healthy for unborn babies of this age. I was very overwhelmed. She told me that the time was very close to where I needed to decide whether or not to have an abortion, since I was getting close to the end of the 1st trimester.
My boyfriend wanted the baby. He would lay his head on my stomach and cry, saying things like, "I'm trying my best to save you." He knew I was very overwhelmed and stressed and was having a very tough time making a decision. He really wanted to be a dad. On January 16, 1996, a relative who felt abortion was the "right" thing to do drove me to the clinic. I was crying the whole way there out of guilt and fear. We first got to a clinic and found out we were at the wrong place. I was still crying as I noticed a very pregnant woman announcing that she was pregnant with twins to someone. I felt that this was one more sign I should not go through with it, but the increasing fear and anxiety of having a baby, and the unknown of it all, took over once again. We headed to the other place, which was a surgical center. I sat in the waiting room and cried. My relative told me comfortingly, “This is the most loving and caring decision you could make. Quality of life is as important as life itself." Soon they wheeled me in on a gurney. I was still in tears. Regardless, none of the staff or the doctor asked if I was sure I wanted to go through with this. Had they asked me, I would have said, “No" and walked out.
I was soon in the operating room. I remember seeing clear, coiled tubes on a table which my unborn baby would be dismembered and sucked through, and I heard cheerful music being played—as if it were just another routine "surgery" about to be performed. I woke up later in the recovery room feeling very drugged and almost in disbelief that my baby was gone. A part of me wondered if maybe they could have made a mistake, and I still had my baby inside of me somehow. When I had to wear pads throughout the day. due to the typical bleeding that takes place after an abortion, the reality of the permanent decision I made became all too real.
Meantime, years passed and I discovered that abortion can kill or harm more than just an unborn baby. A year ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had surgery and radiation but declined chemo, because it can damage or destroy fertility and eggs. Being that I am in my late 30's with no children, I just couldn't see myself risking this. I've learned that even with fertility preserving methods such as freezing eggs, success rates are not very high, so I made the decision not to go with all recommended treatments.
I don't care what the doctors may tell you or may not want to tell you; abortion can greatly increase the risk of breast cancer. My type was lobular hormonal receptor positive and there are empirical scientific articles supported by research out there that clearly state there is a correlation between abortion and breast cancer, because when a pregnancy is suddenly interrupted, there are changes in breast cells that take place because the cells are originally preparing to produce milk and the process is suddenly stopped—leading to the risk of irregular cell growth (cancer). These are not studies that are on religious sites or pro life sites. THESE ARE SCIENTIFIC ARTICLES that most doctors want to brush off. Don't get me wrong, different factors can cause breast cancer and people can get it anyhow, but more than half the people who get it are much older than I am. When you hear about younger people getting breast cancer, you really have to examine the situation and be educated about the abortion breast cancer link. I'm speaking from my own experience and others'. My experience speaks for itself. Keep in mind, I never drink or do drugs and have always tried to have a healthy lifestyle.
It's an understatement to say that I regret my decision. Not only did I take an innocent unborn life, but part of my life was robbed as well. My child will never get to call me mom or blow out his/her birthday candles. He/she never had the chance to live because someone else chose for that baby. My child would have been 17 years old last August and I'm 38 now with no children. The father of my baby in heaven has since married and states he will probably never have the opportunity to have children again. I have not tried to get pregnant due to my career not being finished and my relationship situation being up in the air. I've never wanted to have a child out of wedlock and wanted to make sure that if I am blessed enough to become pregnant again, I want it to be the right situation. However, it's reality that someone in their late 30's has a much lower fertility rate than in their 20's or early 30's. Eggs age no matter what and in general, pregnancy is more difficult to achieve and maintain even if not impossible.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of my child and what he/she would have looked like or been like. I always remember the August due date. Not only do I have to live with my decision, but I also have the new health concern and the threat of my breast cancer returning. I wonder if it will rob my life too soon. If it weren't for the abortion, there is a very high chance this concern would not exist. It’s not fun to have to worry about this and certainly not worth it!! Although it would not replace my child in heaven, I pray to be blessed with another baby.
In closing, in memory of my child, I will share my story with as many as possible, in hopes that they will take my story to heart and choose against abortion. Please be aware that there are millions of people who cannot conceive and are on long wait lists for adoption, while tons of unborn babies are killed and devalued through abortion each minute. Please hear me; please trust me, abortion is not the easy way out! The reality of the decision will come back to haunt you later in life!!
Date: January 2, 2014
A few years back, when I was 21, I got pregnant. I was so happy and so was my husband, but then three weeks later, my husband started saying it was my fault that I was pregnant and told me to abort. So did my mother and my dad. My friends said to keep the baby, but I didn't want to ruin my relationship. I gave it a lot of thought, and I cried. I didn't know what to do, but then I called the abortion clinic and made an appointment for Monday. The day after the abortion, I thought about what I did and started crying—regretting what I had done. I kept thinking that my baby is not in my tummy anymore—that it is dead. After that, I got divorced. One month later, I met my wonderful husband who I had a little girl with and a little boy. Every time I look at them, I see my little girl who I never got to meet. After the abortion, I never saw my mom and dad ever again. I love my friends, and I regret that I didn't listen to them. I love my husband and my kids, but I still feel a hole in my heart.
Location: Mira Loma, CA
Date: December 31, 2013
This is not an abortion-regrets story. But it could soon wind up that way. This woman writes from the throes of indecision. She has a visit to the abortion clinic scheduled for Friday, but is asking for help in making the decision...
After being a week and a half late for my period, suspicion came about. I told the guy who I have been "fooling around with.” He immediately went and bought a pregnancy test. After eagerly waiting eight hours to take the test (because I had been working). I rushed over to his house to take it. I waited for my urine to clear the screen… My heart sunk. I immediately felt confused. It wasn't even a week ago that I found out this amazing guy that I had been involved with had a girlfriend the entire time. I cried, I'm not ready for this. I already have a three year old who I have raised on my own since day one. I can't do this again; I can't raise a second child on my own. I'm a single mom, working for ten dollars an hour. I'm not mentally or financially prepared for this… We considered our options, abortion being the most favored. We called a clinic and scheduled an appointment; first step is to take their pregnancy test and have a sonogram to see how far along I am. That appointment is this Friday. I've never felt so lost and alone in my life. I have this guy who's stood beside me since finding out, but he doesn't understand how emotional this decision has been. I've been sitting by myself for the last hour crying my heart out, researching and reading others' stories to maybe help make my decision a little easier. Honestly, it's only become harder. I don't want another child of mine to come from a broken home. I want a family for my child. My children. If I have this baby, I will struggle to provide for not just one but now two. I have a bigger family to complete. Possibly a loss of all sanity, and my home will no longer be home. If I go through with the abortion, it's already been made clear how I will react to it. I've become an emotional wreck already and no official plans have been made. I know this site is to tell your story; my story just happens to be unfinished. I'm seeking for help in making the right decision. I'm so torn and keeping it a secret is only making me feel alone in the matter.
On December 29, we received the following update:
I posted a week ago with my story; I thought an update would be nice, seeing as so many of you guys read my story and reached out to me with your words of wisdom. I went through with the appointment Friday; I'm seven weeks along and the baby has a strong heart beat of 141. I want to thank all of you who have encouraged me. I'm very happy to share that I have decided to keep the baby. We're faced with challenges often but only because God knows that those of us who accept the challenge will get through it. After two bad experiences happening the last two days, one ending with my car being totaled, I'm left to believe that the big man upstairs is no doubt looking out for me—and my unborn child. If I wasn't meant to have it, he would work his magic and end this pregnancy naturally. God bless all of you who responded to my post when I was in desperate need of help. I don't usually reach out, but this was one thing that I needed to reach out for. It has been a difficult decision, but my baby is expected to make its appearance August 14th. For those of you who read carefully and saw that I already have a little girl, that was also her original due date. :) How ironic!? Thank you all again, SO MUCH!
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Date: December 22, 2013
My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost 3 years, and last year I fell ill. I was 16 years old at the time. I was taken to the doctor by my mother and was diagnosed with gastro. The doctor said that if my vomiting did not stop, I should be taken to a hospital. The vomiting never stopped, and I ended up in a hospital where they set me up on a drip and ran a blood test. The doctor called me into a separate room and told me that the reason for my symptoms was that I was 7 weeks pregnant. I had no idea how to tell my parents. My boyfriend and his family were overjoyed, but my mother said I was too young, had my whole life ahead of me and was not ready to have a baby yet. My mother suggested that I have an abortion. My father disagreed but eventually gave in. I cried all the way to the abortion clinic the next day. I didn't know what to expect. I told her I changed my mind, but she said that it was already too late. It was the worst 5 minutes of my life. I cried for days after that. Every time I look at a baby, especially a newborn, I feel a hole inside of me. I feel empty and get depressed and emotional, and I start to cry. To this day, it is my deepest regret. If I could go back in time, I would stop myself because it eats away at me every day, without fail.
Location: Cape Town
Date: December 10, 2013
I fell in love with my high school sweetheart. We dated from the beginning of our sophomore year until our senior year. At the beginning of our senior year we had a falling out, and I lost my way. I met a 27-year-old, (who lied and told me he was 19). Naive and young, I sadly believed him. We had consensual intercourse a couple times. Within a couple weeks, I found his profile on MySpace which he swore was a fake. It had his real age. I quickly began to realize that this guy was a psychopath. I immediately ended things and didn’t speak to him for a few weeks. Then one night, on January 15, 2010, my friends needed a ride somewhere. I argued with my friend for some time but eventually gave in. This guy promised a ride to them if I was present. That night, I was raped. Yes, you read correctly. Raped. I will spare the details of that because this is an abortion regret website and not a rape website.
Here's where my story gets interesting. I found out I was pregnant four and a half weeks later. Exactly three days after my missed period. I was 17, pregnant and suddenly at the bottom of the largest mountain I would have to climb. I had a decision to make that tested my faith completely. I passed. I chose life.
My son is three today and is the most beautiful miracle that has ever happened to me. He is healthy, happy and content—something I have always prayed for him. He is my sunshine, and I know I made the right choice. It is the choice that God wanted me to make and ultimately the choice that I wanted to make.
My high school sweet heart and I reunited a month after my son was born and, we became a family. We moved in with each other and my broken self seemed to be on the mend, finally. We had been together for nine months when I found out I was pregnant. I felt a mixture of emotions. I was happy to be carrying a child with a man I loved, whom loved me back. But most of what I was feeling was fear—fear of my high school sweetheart changing his mind about our little family because let's face it, our circumstance was anything but normal.
I got an ultrasound at 5 weeks, and the lady who was performing my ultrasound told me that my “fetus” did not yet have a heartbeat. Now remember, this is your normal OBGYN office—not an abortion clinic. I felt like I suddenly had an answer to all of my fears, doubts and questions with that one, simple statement.
By the time I had my abortion appointment, I was 7 weeks along. I had yet another ultrasound done and asked if the baby had a heartbeat. For some reason, I couldn't call my baby a fetus. I was informed that my baby did in fact have a heartbeat. That was enough for me. Suddenly, all I could think about was the little life I had inside of me with it's fluttering little heartbeat. I left Planned Parenthood and did not have the abortion.
Outside in the car was my high school sweet heart, crying—while holding and soothing my son back to sleep. That was the first time I had ever seen my boyfriend cry. Before I went into the building, I was under the impression that this abortion is what he wanted as well. When I told him that I couldn't go through with it, he was just as happy as I was.
This is where my nightmare began. Over the next few weeks, we discussed the reality of our situation—barely 19 with two children. He was scared and rightly so, but because he was scared, I was petrified. I suddenly had all of those same doubts and fears but multiplied! I scheduled another abortion appointment, this time at 9 weeks. I literally feel nauseous at this moment, as I type this out.
It is two years since my abortion, and I still wake up in cold sweats from the nightmares that occur often. It's midnight here in California, and I somehow found myself on this website. Upon reading other entries, I knew what had to be done. If I could save just one child's life—because that's what "it" is, a child and not a "fetus”—then I will write about my regret until my fingers become numb and are no longer able to move. I regret my decision every second. Every breath I take, I breathe with regret. I am appalled by myself and hate myself for what I have done.
I ended up marrying the man of my dreams, my high school sweetheart. It appears to the outside world that we are your perfect, happy family. But this is not the case. I am simply stuck. I don't know how to become un-stuck. What do I do?
Date: December 6, 2013
I was 15 when I found out I was pregnant. My partner was controlling, and he and his mother made the decision to terminate the baby. I was against this decision, but as I was young, I felt that I couldn't tell anyone or seek help, so I agreed, feeling I had no other option. Thinking back, [the abortionist] never really lied to me, but he never really told me the truth about the process, and I was led to believe the baby would feel no pain. On the day (of the abortion), I was terrified. I found out that day that I was much further along than I thought—12 weeks. Even then, I was pressured to go through with it. I've never felt so helpless. I've regretted that day ever since, and while I stayed with [my partner] for another 3 years, things degraded from there—ending in me leaving him after the birth of our first child. I can never forgive him, but more than that, I can never forgive myself. My son would be starting school next year.
Location: New South Wales
Date: December 4, 2013
Abortion is murder.
Hating someone in your heart is murder.
I am guilty of both.
While at a christian college in my very early 20’s I became pregnant by a boyfriend my family was none too happy I had. I knew I shouldn’t have been having sex. I didn’t even really love my boyfriend, even by the vague standards I had then. I was filling a void, temporarily meeting my needs on a very superficial level. I knew who jesus was, but I didn’t understand about sin separating me from god.
When I became pregnant, at 21, I knew I didn’t want to have a baby. My entire life had been filled with the lies my body was my own to do with what I wanted and conception didn’t mean the “fertilized egg” was an actual baby. I was raised with an attitude of a woman being able to do whatever she wanted and anything or anyone standing in my way was a negative easily pushed to the side. I chose to believe every one of them.. I had no value for life nor had I often been around children. I know I could blame my choice on deception, but I didn’t ask god what he wanted me to do, because I knew even then, with my little knowledge of god, he would call me to accept responsibility for my actions.
I chose murder.
I chose death.
I was wrong.
It’s difficult to think if I would have kept my baby I would have a 10 year old today. A daughter or son who would be a wonderful blessing, was instead sucked out of me, and my selfishness is the only excuse I can give. Because, the truth is, any woman who can admit to you she has had an abortion cannot offer you any unselfish excuse for her murder. She may not agree its murder, but she will confess her roots of selfishness.
I could go on about the horrors of the day I abandoned my child. I could give you the details of a woman who offered to keep my baby if I decided to carry the life to term. I could tell you how I left no choice to the man whose child I carried, who was devastated, to lose what he was sure was his son. I could tell you about the blood or the tears or the girl who started telling people at my christian school she “thought” i’d had an abortion. I could tell you how I hated children for a long time after my abortion. I could tell you how my life spiraled downhill deeper and deeper into sin after my life altering “choice.” I could tell you how I feared for years not being able to have children because everyone in my family had children young and then had serious women related health problems. I could tell you about the first time someone told me about wanting to have an abortion. I could tell you about the first time I shared the weight of my sin. I could tell you about the first time a friend hugged me after telling them what i’d done. She is to this day the only one who had immediately been sorry I had to go through the pain of the consequence of my sin. A true woman of god who knew the forgiveness of sin though hers wasn’t the same as mine. These are all parts I could share in great detail and the impact would be great, but the only thing of any great value I can share, is i’m forgiven. God washed me clean, and has given me new life, healing and the blessed grace of forgiveness through his salvation. He truly can forgive all things.
Today, as a mom of 4 almost 5 children, i’m overwhelmed with the concept being pro-life really does make youa better mom. Showing your children the value of life inside the womb is crucial to their biblical worldview. Though my children are young and the concept of abortion may be too much for their young minds to grasp, we do pray almost every night for the women who have babies in their bellies and aren’t happy about it, to choose life.
This testimony is also posted at: http://themomiwanttobe.com/
Date: November 25, 2013
I don’t know where to start, but here is my story. I was in my 2nd month of beauty school when I found out I was pregnant. I kinda knew I was because I didn't get my period the whole month of August. I told my boyfriend that I might be pregnant. He was hoping I was. On August 19, 2013, I took a pregnancy test on my break, and it turned out to be positive. I took 6 home pregnancy tests and two at a doctor’s office. My boyfriend was so happy that I was pregnant, and I was also. But then I started to think about me finishing school and how I would be able to support this child. Last August, I got the abortion done. It was the WORST 5 minutes of my life. All I can remember is the nurse coming into the room and telling me to get undressed and lay on this bed. Then the doctor came in the room with two other nurses. One gave me anesthesia, so I was in and out. By the time I knew what was happening, the nurse was helping me up and taking me to another room where other ladies were after their abortion. On September 17, I was supposed to go back to school, but I ended up dropping out because I couldn't handle it at the moment. So I never got my certificate in cosmetology. A few weeks later was my 21st birthday, and it was hard to deal with. I couldn't enjoy it because of what I'd done. There’s not a day that goes by that I don't think of my angel … I made a huge mistake. I know God has forgiven me for my sin, and I know he loves me, but I just feel like I'm not good enough and my life isn't worth living…. Not a month, day, hour, minute or second goes by that I don't think about what I've done. I wish I had someone to talk to before did it. So if your thinking about abortion, DON'T DO IT. YOU WILL REGRET IT & IT WILL HAUNT YOU FOREVER. I have so many dreams about babies, to the point where I won't sleep at night. Just remember, there's a women out there that would love to have a child, but she can’t. So don't make the same, careless mistake I made. God won't give you anything you can't handle. Believe in God. He'll get you thru this. I believe in him, that's why I can live to tell my story.
Location: West Babylon, NY
Date: November 24, 2013
This has been weighing heavy on my heart for over seven years, and I have only shared this story with three friends and one family member. My hope in sharing it is to save a young woman from making the same mistake I did.
It was the summer before my sophomore year of college, and I had been dating an older guy for a little over two years. He was 24 and I was 19. I was attending Colorado Christian University and was only home in New Mexico for the summer. My relationship with my boyfriend, to say the least, was extremely unhealthy. We would stay in contact while I was in Colorado, but we usually only saw each other when I would move home for the summer.
I found out I was pregnant only a month before I was planning to head back to Colorado to start soccer training. My whole world was at a stand still. I didn't know what to do, what to think, or even what to say. I never thought this would be a choice I would make. Yes, I made the choice to have unprotected sex and yes, I do regret that choice. I told my boyfriend, and we both didn't know what to do. Neither of us thought right away about aborting the baby. But, at one point, he suggested abortion, but I was very much against it. Well, I thought I was. I want to add that I cannot and will never blame him for 'making' me abort the baby because he did not make me do it. For weeks I would go back and forth about what I believed and what would be the best option at the time.
These were my thoughts if I decided to have the baby: I would let my entire family down, I had a soccer scholarship to fulfill, I would not finish college, would I be alone raising a child? The list goes on.
These were my thoughts if I decided to not have the baby: I am going against all beliefs that I ever had about this issue, I would let God down, I would lose my self respect, I am killing an unborn baby. The list goes on.
It was approaching the time to go back to Colorado, and we still had not yet decided what we were going to do. I ended up moving back to Colorado and yes I was still pregnant. I think the reason I prolonged it was because deep down in my heart, I could not fathom aborting this baby. After about two weeks of being back in Colorado I made the decision to have the abortion—a choice that will forever haunt me. My boyfriend sent me a card with the money and I set up the appointment.
I was incredibly nervous the entire way to the appointment, during, and after. I remember there were protestors outside of the building with signs of explicit pictures of the unborn babies that took place after the procedure and my heart just dropped. I kept thinking to myself: I cannot do this, I am making a horrible decision, God is going to hate me. My friend dropped me off and I went into the office, still hearing the protestors chant. I will never forget the experience because it was a horrifying one.
The receptionist gladly collected my money, gave me some pain medication, and had me sit in the waiting room—to wait to kill an innocent unborn baby. I got called back into a room and remember it all happening so fast. The nurse came in first and proceeded to do an ultrasound. That was honestly the worst part. Thankfully, I did not see nor hear the baby, but my heart was still in my stomach. After that, two doctors came in. They both told me their names and by that time, I was already drowsy from the anesthesia, so it was all a blur. The next thing I know, the nurse is back in the room trying to 'wake' me up, to move me to another room. They placed me in a room full of big comfy chairs. I and three other girls/women sat there silent. I honestly felt the presence of God. He was there with us all; he knew that we all were hurting and in desperate need of Him.
I went back to my normal routine; playing soccer, attending school, hanging out with friends, etc. My life was not the same though—by any means. I don't know if God was punishing me for what I did, but only one short month later, I ended up tearing my ACL while playing soccer. Therefore, my soccer career for the year was over. That question I asked myself before hand about not fulfilling my soccer scholarship if I had the baby, yeah, it happened anyways.
My relationship with God went completely downhill after I made this choice. I think maybe that's why I regret my decision more than anything. I felt and still feel guilty. I knew that God forgave me for the choice I made, but I felt that because of the choice I made I wasn't worthy to have a personal relationship with God anymore. I know now that this isn't the truth, but I did feel this way for a long time. For years I had felt ashamed, heartbroken, and had felt a distance between God and myself because of the choice I made.
There has not been a day that has gone by where I do not think about the choice I made at a young age and how I could have made a better choice. The burden of this has been on my heart for seven years. I completely, 100% regret the choice I made that day. Yes, God forgives and renews us, and I praise Him for showing me this when I was in my darkest days. God can and will heal our hearts, even when we make horrible life changing mistakes. I cannot blame anyone but myself for the choice I made.
Where I am now: It's truly amazing how great God is. I am 26 years old and living back in my home state of New Mexico. I am currently 31 weeks pregnant with my first baby boy. When I got pregnant over 7 months ago, multiple people told me to 'get rid' of the baby. I wish I would have told them my story and why that would never be a question in my mind again. I am thankful that I had the courage and opportunity to share my story, especially during this specific week. In New Mexico, yesterday was the official voting for the ban on aborting a fetus after 20 weeks. This topic stirred in my heart and also hit home. Yes, I am for the ban on aborting a fetus after 20 weeks, and I thank God that my heart has been changed completely. By the way, the ban was not passed, which saddens my heart. Did I ever think it was OK to abort a baby? No, I did not, but I made the choice to do it. Do I regret the choice I made? Yes, 100%.
Whomever is reading my story; what I want to leave you with is this: There are other options, and you are not alone! Find resources, do the research, and ultimately pray and let God help you through it—something I wish I would have done more. I will never judge anyone who has had an abortion because I have been there. I want to shed light and hope on this issue because I wish I would have never made the choice I made. People in my life or people I may not know will probably think differently of me after I share this, but I know my heart now and I know that God has forgiven me. I am extremely thankful that I have finally had the courage to share my story, so thank you.
I am now free from this burden. 1 John 1:9: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
Location: Albuquerque, NM
Date: November 20, 2013
I am 39 years old. I met this great guy on match.com, and nine months later I discovered I was pregnant. I got scared; he got drunk and said I did it on purpose. I got offended and decided not to include him in the decision making. Instead, I relied on advice from friends and relatives. Two relatives I trusted the most led me to abortion. I dumped the guy and went for a procedure the next day. After I had the abortion, I felt like I "died" with the baby. I had to quit my job and move out of Manhattan. I was in psych hospitals five times in two years. There are horrible changes with my body: hair doesn't grow any more, I have no period, and all I do is walk around the apartment and smoke. I am approaching the last of my savings. After it is gone, I will be homeless. This is probably an extreme case. I suffer so much. I am totally alone. All friends stopped talking to me. I was on top of the world with a nice salary and beautiful life. Abortion put me at the society bottom. Women, please do some research before you have abortion. It is a horrible thing to do to your body and the life that grows inside you.
Location: New York
Date: November 19, 2013
I recently found out I was 7 weeks pregnant. Two weeks ago, I had an abortion. I'm 20, and even though I knew it was the right thing to do, I don't know how I'm going to get through this. The man whose child it is made it quite clear that he wouldn't be around if I were to have a child, and so that was one of my reasons to go through with it—alongside not being able to financially support a child at this time. However, since he found out I was pregnant and especially after the abortion, he has been so supportive and kind. We are now seeing each other instead of just 'hooking up.' It's really confused me, and even though having someone there is so lovely, I still feel like I can't talk openly about the emotional and physical trauma that went along with it. I'm really struggling. I was always told I couldn't have children, and now I wonder if that was my chance? I miss my child every day—so, so much! The clinic let me keep a picture of the scan, and in a way, I'm glad I have it, but then in other ways I know it doesn't help. If I could go back, I would have never aborted.
Date: November 18, 2013
I'm not sure where to start. Maybe 11 years ago. My ex-husband and I were split up. He was a cheater, and he had asked me and my two children to leave. So we did. We were split up for at least 9 months. Right before Christmas that year, he came to me with stories of how he missed his family and wanted us back. I only went back because I actually felt sorry for this man. So we packed up the house I had made our home and moved back into the house we had once shared as a family. Right away, he started in on me that he wanted me to take a pregnancy test, saying he had a strange feeling I was pregnant. He cornered me in the bathroom one day with a test and I took it just to make him stop! I really thought he was just being silly.
Within two minutes, he started to clench up and shake with anger. I was pregnant—with someone else's baby. I could not even believe it. He informed me right away, “Well, just get rid of it. I can not and will not be able to raise this child as my own, knowing it is not.” He also reassured me that this wasn't a baby yet. This was just a "clump of cells.” I was in shock. I still didn't feel like it was real. He pulled the phone book out and looked up a doctor in Eugene. The very next day we took the 40 minute drive. Not a word was said. I remember it very clearly. It still didn't seem like I was pregnant. We sat in the office and waited. I remember looking around at the other women in the office waiting—wondering if it was the same surreal feeling for them as well. It was fast. The doctor said I was only about 6-7 weeks along. I don't remember the ride home. I do remember trying to act like nothing had happened. He never mentioned it again, like it didn't happen. Three months later, he ended the marriage once and for all with a 21-year-old cocktail waitress with three small children. The divorce was nasty. The battle over the custody of our daughter was a nightmare.
So fast forward to now, I am remarried, and we have a three-year-old daughter. I'm not even sure how I came to this website. But I spent a good two hours watching videos and reading. I saw photos of aborted babies at 7 weeks. I saw fingers, toes, eyes, finger nails. I saw tiny bodies with the heads detached. Some with their mouths open. All these emotions have come rushing over me. Feelings I was never allowed to feel before. Today, I sat and cried for over three hours, watching my precious baby girl sleeping on the sofa. How could I have done that to a tiny human being?? How could I have never felt these emotions before?!? I felt like such a monster. Was this the reasoning behind all my suffering and all the awful things I had experienced the last decade? Was this my karma; is it what I had coming? For the first time, I had felt what I should have felt that day. I was (and am) so ashamed of what I have done. That poor child—what they must have felt. And that monster that caused it was no longer just my callous ex-husband, but now it was me.
I pray for forgiveness. My daughter began to wake, and the first thing she did when she saw my red face and tears was to kiss me and tell me, "love you mommy.” That makes it better and makes it worse all at the same time. I was physically ill. What have I done? How could I have done that? I just went along like I had no choice. Such a fool. Now I am left with the feeling like it just happened. That child would have been 10.
Boy or girl? I'll never know. But I will always remember the feelings I have experienced this morning. I am glad I have had this awakening.
Date: November 13, 2013
On this day, November 11, two years ago in 2011, I aborted my lovely son. I have already written my story on April 21, 2013. I come back on this site often to find comfort when I’m grieving over the death of my child. Coming on this site allows me to feel as though I am not alone. My boyfriend begged me to abort, and my sister convinced me it was the best thing to do. My boyfriend had been cheating on me for 5 years with a woman who had multiple abortions for him. She finally got pregnant last October. When I was pregnant, he begged me to abort it. When she was pregnant, he supported her saying things like, “Oh no, you shouldn’t kill it…” When I was pregnant, I let him know if I killed my child I’d be doing it for him, not for myself… Strangely, when I said this, he got upset. I killed my child for him and lost him to her. Now this time, she didn't abort her child, and now he has a son with her. And my son IS DEAD. Plus, I haven't been able to conceive ever since. Since my last posting, I have found peace and forgiveness. At this point, I just want to go to heaven and be with my child, so I try to stay as humble as I can. Women are not informed about the mental and emotional toll an abortion can have on a person. There are so many resources in the world that will allow you to take care of your child and allow it to live. PLEASE choose life, not death for your child. I had twins at 16 and dealing with an abortion is harder than dealing with two children. If you have any doubt in your mind about aborting DO NOT DO IT. YOU WILL REGRET IT!
Someone responded to my story and told me to name my son, for heaven rejoices when a child is named. So I named Him Jirus.
I can’t believe its been two years since I let you die such a vulgar death. Jirus, I miss you so much. Words cannot describe the pain I feel every day. You were my one and only son, and I let the devil devour my soul and allowed your beautiful spirit to no longer be with me. Two days before your sisters’ birthday, I took you out of this world. It’s a disgrace and I’m sorry. I hope my constant thoughts of you will help me do what God has put me here to do, especially in remembrance of you. I love you, Jirus. Watch over mommy and your big sisters.
Location: Toronto, ON
Date: November 11, 2013
Two years ago today, November 11, 2013, I had an abortion. It still hurts just as much now today as it did the day it happened. This abortion was not something I wanted to do, but my boyfriend at the time insisted he knew what was better for me than I did and told me if I didn't do it he would leave me, and I would be alone. I was so wrapped up in the relationship, I didn't want to let him down, so I did what he said. On the drive home, I cried and cried, and he yelled at me and said, "you can't change what happened, so stop crying." The next day he broke up with me, and from that day until about a month ago, he strung me along and told me it was my fault that I went through with the abortion. I have yet to go talk to someone about this sensitive topic because I have not been able to verbally talk about it with anyone and I am afraid to talk about it face to face. I would like to see a day where abortion was done away with so no other girl has to feel this pain. It is one of the worst pains I have felt in my life.
Location: Goshen, Indiana
Date: November 11, 2013
I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant in July. When the test came back positive, I was so happy! I have a 5-year-old already, but I have wanted to have another baby for so long. At the time, my boyfriend and I had just broken up, and we weren't talking. I tried calling, but he ignored me, so I sent him a picture of the positive test. He still ignored me. I had my friends speak to him about it. He still wouldn't get in contact with me. When he finally did, a week later, he told me to get rid of it. I was heartbroken because not only did I love him so much, I instantly fell in love with my baby. I also had told family and friends, and only one of my friends was there for me. The rest made me feel so terrible about wanting to keep my baby. I loved it so much. The father of the baby began to be so nasty to me, and I felt like if I had the baby, I'd be left with nobody. For a couple of weeks, I was so undecided. I spent most of my time laying on my lounge room floor, just wanting to die. I felt so alone. I finally decided that I would go ahead with the abortion because, as much as I wanted my baby, I didn't want the father of the baby to resent me for it, and he was only 18—with no children and wanted to live he's life. But I've learnt that you need to do what makes you happy because at the end of the day, you’re the one who has to live with the regret, not anybody else. After the abortion, I woke up feeling so empty and sad. I realized it was the biggest mistake of my life and wished that I would have had that baby, raised it on my own, and loved it every day. I was so convinced it would have been a girl. I named her Aylah Grace. I will never forget my little angel.
Date: November 1, 2013
I found out I was pregnant in March, 2013. I was excited but scared. I already had a 3 year old and was separated from his father, but I was also excited because I felt I was doing this pregnancy differently—by being married first, then getting pregnant. I remember going to Walmart and buying a cheap pregnancy test. It was right around the time they put out all the decorations for Easter. I also bought my son some plastic eggs. We went to the counter to pay and, in my head, I felt as if the test was going to be positive. When I was rang up, my total was $5.25, which was crazy because my birthday is 5/25. I thought it was a sign. I remember walking to the restroom, not being able to wait to get home and take it… When it came out positive, my heart sank. I was not sure how to feel. I called my husband right away and told him. He was in total shock. When I got home everything sank in. He was upset that I was even considering keeping the baby, telling me all true facts, but it still was killing me inside. Two weeks later, after speaking and arguing about it, we decided to get an abortion. It has been one of the hardest decisions in my life to deal with. My heart hurts every day. I go out with my son and I think of how horrible a person I have been. What if I would have done that to him? I know my husband and I would have found a way. My due date would have been in about a week, and I can't help but think where I would be and how different my life could have been if I would have stood my ground on not having the abortion. Hardest decision of my life and still living with regrets.
Location: Oxnard, CA
Date: November 1, 2013
My story is a bit graphic, but I feel like it's important to tell. I had been in a lengthy relationship of which I have a daughter who is four. I was in a downward spiral when my “Romeo” came along: built, tall, tanned, and extremely handsome. He had his eyes on me. I, for the first time, went out on my guy (after 12 years) and after only a few hook ups, I was late. I had been absolutely reckless with this man! I actually wanted him to get me pregnant because I wanted to ditch my current relationship so bad. What a ringer, and I was really into him. A sergeant in the army. Best looking man I had EVER laid my eyes on. About 6 weeks in, I became violently ill. I'm already underweight and I was dropping pounds to no end. Hyperemesis. I thought I could through it. I still lived with my original guy and never breathed a word of the pregnancy. I stopped talking to my side guy, the thought of him was becoming unbearable. I hardly knew him! The more I spoke with him, the more mental issues I discovered. It was endless. Scared is an understatement. I could taste him inside of me and it made me puke even more. I hated him, and he didn't really know why I was ignoring him. I always preached pro-life. What a nightmare! I was all alone and nobody knew. I drove out of town for my sister’s baby shower. Her baby shower didn't budge me; I still didn't want it. When I got back to town, I called and scheduled my appointment at Feminist Women's in Atlanta. It was quite a drive. I let a random friend in on it; I needed a driver. I walked into the clinic, but there wasn't a seat available. I felt awkward being the only white woman in the entire building. I was mind blown at how many black women were having abortions. The protestors let me have it! I wasn't showing because, like I said, I am very small framed. I had guessed I was almost 12 weeks. Most of these ladies had multiple children, and it was kinda obvious why they were there. So I questioned my morality at that point. I could afford this baby, but I didn't want it. I was sick at the very thought of it. I was filling out my paperwork when I came across my ultrasound sheet. "Would you like to view the ultrasound or hear the heartbeat?” No, thank you! They called me back to the ultrasound room. I began questioning myself even harder. I had my legs; I could run until I was absolutely sure. Somehow, I made myself sit! I went to the ultrasound room and a quick two second bop to the tummy was all I got. I felt stressed. I told the ultrasound tech, "if the baby is over ten weeks, please tell me.” I knew it was moving around at nine or ten weeks. She replied, "no, you aren't quite close to that!" I felt a little relief, but I knew she couldn't have measured the crown to rump ratio that quickly! Off I went, back into the sea of women. I wouldn't talk to my friend. I just sat there in deep thought. Next was the counselor and my nerves were wearing on me. I finally asked the woman, "what's my baby's gestational age?" She replied, "your products of conception are 8 weeks 3 days.” "Yeah right,” I thought. I got dressed into my gown, hair cap, footies and laid there. I held up my phone and then I took a picture of my tummy, since I hadn't gotten one of my baby. I had stopped eating at midnight the night before and it was nearing seven I clock in the evening. I began complaining. I was so nervous and really feeling guilty. I ran to our and cried for comfort. The nurse was very rude to me. No sympathy at all. These other girls were like cattle! Not even a [sign of emotion]! Maybe I was scared because I knew the full extent of what I was doing and for whatever reason, my legs did not carry me out. Finally, I was called back. The room was cold. I could see the tools; I knew what each piece did. As the anesthesiologist walked to my IV, my pulse was a staggering 168 bpm. I couldn't imagine what the baby's would've been. :(. Crying and scared, I wanted to stop. I considered letting them keep the money and just leaving! I just kept talking about how wrong it was. "Legs in the stirrups, please.” That's all I got. So I put them in there. As I watched the anesthesia go in and it hit my body, I said, "I'm a bad person.” Then, "ouch, that burnnnns........". Then I awoke in the other room. I was high. Nausea was immediately gone. They stood the girl up, in the bed next to me, and blood just pooled around her feet. It was too much. I went from laughing to crying. The nurse helped me to get dressed. I wasn't bleeding at all. I actually felt great compared to how I felt when I was still pregnant. The nurse marched them out one by one telling them "everything went great.” She gave them a bottle of doxycycline and shipped them out. When I went to her table, she didn't mention that everything went as planned. She just gave me a script and sent me out. I just wanted to be out of there. I cried on the drive back. I fell asleep after I popped two Xanax. I hadn't popped one pill during my pregnancy and I always shielded my tummy to protect it even tho I knew I didn't want it. My maternal instincts were there, but my mind had played a sick trick on me. So I started bleeding heavily after three days. It was major bleeding. I was too ashamed to go to the doctor. I had clots bigger than my hands. I knew something was wrong. I still wasn't admitting to an abortion. After about four weeks past, and the bleeding was still quite heavy, I bought a pregnancy test which tested positive. I looked it up on the internet; it said that was normal. Some people have positive tests for six weeks. I had not scheduled a follow up with my doctor, so I figured I had better do that despite my shame, pain and guilt. I had to wait four more days. The next day, I was hurting. I had no Midol left so I ran to Walmart. I bumped into a friend of mine who said, "geez, are you okay? You look white as a ghost!" I just redirected myself around him and went straight to the painkillers. I began having contractions. I immediately related them with my daughter’s birth. My uterus was contracting, and I needed to get home immediately! So I got home and ran for the toilet, and I felt a mass fall out of me and hit the water. It was disturbing. I knew whatever it was, I couldn't flush it because first of all, it wouldn't flush and secondly, I had to know what it was. I got it out. I was horrified. To my absolute horror, it was my little baby and it was FULLY intact. I could see fingers, I could see elbows, I could see everything :(. I was all alone in the bathroom crying and nobody knew why. As horrifying as this is, I took a picture of the baby. Let me tell you, those pro-lifers don't lie. My supposed 8 week, 3 day fetus had it all. I wanted to bury it but I was so afraid I'd get caught. I just disposed of it in the heat of my fear. The final resting place is awful, but what's truly dreadful is that I love one child more than my own life, yet I killed my other. Baby would've been born in June 2013. I told the child's father. He thinks I lied. He's a disgusting person too, worse than me. He wasn't phased by it at all. He told me his ex-girlfriend had at least 7 abortions, and it didn't phase either one of them. I went from hating the guy to feeling massive regret. In my sick mind, I wanted him to get me pregnant again, and I swore I would keep it this time. He treated me as absolute trash! I ended up being so clingy and begging for his attention. In the end, he was absolutely disgusted by me. My oh my how the worm can turn. Now I'm absolutely broken, almost one year later :(. I don't know how I will feel a year from now, but I know that a week after the abortion, I found myself on imnotsorry.net. A year later, I'm very sorry. I feel like seeing and holding my dead baby was indeed my karma.
Location: Atlanta, GA
Date: October 29, 2013
It was June 2006 when I found out my girlfriend at the time was pregnant. That was the happiest day of my life. I told my co-workers, family, and friends I was gonna be a father. We got a book of baby names and came up with a name. We went window shopping for baby stuff just to estimate the cost. We did not have a lot of money, but my family was willing to help us. I went to look for a second job. After two weeks passed, I was not able to find a second job, which my girlfriend did not like. During the week of July 4th, she threatened to get an abortion if I did not have another job that week. Needless to say, I did not get another job. I begged her not to get the abortion, which she agreed to. That weekend, on a Saturday, she woke me up and said she was not feeling good. Her friend gave us a ride to the "doctor." When we arrived, I did not see a hospital. She told me then that she was getting the abortion, and she lied because if she really told me what her plans were, I would not go. I begged and pleaded with her not to do it, but she ignored me and went through it. Weeks passed and we did not speak. Finally, I asked her why she got the abortion. She told me she had a dream that the baby was born with no arms or legs. That hurt me. Two days later we went our separate ways.
Location: Atlanta, GA
Date: October 26, 2013
I miss my unborn baby every day. I drink excessively just to not feel the pain. It happened on October 11, 2013. I did not want to go through with it, but I was stuck in a horrible relationship where my boyfriend had no qualifications or a career. We still wanted to keep the baby, but he was not very supportive.... I begged him to please be there for me and the child. He refused and said he does not want to be with me but will still support the child. He left me two months pregnant on my own, and I was having anxiety and depression problems. I made the decision to abort the child and informed him about it. He just shrugged his shoulders and shouted, "get rid of it then." I cried so much before the procedure began, and all I remember was waking up in a different room, aware that my baby was gone. I burst into tears and two nurses had to calm me down. A day later, my ex boyfriend tried to get into contact with me after not speaking to me for days, and asked me if I was keeping the baby. We got into a huge argument because I told him I had an abortion and he too, started crying. He kept blaming me. I felt on the verge of suicide. I told him it was both of our decision because I would not have gone through with it if he didn't want me to. Even now, he is still blaming me and won't answer any of my calls or texts. :(
Date: October 19, 2013
I had an abortion at 15, and I regret it. I was late, had cravings, was overly emotional, had cramping, felt nausea, and at times was sick—so I told my friend I needed a test. We went and took one that night. It came back positive; tears ran down my face.
How could I bring this child into the world? What would I tell mum? How would my boyfriend react? What will people think? She told me to relax, and it would be sorted. We went back to the chemist and told the lady. She wasn't very helpful, so we took another test in case, and it too came back positive. When we got home, my friend called my boyfriend because I was worried. She asked him questions, but didn't say anything about the situation. I spent that night crying and thinking. The next day, we had our sports carnival. I was talking to my boyfriend, and I said that we had to have a serious talk when I saw him that night. He guessed it straight away. That night, we had a talk, but I cried the whole way through it. He promised me we'd sort it out, and we did. I couldn't tell my mum because she would be so disappointed, so I asked my dad—who I don't talk to—to consent to the abortion, and he said he would. The next week, we had an appointment with a doctor to get a referral, then 5 days later, we went to the clinic. I brought my friend, boyfriend and dad. My boyfriend and I decided to name her. He said to me: "choose a name for a boy and one for a girl." And I told him I already knew it was a girl. He asked how, and I told him I dreamt it. He then started to get emotional because she's "daddy's little girl."
I told him her first name was Ruby, and that she'd take his last name. He then chose Grace as her middle name. It was beautiful. Ruby Grace. I miss you. If I could take back time, I'd think more. Losing you was the worst decision I ever made.
It was five weeks later, and I still remember the day as if it were yesterday. Waking up in the morning nervous, me and my friend got ready. And I gave mum a kiss, and walked out the door. We walked to the bus stop and met my boyfriend. It was a full bus, but I cried all the way to the station. We waited at the station and dad picked us up and took us to a shop near the clinic. I couldn't eat or drink that day, and it was killing me. I was so hungry, and my cravings were tempting me. After I went to the bathroom, we got back in the car and went to the clinic. Shaking, I got out of the car, and got to the clinic two minutes later. Dad talked to them while we waited outside, and I paced up and down outside, asking myself if it's what I wanted. I cried. Thirty minutes later, we went inside to the waiting room. I'd been to the bathroom about 5 times in 40 minutes. They called my name, and I felt a knot in my throat. I got up shaking and looked back at my boyfriend. He stood up, but then he didn't come. I saw his eyes get watery. We went to the first nurse, and she asked questions. She laid me down and did the ultrasound; I lay there crying. I asked if she could see her, and she looked at me and said, "how do you know it's a girl?" And I said I dreamt of her. I closed my eyes, she looked at my dad, and he was mouthing her something, and she said to me, "You're 8 weeks." I cried more and got up. I could've sworn I was more than 8 weeks. I sat down, and she explained it was too far into it for the pill and that I had to have surgery. I asked how long I'd have to stay after the surgery, and she said I could leave straight away if I felt OK. She gave me tablets for after and put me in the doctors room. He talked me through what was going to happen, when to take the tablet, how long the procedure will be, and what to expect. I was then moved to a waiting room.
They were putting me under twilight anesthetic. I sat there holding my stomach, crying and looking at food magazines—I was just so hungry. At that point, I knew I didn't want to do it. After about 10 minutes, I was called into another doctor's office. He talked in more detail about what was going to happen, how long I'd have to stay after the procedure, what I would feel in depth, and answered questions. And then they put me back into the private waiting room. I sat there holding my baby girl and crying gently. Thinking about how in an hour she'll be gone. I looked to my dad and said, "I don't know if I want to do this anymore. Ruby's mine." He told me I had to; it was just my emotions. Then a nice nurse came to get me. She told dad it was time to leave. I asked for my boyfriend so that he could say goodbye to her, but he said no. I felt tears building up, but I just breathed. And the nurse let him out and took my hand. She took me to a room where there was a bed. She handed me a skirt and told me to keep my top on, but to take my leggings and underwear off. She took my spare pair of underwear with my toiletry item. I sat on the bed and cried; she sat on the bed and put her arm around me. She gave me tissues and said, "Come on, darling, lets do this now," and smiled at me. She got out, and I slowly did what she said. I was shaking and crying, but I did it. I stood there, held my belly and whispered, "I'm sorry, Ruby, I love you so much, and I'm sure daddy loves you just as much. Ill be with you very soon. Im sorry." The nurse came in just as I was tying the skirt up; she handed me a tissue. I dried my tears, took my jewelry off, and she took me to a very bright room. I felt my heart drop.
I walked into the room and there was a bed in the middle, a nurse, and what I thought was two doctors. The nurse that was already in there didn't make too much contact with me. My nurse told me they couldn't because they had to stay focused. My nurse told me the man at the foot of the bed was the doctor. The man at the top of the bed was the anesthetist, and the other nurse was to help the doctor. I took a deep breath and climbed onto the bed. I was shaking like crazy but held my stomach tightly. I turned to my nurse and asked if she'd stay with me and she said yes. I broke down straight away. My nurse clenched my wrist and told me it'll be OK, "it'll be over soon," but I kept crying. They put the peg on my finger, but my nurse still held my wrist. When the anesthetist came and told me to extend my arm onto the black cushion, I started to get worse. My tears got stronger, and I was asking them not to do it. He tightened the band around my arm to find a vein. When the doctor's nurse saw me getting worse, she came up from the foot of the bed and grabbed my hand with one of her hands and put her hand on my forehead looking into my eyes and whispered something to me. I cried more as he started injecting the anesthesia. I got worse, and I said, "I don't want to do this, please don't." And my nurse looked at the doctor, and they looked away from her. My nurse looked at me and said, "I'll be with you through the whole thing and when you wake up." She wiped the hair from my face and kissed my forehead. I still had the tissue in my right hand, and my nurse had my right wrist, while the doctor's nurse had my left wrist. My nurse looked at me, and her eyes got glassy. She said, "You'll be OK." I kept sobbing and looked up at the roof. I felt myself getting dizzy, and I kept saying, "I want my baby, don't do this!" And I got louder and louder. I started feeling myself go, and my last words were, "I love you, Ruby. I'm sorry."
The nurse woke me up in a bed after what felt like three hours, but was only 15 minutes. I burst into tears straight away, and she said she'd get my dad for me, but her voice was breaking and shaky. Dad came in with my friend almost straight away, and I just lay there crying. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Dad sat at the foot of the bed and my friend next to my bed. My friend said she'd get my boyfriend for me, and she left. When my boyfriend came in, he started crying straight away. He sat down on the chair next to my bed, grabbed my right hand, put it to his head and started crying. And then I remember thinking that my tissues must've fallen. The nurse came in and said I had to eat and drink before I left. She brought in a donut and a glass of water. I sat up and ate and drink. I looked down on the right side of me and saw the tissue on the bed and just cried. After I finished, I looked at my nurse and said, "Can I please leave?" She asked if I felt OK, and I said yes. She called my friend back in my room and all 4 of them were in the room. I slowly got out of bed, and when I looked down, I realised I only had my underwear on. They helped me get dressed and ready to leave, then dad brought the car closer to the door, and they helped me to the car. I closed my eyes and rested my head on the car door. Dad brought us to the city, but I couldn't walk properly, I felt like I was going to be sick. Dad ended up just taking me home. My friend unlocked the door, and my boyfriend carried me upstairs and I just laid in bed and cried and buried my head into my pillow.
My boyfriend and friend hadn't eaten so they were going to walk to Hungry Jacks and leave me in bed, but I didn't want to. I got up and went with them. It was a slow walk, but I got there. We ordered food and sat down. I was not hungry at all. I unwrapped my food, looked at it and cried again. It felt like all I could do was cry; I had no desire to eat. My boyfriend's friend came and we just sat there. I really didn't want to see or talk to anyone. I made a mistake. If I could take back time, I would've done things different. I would've kept Ruby. I would've told mum even though shed be disappointed and kick me out. I killed my own baby, and I loved her so much. I still do. I'll never forgive myself for that. A week ago, I found out I had actually been 10 weeks pregnant, almost into me second trimester. My dad made them tell me I was 8 weeks, not 10. I will never forgive him, ever. I love you more than anything, my baby. Mummy loves you. Sleep well my darling. R.I.P. Ruby Grace.
Date: September 24, 2013
I'd never imagined having an abortion myself, yet I've advocated a woman's right to chose. I always claimed that "I'm pro-choice, but I would never be able to do it." It's very easy to judge when you're not in the situation. I found out I was pregnant on August 23, 2013. My boyfriend and I have only been together for six months, and his indifference toward my pregnancy only solidified my choice to abort, even though I wanted to keep my baby. I made a snap decision and scheduled my surgical abortion within less than 24 hours. It was only after the procedure, and a hard night of drinking, that my boyfriend explained he had hoped I was going to keep it. I regret what I did, not because of what my boyfriend told me, but because I wanted to keep my baby in first place. This post has nothing to do with pro-life/pro-choice, but rather it's a warning to follow what you really want...
Location: New Jersey
Date: September 20, 2013
It's been 3 years since (my abortion) and time is yet to heal the wound in my heart. I never met that little baby, but I miss him/her so much. I truly wish I kept the baby and don't know how to ever forgive myself for what I did to my unborn child.
Location: Nairobi, Kenya
Date: September 16, 2013
I had an abortion three weeks after my 19th birthday. I had a lot of reasons for going through with the process, mainly because I was young and scared. I deeply wanted to keep the child, but with all of the circumstances I was going through at the time, I thought that it was best to abort it; I couldn't be more wrong. I wish I could say that it gets easier with time, but it doesn't. The pain and regret that I feel intensifies day by day, to the point where I am now numb. I only wish that I gave my child life; I can't believe that I was so selfish and took away my baby's life. I have to live with my decision for the rest of my life, not including the day-to-day struggle of trying to forgive myself.
Date: August 7, 2013
I became pregnant the summer after I graduated high school. The father of this child, and subsequent ones as well, is the love of my life. However, I didn't realize that then. I had abortions for the following reasons: primarily, I did NOT want to be pregnant before married, also, we used to smoke pot and, in my naive mind, I thought the baby would be deformed because of it , AND, because I thought my dad would freak. I went on to marry a wonderful man (almost 30 years now); we have 2 grown children, but the "love of my life" is STILL the love of my life. And always will be. I don't know how many pregnancies/abortions I had with him. Several. I thought nothing of it at the time (late 70's) BUT IT SICKENS ME NOW. I can barely function lately, thinking about what I did. I SO regret every one of them... all these years later I am filled with regrets because I've always loved the father, and I would give anything to have our children.
Date: August 5, 2013
I knew better. I was raised in a Christian home, was taught abortion was atrocious and at a young age, I knew it was. I was with someone I knew I had no intention of being with longer than the summer. I found out I was pregnant at 19 years old. Me? I couldn't possibly have his baby! I didn't love him. I still lived at home and was moving in three weeks; my parents were going to kill me! I went out with friends the night I found out, and tried to drink the positive test right out of me. The next morning, it felt like a dream, but I was still pregnant. I told him I had no intention of having his baby. I made my decision that day. I had to "take care of it." I had a friend make the appointment because I couldn't even say the words. I had three long weeks before my appointment, and I cried every day until the morning of. My stomach was in knots and my heart was pounding the entire 45 minute drive to the clinic. In the room, there was a nurse who performed an ultrasound on me. I asked her what the baby looks like at 7 weeks, she specifically said "If I were to show you the picture, you would change your mind, and I'm not allowed to." I remember waking up after the procedure and being completely and utterly devastated. I screamed and cried "what did I do!?" It was done. I was discharged in to the care of my friend and the entire drive home I cried. I didn't want to leave my room for days. I hid under the covers, disgusted with myself. That disgust lingered with me for years.
I was in and out of several relationships after that. Three years later, it happened, again. I was with someone I knew I shouldn't be with, and I was pregnant. I had another abortion. This time I was awake during the whole thing. My headphones were in my ears and I stared at the ceiling, and cried. How could I do this again? I was a horrible, irresponsible, selfish girl.
Shortly thereafter, I reconnected with a man I dated a couple years back. We dated, and I told him everything. I was a disaster; once again I tried to drink away the pain of living with what I had done. I drank as often as I could, because the more I drank the less it hurt. I would rage at him any chance I got, just to relieve the pent up aggression I had towards myself. I begged God for forgiveness, over and over again. If God forgives, why was there no relief from this hell I was experiencing? God forgave me, He had forgiven me the first time I repented. I didn't forgive me.
The man I dated is now my husband, and we have two beautiful children together. In March, I gave my life to Christ. He has been my rock in my healing process. I don't need alcohol to take my pain away, I need Him, and only Him. I believe the choices I made happened so that I may speak out against abortion. I will soon be joining an abortion ministry so that I may help in any way that I can, save a child's life.
Location: San Diego, CA
Date: July 29, 2013
I had [an abortion] when I was 17, and let me tell you, IT IS NOT JUST A PIECE OF TISSUE!
It all started when I became sexually active and began thinking about having a baby—so I would have someone to love. I slept with three different guys in a one month period. One month later, I found out I was pregnant. I was scared beyond description. I had been taking pills and drinking, so I was fearful that the baby would be deformed. One of the guys I had been with was of a different race, so i didn't know if the baby would look like me. And my mother was extremely overbearing, thus making the situation even more stressful. I don't remember how, but I told my mother and she began to give me options:
Option 1: Have and keep the baby, but do EVERYTHING EXACTLY the way mom says.
Option 2: Have and give the baby to my mom, thereby having to face this "mistake" for the rest of my life.
Option 3: Have an abortion.
Option three was given much support from my stepmother who had, unbeknownst to me, had several of these little "procedures." My mother was doing the best she knew how. She educated me and took me to a counselor who had previously been counseling me for bulimia. We went over the options together, (but) we didn't discuss the morality of them to any great degree. Eventually, I made the CHOICE to have an Abortion, a simple end to my problem, right? WRONG!
The day came. It was early in the morning. We drove to the abortion clinic, passing billboards of fetuses in the womb. We arrived at the driveway. My mom told me to cover my eyes and lay the seat back. I still could see the picketers outside of the brick building. I could hear their shouts. They just seemed like obstacles to me, fanatics even. I saw their signs—more PICTURES OF fetuses—in the air. I could see the door of the building. A very pregnant, Spanish woman was going in, but, wait, wasn't this just for people like me—barely pregnant people?! The next memory I have is being at the front desk, signing in and looking at pictures on the walls. There was Oprah's smiling sweet face. If Oprah endorsed abortion, it has to be OK, right? There was a letter from her under her photo. Then, it was time for me to go into room number one. In room one, all the women who were there for abortions waited, took a Valium, and basically mingled and got to know each other. I remember a few of the women there with me—another teen girl. She looked to me for comfort. Her boyfriend and mother were pushing her to have an abortion, but she didn't want to. I comforted her, and told her it'd be okay. It wouldn't be that bad. The next girl said she had been there a year ago for the same procedure and she swore up and down she'd never do it again. This supports the fact that most women who have abortions end up pregnant again within a year—trying to replace the loss of their baby. The last woman I remember was in her 40's and had 4 or 5 kids already. She said she just couldn't handle another one.
The nurse came in and called the 40-year-old lady in. A few minutes went by, and the door opened again. My turn. I went to room number two, lay down with my feet in the stirrups, and tried to relax. The nurse held my hand. Madonna's song, "This used to be my playground," came on. I still remember the doctor feeling my pelvis. "She's 10 weeks." I thought I was only 8. Then came the vacuum—the awful vacuum. They dilated my cervix with a clamp or two and then came the vacuum. I heard my baby's life end. I felt cold and nauseated. I teared up—immediately realizing what I had CHOSEN to do—murder. The nurse helped me off of the table and showed me where room number three was—the bathroom, to get my clothes back on and put on a pad. I shook all over, shook so hard I could hardly get dressed. Then I opened the door. There was the teenaged girl I had previously been trying to console. She said, smiling, "it wasn't so bad, was it?" And I fell to freaking pieces! A look of shock now resided on her face. I started crying loudly, and the nurse came, whooshing me away from her into room number four—a room full of recliners and hot tea, soft music, low lighting. The 40-year-old was already there, vomiting in a waste basket, seated on the recliner next to mine, her knees covered in a blanket.
THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED.
I WAS TOLD NOT TO MOURN—IT WAS JUST TISSUE. She wasn't. She was my daughter.
Location: Bradenton, FL
Date: July 4, 2013
When I was a senior in high school, I had a abortion—not by my will but by my parents. After I had the abortion, I had so much guilt and shame. I never talked about it. I left my family's home six months after the abortion. I couldn't stand my parents or to be in the same room with my parents. I never even ate dinner with them. I ate in my bedroom with the door locked. I went to church as a child, but salvation was never mentioned in the church, so my parents were not saved and neither was I. I didn't get saved until I was 37 years old. I started using drugs and selling my body to get the money for the drugs after my abortion. I couldn't stand not to be high because the pain and the nightmares of the abortion was so bad. I needed something to numb the pain, so I used drugs and sex. The abortion clinic told me it was a procedure—that the baby was just tissue, that I would go on with my life. That was not true. Don't believe their lies. I suffered deep depression for years due to the abortion. No medication helped. I didn't go to church or have anything to do with God for about 20 years. I felt I was unworthy to be a Christian. How could God love someone like me? I killed a baby. I wondered why didn't God stop it. I held on to this for years. Then I blamed myself. I could have said "no," but I didn't. I was 18 years old. I was legal age. People younger than me have had a baby. Well, I got saved, and I thought everything was finished with the issue of the abortion. I really did. Then I went to a healing service at my church one Sunday. The pastor said for anyone who ever had an abortion to come up front. The first thing I thought was, "Oh no, what are they going to think about me if I confess this horrible sin? Please Lord, I can't do this." I started to panic. I really didn't want to go up front, but the Holy Spirit pushed me out of my chair that Sunday. The pastor also said that Sunday that God told him to preach on past sins. It was Memorial Day weekend. He said to come up even if the abortion took place a long time ago. Right then and there, I knew that God was using my pastor to get my attention. I went up front. I started crying hysterically from no where. I had never done that before. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't even look at the pastor or the lady praying for me in the eyes, because I felt so ashamed and guilty about the abortion. I didn't know I had these emotions inside of me. I went home, and I laid down for a while after church. When I woke up, my heart felt different. It was like 20 pounds was lifted off my heart. It was like the chains of guilt and shame were gone. I felt happy. I have a new heart. I finally have freedom from the past, and I can breath without all that heaviness. I never know I had that much guilt and shame, but I guess I buried it so much inside of me. I didn't know I had it. Six months ago, I would never have told anyone about the abortion because I was so ashamed of it, and I felt guilty about it. Then Jesus told me to start telling people about my abortion because it's my testimony, and I shouldn't be ashamed of it anymore. I have forgiven God, my parents, and myself for the abortion that took place 33 years ago. I held onto this guilt and shame so long. It's the worst thing that has ever happened in my life, and I finally have freedom from it. If you have had an abortion, God can set you free from the guilt and shame that goes along with having a abortion and give you freedom from the past. If you're thinking about an abortion, please don't do it. It will destroy your life. The depression and guilt and shame that goes along with it is awful. It's like you're in your own living hell. The best way I can describe an abortion is this. It's like your soul has been ripped out of your body, and you will never be the same again. And no drugs or sex can fill emptiness inside of you. Only Jesus can. I don't know why that abortion took place, but one thing I do know. If I never would have had that abortion, I [might not] be the Christian I am today. God told me one day in church what my baby's name is. He said his name is Thomas, and he looks just like my daughter, Selicia. Since I have freedom in Christ from the past, God has laid it on my heart to pray for women who have had an abortion, and the aborted babies that have died. It gives me so much pleasure to pray for this. I can feel their pain and sorrow. I feel that God has finally given me a purpose through prayer. My new heart has so much love and peace now. I feel like a new person inside and out. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about Thomas. But I do know he's in heaven with The heavenly Father. God can forgive you of any past sin and give you freedom from your past. You just have to trust in Jesus to give you freedom.
Location: Portland, TN
Date: July 4, 2013
A year ago today, I made a decision that forever changed my life and how I think. In May 2012, I found out that I was given the opportunity to carry a precious baby. I was so happy, but my boyfriend, not so much. We had just moved in together and just started our lives together. The night I told him, the first thing he told me was, "I will pay for the abortion." I told him that's not even an option. I said maybe adoption. I called that next day and made my OB/GYN appointment for 3 weeks l ate. As those weeks passed, my boyfriend and I got closer, talking about what we can do for our baby. We started to buy things like a stroller and portable crib. We were hoping it was a boy. We went to our first appointment. I remember feeling the cold gel the nurse used so we could see our little one and hear him/her. The little heart beat I heard was so fast, going 157 times a minute! We walked out of there with our ultrasounds in hand. As we drove home, my boyfriend mentioned abortion again. We fought and argued about it for another week. Then my mom tells me it would be the right option. Finally, to shut everyone up, against my own wishes, I set up the appointment for the abortion. I didn't want to, but I had family and him telling me I needed to. A week later, we went to the appointment. I remember it like it was yesterday. I walked in and waited for hours. When I went to sign the papers, the counselor asked me if this is what I wanted? I said yes. I lied right there. As I go through all the proper steps, I keep telling myself to turn around and walk out that door.
They called my name clear as day with 7 other girls. They took us into a room and told us to change into the gown and have a seat. The nurse came in with cups of pills for all of us and told us how everything would work. After we took our pills, one by one, they took us to the procedure room. When it was my turn, I laid down on the cold table and put my legs up, crying. I knew this wasn't what I wanted, but I let them think it was what I needed. I could feel everything.
To this day, I regret my decision. I didn't want this. If you make the decision to have a abortion, just make sure it is what you want and not what others want because I cry every day, thinking about how old my little one would be. If I wouldn't have had the abortion, my baby would have been 6 months old this month!
Date: June 28, 2013
Abortion. Even the word is hard to say now. The first time I ever heard of an abortion, I was 14, and a girl at school was doing a paper on the topic. We were asked our opinion and I don’t think I even thought twice before saying it was wrong. I’m Catholic, but that wasn’t the issue; the issue was that it was killing babies, and even though I got where people were coming from, I said I could never do that. I became close friends with the girl that was writing that paper over the course of high school, and when we were 17, she had an abortion. I looked at her differently; I worried about her dying and going to hell. I loved her. she was and still is a good friend, but I didn’t know if I liked her anymore. Over the next couple years, my views on abortion didn’t change. I knew it was wrong. I knew several girls that had abortions and each time, I felt differently about them as people. Sometimes, I understood why they thought it was a good choice, but I still said I could never do that. When I was 19, I got pregnant for the first time. The guy and I had been on and off for years. We were currently really broken up because I found out he was cheating, but we were trying to work it out. I lost the baby at ten weeks and was devastated. I had never been so heartbroken in all my life, and that was the day I knew I wanted to be a mother. When I was 21, I got pregnant again. As soon as I found out, I knew I would lose it. It was something I was afraid of, but ready for and I made an effort not to get attached. I lost that one at five weeks. Both times I had gotten pregnant, it was scary and I really wasn’t sure how I was going to make it work, but one thing was for sure—abortion was not an option.
When I was 25, I got pregnant again. This time I was using birth control and was surprised I got pregnant, but it was my fault. There were a couple times I screwed up the birth control, and that’s when babies happen. I owned my responsibility and was getting ready for the nine months of pregnancy, when I again lost it. At 27, I got pregnant for the fourth time, and I had given up hope at this point. I went to the doctor and had blood drawn as soon as I felt pregnant because I wanted them to keep track of my HCG levels so that if anything was wrong, I would know right away. My second visit there showed my levels had dropped when they should have been doubling every week. The doctor told me I could go home and wait it out and eventually my body would abort the pregnancy on its own, or he could remove it for me. I thought about it and decided I didn’t want to go through another miscarriage in my bathroom, and I got it all taken out that day. I felt badly because I wanted every baby I carried, but I wasn’t able to keep them. I had given up, but secretly was hanging on to the fantasy of being a mother some day.
One day when I was 29, I was driving with my boyfriend, and I just got a feeling I was pregnant again. We used birth control every time so I thought I must have been wrong, but I really felt it. I went home and took a test—two lines. I thought this one felt different, it’s hard to explain, but I thought this one was my chance! Every time but the first, I had pretty much just waited for the blood; I knew they weren’t staying. This one I felt confident about. I went to my boyfriend's to tell him and was so nervous. We were a new couple, I had lost my job the day before I found out I was pregnant, he wasn’t working either, and to top it off, my family was very disapproving of our relationship because he was black. I’m Hispanic and Sicilian; old country has a way of showing up and being ugly. Anyway, I knew he wouldn’t be thrilled, I wasn’t either, but it was a baby, and abortion still wasn’t an option in my world. When I told him, he did not react the way any woman would want the man she loves to react. He told me to get rid of it. He said he would leave me, and that we were too new for a baby. He said that his other children wouldn’t understand (he had three from a previous relationship). He told me flat out he didn’t want it, it was a mistake, and that he wouldn’t have anything to do with it. I was crushed, but I told him that was his choice, and that I wouldn’t kill my baby. I told him I had lost them before and there was no chance I could do it voluntarily. We fought for hours, and I finally decided to just go home. I went to my mom's and told her. I figured she was going to tell me everything would be OK and that I didn’t need him. We are Catholic. I KNEW she wouldn’t tell me to abort it. I was wrong. She told me that I had to go if I was going to have his baby because it would cause problems with my dad. She said that I couldn’t have a baby when I just lost my job, and that she didn’t know where I was going to go if my boyfriend didn’t want us either. She said, “You know what you have to do.” I told her I didn’t want to and that I couldn’t do that, and she just shrugged her shoulders and said she didn’t know what to tell me. She walked out of my room and that was the last we spoke of it. I talked to a few family members about me staying there for a while to get things figured out, and everyone pretty much said they didn’t have room. I talked to my boyfriend about it a few times, and he didn’t bend even a little. I was stuck. I was essentially homeless, I had no job, money, health insurance, family, and now my boyfriend was high tailing it. I felt like I had lost everyone and I couldn’t lose him too. I didn’t think he was wrong in his reasoning, but logic didn’t matter to me—emotion did, my heart did, the fact that I knew this baby was inside of me and that I loved it mattered to me. I was still stuck, and I knew every day that passed my pregnancy was at risk because of my history and that the bay was becoming more and more of a baby. I thought I was ten weeks, I went to the doctor and found out I was five. Looking back I don’t know what I was thinking. I was stupid and scared. I was alone and afraid of having it, afraid of losing it, afraid of losing the roof over my head, afraid of losing my boyfriend. I made the appointment knowing I was wrong. I knew I didn’t want to do this, I knew I was killing my baby, even if at only five weeks, it wasn’t a whole lot to speak of to the doctors and to my boyfriend (or anyone else for that matter). To me, it was my baby and I just wanted him so badly. I didn’t know how I could explain to this little person that no one wanted him, his dad didn’t, his grandparents called him a monster because he was mixed. How do I explain why we live in my car? How could I keep him safe with no roof or food? How could I even stay safe during my pregnancy in my car? I couldn’t believe everyone had turned their backs. I was a coward, and I went into that appointment crying and praying for forgiveness, praying for something to happen to keep me from being able to have it done. Nothing happened and I lied down and let a “doctor” suck my baby out of me.
I have hated myself since that moment:10/9/2012 at 1:15 pm. I say now that I lost my life that day too, but it’s just taking me longer to die. It’s a slow and painful death, and I deserve it. I’ve prayed and begged for forgiveness, I’ve apologized to my baby so many times I can’t count, but none of that matters. It was the biggest mistake of my life, and I made it because I was backed into a corner. I made the biggest decision of my life for other people to be happy. Since then, my boyfriend ended up leaving me because I needed him, and he said he couldn’t be there for me. My grandpa died three months to the day after I killed my baby; my grandpa raised me and was my dad in every way that counts. My world was in pieces because of the abortion and losing my grandpa and my boyfriend just threw his hands up and walked away from me. He just said I was too much now, and that he missed the fun girl I used to be. I needed him because he was the only thing I had left. I didn’t think I was wrong for needing my boyfriend during these times. I talked a lot about the baby, and he knew I was a wreck over it, but he had been clear that he was relieved and even told me he wanted me to feel like I didn’t have a choice. To him, our baby was just a problem and he was happy it was gone. With all this loss and guilt, I lost myself. I had thought about suicide after the abortion because I couldn’t live with myself. I told my boyfriend I wanted to kill myself and that I hated myself. I told my mom too. No one cared, no one understood. When my grandpa died and then my boyfriend left, depression didn’t even begin to cover where I was. I know without having had the abortion, I could have handled the breakup. I loved him very, very much, and I would have been sad to lose him, but I could have taken it better. I think I could have even handled my grandpa leaving me better without still being in a place where I cried everyday over my baby. It got to where I was crying every single day, and sometimes I didn’t even know what about.
When I was younger, I used to cut myself. I know that doesn’t make sense to a lot of people, but for cutters it makes perfect sense. I won’t get into all that here, but since the abortion, I relapsed and cut again for the first time in almost ten years. I started taking pills and drinking, I have pills and booze hidden away at all times. I’m still thinking about suicide every day because I don’t think I deserve to live anymore and because I’m just so very tired of hurting. I don’t know if I’m Catholic anymore because I don’t see how they could want me. I know it goes against the Bible, but I don’t see how God could ever want me back. How could I ever be forgiven? Having the abortion tore apart my foundation, damaged my soul and broke my heart permanently. I would literally give anything to have it to do over again.
I think it’s worth mentioning that no one at the clinic bothered to tell me anything about the abortion (how it would go and the devastation afterwards), they didn’t show me the video that I hear so much about now detailing abortion, they didn’t give me any information about options, they didn’t even tell me it was ‘a bunch of cells’ or just ‘a product of conception’ ( I hear they tell this lie to girls all the time). They just referred to it as ‘the pregnancy.’ They said almost nothing to me at all, just asked if my boyfriend was forcing me to do it. I didn’t respond right away, I looked down and away. I needed her to press the issue, but I just said no. They asked me if I had anyone to help me, and I said no. They knew I had no job and that I didn’t really have a place to live, and still they didn’t offer any help. I was crying the whole time. One lady came over to me and said, “You don’t want to do this do you?” I said, “No I don’t, but I have to.” She just walked away. They did tell me it wasn’t going to hurt, which was a lie. It hurt very much, and I’m not talking about me hurting now; I’m talking about it hurting when it was actually being done. I was flinching in pain and felt everything. It was terrible. The entire thing was and still is terrible. I hope that sharing my story saves someone, the life of one poor innocent baby or one mothers because when you carry regret and shame this deeply, and when you hate yourself as much as I hate myself, you are dead too.
Location: San Jose, CA
Date: June 27, 2013
My story is short, but at least I have lived to tell it! I was a young man and was going through a divorce. My wife and I reunited for a visit before the divorce and had sex. This created a child! A child that I would never see. My wife decided to have an abortion without my knowledge, and I didn't even know about it for a couple of years afterwards. Had I known, things might have turned out differently, I don't know! What I do know is that I hope to meet my child in heaven someday and hold them in my arms, and say I am sorry!
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Date: June 22, 2013
Like many other women who have posted their stories, I regret my abortion with every bone in my body. I was almost 17 when I found out I was pregnant and was not in the best of relationships. My ex was controlling, and from the minute I told him I was pregnant, he made it clear he did not want this baby. He would tell me I looked fat and disgusting and that I couldn't keep a baby because I would be a horrible mother. He made me feel like it was my fault I got pregnant and made me feel guilty about being pregnant. He made it clear that if I kept the baby, he wanted nothing to do with me or our child. I cried all the time and felt so lonely. He made me feel like aborting my baby would be the only way out of my constant sadness. I eventually told my mom who of course was not thrilled about the idea of me being pregnant. She told me the choice was up to me, but I could sense the utter disappointment in her voice, and I hate disappointing my mother or making her sad. So in order to please everyone else, I went ahead and got an abortion. It's the worst thing I've ever done.
At first I felt relieved because I didn't have to put up with the sadness and crying anymore. They say time heals all wounds but that is complete BS. As time went on, I started thinking about it more and more. Now I am with a man I love, who respects me, and is a father to a little boy. He is a great father and every time he talks about his son, it makes me so sad. Sometimes I have so much resentment and I'm so bitter towards him because he has his son, and I don't have my child. We talk about having our own family all the time, and while it makes me happy, it also makes me miserable because it brings back memories. It's almost 4 years later, and I'm right back to where I started: crying and being sad all the time. I wish I never did it. The regret, guilt, shame, and sadness that comes with it can sometimes be too much to bear. I would much rather have had my child and struggle to raise it on my own than to deal with this horrible, never-ending emotional pain. At least children bring joy to your life. Now I'm in college and desperately want to have a baby with my boyfriend, but I know that would be inappropriate because I'm just trying to replace the child I don't have, and it most likely wouldn't solve my problem. I feel like an emotional wreck!!
All I'm saying is if you end up with an unexpected pregnancy and you make the decision to abort, DON'T DO IT!!! If you have ever heard the saying that having a baby is easier than having an abortion, it is true. If I could redo it I would definitely choose my child because this emotional pain is excruciating. And you know what makes me feel even stupider about doing the abortion? My ex gave me a pit bull puppy to "make up" for my baby. I absolutely love my dog, but who in their right mind would think a dog could make up for a baby you were carrying—their baby at that, for 4 months?! Like I've said, I absolutely regret it, and now I'm always crying and feel like I'm missing something. Ladies, I beg you. If you're in a controlling relationship and fall pregnant, take you and your baby and get out quick. You deserve better, and you and your child deserve each other. This is what I wish I did.
Location: New Jersey
Date: June 13, 2013
Date: June 6, 2013
I am writing today because two years after aborting my God given gift, I am once again grieving my one and only son. I got pregnant when I was sixteen years old with twins, and although I was young, there was nothing that would stop me from having my children. And I thank God I did not abort them. They are now three. In August of 2011, I found out I was pregnant. At the time things we not going well with my boyfriend, and I had cheated on him a year before that, and he was still upset. And he was cheating on my during our entire relationship. He even got a girl pregnant many times. Through looking on his phone, I discovered this girl got 7 abortions for him. He even cried to me about the abortions she got. I thought I would never stoop to this level. I moved out with my children and decided to go back to school. The baby's father begged me to get an abortion. He would tell me anything to kill it. Every time I thought about killing it, I cried and had anxiety attacks. I did my research on abortion and saw pictures of how they did it and everything. My sister also found out and also told me to kill it. With absolutely no support, I gave up. On November 11, 2011, just two days before my daughters birthday, I aborted my one and only son. I was over 20 weeks pregnant. The baby's father drove me there, and the whole way there I cried, and he didn't care at all. He yelled at me to give him the directions and said nothing more. When I arrived at the abortion clinic, they took me into a room where the woman explained to me that I had 4 more weeks to make a decision, and I still said yes. They told me that because I had a previous C-Section, they may not be able to do it, because the placenta may be attached. Ao they did an ultrasound. I prayed to God as I laid down on that bed and saw my child on that screen that he would protect him. But the doctor said we could still go through with it, so I did. The abortion was a three-day process because I was so far along. They put sea weed sticks into my vagina, which was very painful, for two days to stretch it. For those two days, my baby kicked and punched, and I still did it. I aborted my child. I became completely depressed as soon as I got home. I cried and said to the father, "my baby is gone; he is not in me, and I don't have him here with me to hold like you usually would when you have a baby." I would party and drink and just cry, but this behavior did not last long. I knew I had two children to take care of so I stopped. I became severely depressed for about 8 months. I didn't know how to be a mother to my daughters anymore, and the father was never home and made this other girl his girlfriend. He would see me cry till my eyes were swollen and never gave two shits. I found it funny because even though all this happened, I graduated college. The father was only 21 at the time, working a job where he made his own hours and made a lot of money so everything would have worked out perfectly if I had him anyway. To make a long story short, the other girl is now pregnant again, with a boy, and through looking at his Facebook messages, he says to her, "I don't want u to kill it u shouldn't do that" and "I feel so bad for you, you know I got you if anything."
I am sad, disappointed in myself. I feel like life is a dream, like why is this even allowed? Abortion should not even be an option! I REGRET MY ABORTION EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE!!!
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Date: April 21, 2013
At age 16, I was married. A few years later I became involved with a married man. We had an affair that produced a daughter, which I passed off as my husband’s child. Our affair lasted 10 years, before my first marriage dissolved and I married this man. During those 10 years I had become pregnant four other times and all four times I aborted them.
It wasn’t long after we married that I became pregnant for the sixth time. Like the others, he pitched a fit and demanded of me that I get rid of this pregnancy too. So, I traveled to Atlanta. I was in my third trimester and Alabama wouldn’t allow an abortion that far along.
I entered the Atlanta abortion clinic. When you go into to these places, all they want to do is get you in and get your money. They sent me in to talk to this lady, and she was supposed to do all of this stuff. However when I met with her, it was the strangest thing. She told me all the things that they would do with my baby. She even showed me where they put the babies after they were aborted. She told me, "don’t do this!" She said, "go back to Alabama and have my baby." That’s what I did. I had a son.
Eventually I knew something was wrong with me. I couldn’t be at peace. There was a constant churning inside of me all the time. I had so much rage that I just wanted to kill everybody. The anger, the rage, and my broken heart were unbearable. Trying to numb my anger and pain, I kept having other extramarital affairs, but I found no satisfaction in a man. I planned my suicide. I wrote letters to each one of my children about how sorry I was for committing suicide and that I loved them, but I just couldn’t take the pain anymore.
But God had a different plan! One day at the library I picked up a free, local Christian magazine. I ran across this article asking, "Do you need healing from your abortions?" There was a telephone number listed, and though I struggled, I called the number.
I am healed and able to forgive myself for murdering my children. I came to know our sweet, precious Savior and learned how amazing it is that He shed His blood for us. He, alone, can take you in His arms and wipe all the stains away.
Location: Millbrook, AL
Date: April 17, 2013
The medical procedure of having an abortion may be over in a matter of a few minutes, but the effects can last a lifetime. You may think you know what I’m about to say, but you don’t know my story. I decided to share it because my heart bleeds for the many, many women, children and families that are affected as a result of having an abortion. It’s far more complex than what you might believe.
My beliefs have changed over time. I want to share my testimony of what I went through as a result of abortion and how my experience changed my perspective on this controversial subject. My reasons for being pro-choice were based largely on fears and ‘what ifs’ of possible scenarios that convinced me I needed an out in case I found myself at some point in my life with an unwanted pregnancy. I understand that this is a very personal situation for every woman that finds herself pondering the question of whether or not to terminate a pregnancy. It is not my intention to offend anyone or cause anyone to feel guilty for choices they may have already carried out; however, if I can help a person to have a different outlook on their situation, perhaps it can save a life.
I do not speak as one who is unfamiliar with the choice of whether or not to abort a pregnancy. I had one myself as a 16 year old, but I can honestly say it was motivated by fear, not faith. I didn’t have the courage to tell my parents, and I knew my step father would react horribly. I was afraid to find out what the result of honesty would bring, and so I kept the secret until I could find a way to terminate the pregnancy. I had no other adults in my life I felt I could trust, and was not really aware of where to look for help or other options in my small town. I had wanted to keep the child and raise it, yet I found myself at a dead end with no apparent solutions. Truthfully, I was too afraid to try. I was terrified and didn’t know what to do, and another woman who had had an abortion told me it was the practical thing to do to insure I had a chance at a decent future. I grasped that little lifeline of hope and believed at the time I was making the right decision. I was so wrong. Had I known then what I know now, I would have absolutely chosen to do something different.
At first, after I had the procedure done, I felt relief. I thought my problem had gone away. What I didn’t count on was the whole host of other problems that kept coming long after it was over. The truth of what I’d done haunted me for years. I lost friends that did not share my same viewpoint on the subject. Others who had pretended to be friends, gossiped and some called me horrible names reminding me of my crime. I even found notes in my school locker calling me a baby killer. I felt like I was made a spectacle of in front of my peers and I was deeply embarrassed. I felt like everyone in my small town knew my sin, and many did. Someone called to anonymously inform my mother of what I had done. Members of my family shamed me when they found out about my secret. Even the doctor left me with a huge guilt trip telling me about how I was going to ‘pay the price.’ Doctors today would probably not say such a thing, but this one did. He was so right. I paid a huge price and had no idea the amount of fall out that one decision would bring.
My life prior to the abortion wasn’t exactly what I would call healthy or happy as my home life was pretty dysfunctional, but afterward it only got worse. My spirit was left broken and battered. I had no remedy for the emotional issues. I tried counseling and all I got was more labels, a host of prescriptions and no real inner healing. I did not know Christ and would not know Him for many more years to come. A broken spirit will cause a person to do things they would not choose if they didn’t suffer from grief and despair. Inwardly I felt like I was falling apart yet because I could not show it openly, I suppressed it. Silent grieving became this tangled web of pain, depression, anger, and conflict. No one warned me that the emotional pain would snowball into bigger and bigger issues. Maybe for some women it doesn't, but for me, it did.The painful effect of all that inward turmoil would bring enormous guilt and regret as I looked for love in wrong relationships, tried to numb my emotions with alcohol and drugs, and the never ending string of bad choices that caused my life to spin out of control for quite a number of years. Somewhere in between all this there was a marriage, the birth of my daughter and a divorce, all completed by the time I was 22. I was a single mother with a two year old, struggling to make ends meet for many years. Life was difficult but not once did I ever regret the birth of my daughter. She was the best thing in my life. I had never felt a love so intense for anyone as I loved her. I felt badly that she went through all that dysfunction with me, but I loved her more than life itself. In the end, I believe it was her love and prayers that saved my life. You see, sometimes we’re the ones to save a child’s life, and sometimes they are there to save ours.
At thirty-two I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior but was no where close to being emotionally healed on the inside. That became a long process of healing one layer at a time. More years passed and I had long forgotten about the pain of my youth. Many years later I re-married, had two young children and at the time God 'suddenly' and unexpectedly showed up, I was 43 years old. Our family had just gone through a long period of financial instability and had relocated to California from Florida. I tell you all this to let you know that it was just an ordinary day when all of a sudden the Lord showed up and decided to deal with all those years of suppressed emotional pain. It was buried so deep I didn't even know it was still there. It was Mother’s Day, 2009, and I received the surprise of my life. My husband and I were getting ready to go to church and as he was in the shower, he heard the Lord speak to him. As we were getting in the car, he told me that the Lord had a word for me. I asked him to share it. My husband began by telling me that he had no particular thoughts about anything as he showered, and that what he heard was certainly not from his own thoughts. He told me he was absolutely clear it was God. I pressed him to tell me, curious what on earth the Lord wanted me to know. Norm said, “The Lord said that your son, who is 28, wanted to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day, to let you know, ‘it’s ok,’ and he will see you again one day.” Well, I really came unglued and I burst into tears. My husband knew that I had had an abortion when I was younger, but I had never gone into much detail about it. So I instantly knew there was no way on earth he could have come up with the age of that child. I had to quickly do the math, and sure enough, the child I had aborted when I was 16 would have been 28 that year. I was stunned. I grieved and grieved and finally let out all the pain I had suppressed for so many years. I cried for two days straight. I grieved over the fact that the child I had written off as dead was still very much alive in heaven. How do you explain that to another person? Nothing sounds like a good reason for why you made the choice to end someone else's life if you have to explain it to them. You see, abortion is something that many women can do in private and think they got away with it, but nothing is actually secret when it comes to the reality of heaven as our witness. Do you have any idea how it feels to be confronted with the fact that you were so selfish that your own comfort and convenience was more important than someone else's life? Try explaining that to the person that just showed up to let you know they were still alive. Neither the Lord nor my son asked for an explanation, but the thoughts went through my mind just the same. No earthly judge or jury convicted me. They didn’t have to. I was very convicted and I felt guilty. Absolutely horrible. I can’t even explain how sick I felt about my own actions all those many years before. You see, you can try to forget, but your spirit knows your guilt and your spirit wants to know your sin is forgiven. I had brushed it under the rug with all those other sins when I accepted Christ as my Savior, but I guess God knew better than I did that I needed to deal with old issues in order to be truly healed from it. He wants to go deep, and He will go as far back as necessary so that we can be made whole. I grieved over the fact that I had never had the consideration to give this child a name or allow him the chance to fulfill his destiny. And yet, I knew he was telling me that he forgave me for that selfish act. Not only did he forgive me, but he wanted me to forgive myself. He wanted me to know that he was ok and someday we would be together again. What a comfort! I can only give hope to other women because of the fact that I am 'in Christ.' I know that because Jesus is my Savior, my sins are truly forgiven. I can offer hope to other women who have done the same thing I did, because even when we do the wrong thing on purpose, God can forgive that sin and make us whole again if we are willing to confess it to the Lord. I can offer hope to other women because I know that without a shadow of doubt that even when a baby's life has ended here on earth, I know with all assurance that they are very much alive in heaven. Aborted babies. miscarried babies, children that have left this earth prematurely are certainly in heaven with Jesus, and if we continue to remain 'in Christ' we have the assurance that we will be reunited with them again; but it doesn't mean that we should use that as a comfort to excuse our own responsibility towards valuing life and taking care to preserve it.
After all the crying, praying and asking God to send a message back to the son I never knew I had, I was finally able to forgive myself. I knew in my heart that was one of the things the Lord wanted me to gain from this encounter, but I believe there is so much more as a witness and a testimony to be shared with others, too. I had been 12 weeks along when I'd had the abortion. No one can tell me that life does not begin at conception. A 12-week old fetus is a human being and has every right to life as much as someone that has already been been born. It is still a child, even if it is not yet completely formed and viable outside of the womb. That child has a mind, is forming thoughts and emotions and has the spirit of life within them. I told the Lord I didn’t know what He called him, but I wanted to finally give him a name after all those years. I named him Justice. I gave him a name that was significant of what I had taken from him. I felt I owed him that. The Bound4Life red tape movement is a silent, peaceful protest that has gained a great deal of attention, advocating prayer to help stop abortion. The red tape signifies the cries of children whose voice has been silenced. But my hope is for women to find places to share their testimonies of why their experiences have changed their perspective on this issue. We need to be a voice for those innocent lives that have their voice taken away from them. Babies enduring the pain of abortion cannot be heard. Justice has a voice. Imagine my surprise as Justice spoke that day on Mother's Day 2009. He used his voice to tell the Lord to give a message to me; a message of forgiveness, healing and hope. And now I offer you, the reader, the same message of forgiveness and mercy from our loving Father. He is very intentional to extend an olive branch of peace and He wants to heal us from our wounds.
I write this to help other women take a new look at their convictions for being pro-choice. Perhaps it is time to look for a new perspective on an old argument. I don’t believe the majority of women who choose abortion do so because they want to; I think they do so out of fear. Fear that they aren’t able to care for that child, fear of becoming a parent or fear of a lot of unanswered questions. Instead of focusing on fear, perhaps you could focus on a whole new set of ‘what ifs.’ Perhaps there is someone reading this right now and you are pondering your options. What if this child has been sent to you because God saw something in you that you can’t see in yourself, something this child will greatly benefit from? What if this is an opportunity to have your heart and life changed forever by the unconditional love of a child? What if this child will someday save you? What if this child in your womb is destined for great works someday in their future? What if this child could only become the person they need to become, are destined to become, only by coming through your womb, and the unique life experiences that can only be attributed to your specific family and circumstances that pertain to your life? What if God chose you to raise this child and trusts you with a job no one else would do quite the same? There are many things to consider. Understandably, not all women conceive a child in love. Some are not given a choice, if a predator makes prey of them. It is a most difficult dilemma to try to decide what to do if a woman finds herself pregnant by someone that she despises or has been used to hurt her. Yet, even in the worst of situations, there is opportunity to look for a different perspective on the issue if a person is willing to yield to God and allow their heart to be changed. Apart from God, yes, many things would seem to be an impossible task. But with God all things become possible. In our weakness God can give us strength to do what we can not do on our own. Perhaps what is viewed as an unwanted pregnancy is an opportunity to change a destiny. To be a life giver instead of one who destroys life. Perhaps what the enemy meant for harm is an opportunity to allow God to turn something bad into a testimony of His goodness. Sometimes the greatest gift of life and blessing comes out of tragedy, darkness and despair. Perhaps you have that opportunity now. I implore you to please consider everything I have shared through my own testimony. You have an opportunity to make a difference in another person’s life. Think of the many people who would embrace the chance to love and nurture a child and give them opportunity to fulfill their God-given right to life and destiny. God can take any mess and turn it into a miracle if He is just given the chance!
We live in a nation that demands our freedoms and takes many of them for granted. The demand for free choice and women’s rights to decide are in the foremost arguments on pro-life or pro-abortion. We have political leaders that will change their convictions on any given moment as long as it helps their political career path and gets them votes for popularity. We live in a society that has given their approval, whether by vote or by silence, that human life is expendable upon our whims as long as it doesn’t inconvenience us. We have become so desensitized to the injustice of the crimes against humanity that we fail to see our own guilt, and the shame and reproach that it brings upon us as a nation. No society, culture or race, and certainly no individual can live as they please without consequence. Political leaders, judges and lawmakers seem willing enough to sell us out to the enemy and give people the lawlessness they demand, but one day each one of us must stand before God and be held accountable to the just Judge in all of heaven and earth. There is no such thing as decisions without consequence. It’s not about what the law permits or even what others might agree with as an acceptable way to deal with a difficult choice. Other nations know us for what we allow, and what we take a stand against. I do not want other nations to know us for our selfishness and lack of conscience. This is about America regaining it’s conscience, to be known as a nation that is compassionate and places value on human life. I am willing to take a stand on the issue even if it’s not the popular decision at the moment. I cannot pretend that the child I aborted sent me that message in vain. There was purpose to it, as a message to be shared with others. Any sin can be forgiven as long as we bring it to Jesus and allow His blood to wash us clean. We can be reunited with children we have aborted, if we will just hold on to Jesus until the day we are sent home. But in the time we have left, someone has to be a voice crying out against injustice. Someone has to speak up on behalf of the children that are being deprived of life and destiny. It is not ours to take. Maybe if we all speak loud enough, together we can change the course of history.
Location: Escondido, CA
Date: April 15, 2013
I live in London and 3 years ago, at the mature age of 29 years old, I had an abortion. I can number several reasons here why it seemed like the best thing to do at the time: financial situation, my boyfriend, my living conditions, complete ignorance of benefits and help, etc, and so I legally looked for help in a termination clinic. I was 3 weeks pregnant at the time, and the appointment was booked for a couple of days later. I didn’t have any physical problems following the procedure, but as soon as it was over, I knew something terrible would happen to me. I knew I rushed into the decision and couldn’t stop thinking what a terrible thing I’ve done. I had the feeling that I was going to be punished for my act and the strong sensation that I had deviated my path in life—as if I had run away from myself and was incapable of finding my way back. Coming from a Catholic family, I started to pray for forgiveness and practice meditation. Two years later, I was starting to feel a little better about myself, but the feeling that something really bad would happen because of the abortion never left my heart and my thoughts. A couple of months ago, I was diagnosed with a very rare type of Cancer on my spine and the first thing that popped into my mind when I received the result was: I have caused this through the abortion. There is no proved medical relation between the abortion and the Cancer, but in my heart I know. I know that it is a consequence of my own action. I’ve been through a surgery and now need radiotherapy. It is a life threatening illness, and I would rather not go through too many details specifically about it. All I want to do is create awareness. Don’t rush into the decision of having an abortion. Look for help, information, think, talk, pray if you believe, meditate if you like, and look for the answers inside yourself. Don’t do what I have done, don’t panic. Things happen at the right time, even if you can’t see right now. Trust yourself. I really wish I had had my baby.
Location: London, UK
Date: April 12, 2013
In 1992 I requested the medical records regarding the death of my first child. She died when I was 17. The news was heartbreaking. In 1970, abortion was illegal, so the state where I lived had exceptions and protocol. I had to go to a psychiatrist to prove that I would be an unfit mother, thus justifying an abortion. Based on his recommendation, the abortion was finalized. My mother arranged everything and explained the conditions to me. I believed I was proven unfit. I agreed to have my baby killed, not really knowing I was killing her. I thought she was just a blob.
In 1974, I did it again. I killed my son. I lived almost in a zombie state during most of high school. I married in 1971, and looking back, I was very immature and dependent on others for everything. I believed anything. I believed I was unfit to have children and was proven to be a an unfit mother. I did wonder how exactly that was determined.
A few days after my birthday, in 1992, I called the psychiatrist. I never forgot his name. I could barely breathe as I spoke; he was retiring and remembered me. I nearly threw up while talking to him. I asked him what actually determined a young girl to be an unfit mother; how did he make that conclusion about me? He was silent. I was silent. He spoke to only ask for my address and offered to send my records. He told me to call him if I need to talk or if I had any questions about my records.
As I read his report, his comments about me were so kind. He recommended further therapy which I never got or knew was recommended. The majority of the four page document was about my mother and her determination to terminate my pregnancy. He mentioned his concern for me and the baby being in the care of my mother, that she would not be a support to me. He concluded that for my age, I was infantile and unrealistically made dependent by my mother. His recommendation was if the pregnancy was to go full term, I would fair better finding a support system outside the home of my mother.
I have never spoken of this to anyone until now. I have forgiven myself. I named my children and think of them often. It was not until I attended a state fair, in 1975, that I realized my children were murdered and felt the pain of being murdered. On a very back wall at the fair were huge pictures of aborted babies in buckets, body parts in metal trays—the shame of it all.
I knew I was making the wrong choice, while flat on my back, thinking I had no choices and waking in a room full of crying women. Then after an hour or so in recovery, I found myself walking out through a lobby full of men smoking and watching TV.
Date: April 8, 2013
At the age of 15, I thought I was in love with this guy from high school. He convinced me to be intimate with him and after our first sexual encounter, I became pregnant. I was terrified. I didn't know how to tell my mother but she somehow already knew. She told me that I could not have this baby so she took me to a clinic. I still remember the smell. I remember laying on that table not really knowing what to expect. I was given some medicine and told to count backwards and the next thing I know I'm in another room "recuperating." I was young, so I didn't ask a lot of questions. I still don't know a lot of the details, but when I think back on it, I know that it was wrong in every way. There's not even an abortion clinic in my area. And because of this abortion (that I desperately tried to talk my mother out of), I can't have children. It breaks my heart every day.
Date: April 7, 2013
I was 19 when I had an abortion. I was in the Army. I was finally so happy after 7 years of being depressed and suicidal. I wanted someone to share my life with. I was dating someone who was abusive, and I didn't tell him I was pregnant. The people I was in the Army with were happy for me. My roommate had gotten pregnant and her whole family was happy for her. I had given the baby a gender so as not to call the baby an "it." I made the mistake of telling my sister-in-law. She told my brother who worked with another brother and my father. The next thing, I knew my family called harassing me, calling me a whore, a tramp, a slut, and a horrible disappointment. Then they called and switched their tactic. In a reversal of psychology, they asked me to come home to NJ, saying we would discuss it as a family; we didn't have to make a decision, we would discuss all options. I was duped. I got off of work at 5 pm and drove the 7 hours to NJ. I didn't have anything to eat during my drive home. I arrived home to a tribunal. One of my brothers, my mother and my father were sitting at the kitchen table. The house was completely dark except for the one light over the kitchen table where they sat. It was about midnight. They refused to allow me to eat (unbeknownst to me they had made an appointment for an abortion). No matter what I said, it was wrong. My brother told me no man would want my child from another man. My father kept saying that my 8-week pregnancy was "nothing, just a clump of cells." My brother said the abortion was no big deal, that his girlfriend had one, and she was fine. I told my family I didn't believe in abortion. They threw my premarital sex in my face. My mother kept crying that I was a huge disappointment. They told me my oldest brother, whom I respected, would not talk to me; he was ashamed of me. They told me that if my grandparents found out, they would have a heart attack. I told them I could put the baby up for adoption and was shot down that no one would want the baby. They only cared about their reputation, since they believed that every girl in my position was a whore. There were no right answers and none of what I said mattered. This tribunal went on for about 3 hours; I was exhausted. I went to bed and every 30 minutes, either my mother, my father, or my brother would open my bedroom door and flip on the light and ask me if I "made my decision." The next morning, I was exhausted from lack of sleep and I was again denied food. I felt totally drained and defeated. I conceded just to get them off my back. They drove me to a clinic in Englewood Cliffs. I remember telling the "doctor" I was killing my baby and he told me to shut up. The medicine they put into my IV burned. I woke up in recovery feeling horrid. The nurse told me that I was not to use tampons, that the blood was not my period. There was a young girl in there, maybe 16. We hugged and cried. My parents and brother never apologized for their actions. Whenever someone would be dealing with the rigors and difficulties of parenthood, or a story would be in the news of a child being abused, my mother's response was, "They should have done something about that. They should have taken care of that"—meaning they should have just aborted that child. As if you have an abortion and just go about your business as usual. I'm 47 now, married with 2 children, ages 21 and 12. We are in the process of adopting a boy who is 13. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my first child. I work in public high school and I see many pregnant teenage girls. When they tell me how happy their families are for them, I thank God for that, and I tell them how truly blessed they are. I believe God works all things for good. So, my takeaway from my abortion experience is this: I can be compassionate and loving to girls and young women who've made a horrible "choice." I can understand where they've been. I can also tell my students (and have) that she isn't the first girl to get pregnant at 16 and she won't be the last. When my daughter was 19 she became pregnant. She was scared and afraid to tell me and her dad. I told her my abortion story and I was able to tell her that we are here for her. My granddaughter turned a year old yesterday!
Date: March 28, 2013
I had an abortion on the 21st of March, 2013. I regretted it before, during and now. I didn't have a say in what I wanted to do. My mother said, "this is what you will do," and as much as my boyfriend and I told her our plans, she would pass them off as "stupid." During that time, I couldn't stop my self from going to extremes to get some memory om my baby, a 13-week, 4-day old who I named Amy. I looked in my medical file and took a picture of the sonogram to have a little piece of her back. But all that dosen't repair the amount of hurt and sorrow that I feel. My boyfriend had so many plans with Amy. Now they are all gone and only bring tears to our eyes. After the abortion, I didn't remember much because I was sedated and probably passed out, but the emptiness inside me grows each and every day. My boyfriend and I will continue to be together although one child will be missing from every single picture we take. Our lives changed the moment I walked into that room and said my name, birthday, and reason. I regret not standing my ground on behalf of my little Amy. Forever in my heart, Amy Elizabeth.
Location: Houston, TX
Date: March 23, 2013
I had an abortion in high school. I didn't know how to explain how I felt or what I was feeling, but it wasn't familiar. Now I explain it as being raped. I took my clothes off, I was put under during the surgery, then I woke up in another bed with my clothes on. Who put my clothes on? Who put me in this bed? What happened during surgery? I was young and didn't ask these questions. I just left the clinic, picked up my medicine, then went to bed. I became very sensitive to pregnancy. I got pregnant from a long-time partner. I knew the moment he was conceived. I wanted to have an abortion, but I couldn't. I wanted to give him up for adoption, but I couldn't. I had a neighbor who volunteered to take him until I could raise him, but I couldn't give him up at all. My partner and I split up, and he took our son. That was in 2004; I still have not seen him. I got pregnant by my husband and I had a miscarriage. I got pregnant again by my husband and due to the strife in my life, I had an abortion. I got pregnant again, and due to the horrible living circumstances, I had an abortion. I got pregnant again and when I went to the abortion clinic, the nurse asked how I realized I was pregnant because it was so early in the pregnancy. I couldn't have that baby. My life was awful, and the child I did have is not in my life. What will he think when I gave him up and had other children? I had another abortion. It didn't matter anyway, it's not even formed into anything. It's like an egg yoke, a blob, no life, nothing. That's the lie I repeatedly told myself. These are the lies I repeatedly told myself, "My life is unknown, my life is awful, I'm aborting it before it becomes life. It's nothing. What will my son think if I have a child after I gave him up to his father?" I was baptized and confirmed into the church. I committed sins, and now I am cleansed. That's another lie. I was having dinner with my husband, in a public restaurant, when a gentleman approached me and said, "you had multiple abortions." The spirits of my children follow me. I imagine these beautiful little people following me around waiting for me to tell them why I cut their life short. I didn't give them a chance to live. I didn't give our lives together a chance. I just cut them out of my body, I cut them out of my life and now they follow me around. I pray for them. I talk to them. I tell them that I'm stupid. I tell them I'm sorry for their lives. I tell them that I love them. I ask for them to forgive me. Please don't have an abortion. There's always another answer.
Date: March 19, 2013
Date: March 16, 2013
I have two children who are 8 & 17. I've also had three abortions. Although I believe it's a personal choice to make for a woman, I don't think enough is explained about the emotional/mental issues that can occur after an abortion, especially in a woman who was not or still is not confident that abortion was the right thing to do but ended up having one. Having the child and raising it isn't easy either. It's a hard, unappreciated "job," literally 24 hours a day for 18 plus years. There just needs to be more education on the reality of both, plus on adoption also (I was adopted as a baby and have had some issues regarding being an adoptee). So obviously, in some situations no answer/decision is the perfect or even good one. So I guess that means to avoid putting yourself in the situation of having to choose one of those. Easier said than done of course, but thats not reality. I regret the abortions I had. I wish I never had to make that decision. I could have/should have avoided it. I don't regret having my children. My circumstances were far from perfect and still could be better even now, but they are my babies, my life purpose through good and bad.
Date: March 6, 2013
I was 17 when I found out I was pregnant. Just after graduating high school. I remember being in complete shock, even though I hadn't been taking birth control. I was so naive; I was one of those girls that thought "it wasn't going to happen to me." I was in absolute denial when I took the pregnancy test. I figured it had to be a fluke, so I went to a health clinic to have a test done. When they confirmed I was pregnant, I had my breakdown. I couldn't stop the tears. I remember the nurse shaking her head and saying, "Only 17." I was terrified of everyone else viewing me in the same way. All I could think about was the disapproval of my family and friends, and being unsuccessful in life because of getting pregnant so young. I was beside myself, and so scared. I really didn't have anyone to talk to about this at the time. I didn't have any relationship with my parents; they were alcoholics and wrapped up in their own life problems. I was turning 18 in a few weeks, and I decided that an abortion was the only choice that I had. I made the appointment, and in the weeks before I just tried to not think about what I was doing, I tried to tell myself that when it was over things would be okay, and I would get my life back on track. I did not research anything, and I didn't talk to anyone about it other than one friend. The day that I went to that clinic will be a vivid memory forever with me. I cried because I didn't want to do it, but I was so scared that I didn't see any other way. I was 7 weeks. I remember just before going through with it, my heart telling me to just run away, to not do this. But I did it anyway.
After the abortion, I became numb. I tried to block it out of my memory for quite a few years. I actually tried to deny that it happened, justify it, and avoid the pain that I buried very deeply. But it would just creep up on me, more and more. I sought out counseling about 5 years after this, and it did give me a chance to grieve, to apologize to my unborn child, and face the permanence of what I had done. I have tried many times to forgive myself for this. Some days are better than others. What I know now is that things would have been okay. I would have had to deal with people talking about it for a while. I would have the disapproval for a while, but that would have faded away. But my decision is something I can never take back. I wish more than anything that I would have had someone to help me see this at the time. I wish I would have sought out support and given myself enough time to see that I still could have gone for what I wanted out of life, it just would have been a little harder, maybe a different path. I do not share my story very often, but I will if it can help someone else realize that in the end, the pain and regret of going through with an abortion is far worse than going through with an unplanned pregnancy. There are other options. I cannot judge anyone who has made the decision to have one, because I know the fear and feeling of helplessness that can lead someone to think it is the only way. But I know that for me personally, no matter how many years pass, this will always be a painful decision that I carry with me, and look back on so regretfully, knowing that I can never take it back.
Date: March 4, 2013
I did not have a good upbringing. My mother suffered with depression and my father did not know how to show love. I suffered through a lot of verbal abuse and neglect. I led a very rebellious life while I was in high school. I craved for attention since I was not getting what was needed at home. I remember counting down the days until I would turn 18, just to not live at home anymore. While I was attending college I met the guy of my dreams. So I thought. He was very good looking, intelligent, and came from a very well to do family. He was my everything. My God. We partied all the time. However, after a few months of going out, he started to hit me. I thought it was wrong, but I still stayed with him. I remember having a huge bruise on my arm. The size of a grapefruit. I had to hide it and I only told a few of my friends. He always promised me he would stop. He would for 6-12 months. Eventually it would start up again. It was a cycle that was never ending. This was when I developed an eating disorder. I started to exercise and weigh myself all the time. My eating disorder was keeping me "strong." After two years of going out with him, I became pregnant. I was 20 years old at the time. All I remember was crying and hating myself for letting this happen. My boyfriend was all in for an abortion, and so was I. I did not want to become fat, and I did not want to stop partying. So, I had an abortion. The process was very painful. However, I felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. That is what Satan was telling me at the time. My boyfriend graduated from college a year after my abortion. I moved to the Milwaukee area with him since that was where he was from. He found a job and I was going to school full-time, taking on a lot of credits. He always found a reason to party. I, on the other hand, was focusing more on school. When I moved, I felt so alone. I did not have any friends because, I was going to a new college. I also felt defeated. He was still hitting me, and I was still relying on my eating disorder to get me through. I went back home a lot to visit with my friends. During that time, I cheated on him. I did not want to be with him anymore. I broke up with him and left all of my "material things" that his parents bought for me and moved back home. I moved back in with my parents. I was moving from a bad situation to another bad situation. During this time I met my husband. It was love at first sight. He treated me with respect, and he would never hit me. I moved to the Rockford area to be with him. We were together for a year and two months and I found out I was pregnant. When I found out, I cried. I told him that I felt the urge to keep the baby. It was not an urge but God. We moved into a house, got married and I had my daughter. What a blessing she is. I could not imagine my life without her. When my daughter was almost two, I wanted to try for another baby. So this time after I took the pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant, I was crying of HAPPINESS! I was 8 months pregnant when my husband's family's business almost burned to the ground. It was a horrible time for him. A month later his dad passed away. My youngest daughter was born a month afterwards. It was very bittersweet. After everything happened, my husband worked very hard to get the business off the ground. I was a "stay at home mom" who was more of a single parent. A year after my father in-law died, I found out that my father had lung cancer and he had 6 months to live. This was during a time in my life that I actually reached out to God. I asked Him for strength and help. My father was on hospice care the last 6 months of his life. I took care of him, and I forgave him. After my father's death, we started going to a Lutheran Church. My girls and I were both baptized. I found that I was reaching out more to God. However, I did not have God in my heart. In 2008 through 2010, my husband's company was making a great deal of money. I started to work for my husband in 2007. During this period of time my husband was going through a lot of ups and downs… he was depressed. Since the company was doing well we spent money like water. It was selfishness, greed, and power. We were going to church on and off. I later found out I was pregnant. I was not planning this, and it was a complete shock. The first thing I thought of was myself. I did not want to give up my job. I did not want to go through being pregnant again. I had an abortion. It was horrible. I cried and cried. I was helpless. After I had the abortion, my husband's company lost a huge account. My husband and I were the verge of divorce, and EVERYTHING was going wrong. God was punishing me for taking away a life. Yes, a life! A life that was put there by God. A little while after that time I met one of my neighbors one house down from me… she planted a seed in my heart. She asked if we wanted to join book club with them and another couple. I was all up for it! During that summer, I noticed a change. God was working on my heart. I stopped cursing, I stopped my selfish greedy acts, and I finally felt at peace. She told me that I had to read the book Redeeming Love. After 5 months, I finally downloaded it onto my Ipad. It changed my life even more. I think that was when I gave God my heart… God gave me the forgiveness that I was asking for all these years. Giving my life to God and having the Holy Spirit in your heart is such a profound feeling. I would always ask, "Why me Lord? Why??" Now I know why. God forgives all who ask for forgiveness. He wants us to come to Him. I was so blinded for so many years. Now I know who is my rock. My life is not PERFECT and God challenges me every day. However, I keep praying and reading my Bible. I want all the women who read my story to know that they are not alone and God will forgive you. You are the one who has to make the first move.
Location: Rockton, IL
Date: February 28, 2013
I'm 19 years old and I had an abortion a little over two weeks ago. I've been dating my boyfriend for five months and am a freshman in college. My mother is probably the most conservative Christian woman in the world, and I used to think I was too. I was always against abortion. I never thought I would ever do something like that until it happened. At first, I was in shock (about the pregnancy), but I never even considered abortion. My boyfriend was supportive, said he wanted me to keep it, but also said that he will be there for me either way. Unfairly, I wanted him to TELL me to keep it. I wanted him to feel more strongly about his decision. I wanted to keep it, but I started to think about how I have literally no money, and my family doesn't either, and the stress I would put on my single mother who has been through enough. I was so afraid and alone and couldn't tell anyone, and I decided to call Planned Parenthood and schedule an appointment, just in case.
I thought I'd just change my mind and not even show up. I was told they only do abortions on Thursday, and the next Thursday would be Valentine's day. I ended up being so confused and rushed and afraid that I went into that clinic on Valentine's day—how ironic. I didn't want to wait another week and have my baby grow even more and then decide not to keep it so I rushed into a choice. The wrong choice. My boyfriend and I missed classes that day and walked about a mile there.
It was sunny every day that month until the day of my abortion. It was so gloomy outside. Right before reaching Planned Parenthood, we passed a church, and the sign on the church said, "Every child has a place in God's plan." I began to cry because I knew in my heart that that was a sign. I knew I was making the wrong choice, but I was so afraid and thought this option would have the least consequences for the people I loved. I figured I'd be the only one to suffer the guilt and regret, while my family and boyfriend could go on with their lives without me ruining it with my immature selfish decision to have sex before marriage.
When I walked into the clinic and signed in, it began to rain heavily. Another sign, we both whispered to each other. My boyfriend and I sat in our chairs studying all of the other girls in there who were also getting abortions. I saw a young girl there with her mother and felt so sorry for her because I could tell it wasn't her choice to kill her child, it was her mother's. And I thought about how my mother, if she knew, would NEVER even consider doing this to me or my baby. When they called my name for the ultrasound I was so nervous. She asked me if I wanted to hear about alternative options to abortion, but when I told her "yes,"she just handed me a pamphlet and continued telling me about how the abortion would go. I was five weeks, six days pregnant and decided to take the abortion pill. If that wasn't an option, I would definitely have never even considered not keeping my baby because the surgical abortion somehow seemed so much worse to me. Either way, it's still taking an innocent life.
When I finally went into the office with the doctor, she said flatly, "if you're sure you want to do this, go ahead and take this pill now" and then gave me further instructions for the four other pills I'd have to take at home the following day. I took it and tried not to think too much into it. The whole day it just felt so surreal. I turned my feelings off for it and I wish I would've LET myself consider the right thing and listened to my heart.
I felt no different, except less nausea the next morning. When it came time to take the four pills that would empty my uterus. I was SO nervous. I took the recommended pain killers and anti-nausea pills, waited 30 minutes and then put those four little pills in my cheeks. It was 5:00. My boyfriend was there with me and neither of us had any idea what was coming next. The pills started to dissolve and I ran to the bathroom and vomited violently for about ten minutes. I locked my boyfriend out of the bathroom and jumped in the shower, I put my hand down there and felt myself start to bleed. After about 3 minutes in the shower I began to feel dizzy and I called out for my boyfriend.
When he walked into the bathroom, I told him I needed to go to a hospital, and he called the emergency hotline number they gave us. While he was on the phone, I saw a bright light, my hearing went completely out, and I passed out on the floor. After a couple minutes I awoke, and my hearing returned. My boyfriend told me they said the on-call wasn't answering but that they'd call back in 30 minutes. They never did, so we called again and were told it's normal and that I'll be okay. I ran into the bedroom and put my heating pad on. It didn't help at all. I was having VIOLENT contractions and the pain medicine did not help whatsoever. For 5-6 hours I laid in bed, dizzy, moaning and screaming in pain while I contracted and bled profusely. Finally, at around midnight I took another nausea pill and another Tylenol and ate some spaghetti and felt a little better but still felt the contractions. I tried to watch a movie but ended up falling asleep.
The next morning, the pain was gone for the most part, but I felt like a different person completely. I felt emotionless. Empty. I couldn't cry, I couldn't talk. I thought I was going to die that night. And I sort of wished that I had. My boyfriend cries about it all the time now, and so do I. I constantly read other people's stories about their regret and it makes me feel less alone. I would be seven weeks and two days today. All I can think about is my baby. What it would have looked like, how I wish I had a big belly with a happy, lively little kicking baby inside of it. I never even wanted kids and now I feel so much like I need to have one, to replace the loss of my first child. I am only 19, and I know that this is going to affect me for the rest of my life. I feel like it ruined me. Someday, when I have a baby, how can I be happy. How can I be the best parent I cab be knowing this was supposed to be my second child. Knowing I knowingly took the life away from their older brother/sister. I was supposed to love and protect my baby, and I took it's chance to live away. The most innocent thing in the world, who deserves to live more than anyone else, dies because its own mother decided "it was best." How could that be best? If it was the right thing to do, why would I feel so empty? I don't think I will ever be okay again. This has totally changed who I am. If anyone is reading this who is considering abortion, let me tell you. It is never too late to change your mind. No matter what you are worried about, money, parents, your goals, YOU CAN DO IT. Pregnancy doesn't mean your life is over, it just means you're taking a different course. God gave you a blessing, appreciate it. The love you will feel for your child once you hold it on your arms will make you happier than anything else you think you'll be "missing out on" by keeping it. If you weren't supposed to have it, God would not have given you something you couldn't handle. Abortion doesn't just destroy your baby, it destroys you. It breaks your spirit, it changes you, and you're better off having an unplanned baby than killing it. The damage will be much greater. I promise.
Date: February 25, 2013
I have replayed the time in my life when I had an abortion so many times in my head. The last 29 years of my life have been spent with remorse and anger so intense, at times, I can't believe it happened. I was 21 and in a committed relationship when I got pregnant. My boyfriend was a true "mama's boy," and there was no way he was going to let me go through with the pregnancy. Ultimately, it was my decision, made in a haze of alcohol that I used in an attempt to pretend it wasn't happening. As I lay on the table waiting for them to administer the anesthesia, I changed my mind. I told the clinic workers that I couldn't go through with it and tried to get up. The next thing I knew, I was waking up with horrible pain, bleeding through pad after pad. I told the woman in the recovery room that I was bleeding more than what she said I should have been, and she told me to get dressed and go home to relax for the rest of the day. About a week later, I had pain so excruciating, that I can only now describe it as labor pain. After phoning the clinic, I was told to put ice on my belly and elevate my feet. Long story short, I began to hemorrhage uncontrollably. My boyfriend phoned the clinic repeatedly throughout the night and each time we were told specifically to NOT seek medical attention. It was normal they said, it happened sometimes. I laid on the floor in a ball for most of the night, getting myself to the toilet every 1/2 hour or so to pass massive blood clots. Several years later, when I was married and seven months pregnant, I began to hemorrhage and nearly lost my daughter. As it turned out, my uterus had been punctured during the abortion. I am not an overly religious person at all. However, I do know that the lives of my three now grown children began when they were conceived. There was not a moment in time when they were not my babies. I wish my choice had not been taken from me all of those years ago.
Date: February 24, 2013
I'm now a mother of three. I suffered the pain of a miscarriage in 2010, and I have been married since 2005. My abortion was well before I met my husband, 14 years ago. I just couldn't provide the father for that baby that I can for my kids today. My boyfriend at the time was a leech, and I knew I couldn't have a baby with him. But not a month goes by that I don't think about the abortion, or the cold winter day I had it done-- two days after my birthday. A birthday does not pass without my thinking of where I was that fateful day. I count the years, as to how old a child I would have today, and wonder how his or her life would be. An abortion stays with you forever, regardless of the reason for having it done. I wish every person could understand, how the weight of abortion is carried around every day for the rest of their life.
Date: February 21, 2013
I never thought that abortion would affect me. I have always been Pro-Life. I am a father of 4 wonderful children from my first marriage. That marriage ended, and I married a friend of mine. She became pregnant. I was so happy; I can still remember the exact spot I was at when she told me over the phone. I wanted to be a dad again. We were poor and money was tight. But I was still excited to be a father.
I went to my wife's work after I got off work to give her flowers. She was not there. They said she had a medical emergency. I wondered why she would not call me. I called every hospital in the two county area but could not find her. That should have been a huge clue to me. I thought about checking out the abortion clinics, but I thought she would never do that to me. I got a text message telling me she was in the ER, and she had miscarried. I was devastated.
Our relationship soured. She became mean and left. I tried everything I could to save our marriage.
After some time of thinking about it, I knew something had happened so I asked her? She would not give me a straight answer. That is when I knew what happened. A few weeks later she confirmed my worst fear. She had murdered my baby in cold blood and lied about it for 6 months.
I am writing this next to paragraph to my baby, I do not know if it was a boy or girl, but I feel it was a boy and I named it Benjamin. Benjamin, I am so sorry I could not protect you… I was so happy I was going to be your father. You will always have a place in my heart. I regret that I did not see the warning signs. I am sorry your mother did not think about the consequences of her actions. February of 2013 is when you were to be born. I wish I could have saved your life.
To those men out there, here are some warning signs (that the mother of your child might be considering abortion). Remember to keep your eyes open and listen carefully to what your woman is saying or doing. 1) Your woman is very concerned about how you are going to be able to take care of the baby. 2) She is concerned about money and how you can afford the baby. 3) She does not want to talk about baby names. 4) When you put your head down to her stomach to talk to the baby, she get angry. 5) When you bring home baby supplies for the new arrival, it is met with a lack of interest.
I cried my eyes out when she told me she had miscarried and her response to me was, "I do not know why you are so upset. You never even knew it." I now am crying my eyes out for my murdered baby.
It is interesting to me that if a woman wants a baby and the man does not, and he hits her in the stomach and causes the baby to die than he can be held accountable, but if the man wants the baby and the woman does not, then there is nothing a man can do to hold her accountable.
Location: Fort Collins, CO
Date: February 21, 2013
This is the first time that I have told my story. I had an abortion on 1/26/2011. I was 15 weeks pregnant and 17 years old. My boyfriend and I had only been together for 6 months. We really wanted to keep it, and I was extremely excited. I knew right away I was pregnant. The day after my missed period, I was so nauseous and sick and tired. I took about 12 pregnancy tests: all positive. I was one month pregnant and we had only been together three months, but we decided to take responsibility. Our baby was supposed to be born the week of our anniversary, July 27. We would have graduated high school, made plans for me for college, and he had a job. I was a cheerleader and had already quit the team, even though the doctor said that I didn't need to because I was in such good shape. I never actually told my mom, she just figured it out. We never told his parents or family, but a few of our friends knew. Although we were fairly young, my boyfriend and I were ready to own up to the consequences of having sex (we always used condoms, but there is always that 1%* and that was our baby). We already had names for a boy and a girl. My mom and grandma took me to the abortion clinic two times, and both times I refused to get an abortion. By the third time, they had mentally worn me down. They called me things like "whore" and "slut" and said things like, "You can't do it… You won't make it… This thing is just a mistake." And I was so shocked because they were both devout Catholics and I attended a Catholic high school. I was, and still am, very devoted to my faith. I was so strong against their ugly words for about a month, listening to the positive things my boyfriend would say. The third time we went down to the clinic, I did the worst thing that anybody could do: I aborted my baby. I fought so hard, and I just gave up. I let them get to me and in my moment of weakness, I did it. I am 20 years old now. Every single day I regret it. I think about how I should have went to his parents, a teacher, a coach, a counselor, another family member, anyone who could have helped me. My boyfriend and I are still together. He was so hurt when it happened, and I really thought he was going to break up with me, but he didn't. The abortion itself was so painful. I will never wish that pain and pressure on anybody. To top it all off, it was anti-abortion and LIFE week at my high school the week after I had the abortion. My teacher went over all the different types of abortions and step-by-step on how they are done. Even right down to the abortion specialist that I went to in my city. All that pain that I felt when the abortion was done, I was feeling all over again. And I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I did nothing but cry for the next few months. Even now, every once in a while, I cry. I would give anything to have my baby back. I prayed to God, and still do. I went to confession and the priest told me, "God forgives you, now you have to forgive yourself." I know God forgives me, but I don't understand how. I am a murderer. I've tried, but I can't come to forgive myself. My boyfriend forgave me, and I don't know how. I think of how old my baby would be. I don't even know if it was a boy of a girl. I think about what the baby shower, nursery, and birth would have been like. Day-to-day things I could've done with my baby; going to the store, a ride in the car, watching TB, making dinner, going to visit friends and family. Every moment of every day I think about my baby being right here. Today is 2/19/2013 and my baby would have been about 1 year and 7 months. Anyone considering having an abortion, don't do it. Even if you don't want it, give it up for adoption. Don't be afraid to ask anyone else for help if no one is supporting your decision to keep your baby. Life is the best gift and miracle.
Location: New Mexico
Date: February 19, 2013
Today while I was browsing 14-week abortion images I came across your site, and here I am writing about my angel baby (who was aborted at) 14 weeks. I saw his cute little hands and C-shape curve and 2 tiny legs, covered in blood in an aluminum tray on April 9, 2007. To this day, I am still hurting for my aborted baby. I wanted it so much, but no one supported me. Being in India and Mumbai, I was working and I asked my friends to support me. My boyfriend thought it was a big mistake having a baby without tying the knot… I never recovered after aborting. I aborted my boy friend from my heart, my few friends from my life, and my life turned to tears. Right now as I am writing to you all, I am crying for my lost baby. I regret in pain and hurt to this day. Five years later, not a day has gone by that I have not missed my baby. At times when I am in pain, I look at my 14-week unborn baby picture, and I have been called crazy for doing that.
Date: February 18, 2013
I was nineteen years old and had just gotten to North Carolina, where I was serving in the Army when I realized I was pregnant. I had broken up with the guy I was seeing and had only been in the Army for about six months. I had no one to turn to (I was one of two females in an all male unit) and my parents were back in Michigan. I wasn't all that close to them anyway. When I called the clinic in Raleigh, the nurse took my information and told me that I'd have to wait three weeks. When I asked her why, she said that if the tissue wasn't big enough, 'they may not get it all.' I didn't tell anyone about my situation. The only ones I would have been able to tell anyway were my superiors, and they were all men. I could only imagine what they would have thought of me. I also selfishly believed that since I was not ready, willing or able to be a parent, no one else could, would, or should raise my child, so adoption was out of the question for me too. For those three weeks, my baby had a bounty on its head. I took a cab there and back to the clinic by myself. I paid the nurse four hundred dollars, and she did an ultrasound to measure how far along I was (eight weeks). She didn't point out the heartbeat, arms or legs; nothing. The doctor didn't tell me anything either, such as the fact that the machine was loud; it sounded like a Shop-Vac. He told me that it would be uncomfortable, but it hurt. I started crying, and the nurse held my hand out of sympathy. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and it felt unnatural too. I cried on the way home. The cab driver didn't say anything to me. He had picked me up in front of the clinic, so I'm sure he knew what I had done. I managed to stuff that day deep into the furthest corner of my mind, and not even think of it for many years. I even went on to have two more kids after it, but I ended up getting married and divorced twice in about twelve years. I had a lot of anger but couldn't figure out why. I realize now that people would tell me in indirect ways that I was a very negative person to be around. I couldn't seem to find much joy in anything. I was born into a family of lapsed Catholics, and I had found the Baptist faith on my own as a young teenager, but at the time of my abortion, I had not been active for quite a few years. I started dating a 'cradle Catholic' and decided to attend RCIA. I also told him of my abortion, and even though he did not dump me like I thought he would, I could tell that he was horrified. It was during that time that I began to see and understand the magnitude of my decision. I received forgiveness from the Church, but I still could not forgive myself. We married, in 2010, and in 2011, I was pregnant. We moved to Florida from North Carolina that year, and as we drove across the Florida line, a huge billboard greeted me that said '18 days after conception, my heart started beating.' It had a picture of an unborn baby on it as well. I almost drove off the road because I had not known that. That was another nudge at my conscience about my abortion. Shortly after I had my youngest son in January of 2012, I found out I was pregnant again about six weeks later, and I miscarried that one in May. Then, I found out I was pregnant for a third time around the 4th of July. I miscarried again in September. Having those two babies taken from me against my will finally broke me, and I began to grieve for them as well as my aborted baby. I attended a Rachel's Vineyard retreat last December, and I was finally able to face the consequences of my abortion, grieve for and acknowledge that baby, and forgive myself. I still have days where I feel shame and anger towards myself, and I probably always will. If I had known then what I know now, there's no way I would have had that abortion. I would have chosen adoption, but I didn't. I have to live with the fact that I took my first child's life. That's not something I'd wish on anyone.
Date: February 12, 2013
There were many reasons why I did it, but most of them seem trivial now—compared to the anger and grief and regret that I feel now. All of those reasons are so hauntingly trivial. Abortion was wrong for me, and I knew it before it was done. But nobody could make me feel that, as I was in the midst of a crisis. I was able to justify it to myself.
October 6, 2012: the day after my mom's birthday. For the past two years, I've been seeing a guy, Drew, who I will call my boyfriend—in my spare time. I say "spare time" because I live with someone else who I'm supposed to be engaged to, but we haven't had a romantic relationship for four years. We have a house together, and our lives are so intertwined that it's just not feasible to simply split. I've tried to break up with him several times, but it doesn't work since neither of us have anywhere to go. I'm cheating (another line I never thought I'd cross), and the time spent with Drew is the most amazing time of my life. He is married with four children, two who are in college, and two who are younger… Shortly after we started seeing each other, I went on birth control. I had a lapse in my prescription, and I had to go back to the doctor for my annual exam to get it refilled... I didn't get my prescription filled in time. I lied and told him I did, because I didn't think anything would happen…
October 21, 2012: I had a split shift at work to allow me to go to ice hockey practice in the middle of the day. In the past week however I hadn't been feeling well, and I decided that I wasn't going to practice, but my boyfriend was going to come over and spend time with me. I had just enough time to jet to Walmart to pickup a 2-pack of pregnancy test… so I took one of the tests. We were texting while he was on his way, and I watched the test as it developed into a plus sign. I didn't know what to think, and I panicked. I wept in my bathroom… I took a picture and sent it to a friend who knew what was going on with me, captioned: "does this look like a plus sign to you?" Her response was, "yes, congratulations." But I didn't know how I was going to tell him. When I stopped texting during my hysteria, he asked if everything was alright. I texted, "no." Five minutes later he was at my door, and I barely composed myself enough to open the door. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him right away that I took a test and I think I'm pregnant. I cried, and while he told me it was going to be alright, I asked him, "how?" We went out to lunch and let it sink in.
October 25, 2012: We made an appointment at the OB's office and had a consultation with the doctor, who explained the changes my body were going to go through, and things I can do about it. She sensed that we were not totally thrilled at the idea of the baby, and she said that while they do not do certain things in their office (abortions), she could recommend us to a place if we chose that. We hadn't made up our minds at that point, and we really just wanted to make sure that I was pregnant. She gave me prenatal vitamins, and I had a blood test, which confirmed the next day that my levels were way above what was required, and that I was indeed pregnant. Other than the previously mentioned physical discomforts, I didn't notice any other signs of the pregnancy. We made an appointment for November 8 for the first ultrasound, and I was shocked to know that I would be able to see something of the baby already!
Given the fact that I was cheating and he was cheating, I probably don't have to explain how termination would be beneficial to me. The person I live with really wants kids, so he would be heartbroken to know that I was having one with someone else, besides the knowledge of having cheated on him. I imagined his reaction, but I don't know what he would have done. I envisioned him destroying our house. I envisioned him punching me, trapping me, calling me names. I envisioned him falling into a puddle of tears and despair. My boyfriend's wife is controlling and vindictive, and after a divorce she would do everything in her power to screw him over, including not letting him see his two younger children. How could I have that guilt over me? Every time I tried to formulate the words I would say to the one I live with, nothing came. I could run it through my head a million times, but if it came down to it, I just could not bring myself to utter the words, "I'm pregnant," to him. Drew and I discussed what we should do. There were no definitive answers.
November 8, 2012: I had to get someone to cover my shift to go to the ultrasound appointment. It was amazing, but I didn't let myself feel it. I saw the little dot on the screen, and the nurse answered our unanswered question (well, probably just my question, since he had been through 4 pregnancies before) She pointed out the fetus and the yolk sac. And then we heard the heartbeat. It was hard to believe that whooshing noise was from the baby that was still so tiny in my uterus. I wanted to cry, but I tensed up like it didn't matter much to me. We didn't say anything, just tightly held hands. the nurse printed a picture for me and we made our next appointment for November 29. He had to pick up something for work at a warehouse, and I went with him. My live-in called while we were there, saying he called my job, but they told him I wasn't there, that I had gone to the doctor. I don't think he believed me but I said I had gotten an emergency appointment because I had a migraine. I then called off work for the rest of the day. before I went home, Drew and I called [an abortion] clinic and made an appointment for November 27. So we had a few weeks to decide what to do, and a plan either way. I was told that I would get a call from the clinic on a certain day for the pre-abortion counseling that they were required by law to do. So that day came, and I waited and waited all day. The doctor finally called around 3 to go over things with me very briefly. He had a foreign accent, and I didn't like the way he was talking to me. But I still had time. While the weeks passed, I had to pee more frequently, like every half hour and the cravings came, and the morning sickness started. I could detect men's cologne minutes after they had walked through an aisle at work. My bra was barely fitting. Tears could start at the snap of a finger. Her presence was becoming more real. We still discussed, made a pros and cons list. One of pros was that we would finally get to be together, and he would get to sleep on a real bed; he has slept on the floor for the past 10 years at home. One of the cons was that I would have to give up playing hockey until next season.
November 27, 2012: I lied to the live-in and told him I had training in another town for work, so he wouldn't call the store looking for me, and he wouldn't be concerned when I didn't get home until late. The (abortion) clinic was an hour away, and when we met at 8:00am it was snowing. The appointment was at 10:00. I thought that I would meet Drew and break down and say that I couldn't have an abortion. And then I thought that I would just entertain him by going in and acting like I tried to do it, but then leave. We solemnly drove there in the snow… We went to a drug store and picked up some Always pads and double-mint gum, both the same shades of green. Then we went to the parking lot of the clinic. We watched a few girls with their girlfriends walk in, and finally, we dragged ourselves from the vehicle. I know it wasn't his first choice, either. I know he was hurting. I know he wanted things to be different. I told myself that if there were protesters there was no way I would go into the building. But there were no protesters. I asked for a sign that I shouldn't do it, but none came. Why weren't my fears about doing it enough? I could have chosen the 29th. I could have gotten up and left at any moment. I asked him while we were in the waiting room if we could go and he said "yes," but neither of us moved, because the alternative seemed just as hard of a path to take.
The clinic seemed very professional. They had their procedures down pat, and they were confidential and efficient. I had to go to different rooms by myself while Drew waited. First was the pee test.Then the blood test. Then the ultrasound. I asked the girls doing the ultrasound what the point of no return was. They kind of laughed and said that they were only going to do an ultrasound in there. I asked to have a picture and they said to let the counselor know, and I did get one later. They said it was 9 weeks, 3 days, and it was exactly that. Only 2 cm big. Then we had the counseling, and I wanted someone to tell me it was going to be okay. I asked the counselor if she had ever had it done, but she wasn't allowed to disclose that kind of information. She said I still had time, if I didn't want to have it done that day. I lied and said that I was ready. My moral contradictions were the thing that was causing me the most grief. I knew it was wrong, but it seemed like the only solution. how would Drew and I tell the other people in our lives that we were having a baby? Work would change for me, along with living situations for both of us. how would we afford it? Money is the main reason that neither of us have split with the others. What would we do with a baby after it was born and we both had to work? How would we sleep with a crying infant? The counselor tried to comfort me by saying that god knew I would choose this, and then I felt angry that I was cornered into some kind of fated destiny by even being there that morning. She didn't know what kind of god I believed in. Heck, I don't even know anymore. I cried, and returned to the waiting room. Then the time came. I peed again before being led into the patient's waiting room. I asked for the extra medication to help me relax, and I sat in a corner.There were two women sitting across the room who had just had it done, with heating pads across their bellies. They didn't appear shaken at all. I was concerned about the physical pain then. The doctor came in, introduced himself, and asked how I was. I didn't really respond, because that seemed like an insensitive way to greet someone who was about to terminate a life. I wanted to scream that I was awful, but thanks for asking. How could I be? The girl that sat next to me answered his greeting cheerily, like it was just a checkup or something. I saw a girl go in and come back five minutes later, unaffected. The medication didn't work. My nerves were even worse. Then a nurse retrieved me at 1:25 pm and told me to take off the bottoms and take a seat under the paper sheet on the table. I did that and while I was waiting for them to come back, I started crying. There was an IV rack sitting in front of me (I was not being put under, it was just in the room), and I noticed a small drop of dried blood on it. Everything had seemed clean before, but then all I could think was that I didn't want part of me or my baby splashed onto medical equipment in the room. The nurse asked if I was ready, and I wanted to put my clothes back on, but again, I lied. I was too far into the process; I didn't want to look like a wuss. When I replay this in my head, THAT is the moment that I should have decided not to go through with it. I should have left. I should have asked for Drew. I should have said no. I should have shook my head no. but before I knew it, I was following instructions. Slide down here, a little further, further yet, place your legs here. The doctor did a physical exam with his hand. He asked me where I worked. I said I didn't want to talk. I was still crying, and they got another person to hold my hand, but I refused. I folded my hands across my stomach. he started doing things without telling me. I didn't want to have to talk, but I wanted to know what was going on. My uterus burned. Then more intensely. It was painful. I was paralyzed by physical pain, but more importantly by mental anguish of what was happening to me. Just a minute longer, then it was done, and the doctor was gone. I struggled to sit up on the table, and I got dizzy. I barely had enough time to tell the nurse I felt like I was going to throw up before I did. I felt like I could stand a few minutes later, and she helped me get dressed. She blotted away a small amount of blood from my leg before pulling my jeans up. I was still all tears, and throughout the waiting room I was the only one crying. Is it true that most women feel relief? How could no one else seem concerned about what was just lost? I instantly regretted it. Five minutes before, I still had a choice. I still had a baby. I remember thinking that I better do something great with my life to have given that up. I wasn't looking to get pregnant, but after it happened, I loved it.
Drew and I spent the rest of the afternoon together. I was instantly thrown into a depression that I'm only now starting to come out of. It's worse for me because I can't go through a grieving process. I can't talk to anyone about it. I confided in a few people but I told them I had a miscarriage; I hate myself for doing it. I see my coworkers and friends who are pregnant, all of them having girls (I think I was having a girl), as far along as I would have been. Everything is a reminder. Oh, I did forget to mention that the abortion was the day after my birthday. She was conceived the day after my mom's birthday, and aborted the day after my birthday. My mom knows nothing about it, nor will she ever. It would break her heart. I'm an only child, and I was conceived after a one-night stand, and she chose to keep me. I feel like a coward. I feel selfish. I feel like I made a sacrifice for people who can never know it. I feel like I can never go back to who I was before. I feel like I don't deserve happiness. In time, it will get better, and I will be able to forgive myself on some level. But abortion isn't the answer to the problem. It will never go away. I know that it was the wrong choice, and the funny thing is that I wish I could go back to before the abortion, not to before getting pregnant. This is the toughest lesson I could ever learn. When I was still unsure of what we were going to do, I looked at so many people's testimonials, but mostly I focused on the physical pain and complications, which were nothing to the suffering I now endure. I didn't really think it would affect me this much emotionally. But I couldn't have known without going through it. All I know now is that I would give anything to go back, to make a different choice, to get to know our daughter.
Date: February 11, 2013
I was 22 when I was surprised with an unplanned pregnancy. I was not married to the child's father nor was I financially stable enough to raise a child. I called and made an appointment for an abortion the day after my pregnancy was confirmed. The day I was supposed to get the abortion would end up being the weirdest day of my life. My best friend drove me to the clinic. I sat in the waiting area and filled out some necessary paperwork. I couldn't help but look around at all the faces. Was this their first abortion? Were they feeling as guilty as I did at that moment? My name was called; I was given a quick ultrasound. "Yep, you're pregnant; 8 weeks along." She snatched the ultrasound picture off the machine, and down the hallway I went. The next step was getting my blood taken. They examined my blood and told me my blood type was O negative, so I would require a special shot that would be an extra $60 on top of the $400 I was already going to owe. The nurses were talking and giggling amongst themselves. I was in a fog. One of them explained that if I didn't have the shot I would never be able to have children again. Another one spoke up and said, "If you don't want the shot you don't have to take it, but you will never be able to reproduce again." She hardly had time to finish her sentence, and I knew abortion wasn't for me. I felt like I was going to faint. I stormed out of the office and hardly made it to the front steps of the building. My friend followed behind me and asked me what was going on. I explained to her, and as soon as I could catch my breath from all the shock I was in we left. I have never looked back and never regretted my decision. My son is three today, and he's lying in bed beside me as I type this. Being a mother Is one of the greatest gifts. I'm glad I listened to that voice that only I can hear.
Location: Spring Lake, NC
Date: May 9, 2014
My story began a long time ago, but I'll start with what happened today. I had booked an appointment to get an abortion. I knew that having one would have been the easiest route in continuing with my life. I had no support from the sperm donor, as he had another family. It was a complete mistake on my part. I went into my appointment already a single mother of a beautiful, two-year-old girl. Her father is still involved and supportive, even though we cannot be together. I walked in knowing that doing this would mean I was giving up on being a mother because there was no other logical reason I could think of, other then I'd be alone. I am already a great mom but my family and friends still "supported me" in my abortion—giving me all the reasons why abortion would "fix the issue." When I walked into my appointment, I was convinced it was the best thing to do, but my heart still felt like it was in my throat. It got worse as I saw all the people there to do the same thing as me—of all ages. I counted how many lives would be lost in one day in that clinic. To think there are so many abortions in Toronto! I called three that were booked full. This was the fourth. I started to feel queasy. The anxiety meds and Tylenol they gave me were not helping. A young girl came in. Her boyfriend looked supportive but unhappy with her decision. When she went in the room, I had no idea what was happening, but I got filled with sadness at a random moment. I am not religious, but I could feel her child die. They called my name and I went into the room trying to convince myself I could do it. The nurse was very kind and asked me to lay down. I started bawling my eyes out. I tried calming down but couldn't do it. I left and saved one of the babies in line today. I'm still not sure if I made the right choice, but it was my choice. I will be a single mother of two kids—trying to start my business. And I am terrified and ready to take it on. All for a little peanut with a heartbeat.
Date: December 18, 2013
I was 19 years old and in the Navy when I married my first husband. Five months later, I became pregnant. By that time I was in a military hospital psyche ward. My marriage was so unstable, and I was so depressed. I had tried to take my life.
My husband was an extremely immature drinking, fighting, pot-smoking, drug-using party boy who could not get a job, or keep one for more than a week or two. He'd spend all our money faster than I could earn it. He was also a "mama's boy," unable to cut the apron strings, though at the time we lived far away from her.
After I got out of the military, we moved in with his mother while my husband floundered around looking for short term construction labor jobs or pizza delivery. There was so much stress; we fought practically every day. There was also plenty of physical violence. I'd often cover up my fat lips, bruises and bloody noses so that his mum would not see.
She became so exasperated with our situation that she threatened to force me to get an abortion! I was horrified at the thought, but felt little power to resist her. Finally, she coerced my husband back into active duty military, so at least I would have medical attention.
Our son was born, and he was the joy of both our families. Sadly, our marital problems continued and after a particularly brutal beating, I ran from our home thinking I would come back and get my four-year-old son as soon as I could get on my feet.
Within weeks my husband, at the insistence and with the "help" of his mother, won permanent custody!
I met another man who promised to help me get my son back. Before I knew it, we too were married. This man was far worse than the first! At least my first husband had some conscience, and I did love him.
But this man was a pure narcissist. He saw himself and everything he did as good. He deemed himself my savior, and me as a whacko problem that needed to be brought into submission. He justified all his behavior, and twisted everything I did. He was a compulsive gambler, a womanizer and so many other things, but worst of all, again, a batterer!
When my father died, I finally had enough. I wanted out. I started to plan. I got a job, and tried to save some money so I could leave him. He had other plans and one day, during a particularly awful fight, he raped me.
I knew right away that I was pregnant. I never felt so trapped in all my life. I had little ability to care for myself and felt so hopeless about my other son. I also felt that no one would ever understand; how can a husband rape his wife?
Having just lost my dad, I became very sick. I was bulimic, and found that my only relief was making myself throw up. From the first time I tried it, I almost instantly began making myself throw up virtually everything I ate!
It was as if the only thing I could control in my sad little world was what went into and came out of my body!
It's not that I did not want my baby, I didn't want my husband. I was dead certain I could not care for myself, let alone a baby. Even if I were to stay in the marriage, I'd be completely alone emotionally.
One day, I walked across the street, to a place that I thought did abortions. I was just so desperate for help. I walked into the waiting room. It was an old house, that had been converted into a office. No one was in there, and it felt so creepy. I got real scared and walked right out again! No matter what I could not kill my baby!
By this time, I'd lost so much weight, my nurse midwife and my OB were befuddled at what to do. Finally, I confessed to her what was gong on with the bulimia. Again, I was put into a psych ward for the last two months of my pregnancy! My son was born, and thank God, we were both healthy.
That marriage too eventually crumbled, and my sons and I both had a lot of hardships, but we also had each other.
My oldest son died in a car wreck three years ago. He was 30 years old! I thank God everyday for the lives of both my sons. Even in my "crazy" state, I knew enough to hang on to hope and give them both a chance at life. Of course, I wish things had been better and more stable for them. But there were often such joys I can not recount it all.
Whenever I look back, even with all the hardships, I would not change what I did. I am just so thankful for the time God has given me with them both, and for the hope that I have for the one who is still with me. I can not imagine how empty life would have been, had I taken the easy route and aborted either one.
Date: September 12, 2013
I wrote last year; my story was posted on July 1st 2012. At that moment, I was very scared and depressed because I was thinking about not keeping my baby, since its father was not going to help me at all, and he kept trying to convince me to get rid of it, but I finally decided to keep my baby. By the 5th month, I had complications and i almost lost it. After that, my pregnancy went really well. On February 10th, I had the most beautiful baby girl. She's my world, she's my strength, she's my everything. Unfortunately, I was fired from my job because I had a very mean boss. I really hope things will be better from now on. Every time I see her beautiful face, I smile and I feel I can accomplish anything.
Date: April 24, 2013
I was born in 1973. I was my mom's second child; she was 17 at the time. With her first pregnancy, her parents made her get an abortion. She was six months along. It was a saline abortion. She had to deliver a dead, burned baby. Not too much time went b,y and she was pregnant with me. She only gained 10 pounds during the pregnancy and didn't tell anyone except her brother and his wife about it. I was adopted when I was 2-days-old. Roe vs. Wade holds a whole different meaning for me. She could have had a "legal" abortion with me, but she didn't. I am so thankful that she gave me up to be adopted by a loving, Christian family. That was God's doing. She and I have had a relationship for the past 22 years, and I love her to bits and pieces and am so thankful that she chose to give me life.
Location: Idaho, USA
Date: February 11, 2013
I was raped by a stranger and was in a crisis pregnancy in 2006. I thought I would consider abortion even though I had always been pro-life and was raised Christian, with the idea that abortion was wrong. But I didn't know what to do. I was so lost and scared. There was always the exception of rape and incest in everyone's mind that I talked to.
When I went into the abortion clinic parking lot there were protesters. They were angry and showing pictures of late-term abortions. They were yelling. I had just found out I was pregnant and was still very early in the pregnancy. I tried not to look at them. When I went in the clinic and looked around, I saw a lot of very sad, scared looking teenagers and women, and their boyfriends, husbands, friends, and family members. One girl looked like she was being made to go there by her mother. One was with her boyfriend and crying. It was definitely not a happy place. When I went to the exam room so they could figure out if I was indeed pregnant, they weren't even going to show me the ultrasound. The screen was pointed the other way. I demanded to see it. Looking at the ultrasound made it very real for me. There was no denying that I was pregnant, that there was a baby in there. I wonder if that's why they turn the screens, so its not as real? After the ultrasound, they hurried me into another room where a man was talking about birth control to me for after the abortion. He then told me about the abortion pill and what to expect. That was it. That was what was supposed to be my pre-abortion counseling. By law, I think I was supposed to go home and think about it. I went home absolutely disgusted with myself that I had even considered abortion. I called them the next day and told them I was going to keep my baby, and I couldn't kill it.
I decided that I couldn't provide for this child and considered adoption and met with a very nice adoption counselor. I was so afraid that I wouldn't love the baby the way that he or she needed because I would see that man in the baby. After all, the baby came half from him. Things were starting to look positive for me about the adoption and then after my first ultrasound with a regular OB, I heard the heartbeat. I knew right then and there that I could not give up this baby. I would lean on God to provide a way for me to take care of him or her. I was so scared I wouldn't love the baby because it came from a horrible situation. But the minute I heard the heartbeat I felt connected to the baby in ways I cannot explain. That baby did nothing wrong, that baby only needed me to love him or her. I knew in that moment that I could love this baby with all my heart. It truly is something that is hard to explain. I believe it was God showing me that this baby was going to bring me so much joy and the pain from the abortion and how she was created could go away. He was turning something so bad into something beautiful. The adoption counselor was amazing. She was so supportive in my decision to keep my baby. I knew that had I chose adoption this would have been the place. But adoption wasn't for me.
Over the course of the next few months I went through some pretty intensive counseling helping me get through the rape and the realization that I would be a single mom. But I knew I could do this. I leaned on God, my church, and the free counseling that I found through the local seminary. It was an amazing miracle when my little baby girl was born. I loved her instantly. All my fears of not being able to love her went away. At that moment I wasn't thinking about the man who raped me. I was thinking about this beautiful baby girl. She came out of my belly. She depended on me to survive. She depended on me now and I was going to be there for her. There was no question in my heart that I did the right thing by keeping her.
My little girl is now 5. I am married and my husband has adopted my little girl. I couldn't be happier and don't regret for one minute my decision to keep her. We now have another little girl who is 18 months. I am so glad that she has a big sister. We have told my 5 year old about the adoption and she thinks its so special. We made a special scrapbook that she can read whenever she wants. I am so happy I chose life. She truly is an amazing little girl. I am so happy that I don't have to live with the regret that so many women have.
At the abortion clinic, you are just a number. It's not personalized at all. It's sickening. I think instead of scare tactics with the protesters, there needs to be big signs about how counseling and support can get you through the pregnancy. Had I not had a social work degree, I might not have known where to look for those free resources. I really don't think scary, gruesome pictures are what's going to save babies from being aborted. There needs to be an actual support system that is advertised in big, bold letters. And if there must be pictures, maybe show the early term ones and not the later ones. All the women in the clinic when I went were not showing yet, so I'm assuming they were very early abortions.
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Date: November 16, 2012
In 2008, I was a female Marine in Okinawa, JP. My boyfriend of 6 months was also a Marine. He outranked me so our relationship was kept in secret. We were sexually active and never used protection. We were carefree and stupid. I was the naive type. "He's the one, he told me he LOVES me." Well, long story short, I went to medical on base because I wasn't feeling well. The Naval doctor ordered me to take a pregnancy test just to err on the side of caution. I sat there waiting on the results, never thinking it would ever come back positive. After all, I was untouchable, right? WRONG. The nurse called me back to show me the results. She said nothing as if I should know what 2 lines in the little box means. I had no clue. In fact, I assumed it was negative, because I figured a positive test would look more like +. Much to my dismay, I was indeed pregnant. I was instantly prescribed prenatal vitamins.
Moments after getting the news, I called my boyfriend's work place there on base, expecting to hear "it's gonna be OK." Again, I was disappointed to hear that he was busy and could not come to the phone. It wasn't until a few hours later that we spoke in person, behind closed doors. It was at that moment I realized who my boyfriend really was. A coward. He said over and over again, "I don't want to marry you… I don't want to marry you." It should have broken my heart, but somehow I had a new, more important person to think about. My unborn child. While my boyfriend cried and swore the thing wasn't his and that I was a cheating whore, I told him I didn't want anything from him. No child support or anything. I just wanted him to know that I was going to keep it. Once he knew I was not getting an abortion, he lost it. He hated the thought of HIS love-child living without a father. My ex-boyfriend moved 6,000 miles away from me to California where we never spoke again—not by phone or in person, anyway. I was left all alone with this shame and guilt. I was ridiculed by my superiors and judged relentlessly. I never heard it, but I could feel it in my bones.
I went to a couple of doctor appointments, the final one being my external heartbeat reading. At 8 weeks pregnant, a heartbeat is clearly heard—only my nurse felt around my tummy with the jellied wand for too long with no reading. I knew something was wrong. No heartbeat is not a good sign. Then I was sent to an ultrasound tech where they tried to get a visual on my baby. Only, nothing could be found. When a woman has a positive pregnancy test and there's no baby, one tends to expect an ectopic pregnancy (baby developing outside uterus, potentially fatal to mother). Here I am feeling a whirlwind of emotions. I'm told "not to worry." Another appointment is scheduled.
I never made it to that appointment because one dreary Saturday morning, I was woken by profuse amounts of blood flowing from below. I knew that what had fallen into the toilet was my miscarried child. I was rushed to the ER by a friend who had experienced a miscarriage. Thank God for her being there with me. With little emotion, the on call nurse removed the miscarried baby and handed me a pad. I was sent on my way feeling I had done something to cause this.
My point is that no matter how your baby comes to be conceived, whether you have drunk and unprotected sex one night or have unprotected sex with someone you think loves you, the baby in your womb has a purpose. Abortion was the option presented to me by many. In my heart, I knew I could never accept that choice. A miscarriage is devastating, but an abortion will psychologically destroy you and leave you wondering, "what if I hadn't gone through with it?" Don't leave yourself wondering what if. Trust God to lead you and your unborn child.
Location: North Carolina
Date: September 19, 2012
My son is now about 4 1/2 months old now, and I would never [give him up for] anything… [My boyfriend and I have] been together for about 4 years. I was on vacation when I think we conceived, [because] I ran out of my birth control. He was in the process of moving away and living his dream to play in a metal band; he was only living 2 hours away, which isn't that far. I was alone when I look my test. I was so scared because I was going to my last year of high school. I've always dreamed of going away to college and was afraid if I was pregnant, I wouldn't go anywhere. My boyfriend wasn't in town at the time, so I called him and he tried to get home fast. School started, walking those halls was so scary thinking people knew my secret, and I would get called trash. So I made my appointments to see my doctor in town. I was ready to puke; we made the choice to have an abortion. I needed an ultrasound to see how far along I was. I was about 7 weeks, 4 days. My auntie took me to my ultrasound; she went behind my back and called my parents, but it's the best thing she ever did for me… The ultrasound tech asked me if i wanted to see my little bean. Of course i said yes, and the moment i saw that heartbeat, my life was changed. I kept my son and my life that year was amazing! I never dropped out of school; I finished had my son in april. My boyfriend and I are still together.
Date: September 1, 2012
When I was 17, I remember telling my Mum that there was no way I was going to have children. For some reason, little children and babies gravitated toward me all the time, I could never understand why, as I had no desire to have anything to do with them. Little did I know that a few months down the track I would fall pregnant.
I was in a short-term relationship with someone who I really didn’t want to be with. We had been together for 6 months and had fallen pregnant. Straight away I went to a 24/7 medical clinic to receive the “morning after pill”. Unfortunately, I was one of the 3% of people who it did not work for. I really cannot begin to explain the feelings I was having. I just felt panicked and sick, so sick waiting to see if it would work. I told my cousin (and best friend) straight away that I thought I could be pregnant. She went and got a pregnancy test for me. I took the test and it was confirmed. I felt like being sick. I could not believe it. I think my whole world fell apart at that very instant. I broke down. I went and told my cousin. She checked the test. It was positive. My boyfriend was shocked and couldn’t say anything but "no, no, no, no." He didn’t believe it at first.
My parents were strict Catholics and I was living with them at the time. I knew how much this would disappoint them, I was so afraid how they would react. A couple of days after at work, I told my secret to my work mate as I needed some guidance. I had no idea what to do. She told me there was only two things I could do, either have the baby or terminate it. She told me that she would come with me to any appointments I needed and would support my decision either way but was more for the termination, as I would be able to get on with my life. My friend went on to explain that she had a friend who had an abortion and that it was really simple. However, she needed continuous counseling and found it hard when her baby’s birth date came round. I felt I was stronger than that and just knew that having a way to escape this horrible situation I was in was the best thing to me at the time.
I made an appointment with a doctor to confirm my pregnancy. My ears rang as he told me it was positive and gave me my due date. I said to him that there was no way I could have the baby and he asked me why. I simply said, “because I just can’t”. He told me that he was sorry but he was against abortion and would not give me a referral to an abortion specialist. The anger I felt for that doctor was immeasurable.
I soon discovered a free family planning clinic who gave information on abortions and the procedures. I was asked many questions before taken into a room with a female consultant. Nine and half years later, to this very day, I can still feel the sense of haunting peace I felt when she started explaining the process, how simple it was going to be, how when the baby was terminated I would not see it and that I could go straight back home after. She further explained that I would be doing it at a perfect time as the baby was only a piece of tissue and nothing more. She smiled at me and made me feel so peaceful that I was making the right decision and there was nothing to be afraid of. She told me how I could continue my life as normal and that no one would have to know. Looking back on this time, I can now see how Satan really gave me a false sense of peace in order for me to commit such a heinous crime – murder.
I left that clinic with a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. My friend offered for me to stay at her house after the procedure where she would look after me. The following day my cousin called me at work to see how I was going. I told her how great I was feeling, how relieved I was and continued to tell her that I had decided to have an abortion. She was horrified and she told me that I couldn’t do that, that I was aborting ‘my’ baby. I felt anger toward her that she was challenging me and not supporting me and our phone conversation ended on a sour note.
The day after this conversation I received a phone call from my cousin's Mum who I was very close with. My cousin had told her. She pleaded and begged me not to do it. She asked me to go around to her place and talk to her. I really didn’t want to but I was doing it only to please her and get her off my back. After hours of crying and being held in my auntie’s arms, she had convinced me to keep my baby. She told me that being pregnant was in no way going to stop my parents from loving me and that they would be disappointed and shocked but that they would come around. And she also convinced me that it wasn’t the end of the world that I would cope because I was strong. Most importantly she helped me to realise that I would never be able to forgive myself for doing this heinous act and would never be able to live in complete freedom having the burden of this on my soul. That was the day Satan lost his battle. My family slowly came to terms with it and when my little boy was born into this world he was truly a gift sent from heaven, not only for me but also for my family. I truly believe that God can make good of difficult situations. Even though my baby was made out of wedlock, God still blessed me. Less than a year after my son was born his Dad and I broke up and I became a solo parent for the next 7 years of his life. Without a doubt, they were the hardest years of my life but the most rewarding and I would not change it for anything or anyone. I am now happily married and 5 months ago was blessed with another baby boy. My eldest boy now 9 ½ years old is the proudest and happiest big brother ever (and a fantastic helper!). I could not imagine life without him and I still look at him today and count him as a blessing. I can’t believe Satan was going to rob him of his life through me.
My faith is stronger than ever now and I wish to reach out to all those women out there who are thinking of aborting their baby because of whatever reasons or circumstances they may have. I feel sorry for all women who say I CAN'T do this. You CAN do it! Satan’s lies have made you believe that you CAN'T do it. I cannot stress this enough. Every one of us was made in the image of God himself. Life has been given as a gift to us which we have not been given authority to take away. Only God the Father has this authority. Ignore what the media, social networks, friends and family say to you, this child deserves to live, they deserve your care and love, and they have a right to live! Do not punish them for the circumstances surrounding their conception. I plead with you - be strong and have a little faith that God will see you through!
Date: August 22, 2012
I always grew up thinking I was pro-choice, and I always have relied on science to solve life's little mysteries. This was of course until July of 2009 when my life completely was turned upside down (or maybe it was right side up). I was a cashier working about 28 hours a week, making minimum wage, and living with my boyfriend and his brother. Then it dawned on me, "hmmm, I don't remember having my period this month." I then pulled out a pregnancy test that I bought after puking my guts out on the 4th of July when all of our friends made the comment, "hope she's not prig." Needless to say it came in handy, along with the 4 other tests that I used that night. I told my boyfriend as soon as the first test came up positive and he was unusually calm saying, "Well, lets go to the health department and get everything figured out tomorrow."
We did; we went to the health department and there I thought, they're going to give me my options, but when I got there, I was completely surprised when they set me up on the medical card and had me talk to a counselor. At that point I was still thinking, "Why haven't they asked me if I want an abortion?" so I walked out of that clinic with an application and a list of providers I could use for prenatal appointments. My boyfriend asked me on the way back, "So what are you going to do?" I said I didn't know and that I needed to think about it. At that point, things changed. He got scared and said I needed to get an abortion. I was appalled that he would ask me such a thing. After all, I'm the one who was going to be carrying this baby. I looked at him and said I'm going to have to think about this.
I took a few days to do some research and found out what abortion really was. Even looking at it from a scientific perspective, I couldn't imagine that having an abortion was "OK." and then I started to feel like, "This is a little person that I'm thinking about doing this horrendous thing to, this thing I can't ever take back," so I instantly got disgusted and shut down the computer. I wrote a letter to my boyfriend telling him everything I just had felt run through my veins and the anger I felt about anyone hurting my, correction, OUR little baby and said I would not get an abortion, and if he chose to leave then that was his choice.
He read the letter and broke down into tears. He was scared; I was scared, but I knew that I was not going to terminate any being, no matter how small. Needless to say, he did stay and we're still together and we have a beautiful little girl who I couldn't imagine being without. She is my world, and science could have never told me that. I am pro-life now because I have felt hopeless and lost, but I found my hope through my circumstance, and I can't imagine ever choosing a cold, hard table full of regrets over my wonderfully smart, talented baby girl.
Date: July 30, 2012
Twenty-four years ago, He and She got earth shattering news. This young couple, He in college, and She struggling with drugs and alcohol, had become pregnant. This was not the ideal situation for a child to come into. The relationship was already starting to fracture. An abortion would be the simplest answer. The problem would be gone. He and She could forget the incident. He could finish his schooling, and live out his life as a successful lawyer. She could continue with the party, and maybe clean herself up some day. Besides, if It was born into the current situation, It would only know dysfunction and heartache. Aborting It was obviously the best option for everyone involved.
Man slid the needle into his arm, hand trembling, and pressed the plunger down. Melting into the bench as the drug entered his body. It was way more than he had ever done before. This much in Man’s system at once could easily kill him. He could only hope. Pain defined Man’s life. He was an accident from the beginning. Mother had abandoned him before he was two. Father was always there, but had high hopes and dreams for Man’s life. Man had tried to meet Father’s dreams, in turn shutting out his own. In the end, it seemed that Man could fulfill no ones dreams with anything but failure. A mistake at conception, and a failure at life. Man had never been wanted. Man had never known love. Man had only known pain. Pain. And more pain. More than anyone could deal with on their own, so Man turned to drugs, and a path of self destruct. Eventually, Woman, the one ray of hope in his life, also walked away, leaving Man alone in his pain. Eventually was this day, that left Man sitting on a bench, wishing he had never been born. Waiting for the drug to do its work and finally let him die.
He and She were quite progressive thinkers. It was growing inside of She, and It was quite alive. It was not a cancer to be removed and discarded. It was a life that deserved a chance at life, no matter how dismal the situation may be. One day She gave birth. It became Child, She became Mother and He became Father. It was not long before Mother realized that the drugs and alcohol were out of control. Her boyfriend was abusive, and she could not escape. She could not care for Child who’s life was in danger each day. Father knew this too. The courts came to an arrangement. Father would raise Child, and Mother would have full visitation rights. However, as Child grew into Boy, Mother stayed away. She wanted to keep him far from the reach of the darkness of her fight with drugs and alcohol. Every year on Boy’s birthday Mother would isolate herself and drink herself into unconsciousness. Boy never knew that Mother’s absence was in his best interest, and began to wonder. What horrible flaws did he possessed that could possibly be keeping Mother away? From an early age, this question plagued him.
Meanwhile, Father left college with a degree in pre-law and went to work at whatever he could to provide for Boy. He loved Boy with all of his heart and wanted Boy to have the best life possible. Father pushed Boy to do well, and was very proud. However, in his insecurity, Boy did not see things in this light. Boy saw a father that could not be pleased. Boy saw that performance earned love. As time moved on, Father fell in love with and married New-Mother, a beautiful and kind young woman. New-Mother had never been a mother before, and did the best she could with Boy, despite losing her own mother at the age of five. Father, New-Mother, and Boy had become family. Brothers soon entered the picture, and the family grew into the portrait of the perfect family. Perfect, except for the ever flawed, and unwanted Boy. He was not part of the plan. He was the accident of Father’s past. But with a smile, boy performed and earned his share of love. Growing from Boy to Man, and dealing with his pain as secretly and silently as he could.
Joshua stood at the altar and could not hold back the tears any longer. How could it have come to this, and all in such a short time? Joshua’s knees buckled and his shoulders shook with sobs of joy. He looked out through his tears and saw Father sitting there, eyed beaming with the pride that had always been there. To Father’s left was New-Mother, this day was the day that all of her mothering had lead up to. This was the day that tells a mother, well done. Sitting hand and hand with New-Mother was Mother. She had been clean for over two decades. Losing child had pushed her to the deepest of darkness, and she had fought her way out so she could be Mother-Again to Joshua. The room was filled with faces. Friends. Family. Brothers. Sisters. Joshua was loved. Joshua had not failed.
As Joshua stared at the back doors, waiting for them to open, his mind went back to that dark day when he was Man. That dark day he saw no hope and chose to end it all. The day Man had tried to die. Tried and failed. He remembered the day Man got help. The day Man chose to change. The day Man chose to become Joshua. He chose life.
Joshua could barely stand the anticipation, waiting for Love to come through those doors. Love had once been Woman, but Joshua had chosen to see her as Love. Then she had chosen to come back to him. Then they had chosen to be together forever. The doors opened and Love entered. She was beautiful, dressed in white. Something this good could have only come to him by God and His Grace. Joshua couldn’t ask for a more beautiful life.
Man chose darkness and destruction. Man chose to end life because it was his to end. But then Man chose life because it was his to live. Life is shaped by every choice we make. But Joshua would never have been. Man could have never chosen life over death if, back at the beginning, She and Him had made the choice for It.
I know this story well. You see, I am Joshua, and I am pro-choice. Each Man and each Woman should be given the choice to choose between life and death on their own. Because it belongs to them, not to She and Him.
Location: Spencer, Iowa
Date: April 24, 2012
I would like to share my story, and hopefully encourage other moms who may be going through similar situations in their pregnancies. When I was pregnant with my daughter I was an "older mom," so of course they tested for Down's (against my wishes – I knew I would love my child no matter what). The test came back positive, and the midwife told me I had no choice but to "terminate" (I though the whole "pro-choice" movement was about MY choice). This midwife even refused to give me prenatal vitamins, but was more than willing to give me a referral for an abortion. I am a research junkie, and found out this test had a 60% false positive rate and met with a doctor who specialized in genetics. She told me that even though I was positive, it was a low positive and the chances were very small anything was wrong with my baby. Today, I have a perfect, beautiful 2 1/2 year old little girl who DOES NOT HAVE DOWN'S! Take that everyone who told me I had to abort!
Location: Portage, IN
Date: March 8, 2012
I was 16 years old when I became pregnant with my daughter. I had only had sex once, and had used protection, and yet somehow... I was pregnant. I had mixed feelings, but knew from the start that abortion was not an option for me. My parents ended up kicking me out of their house. Most of my "friends" stopped talking to me, and many people were insisting that I should abort my baby. I said "no," I would not even let that thought cross my mind. So here I am three and a half years later. I have a one-year-old son now too. My daughter has recently been diagnosed with autism. Someone actually had the guts to ask me if I had known she would have autism, if I would have done things differently. And to answer to the entire world, no, I would not have aborted her. Yes, she makes my life more difficult. Yes, she hardly ever lets me sleep, and her communication skills are severely delayed. But she is my daughter, and I love her just the way she is, and I would NEVER abort my child. Every human being deserves a chance at life, who are we to take that away?
Location: Gordonville, PA
Date: March 8, 2012
We found out in June of 2011 that we were pregnant, and were so excited as the anticipation to be parents had been turning in us for quite some time now. It was a pretty routine pregnancy and I was blessed to have mild sickness in the beginning (thank you for that Joshua). At about 22 weeks we went to in find out the gender of our precious child, and we were both so excited we could hardly make it through the day as we waited. I will never forget that moment, looking at the ultrasound screen, hearing our doctor’s words, “I’m very concerned for this baby.” It was as if my heart sunk into a hundred pounds of cement. I held back the tears, hoping he was just seeing something incorrectly. As we waited for him to come back into the room, the news only got worse. We went into our appointment so excited to find out if we were having a boy or a girl, and we left 3 and a half hours later with the news that our child would most likely not live. I could do nothing but cry that night, my body weak from the news. My husband and I prayed constantly in those next few days, clinging to some hope that the doctors were wrong and our baby was OK. After a series of doctor visits over the next couple of months, different specialists continued to confirm the previous doctor’s findings. The only thing was, no one had an exact diagnosis or idea of what was the cause of our baby’s complications.
For the following month or so my husband and I sat in the most difficult pain and trial we have ever been through. All but two doctors highly recommended we terminate our child, but this was not an option for us. We knew it wasn’t our decision to make, and if God wanted this child to go home to be with Him, He would take him when it was His timing. My husband felt very strongly over the next few days that we were called to love our baby and to cherish each day we had with him. It’s hard to know what that looks like: to cherish the life of someone you haven’t met, you can’t hold, kiss, touch, or see. So as we prayed about how we could best embrace our son’s life each day we were given with him, God showed us more and more how to do this and what a blessing it was. For most women, they count down to their due date so they can start their life with their child. But for us, we knew there was a good chance that each day we got closer to our due date, we were getting closer to saying goodbye. Pregnancy for us changed so much through this experience, as we were learning to love Joshua the best we could before ever meeting him.
We chose the name Joshua because it means “Jehova saves.” We prayed daily for a miracle, and we believed wholeheartedly that God could have healed our child completely if He desired. However, we knew that though we don’t understand God’s ways, we could trust Him and rest in His plan for our baby. So whether he saved Joshua from what doctors said was a “mystery diagnosis”, or He saved him from the pains of this life, the truth remains that God saves.
We prayed over Joshua daily, and held onto Psalm 139:13-16 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was being made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days you ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”
Joshua was born a month early, on January 16th 2012, and he lived for 9 minutes in my arms. Leading up to his birth our hearts were filled with both joy and sorrow, and with the anticipation of meeting our child the same day we would have to say goodbye. There’s no way to prepare for that other than to trust Jesus in each and every moment, so that’s what we did. After about 12 hours of waiting in the hospital, we finally got to meet our son and I will never forget that moment. It was the most special moment of my life as I felt this overwhelming love for him consume my heart. I never knew a mother’s love until they placed him on my chest and I held him close to my heart. Here he was – our child, our baby, our son. We held him, cried over him, smiled at how perfect and precious he was, prayed over him, quoted scripture over him, and just took in as much of Joshua as we could. We couldn’t take our eyes off of him, for he was beautiful. He’s been a fighter from the start, and we saw his fighting personality in those short 9 minutes as he fought so hard to breath, but his lungs just weren’t strong enough. We feared he might suffer, but he was so peaceful and we could sense God’s presence with us – all three of us. Nine minutes just wasn’t enough time to be with him and to love him. We dreamt of a lifetime with him and were given only minutes. But God was very present and He filled that hospital room with His peace, strength, joy and love. We watched Joshua as he was held in the loving arms of family and friends, and were so happy his life got to be shared. That night we just held our baby in our arms and took in as much as we could. We wanted to know every detail about his face: his soft head with a little bit of brown hair, his cute little nose, his round soft cheeks, and his precious little chin. We couldn’t stop kissing him and the more we held him the more we couldn’t put him down. I wasn’t sure what it would be like to hold our child without life in him, but I found myself unable to let go of him at times. I just needed more time to hold my baby and to love him.
Although the pain I experience now is so deep and difficult to bear, I would go through it all over again to experience the joy Joshua has brought into my life. I’ve found myself thinking, “Would I have changed anything if I could have avoided the pain of losing Joshua?” And my answer, without any hesitation, is NO. I would not choose to avoid this pain if it meant missing out on the gift of my son. I think back to those 9 minutes with him alive, watching him take each breath, watching him fight, and those are the most valuable 9 minutes of my life. I wouldn’t replace them for anything – including the chance to skip the pain I feel now. He was the best part of me for 8 months, and our lives are not the same without him; and they will be forever changed because of him. I was Joshua’s voice, and I am so thankful I chose life for him. As mother’s, we are our unborn child’s voice. We have the very serious responsibility to decide if they live or die. I think back on how many doctors offered termination as our first option, and they offered it as though we would choose that for our child; and I realize how my voice has never been as powerful as it was the moment I chose life for Joshua. Though we knew he would most likely die in our arms, my husband and I wanted his life to be dignified. We wanted to celebrate his life and to get to know him the best we could for as long as the Lord gave us. After going through this situation, I am more passionate than ever to encourage other women not only to cherish each day in their pregnancy, but to be a voice for your child. I pray women will be able to realize that their voice is never so powerful as it is when it comes to your baby. I know how scary it is to carry a child you know will die in your own arms. I know how hard it is to wait for months to watch your baby die. I know how difficult it can be to go through the physical pain of carrying a baby and to go home with an even deeper emotional pain. But I also know the indescribable joy of holding your baby in your arms, loving that child, and honoring your child’s life. The joy Joshua has brought into our lives is worth the pain of losing him. When people ask if we have children, our answer will be “yes.” We have a son who will be forever loved, cherished, honored and missed. I pray others will choose life for the chance to experience the amazing gift God gives us through each child, no matter how long we have with them in our arms.
When we celebrated Joshua's life at the memorial service, I was in awe at the hundreds of people who were there to honor him. An innocent little baby, given only 9 minutes on this earth, had hundreds of people honor, embrace, cherish, and celebrate his life. What a blessing that is to us, as his parents, to know our son’s life was honored. A life that lasted 9 minutes has impacted others forever.
We love you Joshua, and are so filled with joy to be your parents! You have forever changed our lives.
Location: Gypsum, CO
Date: March 6, 2012
I was adopted at birth. And while some adopted children might struggle with abandonment issues, or the need to feel truly wanted, I learned at a young age what a gift my birth mother gave me when she chose to give me up for adoption. She gave me the gift of life. I have never had an abortion, but I could have very easily been aborted. But my mother, whose story I don't know, chose to let me live. I will never feel that she abandoned me; I will forever be grateful for her for giving me such a wonderful gift.
Location: Ontario, Canada
Date: January 27, 2012
I went in for my 6 month exam and the doctor was having trouble finding the heartbeat. He looked more and more uncomfortable as he tried to find it. Finally, after 10 awful minutes he decided to give me an ultrasound to “find the hiding baby.” Worse news. Now we could visually see my tiny little baby just lying there totally lifeless. No heartbeat. No movement. The doctor shook his head and told me it looked like she had died a couple weeks earlier. He immediately started talking about sending me to a good place where doctors would know what to do and make the next step as quick and easy as possible.
His words began to run together in my mind. The only thing I could hear was my own heart beating all the way in my throat. All I could think was, “This can’t be happening.”
We were referred to a local hospital for a D and E. Basically the same operation that would be performed for an abortion. Not only did I have the trauma of losing my baby girl, but now I have to deal with the thought of some sterile, family-planning, pro-abortion doctors taking away my daughter without a care in the world. No closure, just thoughts of what could have been.
We ran into somewhat of a miracle as we came to the hospital and the security officers took us to the wrong floor. They took us to labor and delivery, where a group of nurses looked dumbfounded as I explained my situation. “We don’t do D and E’s here”, one nurse said. “There is obviously some kind of mix up”. They told me they were so sorry for my loss and took me to a room to wait while everything got figured out. About a half hour passed before they came back and explained my options. I could stay here and have full labor, or wait a few days and meet a special doctor at a different location to have the “procedure” done. As much as I didn’t want the pain of labor, I also knew that I wanted to somehow honor my daughter and give her a respectful birth. I wanted desperately to hold her and see her face. We decided then and there to start full labor and take the bad with the good. Labor took a total of 6 and a half hours and was extremely painful.
Destiny Hope Fiorello was born 9oz and 9 inches. She was perfect. We got to hold her and kiss her and spend time with her. It was really beautiful and healing. She looked so much like her sister.
I know this seems so sad, and really, it is a very sad thing. But I experienced something so beautiful at that hospital. It was like this heavy blanket of grace just fell on me. I didn’t really feel much sorrow. I felt healing. I felt hope. The Lord surrounded me with people that facilitated this healing, and His own supernatural presence to give me “peace that surpasses understanding”. I am sad, yes. But…..I choose to hope. I was given a chance to see beauty in the midst of tragedy, and I want to honor her short life by living a life of hope. She is experiencing the most amazing glory right now. She is in good hands….and I will see her again.
Date: January 23, 2012
I was a young army wife living in Germany when I got pregnant with my second child. My first child has a very small birth defect on the top of his head. Because of this defect in the first born, I was sent to Langstuhl, Germany to see an Air Force colonel (genetic doctor) who told me to abort my second child. My husband and I were Christians and could not dream of aborting our baby. Praise the Lord that we did not listen to the colonel. We had a beautiful almost 10 pound baby boy. He is 12 now and a blessing.
Location: Harker Heights, Texas
Date: January 18, 2012
When I was 17, I dated a guy who was 19. He told me he loved me. He was aggressive sexually. I lost my virginity to what we now call date rape. I immediately was pregnant, and terrified. It wasn't legal to get an abortion, but many doctors made some quick cash doing illegal abortions, so my boyfriend asked if I thought I wanted one. No way, I said. Over the next 6 months I hid my pregnancy so no one could make me get an abortion. At last, I couldn't hide it. My parents were furious. My mother wouldn't speak to me for days, and my father threatened to kill the baby and slugged me in the arm, but didn't hit my stomach. After a few days, they settled down and got excited about the baby. Still, I got kicked out of public school only 6 weeks before graduation. I got a GED, but missed college. Instead, the boyfriend and I married, and I had the baby. She was amazing. I had never known you could love anyone as much as I loved that baby girl. Our parents fell in love with her, too.
After a few years, my husband started beating me up. He would say if I left him, he would take my baby away or hunt me down and kill me or kill my parents. I couldn't leave because there were no safehouses back then. One night I prayed for God to get him to leave, and a few days later he came home, packed his clothes and moved in with a girlfriend he'd been seeing on the side.
Within a couple of years, I met a wonderful, kind man, and we married. He has been a great father for my daughter, and we had kids of our own. We've been married 34 years. I've gotten some college and am an artist and writer.
My daughter is 42. She's still awesome. She has two kids; one of them was also an "accident." A girl. Thank God abortions were illegal back in 1969, or I might have had an abortion out of fear. I'm the type of person that would never have gotten over it. My daughter and her children make all the hardships worthwhile.
Location: North Carolina
Date: January 4, 2012
My birth mother, we'll call her Leah for privacy reasons, was living with her boyfriend when she discovered she was pregnant. I have one picture of her. She gave me a lot of her characteristics; dark hair, dark eyes, and short. She was a body builder. Unfortunately, body builders often use drugs and she did too. Up until discovering her pregnancy, Leah used crystal methamphetamine. That basically makes me a drug baby; I wasn't an ideal human anymore and might have a poor "quality of life." Her boyfriend, also a body builder, had no interest in a child, seeing me as a nuisance and bother, not a life. After all, Leah had taken drugs and that's not the best thing to do to ensure the health of a baby. He told her that if she didn't get an abortion, he would kick her out. Simple enough decision. She had no where to go. My very existence was an inconvenience that a basic procedure would fix, ridding her of her "fetus."
I wonder what the doctor told her. I wonder how the nurses assured her. What words did people use to convince her that I wasn't a life, that I had no future, that killing me was a practical choice. I wonder what they would think if they met me.
Leah made her appointment. Drove to the clinic. Walked in the door. Went into the room. Lay down on the table. Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Me dying that day was not part of God's sovereign plan. Leah later told my birth parents what happened.
As she was lying there on that table, waiting for the doctor to go to work she heard God speak to her. He told her "No, you can't do this." She sat up, walked out, and never looked back.
My adoptive parents had been trying to adopt a child for 7 years. They had almost given up hope. But at the perfect time, God brought Leah to them through a private adoption agency. My parents were ready to quit and Leah was alone in the world. God was bigger and His plan larger than the pain they were feeling at the time. Despite Leah's drug relapse right before my birth, I popped out, a healthy baby girl.
Sometimes, I wish I could meet Leah. I want to thank her. I was inconvenient, I brought her suffering, but she, by God's grace, gave me life.
I don't know where you are in your life. I don't know your story. You might be a grown adult. I encourage you, vote for life. Do not support any legal measure that gives women the ability to kill their own children. If you are a parent, whose daughter has made a mistake, encourage her. Give her the support she needs to continue in her pregnancy and help her make a decision between keeping and raising the child or giving him up for adoption.
Leah never even told her parents about me. She knew she would receive only judgment and anger from them. Never tell your daughter that ego or other people's opinion is more important than her baby's life.
If you are a young man who has become a father, be a father. Don't act like Leah's boyfriend, who was so important to himself that he encouraged her to make a choice between his convenience and my life.
If you have a close friend who is pregnant with an unwanted baby, let them know that you and God love that baby. Offer whatever aid the mother might need. Tell her about her options. Be available to drive her to a counseling center or to a doctor. Do not gossip about her.
Finally, if you are a woman who is pregnant with a baby you don't want, who will inconvenience you, or you can't take care of, you have options. Thousands of couples can not have their own children and must wait for years before they can adopt. You can legally leave your baby on the door step of a Fire Department and they will find a home for him.
My mother chose life. I admire and love her for it. My life has been a continual road of blessing after blessing heaped upon me. Jeremiah 29 doesn't stop at verse 11 but continues with, "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." God has revealed himself to me and I have found Him. There is no greater joy. Your baby has the right to that as well.
I don't enjoy sharing this. It is personal. But I don't think God's miracles are meant to be kept secret. I hope and pray that my story may change some people's minds.
Date: January 1, 2012
I was 17 years old when I found out I was pregnant. It was probably the most horrifying experience of my life. To this day when I think about that time, almost 5 years ago, I get emotional because the fear of the unknown was ridiculously frightening. Thankfully I knew from the beginning that abortion was never an option for me, although I definitely had numerous people tell me that I should consider it. I will never understand how those people can look at my children now knowing that they told me to kill my oldest one. Even though I could never kill my child just because he was conceived at an inconvenient time, I often wished (in the beginning of my pregnancy at least) that God would take the life of my child in the womb so I didn't have to face the upcoming changes in my life. Although it saddens me to recount such selfish wishing on my part, it shows how I fully understand the desperation young people encounter while considering abortion. I thank God every day that he did not grant me my wish because today I have two blessings that I could never live without. My children give my life purpose and they fill me with the most amazing feeling: unconditional love. To anyone considering abortion, I beg you to understand that you CAN have your baby and you will not regret it. You can do anything that you put your mind and heart into. Believe me, I fully understand the feelings that you are feeling. I have been there and know how hard this time in your life is. The moment you see your baby for the first time will make all of the stresses and worry you feel now seem trivial. I plead with you now to give your child a chance and know that you have all of heaven cheering for you. May God bless you and help you.
Location: Mount Pleasant, PA
Date: December 22, 2011
I was raped. Then a month or so later, I was feeling sick and having to take time off work, so I went to the doctor. He got me to do a pregnancy test. The two lines came up and I was sitting there waiting for the nurse to come and tell me what that meant. There was a mother sitting there with her son. I tried to make eye contact with her and ask her. I was sitting there trying to breathe and not start bawling, in denial. How could this happen to me?! The nurse or doctor finally came over and stated “You are pregnant.” I started to cry. I had no one with me. I was shaking. The doctor said, “I will be back, to discuss your options.” The room which was full, now cleared. Not one person stayed in that room with me, to console me. I was in a daze. I left. In tears. No one tried to stop me. No one came after me. I was bawling. I am never going back to that doctor – no way, not after the way they gave me no support!
I went to my brother’s house, which was right down the road from me. He wasn’t home. So I drove to my mum and dad’s house. Thank God they were home. I flew into the house and said, “I’m pregnant” and went straight into dad’s arms and he just held me and started crying too. I though how could this happen and went back through what happened in my head. I had blocked out a lot and it took me a few weeks to remember what happened in more detail and to accept how I had gotten pregnant. I thought, "I don’t want a baby without a husband. I can’t do this by myself." I had counseling and talked to those I trusted. Later Dad talked to me about having a pill that would abort the baby. I thought, “What the hell? He’s supposed to be a Christian and he’s telling me to do this!” I said no! I’ve always thought of a baby as a baby, none of this, "it’s just tissue" business. I hoped for a miscarriage many times. Then after a while a accepted this baby, and did everything for him/her. I accepted that my life would change. The support I got from my parents, my best friend and my church was what I needed. I was hoping for a girl, as I didn’t want a boy as I thought it would look like the guy, if it were a boy. I had an ultrasound and found out the baby was a boy. I was devastated, but after a while I accepted that too. I had a little boy, growing inside me. To feel him wiggle to music and move etc was something you can’t describe. When he was born, I was in love. He was gorgeous. The lessons I learned those first few days were amazing. I learned to stand up for myself more and for the boy. I called him The Boy, as it seemed more right. For it was God’s special gift, so he was God’s and mine. The boy ended up in the NICU, as he didn’t feed in the first 24 hours. I felt sick, I couldn’t eat much. I was so worried he wasn’t going to make it. Many prayers from many people and five days later, he was feeding and his infection was better and we went home. Other problems went on from here, but I won’t go into it.
I had the attitude that this baby was mine and not that guys. He was born for a reason; this all happened for a reason and he will go on to do great things! The way he came around was not nice, but this is the best experience. You gain feelings you never knew you had in you. When they say your heart is living outside your body, it’s true. Your love is so big you can hardly contain it. I wanted to see my child grow up, and not miss out on anything. I wanted to see his milestones. His first steps, hear his first words, etc. I wanted my child to have a father, but this was not so–for now.
Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes it’s better being by myself as I only have myself to rely on. If a decision needs to be made, I can make it. If bags need to be packed for going away etc, it’s only up to me to pack. If something gets left behind, there is no fight with a partner to say, “I thought you packed that.” I still hope God will send a Father for my boy and a husband for me though, so we can share the joy and have more children.
Now I wonder how dad feels as he wanted me to take that pill, as he loves my son to bits and can’t wait to spend time with him and teach him “boy stuff.” I’m so glad watching my precious boy grow up. He’s such a great boy and he’s growing up in a loving, godly environment.
Thank you God for your gift of life!
Date: December 20, 2011
I was 18, just graduated from high school and planning on going to a top Christian college in the fall when I found out I was pregnant. I had big plans and I was going to make them happen. I didn't want my parents or friends to think badly of me. So, I was dead set on abortion. My boyfriend was shocked that I was pregnant, but even more shocked that I had decided on abortion because I had always been a "pro-life" Christian (and a pastor's kid). I hesitate to call myself truly pro-life at that point in my life because it was more of a political belief than a true conviction of how awful abortion really is.
My boyfriend begged me not to have an abortion. I ended up going to a crisis pregnancy center to humor him. I expected them to be judgmental and condescending, however, there I was treated with more compassion than I had ever imagined. They didn't treat me like I was just a host body to the fetus they were trying to save. One of the nurses said something to me that almost made me change my mind. She said that another girl who had chosen to have her baby said this: "I thought about when I'm 80 and what decision I would be proud of when I look back at my life." Like I said, it *almost* got me to change my mind, but it didn't. I made an appointment at the abortion clinic. I wanted to get in the next day so that I could use my full-time summer job as a cover story for my being gone all day (the abortion clinic was in a town 100 miles from my home town). However, because of a mandatory wait law my state has, I wasn't able to get in until the next week.
I'm telling you all of this so you can see what led to me ultimately not having an abortion. That week gave my boyfriend the time and the courage to go behind my back and tell my dad what was happening. That led to an outpouring of love, support and forgiveness from my family. Because of that, I now have a beautiful almost 2-year-old. I married my boyfriend, not out of obligation, but out of love. I came to love him even more after seeing his courage and strength to stand up to me and save not only our daughter, but myself as well. I'm now a junior in college, graduating on time and I have a life full of love. Seeing how God watched over me and intervened to prevent me from a life of regret and hurt when I was so willing to seek sin to cover sin has renewed my relationship with Him. That relationship is now the foundation of my marriage and my parenthood. God is so merciful. My life is more complete now than it ever has been.
For anyone who's considering abortion, I want to reiterate what that nurse at the clinic said to me. I know how it feels to be in that situation. You feel panicked and all you know is that you need to fix the problem now. Abortion clinics feed off of that panic. They fight 24-hour waiting laws that allow you time to think or people to intervene. They know that you can't think further than the next 9 months and they use that to their advantage. If you're thinking of an abortion, please, go to a crisis pregnancy center and let them tell you what your options are. They really, honestly care about not just your baby, but you, too. There's so much support out there. I know its hard when you feel like you have to fix the problem as soon as possible, but really try to think about that 80-year-old you. I know its scary, but try to find the strength I didn't have, the strength my husband did. I guarantee you won't regret it. Don't be another story of regret to add to this website.
I'm praying for you.
Location: North Dakota
Date: December 15, 2011
Around the 20th of October 2010, I fell pregnant. I was still 15 at the time. So many people told me life was over, to just terminate the pregnancy. Even my daughter's own grandfather suggested it. For about 2 days I considered [abortion]... but I didn't. I kept my baby. On the 26th of July 2011, she was born. It was the most painful yet best experience I've ever had. My partner (17) cried so much from happiness. It was truly the BEST day of my life. To all the young girls considering abortion, don't do it, there is always some form of support. I'm lucky enough to have my family and partner. Trust me, keeping that baby will be in the long run the best thing you ever did. My daughter is now 11 weeks. She has the most hypnotizing blue eyes, and the smallest amount of brown hair. She's recently learned to laugh and smile, and she's almost sitting on her own.
I may not believe in god, but I believe in pro life. No matter the circumstances, I will never believe in abortion (rape, down syndrome, ectopic etc). It is not the child's fault it was conceived that way. It is not its fault that it has down syndrome, so what if you can't care for a down syndrome baby or baby conceived from rape. Give it to someone who will love it. The majority of women on here feel regret. It's truly sad that you cannot go back on it. I wish I could have met you all and told you that "it is okay to have that baby".
One of my closest friends was held down and guilted by her own mother into having an abortion. Just the other day she was telling me that even years later she is so sad and depressed. I wish I could have been there for her before her abortion, to tell her it doesn't matter that her mother wasn't happy. if keeping that child makes you happy, then you do it. If not, adoption is the next best thing.
So please, before you [have an abortion], consider this; every life is dearly precious... that little life that you might terminate grows into someone so beautiful, someone so warm with a smile that melts your heart each time. It may not have a heartbeat etc straight away, but it is alive, right at the moment of conception. It is alive. I hope one day for the whole world to be pro life.
Location: Perth, Australia
Date: October 17, 2011
I was 19, with an on-again, off-again boyfriend/sometimes fiance. He was abusive, but at the time I didn't think I could do any better. I had a full ride to a good private college. When I discovered I was pregnant, at first I was happy, thinking my partner and I would be a family. But all the promises he had made me didn't happen, and he grew steadily more abusive. Finally, I left him. After having left him, I had a tough choice. Give up my scholarship and go back home to have my baby, or 'take care of the problem'. I felt so sad, lost, and hopeless... my future was down the toilet, I thought, and my family will be so ashamed of me. I chose to give my beautiful baby boy life, and I have never looked back. I went home and found so many wonderful sources of support. My local pregnancy center and its staff, my family and friends, even strangers at my church–they were all willing to help me, just as they will be willing to help you. I am in school now, and though it's no full ride, I do just fine. You can NEVER take it back if you choose not to give your child life, and I have seen the pain it causes. My son is the light of my life, and I would never have traded him for my personal freedom. You are not alone in this, and you will never know any feeling greater than the love you feel for your child and the love he gives to you. I am so grateful I chose life.
Date: October 12, 2011
It was the first semester of college and I had just broken up with my my ex-boyfriend. After our first date back together, I found out I was pregnant. My family is a very religious family so I was sure my parents were going to kick me out. To my surprise, they were there for me through it all. Now I'm married and have a beautiful little girl. Ive seen what abortion does to other women. It's not worth killing your unborn child. You'll love your baby so much. Every baby is a blessing.
Date: October 9, 2011
I was 18 when I got pregnant. I thought my life was over. The father already had another child that he did not want anything to do with, I was living alone, no car, and just the clothes on my back. I carried small so I could hide my pregnancy. I couldn't tell my mom, she was a pastor and severely judgmental. I contacted my ex and told him I wanted an abortion. He agreed. He didn't want to pay two child supports. How sad. I began making calls. After I found out costs, he agreed to pay half because paying half now was cheaper than 18 years of child support. How terribly sad. My current boyfriend's mother wanted me to give the baby for adoption. Every one thought I couldn't do it. But I can tell you right now. I canceled that appointment. I kept my baby. And almost 2 years later, I have never been more in love. Her name is Hailey. I'm working part time, pinching pennies. Sometimes my bills are late. But I am so happy. I do not know where I would be without her. Life is now much harder but so much more worth it. Teaching her to walk and talk... words cannot begin to explain... and when she hugs me so tight and says "mine mommy" my heart melts and I am reduced to tears. Ladies, no matter how much you think a baby won't fit into your plans... I promise she will. There is no greater love than what a mother has for her child.
Date: September 28, 2011
Houston summers are hot...really hot. This particular summer would especially make me sweat. It was 1997 and I was turning 17. I had friends, youth, and a brave heart that was ready to take on the world. All that was about to change.
My girlfriend and I just finished our junior year of high school and we were ready to embrace the full like of a senior. From the parties to the senior trips, we were excited to begin our final year of high school. This was going to be all about us, right?
Things began to change as my girlfriend began feeling really sick one night. She took medicine but the pain persisted and we tried everything hoping that it was just something she ate and things would get back to normal. She ended up at the doctor's office with her mom and after running a few tests, she got the news she least expected...she was pregnant. I remember receiving the phone call from the office. I was in my room and as soon as I heard those words, my knees buckled and I nearly fell to the floor. I was in a state of shock. On top of that, my girlfriend told me she couldn't talk and just like that, she was gone.
From that point on, her parents made it clear that we were not to speak to each other. In fact, her dad made it known that he really didn't care for me at this point. He language was a little more colorful and forceful. It took a few weeks but I broke the news to my parents. They were shocked but supportive. Through all of this, I managed to talk to my girlfriend and this was the first time the word came up…abortion.
It crossed our minds because like I mentioned earlier, our senior year was fast approaching and it was all about us. Not only that but what would our friends think? What about our future plans? What about our fun trips that we planned?
Thankfully, by God's grace, my girlfriend had a conversation with a pastor whom convinced her to have the baby. I admit, I wasn't sure what to think at the time but I respected the decision and we decided we would get through this together. So we braced ourselves for our senior year…
Needless to say, we made it through 1998…all of us. Rather than the pain and guilt that would’ve come with the abortion, God gave us a precious and beautiful 13-year-old daughter. I can’t imagine my life without her. If your life has turned out differently, know that God has extended mercy to you in Christ Jesus. His grace is sufficient to save you and wash away all that you’ve done.
Location: Houston, TX
Date: August 25, 2011
I found out I was pregnant two weeks after my husband (boyfriend at the time) and I split up. We had only been dating on and off for about a year, so I was instantly angry...at him. I was close to finishing up my third year in the military, just had come home from a deployment, and felt like my husband took my life away. I was living life carefree, traveling, going to school, having a good time with my friends...and now I felt as if all of that was over. After taking three at home kits, I went to my OB where he confirmed it all with a blood test. Life after this was a whirlwind for me. I went through many mood changes, as most pregnant women do :) but most of my emotions were ones of anger, which only forced me to push my husband almost completely out of my life. I am and always have been Pro-Life, and I knew without a doubt that this baby will forever and always be the love of my life, and at 15 weeks when I found out that he was a boy, life began for me. (Not that I didn't want a girl, I just really really wanted a boy). My husband and I decided to repair our relationship, which needed a lot of work...and make a life for our child. The day my son was born, was the scariest day of my life. It was when everything shifted from doing what was best for me to doing what is best for him. I love him with every ounce in my body, and I don't think I will ever be able to fathom abortion. It should never be an option. The only option we should be contemplating is to breast feed or formula feed.
Location: Louisville, KY
Date: June 29, 2011
When I was 17 I met the man who is now my husband. We were dating for about a month before I got pregnant. I got pregnant the first time we had sex. I woke up one night not feeling well so the next day my mom took me to her OB-GYN. After taking a urine sample he walked in and flipped his chart and asked when my last menstrual cycle was before proceeding to tell me that I was pregnant. I dropped out of high school during the pregnancy due to bullying issues with the kids at school. I felt pretty bummed about sitting out for a whole year but felt that I was protecting my baby by doing so. Nine months later my husband graduated high school, joined the military and we got married. When my son turned four months old I found out that we were again expecting. I felt so miserable, wishing that I would have taken proper precautions not to get pregnant again. I feared that my mom was going to be upset with me but she wasn't. My husbands first duty station was overseas and being young we went through the tests of time. So much changed for us in such little time. We weren't prepared to get married so young but we were determined to figure it out. We made many mistakes and had bouts of infidelity and bickering and fighting for the right to want to be young but knowing that we were now parents. We split up and got back together and during the hardest times we fell flat on our faces many times. After our two children together I ended up having two children outside of the marriage. The first child that was born outside of our marriage, I did not consider abortion as an option. With my second outside of the marriage I felt so embarrassed to have fallen so terribly and on top of it all the father was pressuring me into having an abortion that I actually scheduled the appointment and was days away when my husband came to me and said that the Lord had revealed to him the man that the affair was with and asked me if I wanted to confirm and I did and also told him that I was pregnant. The first thing he said was, "would you like for me to pray with you?" I was shocked and taken back by his response. He later found out about my plans to not keep the baby and he demanded that I keep the baby and questioned the character of the father in order for him to be pressuring me into doing such a thing. Since then I have had my child and finished my high school diploma and my marriage is now free of infidelity and and we are more whole now than we have ever been. I realized that I wasn't a bad person, I was running from some things in my life that had happened to me as a young child. I stopped running and turned around and faced the giants in my life and overcame. Without Christ I would not be able to be here today writing my testimony. One of the scriptures that spoke to me was Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."I knew abortion couldn't be right option for me because my baby had a purpose in this world. Who was I to abort its mission?
Location: Newport News, VA
Date: June 13, 2011
I have always been pro-life, but I know, respect and even love people who are pro-choice. However, I never really understood them. So I researched using this site and others and if anything only strengthened my convictions.
Then, I became pregnant with my third child. I hadn't planned on having a third child. My family felt complete with two. Because of my convictions, I knew that I could never abort a child, but I also did not experience any closeness to the baby growing within. I felt compassion as I would to any child, but not any bonding. I also had an annoying pregnancy, not necessarily difficult, but I had morning sickness everyday for all three trimesters and I just felt a lot more tired than I had with my other two. I thought that here, I finally understood all of those women who said that they just felt relief when they had ended their pregnancies. I even secretly thought that although I would outwardly be a good mother, I couldn't picture myself "truly" loving this child.
I WAS SO VERY WRONG. I adore my daughter. She adores me. My older children love her so deeply and are so very protective as is my husband and all of those around her. She is charming, smart, compassionate, beautiful and she is LOVED. I treasure her, I have a fierce almost primal love for her. Truly words don't do justice to how much I love her and my other children.
Why do I share this? Because what I learned is that so many if not all of those women who vehemently state that they could not have loved the children they aborted were wrong. I'm glad that I respected the life of my daughter enough to not take it from her. I would have missed out on one of the deepest and strongest loves of my life.
Date: May 1, 2011
I got married a month before I turned 21 to a man who had told me from the start that he didn’t want any children. That was okay because I didn’t want any either, or so I told myself. I wanted a career, a house, and freedom to do whatever and go wherever I pleased at a moment’ s notice, and a child would only hamper that. I had been on birth control pills for several years, so I wasn’t worried.
Four months after we got married, my father took me to the ER because I couldn’t stop throwing up. The doc suspected appendicitis, and ordered an ultrasound. The ultrasound tech called someone in and asked them, “Does that look like 5 weeks or 6 weeks to you?” My heart dropped and I said, “What do you mean ‘six weeks’?!” He told me he couldn’t talk to me about the results. I had to wait to speak to my doctor. But I knew what the tech had said, and I knew what it meant. I started to cry. I was not surprised when the doctor told me that I was pregnant, even though I had thought I could not get pregnant on the Pill. The doctor wanted to keep me overnight at the hospital for observation, since I was very dehydrated. My husband came to see me after he got off of work. I had been crying almost all day, and I cried when I told him. He looked angry and said, “Well, you already know what *I* want you to do.” But deep down, in a place I never would have even admitted existed, I already felt a bond with this little tiny blob that was making me puke my guts out. I had always been pro-choice, even coming from a very Christian, pro-life family. I couldn’t keep this baby. We were barely married. We had a tiny, one bedroom apartment that we struggled to afford. He didn’t want it. I didn’t see how I could raise it alone, and it might end my marriage. But, it was my child. He and I had created it. It was half my DNA. I was so conflicted. I just wished it wasn’t here and I could go back to my normal life. But it existed. And I had 3 choices. Abortion, which terrified me, and I couldn’t quite justify morally. After all, I *was* married, and an adult, and had a supportive family. Adoption, which I knew my husband would fight tooth and nail because he was adopted and (according to him) had had a miserable childhood. And keeping the baby, which scared me out of my wits, but was also strangely attractive to me. I had never thought of myself as a mother, or even a motherly type. But there was no denying that I had life growing inside of me. An unplanned, unexpected, unwelcome little life, but still a life.
I cried all night and only slept when exhaustion took over, but woke up crying often. I cried all the next day. I couldn’t come to a decision, or even a conclusion. I just felt numb, frozen, stuck. My husband couldn’t pick me up from the hospital until after work, so I got dressed and waited, my eyes red, my head clogged, and tears welling up every few minutes. An older woman, maybe in her 60s, came in to re-make the bed and empty the trash and tidy the room. She saw me sitting in the chair, stifling my sniffles and asked me, in broken, Italian-accented English, what was wrong, why was I crying. I burst into fresh tears and the whole story came pouring out of me.
She handed me a box of tissues and said, “You should keep your baby. I had four kids, but I only have one left. One son died in the war, one got a blood disease, and my daughter had cancer. I don’t know what I would do without my youngest daughter. She takes care of me. If I had not had all of my kids, I would be alone today. Have your baby.” When she told me that, I felt a sense of peace come over me and finally was able to stop crying. She gave me a hug and I thanked her.
When my husband arrived, I calmly told him I couldn’t have an abortion. I knew I just couldn’t live with my conscience for the rest of my life if I made that choice. He was clearly not happy, but said it was my choice to make, not his, and he would be there for me. He left when our daughter was 2 months old, and was gone for two months. I begged him every day on the phone to come home. When he came back, we tried to work it out for the baby’s sake, and stayed together for several more years, even having a son together. The day that I told him I wanted a divorce, he suggested we have another baby. I don’t think I ever forgave him for wanting to abort our little girl. I’m sure it contributed to our unhappy marriage.
That little girl is now almost 17 and an amazing young woman. My ex moved 1200 miles away when she was four and has had little to do with either of his kids. I am remarried to a wonderful man who loved my kids like they were his own from the very beginning. We have a little girl together and are expecting again. My pro-choice views have evolved completely into being unequivocally, unapologetically, and vocally pro-life. I am so thankful that God, or fate, or karma, or chance put that woman and I in the same room at the same time. Without her, I might still be crying.
Location: Chicago, IL
Date: April 21, 2011
First off, this story isn't mine, it's my Mother's. I would ask her to submit her story here, but she isn't much for the internet, and likewise does not even own a computer. Regardless, I feel that her story is noteworthy, and therefore worth telling here.
This took place some years ago--1986, in point of fact. My Mother suspected that she was pregnant with her second child, and was fooled (as many are) by the optimistic name of "Planned Parenthood."
My Mother only had two goals in mind for that day: 1)Find out if she was actually pregnant and 2)find out if the baby was healthy. The employees of Planned Parenthood had a different agenda. They did not congratulate her when it was confirmed that she was carrying, they told her that they were so, so sorry, and that they could "take care of it." She did not understand their reaction until they began explaining to her all of the reasons she should be aborting the child.
"No, you don't understand, I want to have the baby. Why wouldn't I?" she asked, but they persisted, and continued to bring in consultants and employees who gave her the abortion sales pitch.
Now my Mother is a strong woman, but she has always loved children, and has never understood why anyone would want to kill their child. Regardless of her emotional strength, the idea that she was being so heavily pressured to abort her child brought her to tears. She begged them to stop, but they kept insuring her that having a child was a horrible experience, a financial strain, an unnecessary burden... and the abortion would be relatively painless, they said. She persisted through sobs that she had no intention of having an abortion, and wound up screaming for my Father who was in the waiting area outside to come help her get out of the room. They were actually trying to keep her from leaving!
The person those Planned Parenthood employees were so vehemently trying to kill? Her name is Ashley. She's happily married and in nursing school. Extremely intelligent, creative, and sweet. My Mother still weeps when she thinks about the employees at Planned Parenthood who tried to take her from us.
Location: Birimgham, AL
Date: April 21, 2011
I had just turned 15 when I got pregnant. When I told "him" that I was pregnant he panicked, said he wasn't ready to get married, and this, that and the other, that he wanted me to have an abortion. Even at 15, I didn't agree with abortion. So I told him not to worry about it, that I would never tell who he was and he could go on with his life, and that's what he did. Not that race matters now, but this was 22 years ago. I'm a white 15 year old, pregnant with a black baby. I knew the hurdles I would go through with my family but that didn't even effect my choice, to make any other choice would be selfish and cold-hearted. I always heard "you made your bed lie in it," which means take responsibilities for your actions. So anyways I had Johnny when I was still 15 and he has been a blessing to me from the day I knew I was pregnant. Yea my life was hard making ends meet, dealing with racist family members. Life got easier when I met my husband. He has been Johnny's dad since he was 6, but 6 years before that I was the only one. Today I have a high school graduate, a college student, a college football player. Some one who has made me so proud to be his mom. And there were A LOT of people with the same comments, how are you gonna raise a baby, babies having babies, he won't grow up to be anybody cause you won't raise him right and all the same bull crap. I wish I could get some of the comments from his teachers and coaches about how respectful and kind, all the good things they say about Johnny. Who woulda known? Me!!
If you are considering abortion, think about how having a baby will change your life for the good! If you don't want a baby... do all you can do to not get pregnant, which I know there is no way to completely do that, I was on Mirena, when me & my husband had our last baby :) But think about how much good a baby can do. Don't be selfish! Your baby is a loving caring person who will love you forever and you should love your baby forever!
Date: April 20, 2011
In 1990, I was 18 and found out I was pregnant. I was scared, felt like I was alone, thought my parents were going to kill me, was confused and did I mention scared?
I knew that the “easy” way out would be to get an abortion, but I also knew that would be killing the child growing inside me and I couldn’t do that. I also knew it really wouldn’t be the easy way out, that if I had done that, I would always remember what I had done and have emotional scarring for the rest of my life.
My mom and dad told me that they were disappointed in me (for getting pregnant in the first place), but loved me and would support whatever decision I chose. I knew that if I kept the baby, chances would be that my mom and dad would have raised him. This child needed a mom and a dad, not a teenage mom and grandparents raising him. I decided to give him up for adoption.
We spoke to our pastor (who is still my pastor today) and he connected us to an adoption agency. The adoption process started out as a closed adoption. The parents adopting my child wouldn’t know who I was and I wouldn’t know who they were. I was ok with this.
In 1990 there were some cases in the news of parents who had given their children up for adoption that came back 2 or 3 years later to get their children back. That frustrated me. I couldn’t imagine the heartache the children and adopted parents were going through. I decided to write a letter to the couple who were adopting my child. I let them know that this was their child I was carrying and I would not come back later and try to take him/her away from them. It was not long after I wrote that letter when the adoptive parents decided that they wanted to meet me. I am so blessed that God allowed this to happen.
On August 30, 1990, my son was born. I don’t remember the date I went to finalize the adoption, but on that day he officially became their child. They had already adopted a beautiful Asian girl. I remember her running around flashing her sweet smile.
They have kept in touch with my parents and I, sending updates yearly. I was blessed to see the children grow.
This year my son will be 21 years old. When I was younger, I used to think what life would have been like had I not given him up for adoption. But then I think of this family and know that I made the best decision. God had a family in mind when he put this family together and it involved my son.
I married in 1992. I met him while I was pregnant with my son. One of the wonderful things about my husband was that he never judged me for getting pregnant. He loved me for who I was. Just a year after our first wedding anniversary, our first daughter was born. In 1995, our second daughter was born into our family and then the boys came: 1997, 1998, 2002, and 2004. We are a blessed family.
Date: April 20, 2011
2007- I was a 24 year old soldier in the Army, deployed to Iraq for the second time, separated from my husband for going on two years due to deployments (though we hadn't been doing well anyways). I found out I was pregnant in the middle of my deployment, in the desert, away from my husband. The father and I had already decided that if that was to happen, I would use my R&R (two weeks of leave/vacation to go home) to get an abortion, quietly, and return to duty. No one had to know. I went home fully expecting and planning on killing my child, and returning to Iraq like nothing had happened. Upon de-boarding my final flight home to see my family, I told my mom my situation and my plan and let her know that nothing could stop me.
I couldn't have this baby. I was cheating on my husband, pregnant by another man, in a combat zone. My military unit would certainly prosecute me for adultery if they found out... no amount of reasoning was going to change any of that so my only option seemed clear. I made my appointment with Planned Parenthood, and barreled my way through my vacation, anxious to "just get this over with". But on the day of my first appointment (required counseling), I fell apart.
I couldn't even cancel my appointment on my own. I had to ask a friend to do it for me. I cried, and tried to breathe. I tried to make sense of the "choice" I was making. but I felt relieved. I talked to my child's father, hoping he would share in my new found relief, but he didn't. He was angry, and hateful, refusing to accept my "decision." I knew when I canceled my appointment that my child's father would behave this way, but it didn't matter. He didn't want to speak to me, and I didn't care. I had cared at one time. I did anything I could to avoid his anger previous to this. But now I didn't care at all. The things he said hurt, but they didn't sway my convictions. I was a mother, and I would do anything to protect my child. And the stress of knowing I was jumping into this as a single parent was overshadowed by the peace I felt in my heart.
My unit indeed planned to prosecute me for adultery, but God spared me from that. My child's father and I still do not speak and he has no contact with his son. But my son is/was worth every bit of this madness, and more.
I had been against abortion from the day I learned what it was back in high school. I had protested at abortion clinics. But in my despair, I turned to abortion. Thankfully, God heard my mom's prayers, and the prayers of so many others and my heart was renewed, and I now am doing my part to advocate against abortion in any way I can.
There is nothing in your life, no amount of badness, or bad-timing, that can ever justify taking a life, especially the life of a helpless child. There are answers to your questions, and solutions to your problems. Just take the time to look and take the time to pray. And allow your heart to be softened. Dont let the breaking of your heart and madness of your life end the heartbeat of your child..
Location: Menasha, WI
Date: March 9, 2011
My baby was conceived out of wedlock. Actually, my baby was the product of way worse than that. She was conceived as a result of date-rape. I had a stranger's baby. I was pregnant with a stranger's baby. It was not a "violent" date-rape... I was so intoxicated I barely remember the details of the event, and the man was "nice" to me. He didn't hurt me in any way. However, just the thought of carrying a child inside you, knowing that you did not plan for this, and that it was a stranger... it's hard to wrap your mind around. My parents were not initially that supportive of me. They were extremely disappointed in me, but I was struggling with many things at the time of my baby's conception, and sin had me bound fast. I believe Emma was the answer to my most desperate prayer. God saved me by allowing me to come to the end of myself, and giving me a precious child whom I could love better than I ever loved myself. She is my reason for living now, and without her I would still be lost, I'm sure. So my message to people who are considering having an abortion is this: wait. Consider what the consequences will be to you after you have done this. It can never be undone. It can never be reversed. Once a life is taken, it is final. Please don't live with that regret on your shoulders. It will haunt you until the day you die yourself. Please wait. Think. Consider. Before you act.
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Date: February 26, 2011