I was 19, and my ex-boyfriend and I were and still are in college. Scared, the first person who came to mind was my mom and how poor our family is and how I can't afford to fail her and put her through this. I know she would have done her best to help, but just the thought of failure consumed my mind. However, I knew that I had to tell my boyfriend, and my decision would depend on how supportive he was about it. Without a question, he suggested abortion, and we made the decision to follow through with it. I was six weeks and the procedure itself took only about 5 minutes. I did my best to try to suppress any thoughts about it and avoided thinking about it, to avoid getting attached to the fetus. However, I could not get rid of the lingering thought that it was going to be a boy. We both decided to keep it a secret between us, and he went to the clinic with me. I knew it was going to be hard for us afterward, and I asked him to bear with me and be there for me during this hard time. I wanted us to use this situation as a learning experience, for us to grow together and someday become good parents, because I knew we weren't ready. I want to improve myself so that someday, I CAN be a good parent because I feel like I failed. There's a missing link between the person I was and the person I want to become. At times, I feel like going back to being 20 and doing everything that 20-year-olds do, but I can't because I no longer feel the same. But I try, because I want to hide. But at the same time, I beat myself up for not being responsible, and I wonder If I'll ever be a good parent. I'm lazy and I sit at the computer all day and have no motivation to do anything because I am depressed. The boyfriend, cheated on me 2 weeks after the procedure as an easy way out. I have begged him for emotional support to no avail. Goes to show, that I should have kept my baby and not relied on a man for support. I don't even know if I even believe in relationships anymore. You can't expect a man to protect, provide, or even be a parent... so what CAN you expect? I hope that one day I am able to find myself again, because when you have an abortion, you lose a part of yourself. Because you think you know who you are and what you stand for and what you believe in, but I don't even know who I am or what I am about anymore.
Location: Houston, TX
Date: March 8, 2012