I am writing today because two years after aborting my God given gift, I am once again grieving my one and only son. I got pregnant when I was sixteen years old with twins, and although I was young, there was nothing that would stop me from having my children. And I thank God I did not abort them. They are now three. In August of 2011, I found out I was pregnant. At the time things we not going well with my boyfriend, and I had cheated on him a year before that, and he was still upset. And he was cheating on my during our entire relationship. He even got a girl pregnant many times. Through looking on his phone, I discovered this girl got 7 abortions for him. He even cried to me about the abortions she got. I thought I would never stoop to this level. I moved out with my children and decided to go back to school. The baby’s father begged me to get an abortion. He would tell me anything to kill it. Every time I thought about killing it, I cried and had anxiety attacks. I did my research on abortion and saw pictures of how they did it and everything. My sister also found out and also told me to kill it. With absolutely no support, I gave up. On November 11, 2011, just two days before my daughters birthday, I aborted my one and only son. I was over 20 weeks pregnant. The baby’s father drove me there, and the whole way there I cried, and he didn’t care at all. He yelled at me to give him the directions and said nothing more. When I arrived at the abortion clinic, they took me into a room where the woman explained to me that I had 4 more weeks to make a decision, and I still said yes. They told me that because I had a previous C-Section, they may not be able to do it, because the placenta may be attached. Ao they did an ultrasound. I prayed to God as I laid down on that bed and saw my child on that screen that he would protect him. But the doctor said we could still go through with it, so I did. The abortion was a three-day process because I was so far along. They put sea weed sticks into my vagina, which was very painful, for two days to stretch it. For those two days, my baby kicked and punched, and I still did it. I aborted my child. I became completely depressed as soon as I got home. I cried and said to the father, “my baby is gone; he is not in me, and I don’t have him here with me to hold like you usually would when you have a baby.” I would party and drink and just cry, but this behavior did not last long. I knew I had two children to take care of so I stopped. I became severely depressed for about 8 months. I didn’t know how to be a mother to my daughters anymore, and the father was never home and made this other girl his girlfriend. He would see me cry till my eyes were swollen and never gave two shits. I found it funny because even though all this happened, I graduated college. The father was only 21 at the time, working a job where he made his own hours and made a lot of money so everything would have worked out perfectly if I had him anyway. To make a long story short, the other girl is now pregnant again, with a boy, and through looking at his Facebook messages, he says to her, “I don’t want u to kill it u shouldn’t do that” and “I feel so bad for you, you know I got you if anything.”
I am sad, disappointed in myself. I feel like life is a dream, like why is this even allowed? Abortion should not even be an option! I REGRET MY ABORTION EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE!!!
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Date: April 21, 2013
At age 16, I was married. A few years later I became involved with a married man. We had an affair that produced a daughter, which I passed off as my husband’s child. Our affair lasted 10 years, before my first marriage dissolved and I married this man. During those 10 years I had become pregnant four other times and all four times I aborted them.
It wasn’t long after we married that I became pregnant for the sixth time. Like the others, he pitched a fit and demanded of me that I get rid of this pregnancy too. So, I traveled to Atlanta. I was in my third trimester and Alabama wouldn’t allow an abortion that far along.
I entered the Atlanta abortion clinic. When you go into to these places, all they want to do is get you in and get your money. They sent me in to talk to this lady, and she was supposed to do all of this stuff. However when I met with her, it was the strangest thing. She told me all the things that they would do with my baby. She even showed me where they put the babies after they were aborted. She told me, "don’t do this!" She said, "go back to Alabama and have my baby." That’s what I did. I had a son.
Eventually I knew something was wrong with me. I couldn’t be at peace. There was a constant churning inside of me all the time. I had so much rage that I just wanted to kill everybody. The anger, the rage, and my broken heart were unbearable. Trying to numb my anger and pain, I kept having other extramarital affairs, but I found no satisfaction in a man. I planned my suicide. I wrote letters to each one of my children about how sorry I was for committing suicide and that I loved them, but I just couldn’t take the pain anymore.
But God had a different plan! One day at the library I picked up a free, local Christian magazine. I ran across this article asking, "Do you need healing from your abortions?" There was a telephone number listed, and though I struggled, I called the number.
I am healed and able to forgive myself for murdering my children. I came to know our sweet, precious Savior and learned how amazing it is that He shed His blood for us. He, alone, can take you in His arms and wipe all the stains away.
Location: Millbrook, AL
Date: April 17, 2013
The medical procedure of having an abortion may be over in a matter of a few minutes, but the effects can last a lifetime. You may think you know what I’m about to say, but you don’t know my story. I decided to share it because my heart bleeds for the many, many women, children and families that are affected as a result of having an abortion. It’s far more complex than what you might believe.
My beliefs have changed over time. I want to share my testimony of what I went through as a result of abortion and how my experience changed my perspective on this controversial subject. My reasons for being pro-choice were based largely on fears and ‘what ifs’ of possible scenarios that convinced me I needed an out in case I found myself at some point in my life with an unwanted pregnancy. I understand that this is a very personal situation for every woman that finds herself pondering the question of whether or not to terminate a pregnancy. It is not my intention to offend anyone or cause anyone to feel guilty for choices they may have already carried out; however, if I can help a person to have a different outlook on their situation, perhaps it can save a life.
I do not speak as one who is unfamiliar with the choice of whether or not to abort a pregnancy. I had one myself as a 16 year old, but I can honestly say it was motivated by fear, not faith. I didn’t have the courage to tell my parents, and I knew my step father would react horribly. I was afraid to find out what the result of honesty would bring, and so I kept the secret until I could find a way to terminate the pregnancy. I had no other adults in my life I felt I could trust, and was not really aware of where to look for help or other options in my small town. I had wanted to keep the child and raise it, yet I found myself at a dead end with no apparent solutions. Truthfully, I was too afraid to try. I was terrified and didn’t know what to do, and another woman who had had an abortion told me it was the practical thing to do to insure I had a chance at a decent future. I grasped that little lifeline of hope and believed at the time I was making the right decision. I was so wrong. Had I known then what I know now, I would have absolutely chosen to do something different.
At first, after I had the procedure done, I felt relief. I thought my problem had gone away. What I didn’t count on was the whole host of other problems that kept coming long after it was over. The truth of what I’d done haunted me for years. I lost friends that did not share my same viewpoint on the subject. Others who had pretended to be friends, gossiped and some called me horrible names reminding me of my crime. I even found notes in my school locker calling me a baby killer. I felt like I was made a spectacle of in front of my peers and I was deeply embarrassed. I felt like everyone in my small town knew my sin, and many did. Someone called to anonymously inform my mother of what I had done. Members of my family shamed me when they found out about my secret. Even the doctor left me with a huge guilt trip telling me about how I was going to ‘pay the price.’ Doctors today would probably not say such a thing, but this one did. He was so right. I paid a huge price and had no idea the amount of fall out that one decision would bring.
My life prior to the abortion wasn’t exactly what I would call healthy or happy as my home life was pretty dysfunctional, but afterward it only got worse. My spirit was left broken and battered. I had no remedy for the emotional issues. I tried counseling and all I got was more labels, a host of prescriptions and no real inner healing. I did not know Christ and would not know Him for many more years to come. A broken spirit will cause a person to do things they would not choose if they didn’t suffer from grief and despair. Inwardly I felt like I was falling apart yet because I could not show it openly, I suppressed it. Silent grieving became this tangled web of pain, depression, anger, and conflict. No one warned me that the emotional pain would snowball into bigger and bigger issues. Maybe for some women it doesn't, but for me, it did.The painful effect of all that inward turmoil would bring enormous guilt and regret as I looked for love in wrong relationships, tried to numb my emotions with alcohol and drugs, and the never ending string of bad choices that caused my life to spin out of control for quite a number of years. Somewhere in between all this there was a marriage, the birth of my daughter and a divorce, all completed by the time I was 22. I was a single mother with a two year old, struggling to make ends meet for many years. Life was difficult but not once did I ever regret the birth of my daughter. She was the best thing in my life. I had never felt a love so intense for anyone as I loved her. I felt badly that she went through all that dysfunction with me, but I loved her more than life itself. In the end, I believe it was her love and prayers that saved my life. You see, sometimes we’re the ones to save a child’s life, and sometimes they are there to save ours.
At thirty-two I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior but was no where close to being emotionally healed on the inside. That became a long process of healing one layer at a time. More years passed and I had long forgotten about the pain of my youth. Many years later I re-married, had two young children and at the time God 'suddenly' and unexpectedly showed up, I was 43 years old. Our family had just gone through a long period of financial instability and had relocated to California from Florida. I tell you all this to let you know that it was just an ordinary day when all of a sudden the Lord showed up and decided to deal with all those years of suppressed emotional pain. It was buried so deep I didn't even know it was still there. It was Mother’s Day, 2009, and I received the surprise of my life. My husband and I were getting ready to go to church and as he was in the shower, he heard the Lord speak to him. As we were getting in the car, he told me that the Lord had a word for me. I asked him to share it. My husband began by telling me that he had no particular thoughts about anything as he showered, and that what he heard was certainly not from his own thoughts. He told me he was absolutely clear it was God. I pressed him to tell me, curious what on earth the Lord wanted me to know. Norm said, “The Lord said that your son, who is 28, wanted to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day, to let you know, ‘it’s ok,’ and he will see you again one day.” Well, I really came unglued and I burst into tears. My husband knew that I had had an abortion when I was younger, but I had never gone into much detail about it. So I instantly knew there was no way on earth he could have come up with the age of that child. I had to quickly do the math, and sure enough, the child I had aborted when I was 16 would have been 28 that year. I was stunned. I grieved and grieved and finally let out all the pain I had suppressed for so many years. I cried for two days straight. I grieved over the fact that the child I had written off as dead was still very much alive in heaven. How do you explain that to another person? Nothing sounds like a good reason for why you made the choice to end someone else's life if you have to explain it to them. You see, abortion is something that many women can do in private and think they got away with it, but nothing is actually secret when it comes to the reality of heaven as our witness. Do you have any idea how it feels to be confronted with the fact that you were so selfish that your own comfort and convenience was more important than someone else's life? Try explaining that to the person that just showed up to let you know they were still alive. Neither the Lord nor my son asked for an explanation, but the thoughts went through my mind just the same. No earthly judge or jury convicted me. They didn’t have to. I was very convicted and I felt guilty. Absolutely horrible. I can’t even explain how sick I felt about my own actions all those many years before. You see, you can try to forget, but your spirit knows your guilt and your spirit wants to know your sin is forgiven. I had brushed it under the rug with all those other sins when I accepted Christ as my Savior, but I guess God knew better than I did that I needed to deal with old issues in order to be truly healed from it. He wants to go deep, and He will go as far back as necessary so that we can be made whole. I grieved over the fact that I had never had the consideration to give this child a name or allow him the chance to fulfill his destiny. And yet, I knew he was telling me that he forgave me for that selfish act. Not only did he forgive me, but he wanted me to forgive myself. He wanted me to know that he was ok and someday we would be together again. What a comfort! I can only give hope to other women because of the fact that I am 'in Christ.' I know that because Jesus is my Savior, my sins are truly forgiven. I can offer hope to other women who have done the same thing I did, because even when we do the wrong thing on purpose, God can forgive that sin and make us whole again if we are willing to confess it to the Lord. I can offer hope to other women because I know that without a shadow of doubt that even when a baby's life has ended here on earth, I know with all assurance that they are very much alive in heaven. Aborted babies. miscarried babies, children that have left this earth prematurely are certainly in heaven with Jesus, and if we continue to remain 'in Christ' we have the assurance that we will be reunited with them again; but it doesn't mean that we should use that as a comfort to excuse our own responsibility towards valuing life and taking care to preserve it.
After all the crying, praying and asking God to send a message back to the son I never knew I had, I was finally able to forgive myself. I knew in my heart that was one of the things the Lord wanted me to gain from this encounter, but I believe there is so much more as a witness and a testimony to be shared with others, too. I had been 12 weeks along when I'd had the abortion. No one can tell me that life does not begin at conception. A 12-week old fetus is a human being and has every right to life as much as someone that has already been been born. It is still a child, even if it is not yet completely formed and viable outside of the womb. That child has a mind, is forming thoughts and emotions and has the spirit of life within them. I told the Lord I didn’t know what He called him, but I wanted to finally give him a name after all those years. I named him Justice. I gave him a name that was significant of what I had taken from him. I felt I owed him that. The Bound4Life red tape movement is a silent, peaceful protest that has gained a great deal of attention, advocating prayer to help stop abortion. The red tape signifies the cries of children whose voice has been silenced. But my hope is for women to find places to share their testimonies of why their experiences have changed their perspective on this issue. We need to be a voice for those innocent lives that have their voice taken away from them. Babies enduring the pain of abortion cannot be heard. Justice has a voice. Imagine my surprise as Justice spoke that day on Mother's Day 2009. He used his voice to tell the Lord to give a message to me; a message of forgiveness, healing and hope. And now I offer you, the reader, the same message of forgiveness and mercy from our loving Father. He is very intentional to extend an olive branch of peace and He wants to heal us from our wounds.
I write this to help other women take a new look at their convictions for being pro-choice. Perhaps it is time to look for a new perspective on an old argument. I don’t believe the majority of women who choose abortion do so because they want to; I think they do so out of fear. Fear that they aren’t able to care for that child, fear of becoming a parent or fear of a lot of unanswered questions. Instead of focusing on fear, perhaps you could focus on a whole new set of ‘what ifs.’ Perhaps there is someone reading this right now and you are pondering your options. What if this child has been sent to you because God saw something in you that you can’t see in yourself, something this child will greatly benefit from? What if this is an opportunity to have your heart and life changed forever by the unconditional love of a child? What if this child will someday save you? What if this child in your womb is destined for great works someday in their future? What if this child could only become the person they need to become, are destined to become, only by coming through your womb, and the unique life experiences that can only be attributed to your specific family and circumstances that pertain to your life? What if God chose you to raise this child and trusts you with a job no one else would do quite the same? There are many things to consider. Understandably, not all women conceive a child in love. Some are not given a choice, if a predator makes prey of them. It is a most difficult dilemma to try to decide what to do if a woman finds herself pregnant by someone that she despises or has been used to hurt her. Yet, even in the worst of situations, there is opportunity to look for a different perspective on the issue if a person is willing to yield to God and allow their heart to be changed. Apart from God, yes, many things would seem to be an impossible task. But with God all things become possible. In our weakness God can give us strength to do what we can not do on our own. Perhaps what is viewed as an unwanted pregnancy is an opportunity to change a destiny. To be a life giver instead of one who destroys life. Perhaps what the enemy meant for harm is an opportunity to allow God to turn something bad into a testimony of His goodness. Sometimes the greatest gift of life and blessing comes out of tragedy, darkness and despair. Perhaps you have that opportunity now. I implore you to please consider everything I have shared through my own testimony. You have an opportunity to make a difference in another person’s life. Think of the many people who would embrace the chance to love and nurture a child and give them opportunity to fulfill their God-given right to life and destiny. God can take any mess and turn it into a miracle if He is just given the chance!
We live in a nation that demands our freedoms and takes many of them for granted. The demand for free choice and women’s rights to decide are in the foremost arguments on pro-life or pro-abortion. We have political leaders that will change their convictions on any given moment as long as it helps their political career path and gets them votes for popularity. We live in a society that has given their approval, whether by vote or by silence, that human life is expendable upon our whims as long as it doesn’t inconvenience us. We have become so desensitized to the injustice of the crimes against humanity that we fail to see our own guilt, and the shame and reproach that it brings upon us as a nation. No society, culture or race, and certainly no individual can live as they please without consequence. Political leaders, judges and lawmakers seem willing enough to sell us out to the enemy and give people the lawlessness they demand, but one day each one of us must stand before God and be held accountable to the just Judge in all of heaven and earth. There is no such thing as decisions without consequence. It’s not about what the law permits or even what others might agree with as an acceptable way to deal with a difficult choice. Other nations know us for what we allow, and what we take a stand against. I do not want other nations to know us for our selfishness and lack of conscience. This is about America regaining it’s conscience, to be known as a nation that is compassionate and places value on human life. I am willing to take a stand on the issue even if it’s not the popular decision at the moment. I cannot pretend that the child I aborted sent me that message in vain. There was purpose to it, as a message to be shared with others. Any sin can be forgiven as long as we bring it to Jesus and allow His blood to wash us clean. We can be reunited with children we have aborted, if we will just hold on to Jesus until the day we are sent home. But in the time we have left, someone has to be a voice crying out against injustice. Someone has to speak up on behalf of the children that are being deprived of life and destiny. It is not ours to take. Maybe if we all speak loud enough, together we can change the course of history.
Location: Escondido, CA
Date: April 15, 2013
I live in London and 3 years ago, at the mature age of 29 years old, I had an abortion. I can number several reasons here why it seemed like the best thing to do at the time: financial situation, my boyfriend, my living conditions, complete ignorance of benefits and help, etc, and so I legally looked for help in a termination clinic. I was 3 weeks pregnant at the time, and the appointment was booked for a couple of days later. I didn’t have any physical problems following the procedure, but as soon as it was over, I knew something terrible would happen to me. I knew I rushed into the decision and couldn’t stop thinking what a terrible thing I’ve done. I had the feeling that I was going to be punished for my act and the strong sensation that I had deviated my path in life—as if I had run away from myself and was incapable of finding my way back. Coming from a Catholic family, I started to pray for forgiveness and practice meditation. Two years later, I was starting to feel a little better about myself, but the feeling that something really bad would happen because of the abortion never left my heart and my thoughts. A couple of months ago, I was diagnosed with a very rare type of Cancer on my spine and the first thing that popped into my mind when I received the result was: I have caused this through the abortion. There is no proved medical relation between the abortion and the Cancer, but in my heart I know. I know that it is a consequence of my own action. I’ve been through a surgery and now need radiotherapy. It is a life threatening illness, and I would rather not go through too many details specifically about it. All I want to do is create awareness. Don’t rush into the decision of having an abortion. Look for help, information, think, talk, pray if you believe, meditate if you like, and look for the answers inside yourself. Don’t do what I have done, don’t panic. Things happen at the right time, even if you can’t see right now. Trust yourself. I really wish I had had my baby.
Location: London, UK
Date: April 12, 2013
In 1992 I requested the medical records regarding the death of my first child. She died when I was 17. The news was heartbreaking. In 1970, abortion was illegal, so the state where I lived had exceptions and protocol. I had to go to a psychiatrist to prove that I would be an unfit mother, thus justifying an abortion. Based on his recommendation, the abortion was finalized. My mother arranged everything and explained the conditions to me. I believed I was proven unfit. I agreed to have my baby killed, not really knowing I was killing her. I thought she was just a blob.
In 1974, I did it again. I killed my son. I lived almost in a zombie state during most of high school. I married in 1971, and looking back, I was very immature and dependent on others for everything. I believed anything. I believed I was unfit to have children and was proven to be a an unfit mother. I did wonder how exactly that was determined.
A few days after my birthday, in 1992, I called the psychiatrist. I never forgot his name. I could barely breathe as I spoke; he was retiring and remembered me. I nearly threw up while talking to him. I asked him what actually determined a young girl to be an unfit mother; how did he make that conclusion about me? He was silent. I was silent. He spoke to only ask for my address and offered to send my records. He told me to call him if I need to talk or if I had any questions about my records.
As I read his report, his comments about me were so kind. He recommended further therapy which I never got or knew was recommended. The majority of the four page document was about my mother and her determination to terminate my pregnancy. He mentioned his concern for me and the baby being in the care of my mother, that she would not be a support to me. He concluded that for my age, I was infantile and unrealistically made dependent by my mother. His recommendation was if the pregnancy was to go full term, I would fair better finding a support system outside the home of my mother.
I have never spoken of this to anyone until now. I have forgiven myself. I named my children and think of them often. It was not until I attended a state fair, in 1975, that I realized my children were murdered and felt the pain of being murdered. On a very back wall at the fair were huge pictures of aborted babies in buckets, body parts in metal trays—the shame of it all.
I knew I was making the wrong choice, while flat on my back, thinking I had no choices and waking in a room full of crying women. Then after an hour or so in recovery, I found myself walking out through a lobby full of men smoking and watching TV.
Date: April 8, 2013
At the age of 15, I thought I was in love with this guy from high school. He convinced me to be intimate with him and after our first sexual encounter, I became pregnant. I was terrified. I didn't know how to tell my mother but she somehow already knew. She told me that I could not have this baby so she took me to a clinic. I still remember the smell. I remember laying on that table not really knowing what to expect. I was given some medicine and told to count backwards and the next thing I know I'm in another room "recuperating." I was young, so I didn't ask a lot of questions. I still don't know a lot of the details, but when I think back on it, I know that it was wrong in every way. There's not even an abortion clinic in my area. And because of this abortion (that I desperately tried to talk my mother out of), I can't have children. It breaks my heart every day.
Date: April 7, 2013
I was 19 when I had an abortion. I was in the Army. I was finally so happy after 7 years of being depressed and suicidal. I wanted someone to share my life with. I was dating someone who was abusive, and I didn't tell him I was pregnant. The people I was in the Army with were happy for me. My roommate had gotten pregnant and her whole family was happy for her. I had given the baby a gender so as not to call the baby an "it." I made the mistake of telling my sister-in-law. She told my brother who worked with another brother and my father. The next thing, I knew my family called harassing me, calling me a whore, a tramp, a slut, and a horrible disappointment. Then they called and switched their tactic. In a reversal of psychology, they asked me to come home to NJ, saying we would discuss it as a family; we didn't have to make a decision, we would discuss all options. I was duped. I got off of work at 5 pm and drove the 7 hours to NJ. I didn't have anything to eat during my drive home. I arrived home to a tribunal. One of my brothers, my mother and my father were sitting at the kitchen table. The house was completely dark except for the one light over the kitchen table where they sat. It was about midnight. They refused to allow me to eat (unbeknownst to me they had made an appointment for an abortion). No matter what I said, it was wrong. My brother told me no man would want my child from another man. My father kept saying that my 8-week pregnancy was "nothing, just a clump of cells." My brother said the abortion was no big deal, that his girlfriend had one, and she was fine. I told my family I didn't believe in abortion. They threw my premarital sex in my face. My mother kept crying that I was a huge disappointment. They told me my oldest brother, whom I respected, would not talk to me; he was ashamed of me. They told me that if my grandparents found out, they would have a heart attack. I told them I could put the baby up for adoption and was shot down that no one would want the baby. They only cared about their reputation, since they believed that every girl in my position was a whore. There were no right answers and none of what I said mattered. This tribunal went on for about 3 hours; I was exhausted. I went to bed and every 30 minutes, either my mother, my father, or my brother would open my bedroom door and flip on the light and ask me if I "made my decision." The next morning, I was exhausted from lack of sleep and I was again denied food. I felt totally drained and defeated. I conceded just to get them off my back. They drove me to a clinic in Englewood Cliffs. I remember telling the "doctor" I was killing my baby and he told me to shut up. The medicine they put into my IV burned. I woke up in recovery feeling horrid. The nurse told me that I was not to use tampons, that the blood was not my period. There was a young girl in there, maybe 16. We hugged and cried. My parents and brother never apologized for their actions. Whenever someone would be dealing with the rigors and difficulties of parenthood, or a story would be in the news of a child being abused, my mother's response was, "They should have done something about that. They should have taken care of that"—meaning they should have just aborted that child. As if you have an abortion and just go about your business as usual. I'm 47 now, married with 2 children, ages 21 and 12. We are in the process of adopting a boy who is 13. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my first child. I work in public high school and I see many pregnant teenage girls. When they tell me how happy their families are for them, I thank God for that, and I tell them how truly blessed they are. I believe God works all things for good. So, my takeaway from my abortion experience is this: I can be compassionate and loving to girls and young women who've made a horrible "choice." I can understand where they've been. I can also tell my students (and have) that she isn't the first girl to get pregnant at 16 and she won't be the last. When my daughter was 19 she became pregnant. She was scared and afraid to tell me and her dad. I told her my abortion story and I was able to tell her that we are here for her. My granddaughter turned a year old yesterday!
Date: March 28, 2013
I had an abortion on the 21st of March, 2013. I regretted it before, during and now. I didn't have a say in what I wanted to do. My mother said, "this is what you will do," and as much as my boyfriend and I told her our plans, she would pass them off as "stupid." During that time, I couldn't stop my self from going to extremes to get some memory om my baby, a 13-week, 4-day old who I named Amy. I looked in my medical file and took a picture of the sonogram to have a little piece of her back. But all that dosen't repair the amount of hurt and sorrow that I feel. My boyfriend had so many plans with Amy. Now they are all gone and only bring tears to our eyes. After the abortion, I didn't remember much because I was sedated and probably passed out, but the emptiness inside me grows each and every day. My boyfriend and I will continue to be together although one child will be missing from every single picture we take. Our lives changed the moment I walked into that room and said my name, birthday, and reason. I regret not standing my ground on behalf of my little Amy. Forever in my heart, Amy Elizabeth.
Location: Houston, TX
Date: March 23, 2013
I had an abortion in high school. I didn't know how to explain how I felt or what I was feeling, but it wasn't familiar. Now I explain it as being raped. I took my clothes off, I was put under during the surgery, then I woke up in another bed with my clothes on. Who put my clothes on? Who put me in this bed? What happened during surgery? I was young and didn't ask these questions. I just left the clinic, picked up my medicine, then went to bed. I became very sensitive to pregnancy. I got pregnant from a long-time partner. I knew the moment he was conceived. I wanted to have an abortion, but I couldn't. I wanted to give him up for adoption, but I couldn't. I had a neighbor who volunteered to take him until I could raise him, but I couldn't give him up at all. My partner and I split up, and he took our son. That was in 2004; I still have not seen him. I got pregnant by my husband and I had a miscarriage. I got pregnant again by my husband and due to the strife in my life, I had an abortion. I got pregnant again, and due to the horrible living circumstances, I had an abortion. I got pregnant again and when I went to the abortion clinic, the nurse asked how I realized I was pregnant because it was so early in the pregnancy. I couldn't have that baby. My life was awful, and the child I did have is not in my life. What will he think when I gave him up and had other children? I had another abortion. It didn't matter anyway, it's not even formed into anything. It's like an egg yoke, a blob, no life, nothing. That's the lie I repeatedly told myself. These are the lies I repeatedly told myself, "My life is unknown, my life is awful, I'm aborting it before it becomes life. It's nothing. What will my son think if I have a child after I gave him up to his father?" I was baptized and confirmed into the church. I committed sins, and now I am cleansed. That's another lie. I was having dinner with my husband, in a public restaurant, when a gentleman approached me and said, "you had multiple abortions." The spirits of my children follow me. I imagine these beautiful little people following me around waiting for me to tell them why I cut their life short. I didn't give them a chance to live. I didn't give our lives together a chance. I just cut them out of my body, I cut them out of my life and now they follow me around. I pray for them. I talk to them. I tell them that I'm stupid. I tell them I'm sorry for their lives. I tell them that I love them. I ask for them to forgive me. Please don't have an abortion. There's always another answer.
Date: March 19, 2013
Date: March 16, 2013
I have two children who are 8 & 17. I've also had three abortions. Although I believe it's a personal choice to make for a woman, I don't think enough is explained about the emotional/mental issues that can occur after an abortion, especially in a woman who was not or still is not confident that abortion was the right thing to do but ended up having one. Having the child and raising it isn't easy either. It's a hard, unappreciated "job," literally 24 hours a day for 18 plus years. There just needs to be more education on the reality of both, plus on adoption also (I was adopted as a baby and have had some issues regarding being an adoptee). So obviously, in some situations no answer/decision is the perfect or even good one. So I guess that means to avoid putting yourself in the situation of having to choose one of those. Easier said than done of course, but thats not reality. I regret the abortions I had. I wish I never had to make that decision. I could have/should have avoided it. I don't regret having my children. My circumstances were far from perfect and still could be better even now, but they are my babies, my life purpose through good and bad.
Date: March 6, 2013
I was 17 when I found out I was pregnant. Just after graduating high school. I remember being in complete shock, even though I hadn't been taking birth control. I was so naive; I was one of those girls that thought "it wasn't going to happen to me." I was in absolute denial when I took the pregnancy test. I figured it had to be a fluke, so I went to a health clinic to have a test done. When they confirmed I was pregnant, I had my breakdown. I couldn't stop the tears. I remember the nurse shaking her head and saying, "Only 17." I was terrified of everyone else viewing me in the same way. All I could think about was the disapproval of my family and friends, and being unsuccessful in life because of getting pregnant so young. I was beside myself, and so scared. I really didn't have anyone to talk to about this at the time. I didn't have any relationship with my parents; they were alcoholics and wrapped up in their own life problems. I was turning 18 in a few weeks, and I decided that an abortion was the only choice that I had. I made the appointment, and in the weeks before I just tried to not think about what I was doing, I tried to tell myself that when it was over things would be okay, and I would get my life back on track. I did not research anything, and I didn't talk to anyone about it other than one friend. The day that I went to that clinic will be a vivid memory forever with me. I cried because I didn't want to do it, but I was so scared that I didn't see any other way. I was 7 weeks. I remember just before going through with it, my heart telling me to just run away, to not do this. But I did it anyway.
After the abortion, I became numb. I tried to block it out of my memory for quite a few years. I actually tried to deny that it happened, justify it, and avoid the pain that I buried very deeply. But it would just creep up on me, more and more. I sought out counseling about 5 years after this, and it did give me a chance to grieve, to apologize to my unborn child, and face the permanence of what I had done. I have tried many times to forgive myself for this. Some days are better than others. What I know now is that things would have been okay. I would have had to deal with people talking about it for a while. I would have the disapproval for a while, but that would have faded away. But my decision is something I can never take back. I wish more than anything that I would have had someone to help me see this at the time. I wish I would have sought out support and given myself enough time to see that I still could have gone for what I wanted out of life, it just would have been a little harder, maybe a different path. I do not share my story very often, but I will if it can help someone else realize that in the end, the pain and regret of going through with an abortion is far worse than going through with an unplanned pregnancy. There are other options. I cannot judge anyone who has made the decision to have one, because I know the fear and feeling of helplessness that can lead someone to think it is the only way. But I know that for me personally, no matter how many years pass, this will always be a painful decision that I carry with me, and look back on so regretfully, knowing that I can never take it back.
Date: March 4, 2013
I did not have a good upbringing. My mother suffered with depression and my father did not know how to show love. I suffered through a lot of verbal abuse and neglect. I led a very rebellious life while I was in high school. I craved for attention since I was not getting what was needed at home. I remember counting down the days until I would turn 18, just to not live at home anymore. While I was attending college I met the guy of my dreams. So I thought. He was very good looking, intelligent, and came from a very well to do family. He was my everything. My God. We partied all the time. However, after a few months of going out, he started to hit me. I thought it was wrong, but I still stayed with him. I remember having a huge bruise on my arm. The size of a grapefruit. I had to hide it and I only told a few of my friends. He always promised me he would stop. He would for 6-12 months. Eventually it would start up again. It was a cycle that was never ending. This was when I developed an eating disorder. I started to exercise and weigh myself all the time. My eating disorder was keeping me "strong." After two years of going out with him, I became pregnant. I was 20 years old at the time. All I remember was crying and hating myself for letting this happen. My boyfriend was all in for an abortion, and so was I. I did not want to become fat, and I did not want to stop partying. So, I had an abortion. The process was very painful. However, I felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. That is what Satan was telling me at the time. My boyfriend graduated from college a year after my abortion. I moved to the Milwaukee area with him since that was where he was from. He found a job and I was going to school full-time, taking on a lot of credits. He always found a reason to party. I, on the other hand, was focusing more on school. When I moved, I felt so alone. I did not have any friends because, I was going to a new college. I also felt defeated. He was still hitting me, and I was still relying on my eating disorder to get me through. I went back home a lot to visit with my friends. During that time, I cheated on him. I did not want to be with him anymore. I broke up with him and left all of my "material things" that his parents bought for me and moved back home. I moved back in with my parents. I was moving from a bad situation to another bad situation. During this time I met my husband. It was love at first sight. He treated me with respect, and he would never hit me. I moved to the Rockford area to be with him. We were together for a year and two months and I found out I was pregnant. When I found out, I cried. I told him that I felt the urge to keep the baby. It was not an urge but God. We moved into a house, got married and I had my daughter. What a blessing she is. I could not imagine my life without her. When my daughter was almost two, I wanted to try for another baby. So this time after I took the pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant, I was crying of HAPPINESS! I was 8 months pregnant when my husband's family's business almost burned to the ground. It was a horrible time for him. A month later his dad passed away. My youngest daughter was born a month afterwards. It was very bittersweet. After everything happened, my husband worked very hard to get the business off the ground. I was a "stay at home mom" who was more of a single parent. A year after my father in-law died, I found out that my father had lung cancer and he had 6 months to live. This was during a time in my life that I actually reached out to God. I asked Him for strength and help. My father was on hospice care the last 6 months of his life. I took care of him, and I forgave him. After my father's death, we started going to a Lutheran Church. My girls and I were both baptized. I found that I was reaching out more to God. However, I did not have God in my heart. In 2008 through 2010, my husband's company was making a great deal of money. I started to work for my husband in 2007. During this period of time my husband was going through a lot of ups and downs… he was depressed. Since the company was doing well we spent money like water. It was selfishness, greed, and power. We were going to church on and off. I later found out I was pregnant. I was not planning this, and it was a complete shock. The first thing I thought of was myself. I did not want to give up my job. I did not want to go through being pregnant again. I had an abortion. It was horrible. I cried and cried. I was helpless. After I had the abortion, my husband's company lost a huge account. My husband and I were the verge of divorce, and EVERYTHING was going wrong. God was punishing me for taking away a life. Yes, a life! A life that was put there by God. A little while after that time I met one of my neighbors one house down from me… she planted a seed in my heart. She asked if we wanted to join book club with them and another couple. I was all up for it! During that summer, I noticed a change. God was working on my heart. I stopped cursing, I stopped my selfish greedy acts, and I finally felt at peace. She told me that I had to read the book Redeeming Love. After 5 months, I finally downloaded it onto my Ipad. It changed my life even more. I think that was when I gave God my heart… God gave me the forgiveness that I was asking for all these years. Giving my life to God and having the Holy Spirit in your heart is such a profound feeling. I would always ask, "Why me Lord? Why??" Now I know why. God forgives all who ask for forgiveness. He wants us to come to Him. I was so blinded for so many years. Now I know who is my rock. My life is not PERFECT and God challenges me every day. However, I keep praying and reading my Bible. I want all the women who read my story to know that they are not alone and God will forgive you. You are the one who has to make the first move.
Location: Rockton, IL
Date: February 28, 2013
I'm 19 years old and I had an abortion a little over two weeks ago. I've been dating my boyfriend for five months and am a freshman in college. My mother is probably the most conservative Christian woman in the world, and I used to think I was too. I was always against abortion. I never thought I would ever do something like that until it happened. At first, I was in shock (about the pregnancy), but I never even considered abortion. My boyfriend was supportive, said he wanted me to keep it, but also said that he will be there for me either way. Unfairly, I wanted him to TELL me to keep it. I wanted him to feel more strongly about his decision. I wanted to keep it, but I started to think about how I have literally no money, and my family doesn't either, and the stress I would put on my single mother who has been through enough. I was so afraid and alone and couldn't tell anyone, and I decided to call Planned Parenthood and schedule an appointment, just in case.
I thought I'd just change my mind and not even show up. I was told they only do abortions on Thursday, and the next Thursday would be Valentine's day. I ended up being so confused and rushed and afraid that I went into that clinic on Valentine's day—how ironic. I didn't want to wait another week and have my baby grow even more and then decide not to keep it so I rushed into a choice. The wrong choice. My boyfriend and I missed classes that day and walked about a mile there.
It was sunny every day that month until the day of my abortion. It was so gloomy outside. Right before reaching Planned Parenthood, we passed a church, and the sign on the church said, "Every child has a place in God's plan." I began to cry because I knew in my heart that that was a sign. I knew I was making the wrong choice, but I was so afraid and thought this option would have the least consequences for the people I loved. I figured I'd be the only one to suffer the guilt and regret, while my family and boyfriend could go on with their lives without me ruining it with my immature selfish decision to have sex before marriage.
When I walked into the clinic and signed in, it began to rain heavily. Another sign, we both whispered to each other. My boyfriend and I sat in our chairs studying all of the other girls in there who were also getting abortions. I saw a young girl there with her mother and felt so sorry for her because I could tell it wasn't her choice to kill her child, it was her mother's. And I thought about how my mother, if she knew, would NEVER even consider doing this to me or my baby. When they called my name for the ultrasound I was so nervous. She asked me if I wanted to hear about alternative options to abortion, but when I told her "yes,"she just handed me a pamphlet and continued telling me about how the abortion would go. I was five weeks, six days pregnant and decided to take the abortion pill. If that wasn't an option, I would definitely have never even considered not keeping my baby because the surgical abortion somehow seemed so much worse to me. Either way, it's still taking an innocent life.
When I finally went into the office with the doctor, she said flatly, "if you're sure you want to do this, go ahead and take this pill now" and then gave me further instructions for the four other pills I'd have to take at home the following day. I took it and tried not to think too much into it. The whole day it just felt so surreal. I turned my feelings off for it and I wish I would've LET myself consider the right thing and listened to my heart.
I felt no different, except less nausea the next morning. When it came time to take the four pills that would empty my uterus. I was SO nervous. I took the recommended pain killers and anti-nausea pills, waited 30 minutes and then put those four little pills in my cheeks. It was 5:00. My boyfriend was there with me and neither of us had any idea what was coming next. The pills started to dissolve and I ran to the bathroom and vomited violently for about ten minutes. I locked my boyfriend out of the bathroom and jumped in the shower, I put my hand down there and felt myself start to bleed. After about 3 minutes in the shower I began to feel dizzy and I called out for my boyfriend.
When he walked into the bathroom, I told him I needed to go to a hospital, and he called the emergency hotline number they gave us. While he was on the phone, I saw a bright light, my hearing went completely out, and I passed out on the floor. After a couple minutes I awoke, and my hearing returned. My boyfriend told me they said the on-call wasn't answering but that they'd call back in 30 minutes. They never did, so we called again and were told it's normal and that I'll be okay. I ran into the bedroom and put my heating pad on. It didn't help at all. I was having VIOLENT contractions and the pain medicine did not help whatsoever. For 5-6 hours I laid in bed, dizzy, moaning and screaming in pain while I contracted and bled profusely. Finally, at around midnight I took another nausea pill and another Tylenol and ate some spaghetti and felt a little better but still felt the contractions. I tried to watch a movie but ended up falling asleep.
The next morning, the pain was gone for the most part, but I felt like a different person completely. I felt emotionless. Empty. I couldn't cry, I couldn't talk. I thought I was going to die that night. And I sort of wished that I had. My boyfriend cries about it all the time now, and so do I. I constantly read other people's stories about their regret and it makes me feel less alone. I would be seven weeks and two days today. All I can think about is my baby. What it would have looked like, how I wish I had a big belly with a happy, lively little kicking baby inside of it. I never even wanted kids and now I feel so much like I need to have one, to replace the loss of my first child. I am only 19, and I know that this is going to affect me for the rest of my life. I feel like it ruined me. Someday, when I have a baby, how can I be happy. How can I be the best parent I cab be knowing this was supposed to be my second child. Knowing I knowingly took the life away from their older brother/sister. I was supposed to love and protect my baby, and I took it's chance to live away. The most innocent thing in the world, who deserves to live more than anyone else, dies because its own mother decided "it was best." How could that be best? If it was the right thing to do, why would I feel so empty? I don't think I will ever be okay again. This has totally changed who I am. If anyone is reading this who is considering abortion, let me tell you. It is never too late to change your mind. No matter what you are worried about, money, parents, your goals, YOU CAN DO IT. Pregnancy doesn't mean your life is over, it just means you're taking a different course. God gave you a blessing, appreciate it. The love you will feel for your child once you hold it on your arms will make you happier than anything else you think you'll be "missing out on" by keeping it. If you weren't supposed to have it, God would not have given you something you couldn't handle. Abortion doesn't just destroy your baby, it destroys you. It breaks your spirit, it changes you, and you're better off having an unplanned baby than killing it. The damage will be much greater. I promise.
Date: February 25, 2013
I have replayed the time in my life when I had an abortion so many times in my head. The last 29 years of my life have been spent with remorse and anger so intense, at times, I can't believe it happened. I was 21 and in a committed relationship when I got pregnant. My boyfriend was a true "mama's boy," and there was no way he was going to let me go through with the pregnancy. Ultimately, it was my decision, made in a haze of alcohol that I used in an attempt to pretend it wasn't happening. As I lay on the table waiting for them to administer the anesthesia, I changed my mind. I told the clinic workers that I couldn't go through with it and tried to get up. The next thing I knew, I was waking up with horrible pain, bleeding through pad after pad. I told the woman in the recovery room that I was bleeding more than what she said I should have been, and she told me to get dressed and go home to relax for the rest of the day. About a week later, I had pain so excruciating, that I can only now describe it as labor pain. After phoning the clinic, I was told to put ice on my belly and elevate my feet. Long story short, I began to hemorrhage uncontrollably. My boyfriend phoned the clinic repeatedly throughout the night and each time we were told specifically to NOT seek medical attention. It was normal they said, it happened sometimes. I laid on the floor in a ball for most of the night, getting myself to the toilet every 1/2 hour or so to pass massive blood clots. Several years later, when I was married and seven months pregnant, I began to hemorrhage and nearly lost my daughter. As it turned out, my uterus had been punctured during the abortion. I am not an overly religious person at all. However, I do know that the lives of my three now grown children began when they were conceived. There was not a moment in time when they were not my babies. I wish my choice had not been taken from me all of those years ago.
Date: February 24, 2013
I'm now a mother of three. I suffered the pain of a miscarriage in 2010, and I have been married since 2005. My abortion was well before I met my husband, 14 years ago. I just couldn't provide the father for that baby that I can for my kids today. My boyfriend at the time was a leech, and I knew I couldn't have a baby with him. But not a month goes by that I don't think about the abortion, or the cold winter day I had it done-- two days after my birthday. A birthday does not pass without my thinking of where I was that fateful day. I count the years, as to how old a child I would have today, and wonder how his or her life would be. An abortion stays with you forever, regardless of the reason for having it done. I wish every person could understand, how the weight of abortion is carried around every day for the rest of their life.
Date: February 21, 2013
I never thought that abortion would affect me. I have always been Pro-Life. I am a father of 4 wonderful children from my first marriage. That marriage ended, and I married a friend of mine. She became pregnant. I was so happy; I can still remember the exact spot I was at when she told me over the phone. I wanted to be a dad again. We were poor and money was tight. But I was still excited to be a father.
I went to my wife's work after I got off work to give her flowers. She was not there. They said she had a medical emergency. I wondered why she would not call me. I called every hospital in the two county area but could not find her. That should have been a huge clue to me. I thought about checking out the abortion clinics, but I thought she would never do that to me. I got a text message telling me she was in the ER, and she had miscarried. I was devastated.
Our relationship soured. She became mean and left. I tried everything I could to save our marriage.
After some time of thinking about it, I knew something had happened so I asked her? She would not give me a straight answer. That is when I knew what happened. A few weeks later she confirmed my worst fear. She had murdered my baby in cold blood and lied about it for 6 months.
I am writing this next to paragraph to my baby, I do not know if it was a boy or girl, but I feel it was a boy and I named it Benjamin. Benjamin, I am so sorry I could not protect you… I was so happy I was going to be your father. You will always have a place in my heart. I regret that I did not see the warning signs. I am sorry your mother did not think about the consequences of her actions. February of 2013 is when you were to be born. I wish I could have saved your life.
To those men out there, here are some warning signs (that the mother of your child might be considering abortion). Remember to keep your eyes open and listen carefully to what your woman is saying or doing. 1) Your woman is very concerned about how you are going to be able to take care of the baby. 2) She is concerned about money and how you can afford the baby. 3) She does not want to talk about baby names. 4) When you put your head down to her stomach to talk to the baby, she get angry. 5) When you bring home baby supplies for the new arrival, it is met with a lack of interest.
I cried my eyes out when she told me she had miscarried and her response to me was, "I do not know why you are so upset. You never even knew it." I now am crying my eyes out for my murdered baby.
It is interesting to me that if a woman wants a baby and the man does not, and he hits her in the stomach and causes the baby to die than he can be held accountable, but if the man wants the baby and the woman does not, then there is nothing a man can do to hold her accountable.
Location: Fort Collins, CO
Date: February 21, 2013
This is the first time that I have told my story. I had an abortion on 1/26/2011. I was 15 weeks pregnant and 17 years old. My boyfriend and I had only been together for 6 months. We really wanted to keep it, and I was extremely excited. I knew right away I was pregnant. The day after my missed period, I was so nauseous and sick and tired. I took about 12 pregnancy tests: all positive. I was one month pregnant and we had only been together three months, but we decided to take responsibility. Our baby was supposed to be born the week of our anniversary, July 27. We would have graduated high school, made plans for me for college, and he had a job. I was a cheerleader and had already quit the team, even though the doctor said that I didn't need to because I was in such good shape. I never actually told my mom, she just figured it out. We never told his parents or family, but a few of our friends knew. Although we were fairly young, my boyfriend and I were ready to own up to the consequences of having sex (we always used condoms, but there is always that 1%* and that was our baby). We already had names for a boy and a girl. My mom and grandma took me to the abortion clinic two times, and both times I refused to get an abortion. By the third time, they had mentally worn me down. They called me things like "whore" and "slut" and said things like, "You can't do it… You won't make it… This thing is just a mistake." And I was so shocked because they were both devout Catholics and I attended a Catholic high school. I was, and still am, very devoted to my faith. I was so strong against their ugly words for about a month, listening to the positive things my boyfriend would say. The third time we went down to the clinic, I did the worst thing that anybody could do: I aborted my baby. I fought so hard, and I just gave up. I let them get to me and in my moment of weakness, I did it. I am 20 years old now. Every single day I regret it. I think about how I should have went to his parents, a teacher, a coach, a counselor, another family member, anyone who could have helped me. My boyfriend and I are still together. He was so hurt when it happened, and I really thought he was going to break up with me, but he didn't. The abortion itself was so painful. I will never wish that pain and pressure on anybody. To top it all off, it was anti-abortion and LIFE week at my high school the week after I had the abortion. My teacher went over all the different types of abortions and step-by-step on how they are done. Even right down to the abortion specialist that I went to in my city. All that pain that I felt when the abortion was done, I was feeling all over again. And I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I did nothing but cry for the next few months. Even now, every once in a while, I cry. I would give anything to have my baby back. I prayed to God, and still do. I went to confession and the priest told me, "God forgives you, now you have to forgive yourself." I know God forgives me, but I don't understand how. I am a murderer. I've tried, but I can't come to forgive myself. My boyfriend forgave me, and I don't know how. I think of how old my baby would be. I don't even know if it was a boy of a girl. I think about what the baby shower, nursery, and birth would have been like. Day-to-day things I could've done with my baby; going to the store, a ride in the car, watching TB, making dinner, going to visit friends and family. Every moment of every day I think about my baby being right here. Today is 2/19/2013 and my baby would have been about 1 year and 7 months. Anyone considering having an abortion, don't do it. Even if you don't want it, give it up for adoption. Don't be afraid to ask anyone else for help if no one is supporting your decision to keep your baby. Life is the best gift and miracle.
Location: New Mexico
Date: February 19, 2013
Today while I was browsing 14-week abortion images I came across your site, and here I am writing about my angel baby (who was aborted at) 14 weeks. I saw his cute little hands and C-shape curve and 2 tiny legs, covered in blood in an aluminum tray on April 9, 2007. To this day, I am still hurting for my aborted baby. I wanted it so much, but no one supported me. Being in India and Mumbai, I was working and I asked my friends to support me. My boyfriend thought it was a big mistake having a baby without tying the knot… I never recovered after aborting. I aborted my boy friend from my heart, my few friends from my life, and my life turned to tears. Right now as I am writing to you all, I am crying for my lost baby. I regret in pain and hurt to this day. Five years later, not a day has gone by that I have not missed my baby. At times when I am in pain, I look at my 14-week unborn baby picture, and I have been called crazy for doing that.
Date: February 18, 2013
I was nineteen years old and had just gotten to North Carolina, where I was serving in the Army when I realized I was pregnant. I had broken up with the guy I was seeing and had only been in the Army for about six months. I had no one to turn to (I was one of two females in an all male unit) and my parents were back in Michigan. I wasn't all that close to them anyway. When I called the clinic in Raleigh, the nurse took my information and told me that I'd have to wait three weeks. When I asked her why, she said that if the tissue wasn't big enough, 'they may not get it all.' I didn't tell anyone about my situation. The only ones I would have been able to tell anyway were my superiors, and they were all men. I could only imagine what they would have thought of me. I also selfishly believed that since I was not ready, willing or able to be a parent, no one else could, would, or should raise my child, so adoption was out of the question for me too. For those three weeks, my baby had a bounty on its head. I took a cab there and back to the clinic by myself. I paid the nurse four hundred dollars, and she did an ultrasound to measure how far along I was (eight weeks). She didn't point out the heartbeat, arms or legs; nothing. The doctor didn't tell me anything either, such as the fact that the machine was loud; it sounded like a Shop-Vac. He told me that it would be uncomfortable, but it hurt. I started crying, and the nurse held my hand out of sympathy. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and it felt unnatural too. I cried on the way home. The cab driver didn't say anything to me. He had picked me up in front of the clinic, so I'm sure he knew what I had done. I managed to stuff that day deep into the furthest corner of my mind, and not even think of it for many years. I even went on to have two more kids after it, but I ended up getting married and divorced twice in about twelve years. I had a lot of anger but couldn't figure out why. I realize now that people would tell me in indirect ways that I was a very negative person to be around. I couldn't seem to find much joy in anything. I was born into a family of lapsed Catholics, and I had found the Baptist faith on my own as a young teenager, but at the time of my abortion, I had not been active for quite a few years. I started dating a 'cradle Catholic' and decided to attend RCIA. I also told him of my abortion, and even though he did not dump me like I thought he would, I could tell that he was horrified. It was during that time that I began to see and understand the magnitude of my decision. I received forgiveness from the Church, but I still could not forgive myself. We married, in 2010, and in 2011, I was pregnant. We moved to Florida from North Carolina that year, and as we drove across the Florida line, a huge billboard greeted me that said '18 days after conception, my heart started beating.' It had a picture of an unborn baby on it as well. I almost drove off the road because I had not known that. That was another nudge at my conscience about my abortion. Shortly after I had my youngest son in January of 2012, I found out I was pregnant again about six weeks later, and I miscarried that one in May. Then, I found out I was pregnant for a third time around the 4th of July. I miscarried again in September. Having those two babies taken from me against my will finally broke me, and I began to grieve for them as well as my aborted baby. I attended a Rachel's Vineyard retreat last December, and I was finally able to face the consequences of my abortion, grieve for and acknowledge that baby, and forgive myself. I still have days where I feel shame and anger towards myself, and I probably always will. If I had known then what I know now, there's no way I would have had that abortion. I would have chosen adoption, but I didn't. I have to live with the fact that I took my first child's life. That's not something I'd wish on anyone.
Date: February 12, 2013
There were many reasons why I did it, but most of them seem trivial now—compared to the anger and grief and regret that I feel now. All of those reasons are so hauntingly trivial. Abortion was wrong for me, and I knew it before it was done. But nobody could make me feel that, as I was in the midst of a crisis. I was able to justify it to myself.
October 6, 2012: the day after my mom's birthday. For the past two years, I've been seeing a guy, Drew, who I will call my boyfriend—in my spare time. I say "spare time" because I live with someone else who I'm supposed to be engaged to, but we haven't had a romantic relationship for four years. We have a house together, and our lives are so intertwined that it's just not feasible to simply split. I've tried to break up with him several times, but it doesn't work since neither of us have anywhere to go. I'm cheating (another line I never thought I'd cross), and the time spent with Drew is the most amazing time of my life. He is married with four children, two who are in college, and two who are younger… Shortly after we started seeing each other, I went on birth control. I had a lapse in my prescription, and I had to go back to the doctor for my annual exam to get it refilled... I didn't get my prescription filled in time. I lied and told him I did, because I didn't think anything would happen…
October 21, 2012: I had a split shift at work to allow me to go to ice hockey practice in the middle of the day. In the past week however I hadn't been feeling well, and I decided that I wasn't going to practice, but my boyfriend was going to come over and spend time with me. I had just enough time to jet to Walmart to pickup a 2-pack of pregnancy test… so I took one of the tests. We were texting while he was on his way, and I watched the test as it developed into a plus sign. I didn't know what to think, and I panicked. I wept in my bathroom… I took a picture and sent it to a friend who knew what was going on with me, captioned: "does this look like a plus sign to you?" Her response was, "yes, congratulations." But I didn't know how I was going to tell him. When I stopped texting during my hysteria, he asked if everything was alright. I texted, "no." Five minutes later he was at my door, and I barely composed myself enough to open the door. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him right away that I took a test and I think I'm pregnant. I cried, and while he told me it was going to be alright, I asked him, "how?" We went out to lunch and let it sink in.
October 25, 2012: We made an appointment at the OB's office and had a consultation with the doctor, who explained the changes my body were going to go through, and things I can do about it. She sensed that we were not totally thrilled at the idea of the baby, and she said that while they do not do certain things in their office (abortions), she could recommend us to a place if we chose that. We hadn't made up our minds at that point, and we really just wanted to make sure that I was pregnant. She gave me prenatal vitamins, and I had a blood test, which confirmed the next day that my levels were way above what was required, and that I was indeed pregnant. Other than the previously mentioned physical discomforts, I didn't notice any other signs of the pregnancy. We made an appointment for November 8 for the first ultrasound, and I was shocked to know that I would be able to see something of the baby already!
Given the fact that I was cheating and he was cheating, I probably don't have to explain how termination would be beneficial to me. The person I live with really wants kids, so he would be heartbroken to know that I was having one with someone else, besides the knowledge of having cheated on him. I imagined his reaction, but I don't know what he would have done. I envisioned him destroying our house. I envisioned him punching me, trapping me, calling me names. I envisioned him falling into a puddle of tears and despair. My boyfriend's wife is controlling and vindictive, and after a divorce she would do everything in her power to screw him over, including not letting him see his two younger children. How could I have that guilt over me? Every time I tried to formulate the words I would say to the one I live with, nothing came. I could run it through my head a million times, but if it came down to it, I just could not bring myself to utter the words, "I'm pregnant," to him. Drew and I discussed what we should do. There were no definitive answers.
November 8, 2012: I had to get someone to cover my shift to go to the ultrasound appointment. It was amazing, but I didn't let myself feel it. I saw the little dot on the screen, and the nurse answered our unanswered question (well, probably just my question, since he had been through 4 pregnancies before) She pointed out the fetus and the yolk sac. And then we heard the heartbeat. It was hard to believe that whooshing noise was from the baby that was still so tiny in my uterus. I wanted to cry, but I tensed up like it didn't matter much to me. We didn't say anything, just tightly held hands. the nurse printed a picture for me and we made our next appointment for November 29. He had to pick up something for work at a warehouse, and I went with him. My live-in called while we were there, saying he called my job, but they told him I wasn't there, that I had gone to the doctor. I don't think he believed me but I said I had gotten an emergency appointment because I had a migraine. I then called off work for the rest of the day. before I went home, Drew and I called [an abortion] clinic and made an appointment for November 27. So we had a few weeks to decide what to do, and a plan either way. I was told that I would get a call from the clinic on a certain day for the pre-abortion counseling that they were required by law to do. So that day came, and I waited and waited all day. The doctor finally called around 3 to go over things with me very briefly. He had a foreign accent, and I didn't like the way he was talking to me. But I still had time. While the weeks passed, I had to pee more frequently, like every half hour and the cravings came, and the morning sickness started. I could detect men's cologne minutes after they had walked through an aisle at work. My bra was barely fitting. Tears could start at the snap of a finger. Her presence was becoming more real. We still discussed, made a pros and cons list. One of pros was that we would finally get to be together, and he would get to sleep on a real bed; he has slept on the floor for the past 10 years at home. One of the cons was that I would have to give up playing hockey until next season.
November 27, 2012: I lied to the live-in and told him I had training in another town for work, so he wouldn't call the store looking for me, and he wouldn't be concerned when I didn't get home until late. The (abortion) clinic was an hour away, and when we met at 8:00am it was snowing. The appointment was at 10:00. I thought that I would meet Drew and break down and say that I couldn't have an abortion. And then I thought that I would just entertain him by going in and acting like I tried to do it, but then leave. We solemnly drove there in the snow… We went to a drug store and picked up some Always pads and double-mint gum, both the same shades of green. Then we went to the parking lot of the clinic. We watched a few girls with their girlfriends walk in, and finally, we dragged ourselves from the vehicle. I know it wasn't his first choice, either. I know he was hurting. I know he wanted things to be different. I told myself that if there were protesters there was no way I would go into the building. But there were no protesters. I asked for a sign that I shouldn't do it, but none came. Why weren't my fears about doing it enough? I could have chosen the 29th. I could have gotten up and left at any moment. I asked him while we were in the waiting room if we could go and he said "yes," but neither of us moved, because the alternative seemed just as hard of a path to take.
The clinic seemed very professional. They had their procedures down pat, and they were confidential and efficient. I had to go to different rooms by myself while Drew waited. First was the pee test.Then the blood test. Then the ultrasound. I asked the girls doing the ultrasound what the point of no return was. They kind of laughed and said that they were only going to do an ultrasound in there. I asked to have a picture and they said to let the counselor know, and I did get one later. They said it was 9 weeks, 3 days, and it was exactly that. Only 2 cm big. Then we had the counseling, and I wanted someone to tell me it was going to be okay. I asked the counselor if she had ever had it done, but she wasn't allowed to disclose that kind of information. She said I still had time, if I didn't want to have it done that day. I lied and said that I was ready. My moral contradictions were the thing that was causing me the most grief. I knew it was wrong, but it seemed like the only solution. how would Drew and I tell the other people in our lives that we were having a baby? Work would change for me, along with living situations for both of us. how would we afford it? Money is the main reason that neither of us have split with the others. What would we do with a baby after it was born and we both had to work? How would we sleep with a crying infant? The counselor tried to comfort me by saying that god knew I would choose this, and then I felt angry that I was cornered into some kind of fated destiny by even being there that morning. She didn't know what kind of god I believed in. Heck, I don't even know anymore. I cried, and returned to the waiting room. Then the time came. I peed again before being led into the patient's waiting room. I asked for the extra medication to help me relax, and I sat in a corner.There were two women sitting across the room who had just had it done, with heating pads across their bellies. They didn't appear shaken at all. I was concerned about the physical pain then. The doctor came in, introduced himself, and asked how I was. I didn't really respond, because that seemed like an insensitive way to greet someone who was about to terminate a life. I wanted to scream that I was awful, but thanks for asking. How could I be? The girl that sat next to me answered his greeting cheerily, like it was just a checkup or something. I saw a girl go in and come back five minutes later, unaffected. The medication didn't work. My nerves were even worse. Then a nurse retrieved me at 1:25 pm and told me to take off the bottoms and take a seat under the paper sheet on the table. I did that and while I was waiting for them to come back, I started crying. There was an IV rack sitting in front of me (I was not being put under, it was just in the room), and I noticed a small drop of dried blood on it. Everything had seemed clean before, but then all I could think was that I didn't want part of me or my baby splashed onto medical equipment in the room. The nurse asked if I was ready, and I wanted to put my clothes back on, but again, I lied. I was too far into the process; I didn't want to look like a wuss. When I replay this in my head, THAT is the moment that I should have decided not to go through with it. I should have left. I should have asked for Drew. I should have said no. I should have shook my head no. but before I knew it, I was following instructions. Slide down here, a little further, further yet, place your legs here. The doctor did a physical exam with his hand. He asked me where I worked. I said I didn't want to talk. I was still crying, and they got another person to hold my hand, but I refused. I folded my hands across my stomach. he started doing things without telling me. I didn't want to have to talk, but I wanted to know what was going on. My uterus burned. Then more intensely. It was painful. I was paralyzed by physical pain, but more importantly by mental anguish of what was happening to me. Just a minute longer, then it was done, and the doctor was gone. I struggled to sit up on the table, and I got dizzy. I barely had enough time to tell the nurse I felt like I was going to throw up before I did. I felt like I could stand a few minutes later, and she helped me get dressed. She blotted away a small amount of blood from my leg before pulling my jeans up. I was still all tears, and throughout the waiting room I was the only one crying. Is it true that most women feel relief? How could no one else seem concerned about what was just lost? I instantly regretted it. Five minutes before, I still had a choice. I still had a baby. I remember thinking that I better do something great with my life to have given that up. I wasn't looking to get pregnant, but after it happened, I loved it.
Drew and I spent the rest of the afternoon together. I was instantly thrown into a depression that I'm only now starting to come out of. It's worse for me because I can't go through a grieving process. I can't talk to anyone about it. I confided in a few people but I told them I had a miscarriage; I hate myself for doing it. I see my coworkers and friends who are pregnant, all of them having girls (I think I was having a girl), as far along as I would have been. Everything is a reminder. Oh, I did forget to mention that the abortion was the day after my birthday. She was conceived the day after my mom's birthday, and aborted the day after my birthday. My mom knows nothing about it, nor will she ever. It would break her heart. I'm an only child, and I was conceived after a one-night stand, and she chose to keep me. I feel like a coward. I feel selfish. I feel like I made a sacrifice for people who can never know it. I feel like I can never go back to who I was before. I feel like I don't deserve happiness. In time, it will get better, and I will be able to forgive myself on some level. But abortion isn't the answer to the problem. It will never go away. I know that it was the wrong choice, and the funny thing is that I wish I could go back to before the abortion, not to before getting pregnant. This is the toughest lesson I could ever learn. When I was still unsure of what we were going to do, I looked at so many people's testimonials, but mostly I focused on the physical pain and complications, which were nothing to the suffering I now endure. I didn't really think it would affect me this much emotionally. But I couldn't have known without going through it. All I know now is that I would give anything to go back, to make a different choice, to get to know our daughter.
Date: February 11, 2013
Its only been a week since I had my abortion on the 1st February, 2013. I try to act as if I am OK with what I did, but I am not. I already have a 4-year-old son, and I still live with my mother, and I am currently unemployed. It was a mutual decision between me and my boyfriend, but I felt I really had no choice but to do it.
My mother always threatens to disown should I get pregnant out of wedlock again, as I broke up with the father of my son. So I felt it was the only option I had as to not force my boyfriend into marriage out of obligation. I also didn't want him to end up resenting me for making him a father while it wasn't planned. I thought he would think its what I do to try and keep men, by getting pregnant, as this was the 2nd time I got pregnant, and it was just 3 months into our relationship.
I am an emotional mess half the time but try to hide it as best as I can, especially around my boyfriend, but I always end up starting useless fights just to lash at him. He is very patient and understanding but at some point he will snap also. I never believed in abortion and I went against everything I believe in just to keep the peace. I was caught between a rock and a hard place, but I think I should have stood my ground because this is affecting me more than I anticipated.
As women, when we have sex protected or not, we should always consider the consequences that come along with it. It's a good thing when you have a supportive partner, but what the one woman goes through emotionally and mentally, no amount of support can make up for it or make it go away! You always have a choice, and it doesn't have to be abortion!!!
Location: Johannesburg, RSA
Date: February 8, 2013
I was 16 and he was 20. He told me he loved me. We had been together for months and he wanted to have a baby. He was ready, but I wasn't. It was the summer before my senior year of high school, and I was about to be 17. I didn't want to have a baby, but I didn't want to lose him. He finally convinced me and I got pregnant on the first try. We were happy, but our parents weren't. Abortion wasn't an option for me. My parents were talking about pressing charges and his parents talked about making a mistake. He said he would be there no matter what. It was me and him against the world. He promised he would give us the world and nothing would come between us. That all changed. Four months later, I did the unthinkable. I had an abortion. I didn't tell him right away about the loss of our little girl, but he figured out eventually. My parents don't trust me anymore. That was the biggest mistake of my life—getting rid of my little girl.
Location: New York
Date: February 8, 2013
I was 20 years old when I began dating a sophomore in my Microbiology class. We started out as lab partners, but by Halloween, we were spending every day and night together. By New Years, we thought we were in love and would be together forever. We even talked about how one day we would have kids. Little did we know that “one day” was just around the corner. In February of 2012, she found out she was pregnant. Some people have dramatic stories of how they found out or telling the other one; ours was rather boring. She took a test in my bathroom and when we saw the + sign pop up, we laid on my bed for hours, not saying a word. When we finally decided to talk about it, we decided on something we never thought we would. We were both Christians, having gone to church all of our lives; but the thought of a baby ruining our plans for our lives… How could we have been so careless? After a couple weeks, the procedure was done and we tried to move past it. We never would really talk about it, and by Spring Break, we had broken up. I see her every once in a while on campus, where we quickly look away. I cannot speak for her, but I regret the decision that was made. I never told my parents what happened, and probably never will; but as I sit here typing this, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to have that five month old baby beside me right now. Would it have been a boy? Would I have made a good father? I can’t answer those questions, and as Tim McGraw puts it in Red Rag Top “there’s no such thing as what might have been. It’s a waste of time and will drive you out of your mind.” I cannot tell you what decision to make when you are faced with a similar crisis. I can just tell you to not rush things, talk to each other, and talk to your parents. You may think there is no other way, but a lot of times there is. You just have to look for it. You don’t think it will affect you…especially if you are the guy right? You aren’t the one with the growing baby inside of you; you aren’t the one who has to go through the procedure. Well it affected me; I lay awake at night wondering if he had her eyes or my dimples, wishing I could go back in time and just say “What if there’s another way.”
Date: February 6, 2013
I was only 13 years old when I met my boyfriend. He was 18 years old. We met at a party. He spiked my drink just to have pleasure with me. Two weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant. I was scared and weak but had to do something. I phoned my boyfriend. He just didn't care. Then I told my mum and dad, knowing that they were going to kill me. But they certainly didn't. They comforted me, but not all the way. So three months later, my boyfriend and I went to a private doctor and aborted the baby. The only reason I aborted my baby was because I didn't want to destroy my studies and my relationship with my parents. I felt so alone and like a stranger. I didn't want to give up my baby. It was all for my family.
Date: January 28, 2013
I was 19. I had just moved to a new town to be closer to my boyfriend at the time (I know, bone head move, but we were in love). He was in school. I was working at a mall, but moving up at my job. I had plans to finish school, and we were going to move in together. We were active sexually all through our first year of college, and nothing much had changed about that, but we were careful. I wish I could pin point the exact moment that we had a lapse in judgement, but I honestly can't. I can say that it was a "stunning surprise" to have an annual check up and find out that I was pregnant. I honestly have no recollection as to what the doctor said after the pronouncement.
Now I am not a crier, but I do remember sitting on my couch and crying, and tearfully calling my mother long distance (whom I thought was somehow going to reach through the phone and KILL me!). All she did say was, " will support you in whatever you decide." But she had instilled in me, to not come home pregnant unless there was a wedding ring on my hand. I knew going back home was not a real option for me. Besides, I could barely afford to pay my rent. let alone a train ticket back home.
I told my boyfriend, and he was supportive, but like most men, he looked at me and asked what I wanted to do! Like I had the magic answer!! He told me he loved me, and that helped a bit, but how was I going to take care of another life? Financially, my own life seemed to be on the edge of a cliff. He was an unemployed student, and I was employed but in a dead end job if I didn't go back to school. I had very little savings and my mom was also struggling.
So it was a joint decision to end my pregnancy, on June 15, 1991. I will never forget the date!!! I went somewhere deep inside myself that day. I recall the tiny office, my boyfriend, who later became my fiancé, husband and ex-husband (13 years later), holding my hand. I recall the smells of the room vividly. When I go to a hospital to this day, it makes me feel a bit unnerved!!!
I recall the light green paint on the walls and the tile on the ceiling of the exam room. I recall vividly the doctor telling me to lay back and her telling the nurse that I was not 10 weeks but 13 weeks, and since they had already started the procedure, they might as well finish. I wanted to scream, "NO, stop," but I was never so scared. Scared to move forward and scared to go back.
I had done a bit of research. I knew somewhat of what it meant to have a termination after 12 weeks, but I also was aware that they had given me drugs, and I was not sure what that meant to my fetus at that point. I closed my eyes and didn't fight. It is at the very top of my list of REGRETS. There isn't a June 15th that has gone by since, or will go by, that I haven't thought of the child I aborted. I have imagined it was a girl and named her. She would be 21 by now, in college, perhaps on her own, and making her own mistakes in life.
I have another child now, she is 19 and in college. The day of her birth was clouded by many things. She was full term, but she had complications. My first thought after seeing her beautiful little face was, "Oh God, I am so sorry for what I did, please don't take it out on this one." A bit paranoid I know, but for a while it was touch and go. She is doing just fine now (I thank the havens everyday for that). For a long time I thought I would just put it behind me. Get over it! But on occasion, I look into the eyes of my daughter and get a little glimpse of what her sister may have been like, and it saddens me a bit.
My point is, it stays with you, that choice. In some cases, it haunts you. I know when that day is coming up, I feel it in my bones. My mood changes, though I don't touch that dark place I went on that day, the place where you are alive and walking and talking but really not there in your body, that place where your inner voice is shouting but no one seems to be listening! If I could save another women from having to make that choice I would.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. It's the first time I have said these things out loud.
Date: January 15, 2013
I'm 21 years old, and my story began when I was 17 and a senior in high school. This was the first time I was pregnant so I was scared and didn't know what to do. My boyfriend at the time was quick to throw abortion in my face. Being young and not wanting to keep an unwanted baby, I got an abortion. I wasn't affected by it. I just took it as a lesson learned and told my self I would never abort a baby again, but somehow along the road I got pregnant once again by the same guy. I was keeping my baby. I found out what I was having, which was a girl. I was so excited. I was 18 around the time, so I felt I was ready, but my boyfriend made threats to me. It got to a point where he was telling my family members he didn't want my baby so at 5 months I aborted my precious daughter who I named ma'kaiyah (mommy is sorry) just because I was forced to. After dealing with heart break, I left everything in god's hands. I then met my current boyfriend who I love to death. He also got me pregnant, but we agreed to get an abortion because he just came home. I respected his wish, but now I am 6 weeks pregnant and I want my child but just keep getting negative feedback. I work two jobs studying for my CNA certificate, and I believe god sent me this gift because he knows my baby will motivate me. Never really told anyone my story, but here it is. I refuse to get a 4th abortion.
Date: January 13, 2013
I am a 53-year-old woman who allowed her daughter to have an abortion at 16 weeks. My daughter was a bit of a "wild child" and as I look back, my husband and I allowed her a little too much freedom. She was secretly seeing a boy we did not approve of nor like. One night my husband and I went to dinner leaving her alone. She called my aunt because she was sick to her stomach. Didn't think much of it. Two weeks later, I took her to the doctor and found out she was 16 weeks pregnant. She cried, I cried. My husband was livid when we told him. We bought into the hype - "she's too young, it was date rape, she'll regret having this baby" and agreed to an abortion. Had to go out of state. It was the longest drive of my life. We got to the clinic and my child, crying grabbed me and wailed, "Oh, momma." I put on the "I'm a big liberated woman face" and told her it would be OK. IT WAS NOT OK. I had seen my grandchild on the ultrasound, knew it was a girl and still let her have the abortion. The guilt from this has nearly ruined our lives. She has suffered a nervous breakdown as I have. She is married now and I have two wonderful grand kids, but I often think what my beautiful granddaughter would've have looked like, now, at 16. I am a Christian and regret letting her do this. I pray every day God will forgive me. It has taken it's toll. To all the parents out there, please, please don't allow your daughter to have this barbaric procedure done. I hope God has mercy on my soul.
Location: Norfolk, VA
Date: January 11, 2013
I'm 20 years old, and my story started when I was 16 years old. I was in the 10th grade. I was very much in love even though my boyfriend abused me and hurt me horribly. I decided to get an abortion, not for me but to hurt him. I also was going through so much morning sickness, I couldn't even handle it. I got an abortion which I thought was the right thing, but obviously it wasn't. It brought three years of depression and self hatred… At the age of 19, I found out I was pregnant again by a friend who laced weed on me… I didn't know what to do. My only option was to get another abortion. I hate myself every day. I moved to a new city and and now I'm pregnant again… Me and my boyfriend are having major problems, [but] I think I could not live with another abortion... I have a job and I'm in college my boyfriend isn't doing anything. I think maybe god wants me to see I can deal with this. I'm 6 weeks pregnant and I'm starting to love my baby but some bad feeling tells me not to do it. I have been going through things my whole life, getting taken advantage of and feeling like nobody loves me or cares for me. I hate myself but if I have the baby, maybe I could be the strong person god has always wanted to be… Sometimes you have to realize everything happens for a reason. Im pregnant and alone again, but at least I know I'll survive, accepting my mistakes even if it takes me crying every day and being depressed.
Location: Houston, TX
Date: January 5, 2013
I am a typical sixteen year old that has straight A's and a bright future ahead of me. So you would think that I have no reason to be depressed. I have overcome a lot, like being addicted to alcohol and Vicodin. That's all in the past. I got my life together and started going to school again. I found out that I like school and I am good at it, but if anyone asked me to describe myself in one word I would have to say "murderer." I had an abortion the day before Thanksgiving 2012. I murdered my second child and now regret it more than anything. I lost the one thing that was supposed to save me. I knew getting pregnant again was a gamble, I just never thought abortion was going to be the result. So now? I have to try to move on to keep my peace of mind. I am running out of time. I am looking for the answer sheet instead of figuring it out on my own. I am too ashamed to ask for help. I believe that I deserve to suffer because I did this to myself. I am embarrassed to be walking in this skin, not because I got pregnant at sixteen, but because I was selfish instead of being an adult. I was responsible for protecting my baby, and I failed. That makes me a failure. So no matter how many A's there are on that report card, deep down where it counts, I failed. This abortion has not only ruined my life, my hope, my dreams, my relationship, but my self worth. And that isn't something you get back easily.
Date: December 27, 2012
When I was 15, I thought I was in love with my boyfriend. We did everything together. He was my world. My mom and his grandma were good friends. Everyone was happy that we were together. We lost our virginity to each other. One day I was not feeling good and thought I was pregnant, so I told my boyfriend. He said, "No, you're probably just sick," so I brushed it off. I was getting lazy, sleeping all day, and I knew I was pregnant. So I told him again, and he just looked at me. He tried to make me have a miscarriage by squeezing my stomach. My brother even pushed me down stairs. My mom came to his house one day while we were watching TV. She took my boyfriend outside to talk. When she came back in, she told me to leave with her and I did. My boyfriend could not even look me in the eyes before I left. My mom and I sat in the car for a while, and she said nothing to me. She went to the store and had me wait in the car. We got home and she said that I was going to take a pregnancy test. I took it, and she looked at it and started crying, saying, "You're pregnant, you messed your life up…" I started to cry, and she told me I was getting an abortion. I told my boyfriend, but he did not care so I said OK, I guess this is what I'm doing. My mom set the appointment. When I got there I was scared. They checked me over to see how far I was. I was 2 months, 3 days. I got the abortion, and for a few weeks all I could hear was a baby crying.
To this day, I regret having the abortion. I wish I could go back and undo what is done, but I can't. I still cry about it. I ended up with a new boyfriend a year later, and we've been together for four years. I told him about the abortion, and he said it's fine as long as I don't get another one. I said I wouldn't. Well, I ended up pregnant with his baby at 19, and my mom was pissed. She said she was disowning me and that I had to get another abortion. She told me I was not allowed to see my boyfriend anymore. He and his mom ended up coming to the house to talk to my mom, but my mom wouldn't listen. So my mom set up the abortion, and all I could do is cry. It was so much drama. She would not let me eat anything; I was getting sick. I was losing so much weight so fast. I finally told her I would get the abortion, but my boyfriend said if I got the abortion, then we were done. I got the abortion and told him I had a miscarriage. He was hurt, but we are still together. I told my mom that she made my life a living hell. I killed two of my unborn children because it's what she wanted. I was old enough to say something, but I didn't because I did not want my mom mad at me. I think about the abortions all the time. I know I make a mistake the first time, and I should have kept it the second time. I don't talk to my mom anymore because she kept bringing the abortions up and saying she wishes I would have kept both kids.
To those ladies that want an abortion, think about it first. Think about what you're going to do to your self and what you want. I hurt every day because of my poor decisions.
Date: December 5, 2012
When I was 15, I found myself going out with a boy who I came to truly believe was the love of my life. We knew more than our parents and defied every attempt to keep us apart. Sneaking out nightly to meet somewhere between his house and mine was more common than not and very soon thereafter, I found myself giving him the most sacred gift God had given me.
I absolutely had the mindset that “it won’t happen to me.” I knew how pregnancy happened and I knew we weren’t using any contraception, but I still was in denial that I might find myself pregnant.
I will never forget the feeling that went through my body as I sat in the bathroom of the grocery store after taking that pregnancy test and seeing two very bright lines come up in the little square. My legs went weak. I felt like I was going to faint. I was shaking uncontrollably. I was crying.
I called out for my boyfriend who was waiting outside the door and he came inside. It was the middle of the night and nobody was even around to notice a guy walking into the women’s bathroom to hold onto a young girl now facing a very adult situation.
We left the grocery store and headed to his sister’s house. Once we got there, we called my parents. They did not realize that I was even gone until the phone rang. They thought I was in my bed sleeping. Through my hysteria, they guessed that I was pregnant. This is where the situation could have gone one of two ways, and unfortunately, it went downhill and very fast.
It was made clear that I was a shame to the family. It was continuously reiterated that if I chose to continue with the pregnancy, I would not be allowed outside of the house for nine months. I had brought such disgrace to our family, and I now wore the Scarlet Letter.
Feeling as if I had already done such an injustice to the family name, I felt pressured to “get rid of the pregnancy” to save face and spare the family any more humiliation than I already caused. In spite of my parents telling me they would not force me to make a decision either way, I felt as if I had no choice if they were going to ever love me again.
It wasn’t the baby that I didn’t want. I simply didn’t want for my parents to hate me anymore.
The first appointment I made was to hear a doctor tell me I was not far along enough to “achieve the goal” of termination due to a tilted uterus. He sent me home and told me to return in four weeks.
As time went on, I endured daily comments about how disappointed my family was that I had chosen to gallivant around and get myself pregnant. I had horrible morning sickness and was so thin that I was already starting to show. My parents now forbade my boyfriend to have any contact with me whatsoever, and my friends wanted nothing to do with me. I sat in my room and cried every hour that I was awake.
Another appointment was made for me and I went to the same doctor who had told me to return in four weeks. He tried to perform the abortion that day in the office, but due to my uterus being too far tilted still, he was unable to succeed. It was painful and terrifying. He referred me to an “abortion specialist” and I left his office, for the second time, still pregnant.
The night before my appointment with the specialist, I vividly remember sitting on the floor of my bedroom crying until I had no tears to cry. I knew what I was about to do was wrong. My heart hurt so badly. I wanted to have the strength to say I would not have the abortion but I was desperate for my parents love and approval again. As I sat there curled up in a ball crying, I physically and very clearly heard a strong yet soft man’s voice in the darkness of my bedroom.
The only words spoken were, “Don’t do it.”
The day of my abortion, both of my parents took me. I was led to a very cold room and given an IV to put me to sleep. I don’t remember anything of the actual abortion itself.
When I woke up, I was told it was over and was given Oreo cookies and orange juice. Immediately I regretted what I had just done. I had 13 long weeks to make this decision, and it was suddenly crystal clear that I made the wrong choice, but I could no longer go back and undo it. To this day, the abortion is the single biggest mistake of my entire life. My dad carried me out of the building and the details afterwards are very foggy.
Seventeen years later, there has not been a single day go by that I haven’t wondered about the baby whose life was cut short because of a choice. I look at my children now with the knowledge of having robbed them the chance to have an older sibling that they have never even heard about. Knowing I took the only opportunity for the father of the baby to have a child of his own. Living with such mental and emotional distress that not only I, but my husband now has to deal with, and finally, wondering each day if I am truly forgiven and if I will be allowed into heaven after I die.
I can say with 100% conviction that absolutely nothing positive came from my abortion.
Looking back now that I am an adult, I find myself asking what my parents could have done differently once I was in the situation that may have led me to keep the baby or put him or her up for adoption by choosing life. I’ve played it over a hundred times in my head, what I will say to any of my children if they come to me pregnant or having gotten someone pregnant.
If you are the parent to a pre-teen or teenager, please rehearse what you would do if your child finds themselves facing an unintended pregnancy, and talk with your spouse about it. So many parents say “not me, not my child,” but I am living proof of being a teenager who would go to any length to do what I wanted to do. My parents did not realize I wasn’t a virgin until the night I called to tell them I was pregnant. Sure they asked me, but I lied and they believed me. They had no idea I had been sneaking around seeing my boyfriend at night.
If your child comes to you and tells you that she is pregnant, or that he got someone pregnant, please reach out and hug your child. Hug her with depth, sincerity and love. Hold her and let her cry. Cry with her and let her know everything will be okay and that you will stick by her and make the right choices with her. Most importantly, remind her that she is loved by you and God, no matter what.
At this point, what’s done is done and your child is already scared. She has already judged herself and feels horrible for letting you down. She needs your support and she needs you, in your maturity, to think clearly for her and to do everything in your power to not allow her to have an abortion. She will regret it and if you allow it, someday, you will wish you had your grandchild to celebrate with. Some regrets are so painful they cut deeper than a knife and leave scars that never heal.
If you are a teenager listening to my story, please realize that someone has been in your shoes before. I’ve been “in love” with a boy who cared more about physical desires than my true well being.
If a boy or girl truly loves you, he or she will support and encourage you in putting God first and staying out of situations where you may find yourself feeling very alone and scared with another life on the line.
If you are currently facing an unintended pregnancy, know that God chooses to make every single baby inside each pregnant womb and He makes no mistakes. All conceived children have meaning and purpose, regardless if the timing is right for you or not.
To this day, 17 years later, I know in my heart, the voice I heard the night before my abortion was the voice of God. I will never get over knowing that I heard, out loud, the voice of God who told me not to do something and I chose to do it anyway.
I don’t know how many of you will remember my story, but if I can positively impact the life of only one person, then it was not written in vain.
Remember that it is never too late to start over. It is never too late to turn around and decide to make the right choices going forward. It is never too late to come to God and decide to walk the right path, even if the one you’ve been on isn’t the best.
The message to take away from my story is that abortion is wrong. You know it, I know it. I knew it and did it anyway. Seventeen years later, I am still suffering the consequences of it.
No matter what, know in your heart of hearts that it is not, hasn’t ever been, and will never be “just tissue.” From the moment the sperm fertilizes the egg, there is a human being with purpose, with meaning, created by God. Please do not deny God’s gifts and please learn from my horrible mistake. You will be glad you did. I promise. Some things cannot be undone. Ever.
Location: Houston, TX
Date: November 16, 2012
When I was 14, I met this boy named Ben. He was 3 years older than I was. A couple of months after we started dating he wanted to have sex. My mom had always told me, "wait until you get married; sex will come with emotions that you are not ready for." Foolishly, I didn't listen and succumbed to his wishes. We had sex in December, and Ben couldn't remember if he had pulled out in time. Suddenly, a bad feeling came over me, like I knew he hadn't. Months passed and my period didn't come. I made excuses for why it hadn't… In the back of my mind, I knew I was pregnant. My mom has always been overprotective, and she didn't know about Ben. I would lie to her about my cycle to keep her from getting suspicious. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, so I decided to take a pregnancy test. I found out I was pregnant on March 3, 2011. All I could remember was curling up in a ball and crying on my bathroom floor. My mom had always told me she'd kill me if I ever came home pregnant at such a young age. How would I take care of my child and myself? I had just started 9th grade. What would people think of me? I had become that girl–the girl you and your friends see in the hallway and talk about! I was more afraid of disappointing my mom because she had instilled in me better values. On March 7th, I told my mom. Surprisingly, she did not hit me or yell. She gave me a hug and cried with me. A time when I should have been crying tears of joy because I was pregnant with my first child became a time when I cried tears of pain because I was now responsible for a life when I didn't even listen to my mother. What type of role model would I be? I had always wanted the best for my children and at that time, I was not prepared to offer them that. March 11th was the day I had my abortion. It was the ABSOLUTE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. The night before, I cried constantly. I was less than 24 hours away from murdering my own child–my flesh and blood. The doctor's office was eerie. I thought about telling my mom I had changed my mind, but it was to late. They had already started me dilating. I can remember freaking out, and the nurse telling me to count to 10. I didn't make it past 6. If I could take that decision back, I would! There has not been a day since March 11, 2010 that I have not thought about my son/daughter. My mom was right–I should have waited. Having sex changed my whole life. My child would have been two years old now (my due date was September 20, 2010). Just thinking about that pains me to the core! If there is nothing else you get form my story, PLEASE WAIT UNTIL YOU GET MARRIED TO HAVE SEX! If you do wind up pregnant, abortion is NOT the way to go! The heartache and the remembrance are NOT worth it! Do not be like I was ---- LISTEN !
Location: Missouri City
Date: November 15, 2012
A month before I turned 18, I got pregnant. I was scared and so confused. I'd always been against abortion, but I already had a son when I was 14. He's three now. I was so scared what people would think or say. I had just gotten my job back, and I was enjoying it. My boyfriend was supportive. We've been together 4 years, since before our son was born. I drank a lot throughout my pregnancy. I was sad and guilty. We agreed on the abortion. I made the appointment in Winnipeg. I saw a doctor for the consultation. She gave me an ultrasound and confirmed I was 14 weeks. I was scared and she inserted a laminaria stick inside me. I felt like this was all a mistake. I suddenly changed my mind when I left the clinic. We tried to take the stick out, but it didn't work. My cervix was dilating. It was too late. The next day I went in to the hospital. A nurse gave me some hospital clothes to put on. I was admitted to surgery and another nurse inserted an intravenous in my hand. It hurt. After that she brought me to a closed off waiting room with three other girls. I was the last to get my abortion. A nurse lend me to a cold room. I laid down on the bed and they strapped my legs down and my arms. I started freaking out. They gave me anesthesia right away. I was out , but I was still aware. I could hear a vacuum and suction and felt a cold sensation on my bottom. I woke up crying and screaming. I was so scared. I couldn't believe what I had done. But it was over. There was no going back. She was gone. I felt remorse and guilt. I was so angry with myself I could only cry. One of the nurses rudely asked me why I was crying. Why the hell do you think I'm crying. I just murdered my own child. That was the biggest mistake of my life. I regret everything I did... I wish I could go back in time to when I first learned I was pregnant and just stayed sober and thought of the consequences, rather than being selfish. My child never asked to be brought in this world. So innocent and precious...
Location: Manitoba Canada
Date: November 2, 2012
When I was 25 years old, living in New Jersey and newly married, I got pregnant. I was staunchly pro-abortion, and felt it was an inconvenient time for me to be pregnant. I had a job I loved, had just gotten a new horse I was planning on showing, and a baby would have interfered with the plans I was making.
I worked on a horse farm, hard physical work, so I told my boss that I had to have an ectopic pregnancy terminated. That would be the excuse I needed to keep her and everyone else from knowing about my “choice” to kill my baby while I was out of work for two weeks recuperating. It was also another way of justifying to myself that what I was doing was “right & necessary”. That cover-up was the beginning of the shame that I didn’t know I was feeling for 17 years.
The thing that bothers me most about carrying out my decision, other than killing my baby, was that the entire time I knew that what I was doing was wrong and selfish. But how could someone who was pro-"choice" think that an abortion was the wrong thing to do? I pushed those feelings of doubt aside with all the pride I could find.
I was not awake during my abortion. I can remember very well the face of the doctor before I went out. I will never forget what he looked like. Afterward, I remember still feeling that what I had done was wrong. My first husband had driven me, and the ride home was pretty quiet. In fact, we never spoke of it again. I knew he had wanted to have this baby, but I didn’t care what he wanted; it was my body, so that made it my decision. As time went on after the abortion, I was afraid to get pregnant again, so I went on birth control and made up many excuses why I didn’t ever want children. At the time, I didn’t know I felt that way because feelings of guilt and shame over killing my baby caused me to think that I wouldn’t be a good mother. My marriage didn’t last for long after that. After my recovery, I tried to find my first husband to tell him how sorry I was for stealing his fatherhood.
I became a born-again believer in Jesus Christ in 1999 and married a wonderful man. In realizing how God felt about all human life, I became outwardly pro-life as soon as I was saved. I had shared my abortion with my husband before we were married, but he was one of only two people who knew by me telling them. He was very supportive of me, and I asked God for deliverance from the shame and guilt. Throughout our marriage, I kept watching his son grow up, and I kept thinking about how my son would be the exact same age as my step-son. The Lord does work in mysterious ways.
God kept gently bringing my abortion to the front of my mind. I went on the internet to research abortion recovery help and found the Silent No More Awareness website first and registered with them. Then in 2007, I became aware that I needed to share my abortion with others. I was so fearful, but the first person I was compelled to tell was a friend who cried with me as I told her, and told me how sorry she was for my loss. Another friend reminded me that her babies and mine are waiting with the Lord for us in heaven.
Then in the fall of 2008, I was invited to participate in the March for Life in Washington D.C. and to publicly share my abortion testimony. Being supported by all those others who suffered as I had, and speaking in front of the US Supreme Court building was the final step to my complete deliverance from the pain of the abortion.
Being obedient to God’s desire for me to share the truth with others, freed me from the bondage I had been under for all that time. Truly accepting and acknowledging His forgiveness enabled me to finally forgive myself, freeing me from the hidden lie I’d been trying to live all those years.
If society says “abortion is okay ”, than why did so many of us, the mothers and fathers of lost parenthood, feel such shame, and keep it hidden in our lives for so long? Abortion is NOT okay, and I want to make sure people know what a destructive impact it has on EVERYONE involved in it.
Location: Wimberley, TX
Date: November 1, 2012
While camping during the first weekend of July 2007, I had sex with a friend of mine and ended up getting pregnant. I found out on July 20, went to Planned Parenthood on the 21st of July [and] made the appointment for the 3rd of August. When I first found out, I called my pastor, who I had been working for for over two years, and told him that I was backing out of youth ministry and that I wasn't gonna be doing it for awhile because there were some issues that I needed to deal with, and I couldn't be in leadership while dealing with these issues. He was upset and pretty mad at first. He met with me and tried to change my mind and had four different people call me and try to change my mind. But my mind was already made up, and I can be a little stubborn at times. At this time in my life I was emotionless and didn't let things bother me. I had a heart of stone. So I really didn't think it was going to affect me much, because nothing up to that point had hurt me. I just ignored it. But I didn't have a clue what I was about to endure. August 3, 2007 came along, and I went to my appointment. I went into the room, they gave me one Vicodin, and ten minutes later I was on the table laying down. The doctor told me that I would feel a little pain and it began. I had one nurse holding a heating pad on my stomach and running her fingers though my hair. And than I felt the pain he was talking about. He took his knife thing, and I felt him scraping the inside walls of my uterus, and I remember moving my head to the side so as to not see my friend who was holding my hand throw up. I saw the guy take the vacuum that they were using to catch all the stuff that they cut away in to a bowl. I watched them just dump it into the bowl like it was nothing. That was when it hit me that I had just killed someone, and that someone was MY kid. I laid there on the table not ready to move after it was done, and I remember two tears falling. I think that's all I allowed myself to feel. After that, I remember walking around feeling HORRIBLE and [thinking] everyone knew what I did. I had to meet once a week for an hour with my pastor for 6 weeks. I told him everything he WANTED to hear, but I just ignored [the abortion]. I never thought about it. I never once talked about it. I thought if I ignored it long enough that maybe it would just disappear. Like nothing ever happened. For the longest time I thought I did something that no one would be able to forgive me for. I didn't think God would forgive me because I had killed one of his precious children without even a second thought. I thought I was doomed forever–that if I worked hard enough to live the perfect life, go to church more, serve more, do more for him, that I would some how earn his forgiveness. Let me tell you that is one of the biggest lies I ever believed. No matter how much I tried, I always failed. After all I did, I still felt like scum–worthless, dirty, unforgiven, unloved, and unlovable. I mean, come on, who can love and forgive someone that killed their own child?… The healing began on a COLD, grey day at the old warehouse by the mall. … [a friend told me] something about God needing me to deal with some huge things and that I needed to deal with them and that it was gonna be hard and not feel good but to stay strong and to deal with it and let God deal with it all... There was a war going on in my heart. Satan wanted to keep me where I was, in the dark place of regret and low self esteem and part of me wanted to because it was all I ever knew. It was comfortable there because I knew what to expect. I knew what to do and how to survive there. But God wanted me to come to him and dance with him in his light and Glory and part of me wanted to do that as well. Well, that night at church, I was praying during worship and [a friend] came to me and said, "I don't know what this means to you or who this is, but God wants me to tell you that she forgives you." I knew in that moment what she was talking about and what God was trying to say. And for the 1st time, I began to weep for the child that I had killed two years ago. I felt bad as I first started to cry but then as worship went on, God began to speak to me and work in my heart and by the end I was crying with joy because, even though she was there with Jesus before her time, she was there and saying, "its OK, mom, Jesus is here taking care of me." During the sermon, I realized for the first time that I was forgiven by God and my child. But there was one person I couldn't forgive and that was myself. I just didn't know how to do it. [Someone told me] "when you say you don't forgive yourself, you're saying that the blood of Jesus isn't good enough for you."… So for the 1st time I CHOSE to forgive myself... I was than able to hear and believe what God was saying about me and to me this whole time. It wasn't until I dealt with this that He was able to speak to my heart and my mind and change the way I thought about myself. I was able to hear him say that I was FREE, FORGIVEN, LOVED, PURE, HOLY, BEAUTIFUL, HIS BRIDE, HIS BELOVED, PERFECT IN HIM, THAT I WAS PRICELESS. I began to see myself as these things not because of what I was able to do but because I saw Jesus in me… I was now in a position to hear from God and let him live my life for me because it was no longer me that was alive but HIM. My old self was killed off, and the new self was brought to life. =] I can now stand up and say I am no longer the person I was. I am no longer bound by my past. I forgive myself for what I have done. I now believe what my Father in heaven says about me. I am a new person.
Date: August 20, 2012
Post Abortion Syndrome isn't reserved just for women, I have been dealing with my experience for 34 years. I personally killed two beautiful children. How do I know they were beautiful? Because the third one died in my arms and the fourth is now 21, and a handsome young man. They were all beautiful, I know it. Late 1970s, Upstate NY: my parents went out of town; my grandparents with whom we lived were in Florida on vacation. My grandfather was a minister, Methodist, and my mother and father were not active in the church. My girlfriend was older and maybe more experienced than me. I was a virgin. We got pregnant that night and found out weeks later. She was a Catholic teenager and couldn't bear the thought of having a baby. I was scared too. We went 50 miles away to Spring Valley where for $200 we paid for the [abortion]. I remember the outside of the building and the inside also, clearly. I remember the drive home, quiet. I remember no bath for her for two weeks. The bleeding, no sex, the quiet shame.
Then a year or so later it happened again. Quiet. Then more people around me had abortions, friends and family. Quietly. I remember and wonder, calculate their ages and imagine. Time went by. I got married and we had a beautiful boy in 1990. In 1997, she got pregnant, had trouble because of me I think, and delivered two months early. In treatment for blood pressure he had a brain hemorrhage, and lived in neo-natal ICU for almost a week. We had to choose to take him off life support and hold him until he passed. It took hours and changed every hour of the rest of my life. I saw him look right into my eyes as they lifted him out of the unit and put him in my arms. The other two were just like him I am sure. I remember the smell of the plastic tubes, like celery, and the room around me. Nice nurses doing this every day. I couldn't. We buried him next to my father in law. Compartmentalize your emotions and thoughts, and you will be OK they say. I don't think so. Thirty-four years later. Still the same...
Abortion is pre-meditated murder. I know.
Location: Upstate New York
Date: August 20, 2012
I was 16 when I had my abortion. That was 13 years ago, and I still struggle with the decision to do it. I had only been dating my boyfriend for 3 months and he and my mom agreed that I should get an abortion. I wanted to have the baby, but my mom said she would kick me out of the house, and with my boyfriend not wanting the baby either, I did it. The moment it happened I regretted it. I struggled for years and still do, but I know that even though I killed my child, Jesus has forgiven me. I know that I will meet my child when I die, and that gives me some comfort. Satan likes to try to make me still feel guilty, and it is very hard to not give in to that. I have a 2 year old son now, and I love watching him grow up. I was given a second chance to be a mother, and I am so thankful for that. A life is precious, and abortion is not the way. There are so many people out there that want to have children.
Date: August 5, 2012
My biggest fear when I discovered I was pregnant was the shame. I was determined to have an abortion. But it hurt particularly when the baby's father said, to loosely translate it, "we're going to get rid of it." It sank in that I had been used, and now I and my unborn child had been unequivocally rejected by the person we most needed affirmation and protection from. Worse still, he had dehumanized the baby by referring to him as "it." I believe I was at least two weeks into the pregnancy and at most four weeks in when I took the pill. To be completely honest, I felt relief that night, but the pain kicked in as early as the next morning. I could not believe that, at such a young age, I had added an abortion to my life history. I literally stared at what came out of my body (it looked like menstrual flow) and wept at the loss of a child. I had murdered my own child, and worse still, flushed his precious body down the drain. I repented about it for months in vain. Until one night, exhausted and confused, I asked God what He would have had me do, and what He thought of the abortion. I knew it was sinful, and I was thus guilty; and I knew that His verdict would be so, yet it seemed that an abortion was the only way out of my difficult situation. Inwardly, I justified my sinful action, even though I badly wanted to repent of it. So I asked out of sincere honesty. The answer I received, paraphrased, was that I was forgetting my initial sin of fornication which brought the mess of an illegitimate pregnancy in the first place. Sin always leads to death; there's no going around it - and in my case, it was an emotional as well as a physical death. That night, I was able to repent fully of both sins and receive forgiveness. The burden of guilt from the abortion was lifted off my shoulder, but the sense of loss is present to this day. Fear and panicked anxiety remain within my heart, especially because a godly young man is courting me, and I'm unsure how he'll react when I tell him, or how the past will affect our future relations. I know I'm telling him as soon as I can, but cannot even begin to imagine how. :'(
Date: July 30, 2012
I was 21 when I became pregnant with my first child. My boyfriend, whom I had been in a serious live-in relationship with for some time, was initially happy when I told him. I had every intention of keeping the baby, I quit doing destructive habits, joked about craving pickles. Then I noticed that he was withdrawing from me daily, a little at a time. I began to question my choice-was it wrong? If it was right, then why was he pulling away? I got out the phone book a few days later and made the call. He drove me there. There was a girl at the counter begging for an abortion and they told her, "You are five months along, it's too late!" I thought, five months? I wanted to run out of the room, but he was telling me it would be fine, even flirting with me. He seemed happy again. I was desperate not to lose him. I had the ultrasound; they told me he was eight weeks old. I know he was a boy. They didn't tell me, but I know.
The doctor's eyes were the coldest I have ever seen in a human being. Laying on the cot afterward, with dazed and sedated, crying girls and women all around me, I saw him walk past. He stopped and stared at me. I will never forget that stare; it was evil like I had never witnessed before.
At first, I was relieved. The problem was gone, right? The next night, I was taking a bath and felt something leave my body. I scooped it up, and it looked like a piece of flesh. I screamed. my boyfriend came in, and I showed it to him, shaking. "This can't be the baby, can it?" He shook his head and left the room. I didn't know what to do with it, I sat cradling it in my hand, crying. I sat there until the water left the tub. I said goodbye. I was never the same, and have not been the same since.
Later that night, my boyfriend forced himself on me. I realized that I had made a horrific mistake. I chose death when I could have chosen life.
I have had a series of problems with my female organs, from endometriosis to cysts. The physical pain is nothing, though, compared to the mental and spiritual hurt. I know they are a result of this "procedure." It is not my unwillingness to forgive myself, quite the opposite. It is my acknowledging the fact-the FACT of what I have done, not just to an unborn baby, but to myself. And my other children.
About a month later, I became pregnant again. I kept my second son, despite my boyfriend's reluctance. I also have a daughter with this man, who I am divorced from.
Every time I look at them, I see their brother. The one that they will never know.
I have four children, although only three of them are with me. You can not imagine the hurt that this inflicts, and it is lifelong. It doesn't go away, it only transforms itself. It never dies. Only the child does.
Date: July 19, 2012
I was 17 when I got pregnant. I had been in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship for going on 2 years. The more abusive he became, the more desperate I became for his love. From the time I found out I was pregnant, I knew I was going to have an abortion. I had always seen abortion as a woman's choice and not a big deal. My baby's father went to the ultra sound appointment to see how far along I was; he held my hand through the whole thing and even begged for a picture of the baby. It felt good to have his support since I was hiding my pregnancy from my family. Throughout our relationship, he would break up with me and I would always beg him to come back to me. Two weeks before my abortion appointment, my now ex-boyfriend called and flat out told me he couldn't deal with the pregnancy and told me to stay the hell way from him. I have never been so hurt; I couldn't believe he couldn't even wait 2 weeks for me to have my abortion to leave me. On October 19, 2011, I went to my abortion appointment alone. I had never feel that alone in my life. As they escorted me to the surgery room, i kept reassuring myself that what I was doing was for the best. The night after my abortion, I laid in bed and held my stomach and realized my baby was no longer there, and i became an emotional disaster. For weeks I cried myself to sleep. I love my baby more then anything in this world; there is not a day that goes by that I don't feel regret and guilt for my abortion. I hope that my child forgives me and knows how much I love them. My baby helped me stay away from my ex, and for that I will always be grateful. But if I could change anything in the world, I would have my baby here with me.
Date: July 11, 2012
I was 18, just a few months out of high school. I was out a lot, never home, and I drank a lot the summer after I graduated. Mostly because I was unhappy with my relationship. I was with an abusive guy who cheated on me constantly. I took a few pregnancy tests and they actually came out negative, but I just knew that wasn't right so I went to the doctor, and my suspicions were right. At first, I planned on keeping the baby, but I was so sick I could barely move. I made an appointment; my mom ended up paying for it. They gave me an ultra sound and I could look at the screen. I talked to the counselor and could not stop crying. I was about 13 weeks. During the procedure, I was numb because of the pills they gave me, but I remember holding on to the nurses hand so tight and crying. I even saw her wipe her eyes. He would have been born in March of '07. I now have a wonderful little boy, but I often think about that day.
Location: West Brookfield, MA
Date: July 10, 2012
I was 16 when I found out I was pregnant. I had a boyfriend, my first actually, and it just happened. When I told him, he got up and said good-bye. My parents were mortified and worried how it would make them look to have a pregnant 16 year old. They insisted I have an abortion. They told me that they would disown me if I didn't; they would kick me out, and make sure I had nothing, and prevent anyone from helping me in anyway. I don't know if I was stupid, naive or maybe that is what I wanted to believe. Either way, I believed them, I had no choice. I wanted my baby, I dreamed of reading to her, rocking her and singing to her (I always pictured a girl). My parents were extremely upset about the cost of the "procedure" but they made the appointment. The drive took 4 hours, I was numb. Once there, the nurses barely looked at me; I was so ashamed! The "procedure" took no longer than 10 minutes; I was about 16 weeks; afterwards I felt empty. It felt like my heart had been sucked out. I had a lump in my throat that would not go away, and is coming back now. Before we went home, my parents asked me how I felt, I said nothing. I said nothing for about 2 weeks. I had to go back for a "checkup." When I saw the building I started shaking. Once I got in the elevator I began sobbing uncontrollably. I did not stop, I could not stop. It went on for most of the 4 hour ride home. Few days go by that I do not think of my baby, how old she would be now, what she would look like. It is only God's grace that gets me through. Girls, Women: you have a choice. Every baby is a miracle from God, no matter the circumstance. It is only through Jesus Christ that I have finally and only recently been able to forgive myself for this selfish and evil act. I got pregnant again at 21, on purpose that time. At 6 months, my father told me I should abort it, that my boyfriend was no good. I was able to drive away that time, and I have found the grace and strength to forgive my parents through Jesus. I have two young boys now, and an amazing husband. God even blessed me with a stepson a couple of years younger than my daughter would have been! I cannot wait to meet my daughter in heaven, she will be there, she was alive! No matter how hard the situation seems, killing is never the answer, turn to God, rest in Jesus Christ and he WILL give you strength you never knew you could possibly have. Do Not Make Regrets Like I Have. I found out last month I am pregnant. God is good, maybe I will have a daughter in this life after all.
Date: July 7, 2012
I got pregnant at 13 years old by my 17 year old boyfriend. My mother made me get the abortion on my 14th birthday because she didn't want it brought up in her divorce with my father that she was right in the middle of. I wanted the baby, my boyfriend wanted the baby, and we told the counselors at Planned Parenthood and the abortion clinic in Indianapolis that I wanted to carry the baby to term. Everyone I talked to told me that it wasn't my decision, that it was entirely up to my mother. I screamed and tried to run from the procedure room at the clinic and my boyfriend tried to get back to me. They threw him out, and I was held down by nurses and given a sedative. My mother basically had nothing to do with me afterwards. I essentially lived with my boyfriend or his family. He supported me and bought my first car and sent me to college. I was with my boyfriend for 10 years after that and he made a great life for us, so there was no reason that I couldn't have raised my child. When we split we still remained friends, and 20 years later to the day I can remember the trauma I was put through physically and emotionally as they took my baby and my rights away from me. I have 3 beautiful children now but I will never ever forget the baby they took against my will.
Location: Muncie, IN
Date: July 7, 2012
I got my first abortion when I was 19. I told my grandma I was pregnant and she told me I was a shame for the family, that I should live alone and give birth to my child away from the house. She was mean to me. When I told my mom she wasn't very happy about the news. She just said, ''why didn't you think before getting pregnant?'' So I decided to get the abortion, because I felt everyone hated me. I regret it, but soon I healed. On 2010, I went to a friend's house to have some drinks and have fun. She introduced me to her cousin, a good looking guy. After a couple of hours, she went to sleep and he and I stayed in the hallway. I was drunk at that moment. I went to the bathroom and he followed me. I don't remember that part very well, but after some minutes I realized he was on top of me. I pushed him away from me, grabbed my things and went home. After a couple of weeks, I missed my period and when I got a pregnancy test this turned positive. I felt so scared and alone. I couldn't believe it! So at that time I decided to have an abortion again. That hurt me so much. I know the victim wasn't that innocent creature growing inside me, but I couldn't take it.
Now I found out that I'm pregnant again. For my bad fortune, the father doesn't want to recognize it. He already has two, with two different women. One of them he doesn't even know. And the only thing he says to me is to get an abortion. I know it's my body and it's my decision... I really want to become a mother, but not this way. It hurts me so much that this is happening to me. I'm 6 weeks now and I want to keep it, but my heart tells me my baby will suffer. I feel scared again, and empty. I feel the Universe is against me.
Date: July 1, 2012
In January 2012, my period was 2 weeks late, and I was noticing lots of changes going on with my body so I went to the store, and I took not one but 5 pregnancy tests. Every single one was positive. When I first got the result I was terrified but excited for my baby at the same time. The next night I told the baby's dad and he was in shock, but after he got over the initial fear he was excited too. We started making plans for the baby and applied for health insurance, but I was keeping this big secret from my parents. I'm a college student at a big university and my parents help to pay for my tuition and my housing bills, so I knew I was going to have to tell them about my pregnancy. In March, when I was 11 weeks pregnant, I texted my mom and told her, "I'm pregnant and I want to make the best of this situation." My mom called me and told me she would support any decision I wanted to make, but she said "please consider abortion." I told my mom every day that I didn't want an abortion, I wanted to raise my child, but every time I told my mom she got more and more angry at me.
I soon learned that I wasn't going to have any say in what happened to my baby.
When I was 12 weeks pregnant, my mom called Planned Parenthood to schedule an abortion for me. My mom and dad both told me I was too young, too poor, and too immature to raise a baby. They said that I would have to quit school and they said that my boyfriend was going to ditch me, and I would be a single mom even though he promised to stay with me.
On the day of my scheduled abortion appointment, I called my mom before going to the clinic and I begged her to support me and let me keep the baby but she refused. I felt emotionally drained and broken and I know I should have stood up for my beliefs and for my baby, but I didn't. When I walked into the procedure room I touched my belly one last time and apologized to my little baby.
I will never forget that day in March. I was 13 weeks pregnant and was considered a "late term abortion." That day was the worst day of my life. I miss my little angel every day, and right now I would have been 27 weeks pregnant, and I wish I was. But I know I can't take back what I did, I just pray that one day I will find peace and that my little angel will forgive me.
My boyfriend is still with me and we talk about our baby often; we cry together frequently, and we miss our child everyday. This whole experience has encouraged us to choose to become Pro-Life, and I hope that by sharing my story I can encourage other girls to stand up for their rights and not let their parents or anyone else force them into an abortion.
Location: Oregon, USA
Date: June 29, 2012
Dear Baby, Just thinking of you brings tears to my eyes. First, I want to say how sorry I am. I'm so sorry I wasn't stronger for you. I'm so sorry I didn't fight harder for you. I'm so, so sorry I let the man who was supposed to be your father convince me not to have you. I'm sorry I ever told him about you. It was the end of March this past year. I was 19 years old, in college and in an on-again-off-again, four year relationship with the only guy I'd ever had sex with. We had a lot of passion and love for each other, but he had a temper that he had trouble controlling. I got off birth control because I thought I was completely done being with him, but old habits die hard and I wanted so badly to make things work, so one night we made love, and we made you. I spent the next week on spring break with all my sorority sisters. After I got back I felt exhausted, but I assumed it was from barely sleeping and going out with the girls for a week straight. Then one night at home lying in bed something felt different. The next day at lunch I finished a bite of food and felt sick swallowing. My heart skipped a beat as a thought lingered in my mind, you. I don't know how, but I felt you already. I wasn't even late for my period but I went and bought two tests. I waited a few days to take them. The first one took no time at all: little blue plus sign. The second one showed up even brighter. I sunk to my bathroom floor, shaking. This isn't how I wanted to become a mother. I had hoped and prayed since I could remember for God to bless me with motherhood, someday. But things were not right. Your Daddy and I weren't speaking because a few days before he had lost his temper again. I didn't know what to do, so I prayed. Please God, don't let this be happening. Please. Not yet. Against my better judgement I called your Daddy. He came over and comforted me as best he could; he knew I didn't believe in abortion, but he gently told me that he thought it was the best thing. I told him that I would consider it, I'm sorry for that too. I'm sorry that I wanted to please him and that I had a brief moment where I wanted to not have you. It would be the last time I felt that way, because for the next two weeks all I felt was wanting, longing for you. I went to see a doctor to confirm I was pregnant at the health clinic on my college campus. A nurse there told me that I should give you up for adoption, she asked if I was a christian, and told me to think about what God would think of all of this. She judged me, and to this day the thought of that woman's eyes on my face still makes me cry. Your father eventually put more pressure on me, we went back and fourth for over two hours. I told him that I could do it, raise you, love you. He told me it would be too hard, he got angry. He told me I was being selfish. He threw things. He screamed at me. He threatened me. He held me against the wall by my throat. But I screamed back, I told him that I would tell people you weren't his, that he didn't have to be in your life, I told him I could do it by myself. I left his house crying, sobbing, and holding my tummy, cradling you as best I could, saying over and over how sorry I was for how he acted. Trying to protect you from life already. That was when it hit me, I couldn't have you come into this world, not like that. Not with a father who didn't want you, or would hurt you, or hurt me and have you around to witness it. No, baby. That was not the life I wanted for you. That was the life I had grown up with, and though my mother chose to have me, my life was surrounded with heartache because of my father who never wanted me, and how he punished my mother every chance he had for keeping me. I never grew up witnessing a loving relationship, I never felt that I truly had a father figure, and I felt unwanted by him, that I was a burden. I cried and cried and held my hand over where I knew you were growing inside me and I apologized, just as I am now. I asked God to help me make peace with my decision, and I went a few towns over where the nearest clinic was. I was only five weeks, six days. The woman who did my ultrasound must have thought I was crazy when I asked to keep the pictures of you, but I didn't care. I love you so much, and I didn't want to just forget about you. I could never just forget about you. I didn't want the (medical) procedure, though it was the easier way recovery wise; they sent me home with pills and after hours and hours of crying and bleeding, there you were. I held what little bit of you I had, and I hated myself for what I had done. I wrapped you in tissue paper and let you go. I think about you constantly. I cry every day. And I pray, baby. I pray that you and God forgive me. I don't think I will ever forgive myself. I would have been 18 weeks today, far enough along to know if you were a boy or girl, far enough to feel you moving inside me. Now I am empty. I feel empty. I feel regret. But most of all, I feel so sorry that the only comfort I could ever offer you as your mother was through my hand pressed against my stomach and cradling you after I aborted you. I wish so badly that I could have held you, and kissed you, and spoiled you. But I will always love you, baby. Always and forever. Please know that. Please know that as your mommy I did what I felt was best at that time, I did what I thought would protect you the most. I read on another one of these sites where a woman prayed for her baby to come back later, I'm not sure how that works, or Gods plan- but if you could come back, someday, when I am with a man who truly loves me, and doesn't hurt me, and who will love you just as much as I do- please baby, come back to Mama. I will continue to pray for you everyday, and continue to love you. Always and forever.
Date: June 25, 2012
I aborted my baby in May of 2011. It was the worst choice I ever made. I was in a terrible relationship, and I should have just got up and got on a bus and left. But I didn't. There was a last minute angel who gave me a way out, but I didn't take it. I could have moved to the country and gone to school and had my own apartment, but I didn't. So I killed you, and ever since then I have regretted what I did. The love that was inside me for you was so different than anything I'd experienced. Now I look at abortion websites all of the time and baby clothes and imagine the life I wish I had been able to give to you. Every day is empty. To anyone out there considering abortion, DON'T DO IT. You will feel so bad that you will have nothing to compare it to. And if you look on the websites about children's development you will find out that your fetus was really a tiny baby. And that is what the baby will look like. They cannot perform the abortion until you are at least seven weeks along. So it will look like a baby by then. Don't be like me.
Location: Queens, NY
Date: June 21, 2012
I had an abortion just 3 days ago, on Wednesday, at 16-weeks. I am 20-years-old and have been with my on-again-off-again boyfriend for a little over 4 years. With that being said, during the month you were conceived, I slept with someone else, while I was on a break from my boyfriend.
I completely missed my period, and while I was at work, I took a pregnancy test. I had all kinds of feelings, but I was confused. I wasn't sure if I should be excited or mad or happy or angry. Over the course of 4 months, I treated you like any mother should. I fell asleep with my hands on my stomach every night. Eating healthy, working out, all to make sure that my little bean was on the right track to being healthy. As weeks passed by, I tried to weigh out my options with what would happen, depending on who your dad was. As weeks passed by, things got a little harder. I had moved out of my parents and was living with my boyfriend. I tried to get a paternity test for you, but I couldn't afford it. Things went from bad to worse, quickly. Last Saturday, my boyfriend drug me out of my car and after we got inside started hitting us, and I decided I had had enough. I didn't want this lifestyle for you, for us. But that was just an excuse to do something that I thought I had wanted to do.
The first day I went to the clinic I had to talk to a counselor to make sure that this was what I really wanted. But I couldn't stop crying long enough to explain to her how I really felt. On my day-two appointment, I was nervous and scared. Because I was so far along, I had to vaginally insert pills inside of me to start the process. Upon receiving the pills I went into the bathroom and held my stomach one last time and told you that I was so sorry and cried and cried... and cried. But I knew if I just shoved them inside of me I would have to go through with it, even if I changed my mind.
The four-hour wait for the medicine to get in my system was the worst four hours of my life. I couldn't believe what I had done, I kept holding onto my stomach, wondering what was happening to you inside of me. Knowing that I was sitting there murdering my own baby, my own child, my own blood. After the four hours, the nurse called my name to start the procedure. I laid on the chair and the nurse kept pushing my hair back and telling me that everything was going to be okay. With my pants off I laid there apologizing to you over and over again. The medicine began to give me severe cramps and contractions. I was screaming and turning and twisting and I just wanted my mom or my dad to be in there holding me, helping me. I was digging my nails into the chair and started shaking and sweating really bad. I jumped out of my bed and ran down the hall to the bathroom with my IV in my arm.
My nurse came into the bathroom and I was screaming at her, demanding that she got out and gave me some privacy. It was at that very moment that I knew I didn't want to finish the procedure. I wanted you, I wanted to take away all of the pain you were feeling. While in the bathroom as I was pushing to pee, something fell out of me and water went all over my thighs and was dripping down my legs. I began screaming and three nurses came into the bathroom to drag me back to my room while explaining to me that my water had just broke.
They held me down on the table and put an oxygen mask around my face. I was shaking so bad and by then was drenched in sweat. My head was shaking so bad, and I was kicking my legs. I saw the doctor walk into the room and she went to shake my hand and I just kept telling her, please don't hurt me, please don't hurt me. The last thing I remember is one of the nurses telling me that she was going to begin my sedation.
After what seemed a short while I woke up with no pants on, feeling embarrassed. I put my pants back on and sat down in the wheel chair. I was moved to a recovery room where I was left to think about what had just happened to us.
I am so sorry I chose to be so selfish. And I know that I will never get you back. I didn't even give you a chance, to grow, or to become someone. I turned my back on someone that loved me. Someone that honestly needed me, for just five more months. I puked on the drive home from being so sick to my stomach from what I had just done. I think about you all the time. I wonder what you looked like, what your nose looked like, if you would have been my first boy or girl. I made the biggest mistake of my life. Something I will never choose to endure again. I hope that one day I get to meet you and explain to you why I made the selfish choice I made. I hope that you forgive me. I love you and you will always be my first child. I hope you hold part of me wherever you are and know that I wasn't thinking right and I would do anything to have you back. I wish that I could hold you and kiss you. My mom gave me the gift of life, and I took that from you, and here I am, laying in my boyfriend's bed crying about something that never was supposed to happen. I should have moved out, I should have told the nurse no when she asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this today, I should have listened to my heart and I should have been the best mom in the world for you. I just want you back.
I want to be your Mom now, when it's too late.
I Love You.
I feel so empty inside.
Date: June 9, 2012
Dear Adrian Jordan Malik,
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with you, sitting in my bathtub, my eyes filled with tears staring at the stick as those two blue lines come up. I was overwhelmed with soo much emotion but mostly I was terrified. In fact I just sat there and cried for about 3 hours not knowing what to do next. The first person I told about you is a really good friend of mine, his name is Lenard. I didn't want to tell your father because I was scared as to how he would react but Lenard convinced me that the right thing to do would be to tell your father, so on that same night I got in my car and drove over to your father's house to deliver him the news. One thing I will forever be thankful for is the support your father showed me that night. It's a night I'll never forget. He was worried and terrified but happy because the doctor had told him that he would never be able to have babies and this was a miracle to him. I told him that I didn't think I was going to be able to keep you and he said he would support whatever decision I make but he wanted me to keep you and deep inside I knew I wanted the same thing. So that night we both never slept, we stayed up counting the stars and running our fingers on my tummy thinking how you would look like, seeing your first smile, hearing your first word, what joy you would bring us and how we couldn't wait to see you. That following morning I flew down to Atlanta with my family for spring break and while I was on that trip is when I realized that I couldn't keep you. There was nothing I could give you, money, a decent family, and I wasn't sure I could raise you by myself. So I set up an appointment to go to the doctor's office on Friday, April 6th. I decided I wanted you out of me. Your father was in Arizona and he wanted me to wait till April 10th so that he could be there with me but I wanted to do it fast before I changed my mind. When I had your ultrasound, I felt nothing but love for you, I will always love you. I couldn't believe that I had another life growing in me. And on that same day I aborted you, you were only 6 weeks and 5 days. They gave me anesthesia so I wasn't conscious when they took you out of me but as soon as I woke up I couldn't stop crying. I thought that I would feel relief once they took you out of me but instead I felt empty, like a huge part of me was missing and I doubt there is anything or anyone in this world that can ever fill that void. I stayed in the hospital for another hour just crying before I left. That whole day I couldn't stop crying. I wasn't in pain physically but emotionally I was shattered. And the next day I cried even more because I realized that on that Friday I aborted you, it was Good Friday. My heart was just broken. I've never been so emotionally wrecked. I felt like I disappointed the two people who loved me the most, Jesus and of course you. I knew you loved me, I could feel it every time I ran my fingers on my stomach and I knew you couldn't wait to spend time with your mama. I'm really sorry I took that away from you. In my heart I know that you're up there with Jesus and he has adopted you and both of you have forgiven me but I haven't forgiven myself yet. You'd be happy to know that i'm going to therapy and it was my therapist's idea to name you and write this letter to you. I want you to know that I think about you everyday. You're the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I sleep. I talked to your father two days ago and we both don't know how to cope with this situation so we are just gonna part ways for a while and hopefully maybe in the future we can be great friends. And I haven't talked to God neither for a while, it's been hard for me to face him after what I did even though in my heart I know he's forgiven me too. Someone once told me something like "God knows our prayers, even those ones we don't have the words for" so I'm really counting on that. I think from all this, the most important thing that I've learnt is that life is valuable. So from now on I'm going to make the most of my life in respect of yours that I selfishly took away. I know that you're up there looking down at me and I'm going to make you proud of me. I am so sorry for taking your life away from you and I really want you to know that I'll always love you and I can't wait to meet you.
Location: Los Angeles
Date: May 23, 2012
Thirty years of torment. I had an abortion two months before turning 17. My mother, the preacher's wife (my father died when I was 11), called the abortion center and put me on the phone. I tried to get out of it at the abortion center but they had my mom come in and talk to me because I kept crying. I felt like I didn't have a choice. I always wished that I had been stronger and had slipped out the back door. I remember there was one man with a picket sign in front of the building. I remember how he had stopped and looked at me and I always think if he had said something I may have turned around. I needed someone to help me out of this. This has affected everything in my life. I've been married several times, I've had no self worth, I believe I could have been a better mother to my children if I wasn't dealing with so much on the inside. I've finally stopped ignoring that it happened. I've been able to accept God's forgiveness and with the help of my husband, I'm healing. There's no way to go back and change things and living with this is truly torture.
Date: May 22, 2012
The late summer and fall of 1984 changed my life forever. A child was conceived. A child was aborted. My future husband was wounded in ways he didn’t begin to understand at the time. I was crushed.
And it wasn’t even my child.
My husband and I began dating in the spring of 1984 after knowing one another for about a year and a half. I knew he had been married before, but his ex-wife had had several affairs during their marriage, and she eventually left him. They remained friendly, however, and had “joint custody” of their dog, which meant they were in regular contact.
The relationship between my future husband, Paul, and me deepened quickly. He was everything I had wanted in a man. He was intelligent, highly philosophical, well educated and, from all accounts, a man of integrity. Although we were both religiously agnostic, we came from Christian homes and could relate on that point as well. He said he was in love with me. I did have some misgivings about the difference in our ages – I was 22 and he was 32 – but I quickly decided that didn’t matter. I also knew that the wounds from his previous relationship had left him skeptical of the institution of marriage in general, but I ignored my misgivings. I did, however, become increasingly uncomfortable with just how much his ex remained a part of his life. Early on, I told myself that their relationship was perhaps unconventional, but enlightened, and he assured me there were absolutely no romantic feelings left between the two of them. We actually met socially with his ex and various boyfriends of hers from time to time. But she also called him frequently for many other reasons, ranging from needing help with her car to wanting him to support her during her unending emotional crises. It got old quickly.
One day Paul’s ex called his home while we were together. She was working at a mental health facility and had witnessed the suicide of a patient. She was distraught. Paul immediately left me to comfort her. Given the extraordinary circumstances, I thought it would have been petty of me to voice any unease I had about their being together after such an emotionally charged event. So I said nothing.
Many weeks later, Paul told me that his ex was pregnant and was going to have an abortion. It appeared that she didn’t know who the father was, but that wasn’t surprising as she was seeing several different men. At the time, I knew nothing about fetal development, but I was still deeply disturbed by the idea of abortion, and I told this to Paul. He, however, seemed to be completely unbothered by her plans. When she called again saying that the doctor thought she was in her second trimester, I was truly horrified. Even in my ignorance, I knew that a second-trimester abortion was really bad news. Paul’s ex’s only concern was that the procedure would be harder on her. (She later said she had still been in the first trimester, and I took some comfort from that for a short time.) Still, I remember seeing her shortly before she aborted. She was a thin woman with a small frame, and what we now call a “baby bump” was clearly visible. That image will be etched in my mind forever. But I said nothing to her. After all, it wasn’t my body. It wasn’t my choice.
Shortly after she aborted, I was at home channel surfing and trying to block the abortion from my mind. I think my television only got four channels, but as fate would have it, I stumbled on a segment of an investigative news program that caught my attention. The host was holding something in his hand and said, “Well, this is what all the arguing is about.” The camera then zoomed in on a jar holding a small fetus.
And my world turned upside down.
I was stunned that the tiny first-trimester human was so perfectly formed. What about the phrases – “blob of tissue” and “clump of cells” - I came of age hearing? I immediately went to a local library and began researching fetal development and abortion. Much of what I read came from a “pro choice” perspective. More than anything, I WANTED to be pro choice. But all of the post-modern, “this is a difficult choice clouded in shades of gray,” ramblings in the world could not compete with hard, cold, BRUTAL reality. The child she had killed had arms, legs, a beating heart, a face and measurable brain waves. I would sometimes find myself just staring at the palm of my cupped hand, envisioning the tiny child cradled there. I would imagine stroking the child. And for some reason, I focused a lot on the image of a very delicate arm and hand, sometimes attached to the child’s body, and sometimes not. I knew I was obsessing, but I felt helpless to stop the images. I didn’t know how to accept this new, ugly reality. Perhaps some part of me thought that if I immersed myself in the images, I would gradually become accustomed to them, and my sense of horror would subside.
I didn’t know if the fetal child had a soul. I didn’t know if any of us had souls. I feared this life might be all there is. And that made it all the more unbearable for me.
As I shared what I learned with Paul, I could see that he was distressed, although he would often argue with me about the significance of what we were learning. After all, a frog has brain waves. I shot back that a frog is not a human being, and surely a human being, even in the early stages of development, must rank higher than an animal. I could understand that Paul still wanted to think well of his ex, but I couldn’t grasp why he defended her choice so vociferously. I remember reading a testimony of abortion regret to Paul in which a woman had an abortion near the end of her first trimester, but the doctor failed to remove all the “products of conception.” A few days after this woman’s abortion, she reported that she delivered the baby’s small, but perfectly formed, severed head at home. Paul later told me how hard this story hit him, and how he finally had to admit that abortion was an act of horrific violence. Then, about a year after the abortion, Paul confessed that he had spent the night with his ex after she witnessed the suicide, and that his ex told him that a sonogram before the abortion confirmed that he was the baby’s father, based on the gestational age of the fetus.
There are really no words to describe the pain I felt. I left him for a time, but I returned, and we were married shortly after. I thought I could put it all behind me. I was wrong.
The abortion continued to haunt me. As a way of dealing with this, I threw myself into pro-life work and became deeply involved in pro-life feminism. I even began speaking on college campuses, determined that I would do something constructive with my pain. However, I never addressed the personal circumstances that had informed my activism. Never. My husband and I became co-workers in the fight to end abortion, but we were not healed, and our marriage suffered terribly. Paul just wanted to “move on,” but I was unable to. Although I loved him and wanted real intimacy, it was never just the two of us in our marital bed. It was the two of us, his ex-wife… and their dead child.
His ex-wife also continued to remind us of the abortion. For instance, she called about six months into our marriage saying she thought she was pregnant again. She knew we were adamantly opposed to abortion, so we thought maybe she genuinely wanted help. And although we could do nothing to bring back the child she had earlier aborted, perhaps we could save this one while supporting her. So we tried, but to no avail. Paul was on the phone with her, and I could actually hear her screaming at him from across the room. She yelled, “You care more about a stupid fetus than you care about me!” before she slammed the phone down. We never found out if she was pregnant that time. That phone call took place about two years after her abortion. (I couldn’t remember the exact date of her abortion, but I have since wondered if she called on the anniversary.) At other times, she called and screamed at him for not paying for the abortion. (Even though he was not opposed to the abortion at the time, he had refused to pay for it or take her to the clinic, but he did offer to support and/or raise the child.) When we eventually had children, she called Paul at work asking for pictures of our kids. (She didn’t get them.) This list is just the tip of the iceberg. Some of her other behaviors were so disturbing and painful that I can’t bring myself to share them in writing, even anonymously. But I think I’ve made my point. That night they spent together and the resulting dead child bound them together in an obscene perversion of their natural, God-intended role as parents, and it poisoned our marriage.
I had such conflicting emotions during my own pregnancies. On the one hand, I was incredibly happy, but I was completely unprepared for the way that viewing my kids’ sonograms would bring such sorrow over the aborted child. And as I watched my kids grow, I would often wonder about that other child, sibling to my children. Would she have had my husband’s blue eyes? My son’s sharply honed sense of justice? Would she have been annoyed by her little sisters? Who would she have been?
I miscarried a child between the last two of my three children. I delivered that child in a toilet in an emergency room waiting area. I was understandably traumatized, but I also had a lot of anger I couldn’t clearly define. I had been pregnant for about as long as his ex-wife was pregnant. I wanted my child. I did all I could to keep from losing that child. She didn’t want hers. She just threw it away like so much garbage. I deeply resented that I couldn’t even grieve for my child without being mentally assaulted with images of how her child must have looked after being dismembered.
Paul was a great father, completely devoted to our children, but I would feel so insecure at times. Would he really be there to protect and care for us? Why hadn’t he tried to protect his aborted child? What does that say about him as a man? How could he have been so cavalier about creating that other child in the first place? Would he do it again? I also began to experience more guilt. Why hadn’t I stood up for that child? Is there a chance she wouldn’t have aborted the baby if I hadn’t been in the picture?
Paul and I were deeply wounded. Rather than deal with the pain and anger, I withdrew. For years, we were little more than co-parents. But Paul was changing.
We had begun going to church when our oldest child was young, largely for the sake of our children. Paul, always an avid reader, began to study intelligent design. Then about ten years ago, he began to seriously consider the claims of Christianity. Meanwhile, I had quietly begun my own journey back to God. Paul eventually accepted Christ’s embrace and the forgiveness he fought against for so long, forgiveness he thought could never be his.
And our marriage, which I had thought was long past hope, began to heal. For the first time ever, Paul’s defensiveness was largely gone. He listened to me and began to understand, for the first time, just how deeply the choice he made that awful night had damaged us. Paul and I were getting closer, but the pain, pushed down and largely replaced with anger for so long, was resurfacing. My pain intensified right around our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary (not quite a year ago), which coincided with the announcement from our oldest daughter that she was expecting our first grandchild.
I realized we needed help, so I made a phone call to a pro-life organization and shared my story. The wonderful woman on the other end of the line, on the other side of the country, said that my husband and I needed to attend a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat. We went on the retreat in June, 2011, nearly 27 years after the abortion. My husband went largely to support me, but was stunned by his own response to the experience. I have never seen him so broken, but in a good, necessary and healing way. We independently had the thought that the aborted child was a girl. I suppose we’ll never know this side of eternity, but she will be tenderly remembered as Ophelia during this lifetime.
Our journey continues, and Paul and I are in counseling with a Christian psychologist. I am trusting that God will continue to heal us, but the process is not easy. I still have nightmares, but not as often. I still regret the lost years of our marriage, but have hope that restoration is possible. I still wish – desperately – that I had stood up for that defenseless child, yet I am beginning to accept a measure of grace and peace.
But I still grieve.
And she wasn’t even my child.
Location: Southern California
Date: May 19, 2012
I'm eighteen, in college, and I made the dean's list. I do everything right, well I guess not everything. In college, I fell for a guy who was abusive and mean. He called me names and made me feel bad about myself. During this relationship, an old friend called me. He lifted my confidence, and told me that I deserved better. I left my old boyfriend and fell in love with my old friend. He was living in a different state, so I went to go see him. He told me he was infertile, so we didn't use anything that night... Then, two weeks later, I missed my period. I didn't want it to be true, my mom had recently passed away and I passed the nausea and the missed period off as stress. My moods starting changing... I was hoping, no praying, it was just PMS. It wasn't. I woke up one morning, and I knew I had to get myself checked. So I drove to the drugstore, got two pregnancy tests, went home and took them, and both were positive. However, I still didn't want to believe it. I then went to Planned Parenthood and got another tests and it was postive. I got scared, called my boyfriend, and scheduled an abortion for the next day. The abortion itself was not terrible; I could drive myself home. But the days afterwards were terrible. I keep thinking about my baby, and what I did. I was six weeks pregnant, which means my baby had a heart beat. I feel like a murderer. I did learn a few things [like] to not judge and to be more careful. People who get abortions are perceived as whores. I am not a whore; I'm a good kid. I made a mistake... Anybody who is reading this, please learn from my mistake. Take longer than a few minutes to think about your decision. I wish I had.
Date: May 17, 2012
I was 29 years old, and had just moved across country for a new job. I was scared, and alone. And I knew the minute I landed in my new city, the decision to move had been a huge mistake. But I was there, and had no money to move back home. I'd have to just make it work. As time wore on, I felt increasingly alone and depressed. Nights were spent at home, alone, usually with a bottle of wine. I was living in a two story building with windows overlooking the apartments next door. I had been there about 2 months and had noticed a very nice looking guy next door. We had spoken a couple of times in the parking lot and he seemed nice enough. One night, I decided to take the bold step of introducing myself. Encouraged by the half bottle of wine I had consumed, I grabbed an unopened bottle and headed next door. It didn't take long for us to go through with it. He was nice and warm and, needless to say, very willing to relieve me of my loneliness. Trouble was, because of my move, my prescription for my pills had run out about a month earlier, and I hadn't bothered to get a new one. But I wouldn't worry about that, it'd be OK. About 4 weeks later, I knew something wasn't right. I was out of town on a business trip and couldn't keep anything down, especially in the morning. Sure enough, I got back home, went to the doctor, and he confirmed my suspicions. Funny thing is, I remember how happy I was. I remember smiling, and thinking, "I'm going to have a baby!" The next thing the doctor said was, "We can set up an appointment for you next week; we'll take care of everything." That's when the reality set in. Of course he was right, he was "the doctor." I was unmarried, couldn't even remember the name of the "father," and there was no way I was going to try to explain this to my mother, 1400 miles away. I couldn't lay this at her feet and expect her forgiveness.
I remember driving up to the building to keep "my appointment". Somehow, I managed to get through the whole thing. I was by myself, no one went with me. I'm strong, I knew I could do it, and then everything would be OK, back to normal. When the doctor was done, he came into the room, smiling, to announce everything went just fine... "Oh and, by the way, it was a boy". That was the moment I realize I had just aborted my son. I had just killed the little boy that was to have been my son. That was 30 years ago. I still hear the doctor's voice. I still see myself driving home, stunned by what I had just done. I still remember the irony of calling my mother later that same day just to hear her voice. And I still remember that two days after "my procedure" was Mother's Day. I am a Christian, and have been all of my life. I take full responsibility for my actions 30 years ago. No one made that decision but me. I have prayed for forgiveness, and know that it has been granted by my Heavenly Father. But, I can't find it in my heart to forgive myself. I probably never will. Know this... if you are considering abortion, the consequences of the decision you make today will be with you your entire life. You don't get a do over. Know that you are aborting a living being, a child, no matter how young the fetus is. You may be strong enough to go through the procedure, but the pain you will live with the rest of your life will drive you to your knees. You'd think after 30 years I would have dealt with it. I keep trying.
Location: Columbus, OH
Date: May 14, 2012
I had an abortion in February of 2011. I missed my period and had all the regular symptoms of pregnancy that I had with my daughter who is now 5. I am almost 30 and the father is almost 40. After 4 years of being with him we didn't think we could get pregnant. Well the day that I went to take the pregnancy test he already knew it was going to be positive because he couldn't eat anything at work that morning. So I called him to say it was positive and he already knew. There was a long silence and I knew what choice he wanted for that child. We both had the means to take care of the child but he already had 4 children and I really did not want anymore. I didn't want an abortion, but the father made me feel like we had no other choice. One week later we went to the clinic together.
HERE IS WHAT HAPPENS AT THE CLINIC: We sat in the awkward silent waiting room where everyone stares at everyone else. I thought there would be just a few women in there but this place in Baltimore was packed!! They tell you not to go alone because you cannot drive afterward so all the fathers seemed to be in there as well. So you are finally called to review your medical facts and make sure you are there on your own free will. (of course most women lie here) Then you go back to the 'awkward' room. Then they call you back to have an ultrasound. I asked to see the ultrasound screen to see how far the baby had progressed. I ended up being 7weeks, 3 days but could barely see anything on the screen. I remember looking at the ultrasound tech and wondering how they could have this particular job in this clinic. Afterward, I went back into the waiting room once more and just sat forever. Again, most people just sat in silence. Some chatting on their phones as if it was just another day. Some actually laughing during their conversation. I kept thinking that I should just walk out of here, that I do not belong here! I was called back once more to pay for the procedure so I brought the father back to pay for the whole thing. To pay for killing our child. So after 2 hours of waiting I was called back to the "main" procedure room. I dressed in their gown and sat on a table that is just the same as in the gyno offices. I was given a drug called "Twilight". Immediately it took my breath away and I was really dizzy. I couldn't move my whole body, but I was able to look around and talk. I was NOT completely out. So the procedure started and I heard the loud vacuum noise. I just thought to myself that, "This is it, this is my child's fate". I thought maybe I could turn back on the whole idea and just say, "STOP" but the Twilight made me so weak. So the suction started and I was yelling. It hurt so bad. See, the "Twilight" just makes you weak and relaxes your body but not the pain or your mind. They just told me to relax and they were almost done. It didn't last too long but I wanted to yell for the father to come in and save me from what was happening. Afterward, I could not walk and I felt like I had to throw up a lot. You are given a heating pad and told to sit for awhile. Some women just walked right out after a half an hour or so. The woman who sat next to me asked if the procedure hurt as much as it hurt her. Then I heard one women screaming during her procedure. If I heard that before hand then I definitely wouldn't have went. It HURT LIKE HELL!!!! I had the father carry me out because I was so weak. In the end, its my body and my choice. Nobody should talk you into something like this. NOBODY! I regret my choice but have prayed about it and I can rest my head at night and not cry about it. I have given it to the Lord now. I got my tubes tied so I that I will never go through this again. Lesson learned!!!
Location: Baltimore, MD
Date: May 13, 2012
It was 3 weeks into a relationship and I found out I was pregnant. Panic went through my entire body. How in the world did this happen and how did it happen to me?! I was the responsible one in the family that never made a mistake in life. I freaked out and my immediate thought was that an abortion was the answer to all my problems. My first mistake was thinking that this was a problem… I flipped and flopped back and forth between keeping my child or having an abortion. I was so emotional and caught up in thinking how this was going to affect MY life, and how MY plans and goals were going to be put on the back burner. In the end, I made the decision to have an abortion. I didn’t know then, but that was the worst mistake of my life.
I went to the clinic, went through all the procedures and necessary tests were done. I spent 3 hours alone in a waiting room, moved to another waiting room, into a small office, then back to a waiting room and then back into an exam room. The entire time my mind was clicking and thinking about everything. I was completely alone. I sat there alone in a cold room high on some drugs replaying the past few weeks of my life over and over and over again. What was I doing!!!! I woke up in a recovery room completely out of it with 3 other women around me, the tears rolled down my face when I remembered where I was and what I was doing there. There was no turning back, it was done. I got home and cried for days after. Not because of my mother, not because of my sister, not because of my ex boyfriend, not because of my recovery but because of what I just did.
The following weeks and months I spent with minimal amounts of sleep even with the help of medication and a lot of emotional baggage hanging on my shoulders. I was still depressed, upset and more alone than I had ever imagined I could feel. Part of me was missing and it was my fault. I knew I regretted what I had done to my child, but there was no way for me to change it no matter how much I wanted, no matter how many tears I shed, I couldn’t bring that baby back. I tried my best to keep moving on and forward with my everyday life, putting a smile on my face when I was around other people, but the inside of me was ripping apart with every day, and every child I had to see at work. Living and spending time with my niece still rips a hole in my chest every morning when she smiles and gives me giant hug and tells me she loves her aunt Sarah. Who could love me is what I think every morning when I wake up knowing I am alone again.
I recently began to research organizations that can help women, like myself, who regret what they have done and now have a different perspective and view on what life truly is. I took a baby's life that wasn’t mine to take because I was scared. Being scared is no reason to run away. God only gives you as much as you can handle. That baby was meant to be mine and I was meant to raise him/her. However, my decisions took God’s plan and changed them. So now here I am today using my story and situation to help someone else. To try and stop another girl from making the mistake I made and to stop another girl from taking a life that is not hers to take.
I know what I have done is something to be ashamed of but I want my story out there for other girls to know and understand that although you may be scared of the situation you are in, and you feel that it is the end of the world, it is not. If you choose abortion you are ending the world for a baby who deserves to live, not your world. You have taken away that child’s chance to experience all the wonders God has offered to us. Do not let anyone pressure you into getting one and listen to someone when they say it is in God’s plan for you to have a child. If you are considering it yourself. Get as much education you can on options OTHER than abortion… adoption is another alternative. God knows what he is doing when he blesses you with something like that, don’t just throw it away. I did and I am not the one who has to pay the consequences, it is the baby who is paying the ultimate consequence because of me.
I now know I am a person who believes that life begins on day 1. I am ashamed of my actions but I know that the Lord will forgive me and someday I may forgive myself, but right now I cannot forgive myself until I know that I have done as much as possible to change the perspective and views that abortion is okay. It is NOT okay for the mother, the father but most importantly the baby the two created together. I look back and thank God every day that my mother and father did not do what I did. I have been able to enjoy such wonderful things and some not wonderful things, but I got the chance to go through all life experiences because my mother and father knew what the right thing to do was… to keep me and love me.
Date: May 12, 2012
I had an abortion a little over two years ago. I wasn't crazy in love, we weren't getting married, I had just recently met the guy. We went out on a couple dates, he totally swept me off my feet. That was short lived. About two weeks after we had ended what little we had, I found out I was pregnant. I was DEVASTATED. I didn't know what to do, where to go, or who to talk to. I didn't want to talk to him, so I called my mom and my best friend. It wasn't something I wanted, but I wasn't ready for a child. I didn't understand my options, and some people made it sound like this was my only choice. I had to drive an hour and a half to the clinic, alone. I was far from home, going to college and no one else could know. I held together pretty well on the way there, but the way back it was all I could do to stay on the road, I was crying so hard.
To be honest, it's painful. Emotionally, physically, mentally exhausting and painful, and I had to suffer alone. After that day, I pretty much cut myself off. I didn't want to feel the guilt and pain, so I shut down, didn't feel anything for a long time. This wasn't hard because I kept pretty busy, until one day it hit me and I was a colossal mess. I stayed that way for a while. It ruined friendships, broke my heart, and made it hard just to live. I was angry for a long time too. The one thing no one tells you is the effect it will have on your entire life. No one shares their story and tells you that they regret it every day or that they were emotionally shattered. They talk about how their lives moved on. Life moved on, but there's always a period of time where you are pretty sure the world is ending. Someone, anyone needs to share that. I still carry that horrified feeling that I'm going to be judged or that everyone knows. I still face my decision every day. More people know now and I'm not as afraid to talk about it or share with others, it's all part of how I got to where I am, but the best way to fight for the unborn and help these women is to educate them. They need to know the full effect of their decision, on them, the child, and everyone else involved because it does effect everyone. And that support needs to be there without judgement. Regardless of the decision, your life is changed FOREVER, so they need to know the weight of that decision.
Date: May 4, 2012
As I sit here and try not to choke up, I still find it hard to believe that I ended the life of my first child. The day my baby's heart took its last beat was on April 3rd at 2:33 pm. My baby was 7 weeks & 3 days old when it last lived in me. I remember that day like it was just yesterday, and I will remember it for the rest of my life. I remember the day I saw the bright blue plus sign staring into my fearful eyes. I was 2 weeks late, but didn't really freak out thinking it was just my period acting up again. Sure enough, a couple days later I start noticing the symptoms and I lost it. I was indeed 4 weeks pregnant with my first child.
Telling the father was not something I planned on doing. We had just gotten back together after I forgave him for getting a girl pregnant (who's baby is due this May) while we had broken up. He told me he did not love her and that she was just simply going to be the mother of his little girl. He told me he loved me and only me and that he hated the mom. I envied her and it hurt me because he knew and I knew that I loved him and that I wanted to have his first child in the future when we were both stable and financially ready. Regardless of the pain I felt, I agreed to be there for his little girl and treat her as if she was my own.
Telling him was not easy. I simply could not find a way to tell him he had knocked me up before his other child was born. I could just picture the pale color his face would turn if he heard those 2 words come out of my mouth. As we met up and I had tears in my eyes he knew. I did not even have to say the words and he knew. My hands were trembling, I was frozen with fear and I could not even mumble a word. The following 3 weeks were the worst weeks of my life. They changed the way I looked at him. He suggested abortion even though he knew I was against it. I knew he was against it too because his sister had an abortion and when he found out it hurt him a lot. So the fact that he tried and tried to drill that idea into my head hurt me a lot. He would text me telling me that I was not going to have this child. He would say hurtful things like that I was just trying to trap him down, that if I had his child he would make my life a living hell for the next 18 years, that I was f---ing retarded if I thought having this kid was going to be okay. All I could do was cry every night. The one person I thought was going to be there for me was the one going against me. I was so scared and I felt so alone. Eventually he calmed down and gently convinced me of it. He cried over the phone and told me that we couldn't have it now. That it was just bad timing. Eventually I gave in to the pressure and booked the date. My friend had to take me due to the fact that he couldn't come down since he lived 2 hours away and would have no place to stay at night because I knew my parents would not let him stay and my parents did not even know I was pregnant.
After the surgery, I went to a friends house and stayed the night. She let me stay in her guest room and just sleep. She made me some warm soup and tea even though I did not ask her too. All that just hurt me more knowing that the person who should have been doing that was him. I felt so alone and all I could do was cry and say sorry my little one. I'm soo sorry. I saw him for the first time that weekend and it was hard. I didn't know what to say. The only words that came out of my mouth were, "It was so scary.." and I continued to cry and he held me and said, 'I'll never make you do anything like that again, I'm soo sorry." I hated that the one person who wasn't there for me was the only person who's hugs actually made me feel better. When I saw him, I felt as if all the love I had for him was starting to die. I started questioning everything. To this day I still don't know weather to try with him or not. He said he's sorry but we still haven't really talked about it. It just hurts that he'd pressure me (the girl he "loves") to have an abortion and not the other girl. I'm not saying I would want her to get one but it just hurts. His actions made me feel as if she's' the one he truly loved. It hurts that before I knew I was pregnant, he would talk about maybe going to court to fight for his little girl if the mom decided she didn't want him in the picture. It just makes me wish he would have fought over our child like that. I just don't know why he acted the way he did. I'm so hurt and I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive him. I love him but what he did was so cruel. He left me alone and pressured me when I was at my weakest. He left me alone when instead he should have been there no mater what decision I chose. He apologized but I'm just so hurt I don't know if I could ever look at him the same way. I love him and I want to be with him but a part of me says no. I feel like if he couldn't be there for our own child, what makes him think I'd want to be there for his?? I know that's cold, but I'm just so hurt. It hurts to think that instead of holding my own child, I will be holding his child that he had with another woman. I know it is not the child's fault, but I just feel like it'd hurt me so much. I am so lost and confused. All I can think about is my baby. All I have is an ultrasound picture and the sound of her heartbeat playing and playing in my head. I cry almost every night, knowing that I could have been a mother but instead of holding my baby I have empty arms and an empty uterus. I have so much regret. I know my baby and God have forgiven me, but I cannot forgive myself. I just want my baby back inside me wiggling it's little arms and feet around. I just want my baby back.
Location: La Habra, California
Date: May 1, 2012
I just had an abortion 11 days ago. My boyfriend is 21; we have been steady for several months now and are planning on getting engaged before he leaves to go to Basic Training. I kept having stomach pains, and he encouraged me to get a test. The night before I took the test we laid in bed and discussed the possibilities. He said that abortion was the best way to go because of my age and his job situation. He said it wasn't time. I told him I didn't believe in abortion, and I wasn't sure if I could even handle it - if I could emotionally tolerate myself afterwards. He assured me I wouldn't be doing it alone... When I [reminded] him that he [told me he wouldn't leave me] regardless of my ultimate choice... I knew he wasn't happy. I wanted to keep it. I knew that this feeling would be here, but (I told myself) it was selfish for me to keep it [since he didn't want me to]... I went in last Wednesday and I cried the whole time; I hated every minute of it. I've cried almost every day since then. When I hear someone talk about babies or being pregnant, it tears a hole in my heart. I may not be ready, I know I'm not. But that wasn't the right thing to do; I regret it every single day. I'll never know what could have been. I could have pulled together and given that child all the love I had... I'll never know if it had my eyes, or his lips, or what kind of person it would have become. Anyone debating getting an abortion, IF YOU ARE NOT ONE HUNDRED PERCENT SURE THAT THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT, THEN DON'T, DON'T DO IT. If abortion is not something you WANT, then you won't be happy with it afterwards; it's not gonna go away like a bad day. It will be there forever. It's a terrible, terrible feeling.
Location: Goldsboro, NC
Date: April 21, 2012
I have had 4 abortions. The first 2 were strongly encouraged by my parents. I was young and so uneducated and naive. My parents wanted this, and I still thought that my parents knew everything at that age. I didn't see anything wrong with doing it because they thought it was OK. I have always worked at getting their approval so it felt right to do what they asked. The last two were of my own doing and due to different situations. Am I ashamed? YES. Do I regret it? YES. I am older now, and I understand completely what happens during an abortion. If you are reading this and considering aborting your baby - yes, it is a baby (not just cells) - know this .... THERE WILL BE A DAY THAT THE REALITY OF WHAT YOU DID WILL SINK IN!!! THE REGRET AND PAIN WILL TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY AND YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ESCAPE THE DEEP SORROW YOU FEEL!!!
What ever you are going through right now does not even begin to compare to what you will go through in the future. My reasons for having mine were powerful, and the situations for the last two were overwhelming. I felt I had no choice at the time - I really did. The last one was due to health issues that were dangerous (but that) doesn't matter, I still cannot forgive myself. Save yourself, save your baby - find someone to help you through this very trying time. There are so many people willing and able to help you. Just about every church has a program to help those in need. Please just stop and look around you for help.
Date: April 16, 2012
I am the mother of 2 little boys. Motherhood is hard for me. Single motherhood is even harder. I chose to have an abortion when I was 24. I meet plenty of moms who had their children at that age and younger. I would have been a thinner and more energetic mom for sure. Not sure if I would have been very responsible, or loving or mentally stable. I was a mess back then, but I did want to keep the baby. I scheduled the abortion but decided to keep the baby on the drive home (from the clinic) and told a couple of family members. My now former sister-in-law immediately took charge and made sure I went through with abortion. She even went with me. I kinda hate that I allowed her to direct my life like that. I needed someone to tell me what to do so I let her. I really try to live without regret and believe I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, but babies change lives and I wonder where I would be if I did not abort my first baby... [When] I see protesters with babies strapped to their chests, bumper stickers or billboards, I am mostly left with a feeling of judgement which does nothing but complicate my healing process. I think people who feel strongly about this issue do the most good by supporting efforts in places that assist women who have decided to keep their babies or by living in a way that empowers women to live their lives exactly how God made them instead of how certain sectors of society believe all women should live. Only then can I imagine abortion might end.
Location: Louisville, KY
Date: April 15, 2012
When I was 16, I found out that I was pregnant on Mother's Day, and I had been writing a term paper for school on pro-life. Kind of ironic, huh? I didn't want to believe it, so I tried to ignore the results of the test, but it was hard to given that I was writing an essay on that topic.
I was an active member at my church, and I knew that they would look down on me no matter what choice I made, and I was right. My church wanted to send me to another church, a place full of strangers to help me through the pregnancy. With no support, I became afraid.
I wanted to keep it, but they didn't support me, nor did my family, especially my father.
My dad printed out all sorts of things for me to look at: the expenses of a child and the places mothers without homes end up and stuff of that nature. He would talk behind my back, and I would hear it through the grapevine.
"That's not my daughter, if she has it, I will disown her and it."
I went to my aunt, who told me that she had had an abortion earlier in her life. I was shocked to hear this. She told me that she would support me either way, but she wanted to show me something.
She brought me to her friend's home, a woman with 3 kids and no support. She told me how miserable my life would be if I kept it.
I went on to find out that a friend of mine was also pregnant. She was in the same week that I was in, 12 weeks. She went on to have her child. I did not.
Not feeling like I had support, I became afraid and ran away the day that my parents scheduled the abortion. This made my father furious. He wanted to kill my boyfriend. I was afraid for him.
I felt that the child would have brought pain, misery, anger, and expulsion from my family, so I went through with it. I was not mentally there when I made the choice. I feel like another part of me went there and went through everything for me. It was like I was watching a part of my life.
After I woke up, I saw that the nurse had carelessly left the chart of the before and after ultrasound. I wanted to die after I saw that. My aunt told me that I saved my father a trip from going to jail.
It has been 5 years, and I live in regret. It's hard watching my friend's child knowing that mine would have been the same age as him. It's like watching my child growing up, but I know he's not here. Because I allowed my fear to kill my child. I think about it every day. My father always says "I can't believe you are still upset about that,'' and that hurts more. When I do have children, I don't want them to have anything to do with him because I am still so hurt, and he always reopens that wound that I have.
Date: April 11, 2012
When I turned 18, I met a guy who I thought loved God. He often preached in our church and played the keyboard in the worship band. We were together for almost three years and to this day, I still cannot believe how blind I was to this wolf in sheep's clothing. We prayed together, read the Bible together and remained sexually pure almost the entire time we were together. The change in him was so sudden, it was like flipping a light switch. One day, things were perfect. He had even asked me to marry him and I said yes. The very next day, things turned into a nightmare. He started the whole "if you love me, you'll do this" thing. He begged me for 3 months to just give it up and have sex with him. He started filling my head with the lie that if he couldn't have me, no one else could or would even want me. He became controlling and verbally abusive. He never hit me or was forceful with me but the more and more he spit nasty, hurtful words at me, the more I started to believe him. After 6 months of his pleading me to have sex with him, one night I finally just caved. I was so emotionally and spiritually beat down and weak that I just quit fighting it. It wasn't some nice, love-filled experience in a hotel room on the beach after my dream wedding, like I had always hoped. It was dirty and the most love-absent experience I ever went through. I didn't get to lose my virginity to a man of God after a Holy Spirit filled wedding. Instead, I believed the lie that no one else would want me and I gave it up behind a run down grocery store building in the bed of a Chevy Silverado. We had sex a lot of times after that simply because I didn't want to be alone. After 3 or 4 months of this, I became pregnant. I told him and he was FURIOUS. He said it was all my fault, and that I did this to him on purpose to ruin his nice little image. He called the clinic and made an appointment for me. A week after finding out I was pregnant, I had an abortion. I was filled with regret and shame from the moment I got out of his truck and set foot on the pavement to go inside. He didn't even go in with me! That was 5 years ago now and I still haven't forgiven myself. I don't know if I ever will. I killed a dream of the Lord, I put an end to it because I believed a lie. I know that Jesus forgives as long as we ask but I'm just not so sure He can forgive me for that. I am now 26 years old and I'm happily engaged to be married to a true man of God. He has no idea about this area of my life and I would be so ashamed if he ever knew. I don't know how to forgive myself and I don't know how to accept God's forgiveness. I often dream about the baby I let be murdered... I know God is taking much better care of my sweet baby than I ever could have. I just hope He forgives me and knows how sorry I am.
Location: Johnson City, TN
Date: April 9, 2012
I was raised in a devout, Catholic family and even volunteered at pro-life centers. I've always been passionate about embracing life and protecting the unborn. I turned 18 and went nuts - was drunk all the time and heavily addicted to methamphetamine. I didn't care about anything. Shocker, I turned out pregnant with my life of promiscuous irresponsible behavior. I put off the abortion until I was 15 weeks. Disgusting. I continued this downward spiral until I became pregnant again. I never thought about abortion with this pregnancy. I'm the mother of a perfect 2 year old son, and I look at him every day and wonder how I could have killed a child. If you have any type of conscience, the regret will never go away. By choosing abortion you are in turn choosing a heavy burden to carry. A child is always a thing of joy - something I never fully understood until I gave birth. My life is complete although my heart still hurts. It's hard to talk about this in detail. Choose life.
Location: San Antonio, TX
Date: April 9, 2012
An accomplice to murder, that's what I am... Not just once but three times. In my teenage years I was the "go-to" man for just about anything. I knew where the party was, the dope, the fun, and unfortunately, the abortion.
The first was one my best friend's girlfriend. She'd gotten pregnant and they both knew they did not want the baby. I was put in charge of finding out the necessary information on where the best and most"professional" place to have an abortion. As any good friend would do, I found out where that place would be, how to pay, made the appointment, and even drove them to the clinic (I was also the most knowledgeable about Atlanta). I remember going there and seeing the place, it wasn't scary or ugly but I knew (even then) that something was not right about that place, it just seemed dark and well evil. I remember sitting with my buddy in the lobby while his girlfriend went back all alone to have her abortion. Nobody knew about this trip except us three and when I say nobody, I mean nobody (not her parents, not his, and not mine, it was all done secretly). I don't remember how long it took but when she came out, she kinda jumped out of the door and said "it's over, lets go". She was, for all intensive purposes, acting like she always had, like nothing was ever wrong. I remember thinking, wow, she just killed a baby and she seems okay with it. We then went to get some prescriptions filled, something to eat, and then headed home. It always bothered me.
I spoke with the girlfriend some 20 years later about that day. She was scarred and yet had come to peace with it as she had resolved her life by surrendering it to Jesus. She discussed her difficult years and I apologized for my part. The main thing is that we were both scarred, her more than me but nonetheless we both carried the scars of that decision.
The second was about a year later. Another close friend came and told me his girlfriend was pregnant and they wanted to have an abortion. He knew I knew the place they could go. So, I gave them all the information and they took care of their abortion.
My friend later confided in me that he was having a very difficult time with it and his now former girlfriend had just about lost it. She just couldn't get it out of her head what she had done... Killed her baby.
The third came about another year later. This time, it was my sister. Our parents knew and knew what they wanted. Nobody liked the boyfriend and nobody wanted her tied to him. I volunteered my services and all was set-up. It was the same place as the other two and like the first, I was the driver and point person.
This time it was very different. After the abortion my sister lay in the back seat weeping and wondering if she'd ever be forgiven for killing a baby. Her quote was "How can I be forgiven for murder?" She wept and wept and wept. Things were very silent around the house. My sister had a tough recovery as she bled a lot and cried a lot.
For me, I thought how would I be forgiven for helping murder three unborn children. I prayed for my sister and our family. Yep, I said pray. In the most outward way, we represented a Christian family, we just didn't wear our sin on our sleeve where everybody could see. For me, I can't fully say that I was a believer simply because of the way I was living any fruit was rotten and non-existent.
Somehow, we all made it through that dark moment. We never really talked about it. It was all dealt with in sublime gestures and "looks" between each other. We knew we'd done wrong and our way of dealing with it was with unspoken gestures, hugs, and silence.
In all honesty, I do not think my sister has fully worked through or processed all of that and I pray that God will one day set her free from that time by showing her His forgiveness but I know it is difficult for her to process. She now serves the Lord faithfully and is happily married with children of her own.
Back to the accomplice, once I had a real revelation of who Jesus is, I began to ponder these times in my life. After careful consideration of the evidence and I knew I was just as guilty of murder as the three that had them. I asked God if this were true? He said, yes but my grace is sufficient for you and them. I confessed my sin and asked him to forgive me and He did.
While I know I have been forgiven and forgiveness is readily available to my friends and family, I (like them) have to live with the memories and believe me, they are real.
Date: April 7, 2012
When I was 16, I was in a very serious motorcycle accident on March 31, 1979. At the time, I was pregnant but had no idea. The accident nearly took my leg. I was in surgery for hours that night and in intensive care the following two weeks. I finally was put into my own room (open wound isolation) when one day my orthopedic doctor came in and told me that "we have a situation." I was pregnant. He told me that in his "professional opinion," it was imperative that I have an abortion as soon as possible, or risk losing my leg. I didn't want this at all. I was hysterical with my boyfriend, begging him to help me stand up to the doctor so we could keep our baby. He slapped my face and told me I had to go through with [the abortion]. From then on the whole thing was arranged so my parents wouldn't know. They had a social worker come in, and she got me signed up on the state Medi-Cal program so that they would pay for it, and further hide it from my parents. Next week would be the anniversary of this event, 4/21/79. My child would be 33 years old. It's so sad, so wrong, and I was so young. I trust in God my Savior to forgive and to heal as he has for me already. He can for others too. He is a very big God.
Location: Petaluma, CA
Date: April 6, 2012
When I was 18, I was on drugs and out of control. I met someone, had sex with him and ended up pregnant. I didn't even like this person. I had been on cocaine and I was scared. I was very far along in the pregnancy. In fact, if I had waited another 2 days, I would not have been able to have it. I made bad choices. I decided not to ever tell him, and I had an abortion. I ended up with someone else who I did love and married very quickly after that. About 8 months after I had my abortion, I married this guy. We got pregnant and I had my son the following January. Three months later, I was pregnant again. Abortion had worked the first time, and we weren't wanting another baby so quickly. So we did it again. Our marriage was on the rocks and my son was 3 and a half years old, we were separated by this time. I got pregnant for the 4th time. He threatened me with abandonment. Told me that if I didn't get an abortion he would leave and go to Australia and never pay me a dime of child support. So like a dummy I did it a 3rd time. I have regretted all of them and I have a lot of pain in my life due to this. Years later when I was 31 years old, I met someone and once again outside of wedlock got pregnant again. This time I had my child. I have a 24 year old and a 14 year old now. I thank God I was given the opportunity to have another child. I wish I could undo the things I've done. Abortion is a nightmare and having had 3 of them honestly is unconscionable. I live with shame. I hate what I did. I see kids that are the ages mine would be and I think of them all the time. I want to go to an abortion recovery group, but I haven't. I have fear about that as well. I have known many people who are in the group at my church and they are all nice. Everyone of them have had ONE abortion and NONE of them have had multiple. I don't want to talk to people who are going to be judgmental about it. I did stupid things because I was stupid. I was young and didn't have good information. My mom was instrumental in all of this and so was my older sister. I have had resentments towards them for years over it. As well as, it is information that they have used against me when it was CONVENIENT. I'm just tired of holding all this in and that is why I am posting something about it somewhere. I've never talked about this with anyone EVER. Not even my mom and sister. I have been in conversations with people from church and I listen to men and women talking about how DISGUSTED they are by women who have had abortions. This is 99.9% of the reason that people like me don't come forward and talk about them.
Location: East Texas
Date: April 6, 2012
I was 18 years old, when my high school sweetheart told me that she was pregnant. Her mother was furious, even though she did not know her daughter was pregnant. She just thought the daughter had a pregnancy test. The mother said, "If she is pregnant, she is going to have an abortion." However, my girlfriend never told her mother she was pregnant - at least that I know of. I passed the decision off to my girlfriend, and her friend gave her the money for the abortion. To this day, I still feel regret - tremendous, unrelenting regret. What if I had been man enough to take responsibility? I have had six children of my own. Every time I think of that girlfriend, I think of the other child I have in heaven.
Location: Huntsville, Alabama
Date: April 6, 2012
I had just had my second child, a daughter. She was only 4-months-old. I had a son who was 3-years-old. I told my husband that I was pregnant. He flipped out. He said no way. He didn't want it. I said, whats the difference, 2 or 3? He said he didn't want it no matter what. He told his parents. They flipped. You're not having it. No way. I cried and cried. I was under their control. I had no option. I said I would leave. They said, not with the kids, like she, his mother, could take care of them. It was awful. I feel so guilty. It's been 24 years. I still have nightmares about it. I remember cying all the way over to the place. He didn't care. Just do it, mom and dad are paying for it so you are having it done. I had no money, no transportation of my own. I had no choice. It was the worst thing in my life. I just hope god will forgive me.
Location: Skowhegan, ME
Date: April 3, 2012
I had an abortion 8 years ago, and it haunts me every day. I was 21. I already had a one-year-old boy from a previous relationship, and I got pregnant with my new boyfriend, whom I was madly in love with. I was afraid that having another baby at that time would make life way harder than it already was. My boyfriend told me it was up to me, that it was my decision. I wish he hadn't said that. I should have told him it was his decision too. I have a feeling he would have told me to keep it. I wish he did. I wish I did. I regret my abortion every day. Even though I am now married (to a different man) and now have two beautiful boys, 9 and 3, I still ache for the baby whose life I so selfishly ended. I am sooo sorry for what I did. I think about it every single day and have not forgiven myself. I don't know if I ever will. That baby would have been seven-years-old now. I am so sorry. I am so so so sorry.
Location: Spokane, WA
Date: April 3, 2012
About a month after I turned 18, I found out I was pregnant. I was a senior in high school. My mom is a big pro-life advocate, so she got upset, but she was so understanding. My sister on the other hand treated me like I was nothing but trailer trash. She even said that to my face [and] made my pregnancy a living hell. My boyfriend (who is now my husband), was so supportive and was there for me through everything. Well, anyway, I tried hiding it for the first couple months but my morning sickness was so bad that I was in bed most the time feeling like I had a 24/7 stomach bug. I missed school so much because of this, that I finally dropped out until after the baby was born. Then I didn't have time to go to school really, so I signed up for Penn foster online high school. It was so easy that way. About six months after my daughter was born, I found out I was pregnant again. I think it was even worse this time since I knew how I would be treated already. I think the main person who influenced my abortion was my sister. My boyfriend and I lied and said we wanted a night alone, just the two of us, so we paid for a room at a local hotel. We had the abortion scheduled at a local clinic the following morning. Before we checked into the hotel, I had to go to clinic to start the dilation of my cervix (I was at 13 weeks). The cramps were unbearable. They lasted for hours that night. The next morning we checked out of the hotel and headed to the clinic again. Afterward, we went home and tried to act like it never happened. About 3 days after, I got a call from an adoption agency saying they found a couple who wanted my baby. I broke down and cried right there. We have never told anyone. I was hoping that it was something that I could just forget about but its not true. I think about it every day, it even affects the relationship between me and my daughter. I'm in the process of getting on anti-depressants since I am 100% sure that I have some type of depression. I hope maybe this will change someone's mind and help them choose a better option. I wish I had chosen adoption.
Location: Woonsocket, RI
Date: March 31, 2012
The date I had an abortion was the 24th November 2008, and I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 13 years old and terrified at what was going on inside my body and around me. I was so ashamed of the whole situation and I got so depressed. I regret it every day... The person I slept with was 15 years old and so immature for his age, and neither of us would have been able to cope. I look at life now and wish the whole thing never happened, and I know that people say 'your past makes you who you are' or whatever, but I hate that. I hate missing a child that I decided to get rid of. I hate looking at other mothers and thinking 'that could be me.' I spoke to someone after it happened and I remember saying at the time, I'll never be able to forgive myself until I'm older and have children. But now I don't know if I'm able to have them. I had a miscarriage September 2011 and it just makes me think, 'have I missed my chance or what?'
Date: March 29, 2012
I was a full-time college student and mother of a three year old when [I got] pregnant. Immediately, I became stressed because I was in a crazy position, and the stress caused me to feel very alone... After weeks of debating, I made an appointment to get an abortion. I was quickly told I didn't qualify for the pill because I was too far along in my pregnancy. I had two visits to the clinic, one for the ultrasound and February 18 was my scheduled abortion day. After I pulled up to the clinic, I was greeted by a group of four people with signs protesting, trying to get the young women including myself to change their minds. After sitting in the clinic waiting room with a group of women who all seemed not to care they were getting ready to end their child's life, I remember the nurse coming to get me. I laid down, and all I heard was this suctioning noise, and that noise still haunts me. I was 9-10 weeks when my baby was taken away from me. I left out of that place feeling empty and in pain. I'm suppose to be holding and loving a sixth month old baby right now, but all I'm left with is emptiness... Abortions are horrible please don't get one, please give your baby a chance at life or look at adoption as an alternative. It's been a year and month since my abortion. I still deal with post abortion stress which has caused me to be unhappy with my life and most of the time I have no control over my feelings. I passed the clinic one day on the way home, and it was hard driving because I was overtaken with emotions. I vowed to never ride by that place again. I made a horrible mistake, one that will haunt me forever.
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
Date: March 28, 2012
I will never forgot the day I got an abortion. I was at the lowest point of my life. I had gotten a DUI two weeks before I found out I was pregnant. I had just moved back with my mom and my on-again-off-again boyfriend had no desire to be a parent 'yet.' I was devastated I always claimed to be pro-life and promised myself I would never [have an abortion]. With no savings, no license, living with my mom, and a man who simply had no interest to be a father, I schedule an appointment at an abortion clinic. The first thing they gave me was an ultrasound and the worst got worse. I was pregnant with twins. I remember screams from inside saying, "run, you don't have to do this there are other options." While the internal battle continued, I remembered the voices of so many who said abortion is OK, politicians, the President, my friends, my family, and the man that I thought had loved me. So despite my doubts I went through with the abortion. The abortionist was not discreet with the fetuses (excuse the vulgarity) I saw my lifeless children on a medical tray. I hated and loathed who I had become. A hypocrite, a killer, and most of all another statistic of someone who had received an abortion for "social reasons." There is hope. I found grace and mercy at the Throne of God and have been healed and forgiven. In honor of my babies that are now with Jesus, I will speak out against the "rights of women" and speak out for the rights of [those] who can't yet speak for themselves.
Location: Omaha, NE
Date: March 27, 2012
Like every other story, I fell in love with a man that I wanted to marry. I would do anything for him. We were together for over a year when I became pregnant. I knew even before I took the test, there was a baby inside. I was so scared when I found out; I had no steady job and no one to turn too. This was seven years ago. I am now married, but in a twist of fate, my husband does not want kids, and I see all my friends moving on and having kids. It's truly sad when you feel like you have no purpose. I was told that the baby would have been born on March 16th. Tomorrow marks 7 years of "what if?" All I know is that I think about her, my dearest Emilee.
Date: March 15, 2012
There is no religious irrationality clouding my mind, no shallow soliloquies of the unborn crying to mommy. At 7 weeks, sentience is questionable, but there is no forward thinking of missed prom nights and thrown baseballs. I am not so mystical to think that a fetus can comprehend the life they were going to lead if allowed to develop. There are a myriad of possibilities that all of this emotional jibberish that results from choosing this path - ending this life - fails to take into account and I refuse to fall prey to that.
Choosing a rationally based life comes with many advantages. It means that I am completely aware of where I stand, I can follow my logic back and forth with ease. You'll see no waiver in in my convictions, simply because this is a time of weakness. Logic is a strong foundation.
Yet for me, there is also no promise of a mystical or divine forgiveness. What we did, when you parse through the logic, when you observe the cost benefit analysis, when you recount the facts, was wrong. I don't write to absolve myself. Talking may make one feel better, but it doesn't change the facts.
I've always considered myself secular, liberal, yet pro-life, a rare thing in the US. I don't think abortion is wrong because some man floating in a cloud says it is wrong (or rather some man in a funny hat saying he speaks for the man floating in a cloud). The truth is what you have is a combination of DNA that will never again exist on the face of the planet. It isn't wrong because of some fear of what will happen in the afterlife if you do it; it is wrong because life is possibly all there is. You deny that and you deny everything.
I still follow that logic. But in January, there was panic. In January, logic was abandoned and a regime of inflated apocalyptic forecasting was favored.
We had done everything right. We are monogamous, in a long term relationship where for 3 years our method of preventing pregnancy had worked flawlessly.
So there were stages of panic. How could this happen? A combination of a faulty thermometer and taking for granted years of charting that said my cycle is two days longer than it was in December. Anger at circumstance, all of these irrational outbursts. What should we do? What are our options?
We are new here, both moving from across the country. It is a small town, my job is very public. His job is very demanding; he will rarely be home in the summer months, when I would need him the most. We aren't married, but even if we were, that doesn't change the facts. We have very little money. I have no insurance, and would get no maternity leave; he has bad insurance, he was going in for surgery in a few weeks that was already going to put him into debt. I am still paying off student loans. Our family and friends are back east - we have no support community.
When you look at the cost benefit analysis of having a child versus not having a child, it is clear, a child would have suffered with us as parents. And we would have suffered, which would have resulted in further suffering for a child. It would have resulted in future children being disadvantaged as well. People who are poor and pregnant usually stay poor if they stay pregnant. And we'd never get the money we'd need to get back east where our support community is.
Of course though, that logic only works if you are considering the decision of to become pregnant or not to become pregnant. The weight of actually killing somebody in order to avoid the above mentioned costs tilts the balance of the scale significantly.
Did I exaggerate? Could we have made ends meet somehow? I don't know, I can't say, I can only speculate. Accordingly, I am still not sure if it was THE wrong thing to do. The possibilities are endless, but the probabilities are few.
A wrong thing to do and THE wrong thing to do are two entirely different things though. It was a wrong thing to do. There can be no doubt there.
So for that, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for what we did to you.
There is nothing to do to rationalize our action. No punishment that will absolve, no way to make amends, no higher up to grant forgiveness.
I said, "This is a decision we have to make together. If you say, lets leave this place, then we will leave."
He said, "Are you sure we can't figure something out? I am not sure I can do this."
He had been crying since we found out, crying about doing something, crying about not doing something. For the first time, I cried, "I just won't have a future."
Now I have a future still. But if you don't learn from your experiences, then it is truly a waste. Though nothing can make this not a waste.
(I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.)
What could I have done, to ground our actions in the rational logic I like to cling to? What could I have done to get out of that panic zone? Probably a million things, though it is hard to tell anyone beset by crippling emotion that they must simply stand up and shake it off.
The choice, the responsibility, the wrong, was mine, ours. But the support to explore other options and talk down two scared people was also not there. The focus on preventing these killings is strong, and justifiably so, but shouldn't the focus on making sure the circumstances, the environment of being born is welcome and safe, be also strong? How much easier is it to make a rational decision, of life versus death, when you do not have the fear of no insurance, no money, no future, haunting your judgment? Is it a good thing to think, If I have a baby, the very next day I will have another choice: Go to work and leave an infant alone and starving or stay home and at best, not get paid and thus be barely able to feed ourselves and pay bills, at worst, lose the job completely?
I think things would have been different in a different society. I think some women would be able to keep their heads on straight, and make the right choice, if there were more options available to them.
But nothing, nothing, nothing in the world makes what we did OK.
I wish I could have done things differently.
You'd be 13 weeks. Who would you have been? I don't know. I can only speculate, but now nobody ever will know.
Location: Rural California
Date: March 12, 2012
I found out I was pregnant when I started summer school at college! My ex-boyfriend of 4 years said he supported me. I was so scared and confused, being the fist child of three sisters and a brother. I felt pressured to keep up a good image. I decided I wasn't ready! My boyfriend supported me! His big brother took us to the clinic! I remember how scared I was! I had just turned 18 a few months ago. How was I in this position?! My baby was three months old! I still wonder what it would have been! Now that I've found my true love and hope for a baby, it seems impossible. I feel like god is punishing me. To this day, I fall asleep crying, feeling unworthy for killing a part of me, my blood, my angel! It's something I'll have to live with forever! And I hope one day god forgives me, because I still can't forgive myself!
Location: Los Angeles
Date: March 11, 2012
I had my abortion not even a week ago. The procedure was last Tuesday. I was always so against abortion. I've been pro-life since I could remember. When I was 16, I got pregnant with my boyfriend that I am still with today and I kept the baby. He's now a healthy little boy! I found out that I was pregnant again right after his first birthday. My boyfriend (his father) automatically said abortion and told me to start calling around. I did so, but I never felt right about it. As the weeks passed, I looked at ultrasound pictures online and read up on the development of the baby was inside of me. A couple days before my first appointment with Planned Parenthood, I cried hard. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but my boyfriend made it seem like it would be the best decision and it would benefit our year-old son. At my first appointment, they did an ultrasound, which I saw frozen and way zoomed back, so it just looked like a little dot/ball. I was told I was about 6 weeks, 1 day. Four days later, I went in for the procedure. I felt everything. It hurt so bad and the doctors and nurses were all so young and just yapping away. My fists were clenched and I was in tears. I couldn't help but wonder if I could feel it, could my baby feel it too? Ever since then, I can't help but feel sad. I want my baby back. I shouldn't have done what I did. There are other options I could have chosen from. Now, I know that my initial perspective and feelings toward abortions were correct. They're wrong. and I am in fact against them.
Date: March 10, 2012
I was 19, and my ex-boyfriend and I were and still are in college. Scared, the first person who came to mind was my mom and how poor our family is and how I can't afford to fail her and put her through this. I know she would have done her best to help, but just the thought of failure consumed my mind. However, I knew that I had to tell my boyfriend, and my decision would depend on how supportive he was about it. Without a question, he suggested abortion, and we made the decision to follow through with it. I was six weeks and the procedure itself took only about 5 minutes. I did my best to try to suppress any thoughts about it and avoided thinking about it, to avoid getting attached to the fetus. However, I could not get rid of the lingering thought that it was going to be a boy. We both decided to keep it a secret between us, and he went to the clinic with me. I knew it was going to be hard for us afterward, and I asked him to bear with me and be there for me during this hard time. I wanted us to use this situation as a learning experience, for us to grow together and someday become good parents, because I knew we weren't ready. I want to improve myself so that someday, I CAN be a good parent because I feel like I failed. There's a missing link between the person I was and the person I want to become. At times, I feel like going back to being 20 and doing everything that 20-year-olds do, but I can't because I no longer feel the same. But I try, because I want to hide. But at the same time, I beat myself up for not being responsible, and I wonder If I'll ever be a good parent. I'm lazy and I sit at the computer all day and have no motivation to do anything because I am depressed. The boyfriend, cheated on me 2 weeks after the procedure as an easy way out. I have begged him for emotional support to no avail. Goes to show, that I should have kept my baby and not relied on a man for support. I don't even know if I even believe in relationships anymore. You can't expect a man to protect, provide, or even be a parent... so what CAN you expect? I hope that one day I am able to find myself again, because when you have an abortion, you lose a part of yourself. Because you think you know who you are and what you stand for and what you believe in, but I don't even know who I am or what I am about anymore.
Location: Houston, TX
Date: March 8, 2012
I got rid of my baby a few years ago. There was an Indian man I was with. I was still very naive and childish when I found out I was pregnant. I wished to have a family, but could not trust my partner who got even more confused than me:(( We used to live in the UK back than and he worked illegally there, so there was a slim chance to get married without him getting caught. I wished to have a husband, not only a boyfriend. I was in trouble and could not guess if the guy was with me for visa or not. He tried to take me to church to get married while I tried to explain that I was scared he would get caught by the police and sent back to India for good, leaving me a single mum in the UK, in a country I don't even originate from! He then told be to take a pill to kill the child as he said: "I don't want that kid if you don't marry me." It was a nightmare. Horrible paradox: I killed my baby because I feared to be a single mum and not able to make a proper family for it:( I cannot properly describe what damage it has caused to me in my future relationships with men. Now I am in love, but still continue to talk about the issue that has made me not stronger, but more vulnerable. I BEG you ladies, please, please don't do what I did!! No matter the reason. You will know, even on the day of the abortion that it's wrong. It's killing.
Date: March 7, 2012
Unfortunately, I wasn't in a relationship when I found out I was pregnant or when I had the abortion.
My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me, and I thought having sex with someone else would help me take my mind off of things. I found out a couple of weeks later my period was late. Then eventually it never came. Being that it was towards the end of the school year, I figured it was due to stress; not pregnancy.
After a while, I got back in touch with my ex boyfriend, and we wanted to fix things between us. But I told him how my period never came, and he convinced me to take a pregnancy test. I was reluctant to do so because if I found out I was (pregnant), I didn't know what I would do! I didn't know how I would handle it and how my family would handle it. And the worst part about it is that I didn't know the father. I had a pretty good guess, but the fact that I didn't know who fathered my child was just bad enough.
So, I waited 3 months to get the abortion. And being at that clinic was the scariest part. I asked for anesthesia because I'd rather not be awake during the process, but I wish I was. As the nurses were asking me questions, I saw the doctor setting up tools, getting ready to abort my baby, and that's when I realized I didn't want to go through with it anymore. I didn't want to abort the baby that I already learned to love. I had changed my mind. And as my lips were forming the words "stop"...I fell asleep and woke up without a baby and a broken heart. A part of me died when I realized I was no longer pregnant. Although the baby wasn't with the man I loved, I loved that baby!
So time went by. I took some summer school classes. And now it's spring semester and my post-abortion feelings have hit me quite hard. I'm not exactly sure what to do! I am full of so much regret. I am back with my ex-boyfriend, but just last night he broke up with me because I can't handle my feelings. Because my abortion has made me so unhappy, and I feel like that it so unfair. I understand that abortion is something you must come to terms with but I just cannot do it at the moment. But I don't think that's a reason to break up with the girl you truly love and want to marry. I just wish he would understand this is the time I need him the most.
I am going crazy and I'm not sure what to do. I lost my baby, I'm dealing with these emotions, and now my boyfriend broke up with me because I can't come to terms with my feelings.
Location: Athens, GA
Date: March 5, 2012
I was nineteen years old when I became pregnant with my third child. I was fourteen when I had a miscarriage, but no one ever knew I was pregnant because I was in my early stages. I was eighteen when I got pregnant with my son who is now two years old. I had an abortion two years ago... now I'm filled with complete shame and guilt. Sometimes I just feel like giving up completely... if I ever become pregnant again, I will never, ever get an abortion. I really regret what I did, and I really pray that god will forgive me for committing an act of murder to my unborn child. I don't ever want to have another abortion ever, and I just hope and pray to god that he will bless me with a new life.
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Date: March 4, 2012
I guess I know more about abortion than the average person. I've had three. Of course, as I look back, I see I blamed everyone but myself. It was my parent's fault, my boyfriends' faults, on and on. It was really MY VERY OWN FAULT. Of course, back in the 70's when all this happened, there was a lot of ignorance about getting pregnant. I got a book from my Mother called "On Becoming a Woman" which was full of inaccuracies that I believed. I had a boyfriend who got my clothes off one night and the next thing I knew we were having sex. It was date rape, really. Once sex happens, it's really easy to talk yourself into saying it's ok to do it again. So, I did.
I ended up pregnant and married by 18. Back in those days you got married, no options. I hated my beautiful baby for wrecking my life. My husband was forced into marrying me, so he became controlling and then violent. My Mother died, and my Father disowned me, so I was an isolated victim. I was told I had to go to college to be a teacher, so I did. I went part time, worked part time, had another baby because I still didn't know what the heck I was doing. I dragged those two beautiful babies out in all weather, standing on bus stops, dropping them off on anyone who'd watch them so I could graduate. I did graduate after 7 years of this. By then my husband was punching me in the face, knocking me down stairs, and finally tried to suffocate me. He almost did. Oh, I forgot to say he forced me into having an abortion because he didn't want any more kids. Of course, I blamed him for that. Nothing was my fault. I ended up taking the kids and trying to fend for myself, but since he got me fired from my job and took the car, I had no way to take care of them. I took them back to his apartment, the biggest mistake of my entire life. This was in the early 70's when there were no laws protecting women from domestic violence. All that mattered was his reputation. I ended up struggling, homeless and alone. I was also pregnant again from some casual encounter I had. My brother paid for that abortion. I was living in another state then, an alcoholic. Who wouldn't be after the life I had? I went from one minimum wage job to another because I owed the college money I couldn't pay. I lived with a musician for a while and yes, got pregnant again. Of course, it wasn't MY fault, and yes, another abortion.
This time I swore to God I would never, ever go through that again. I didn't, either. I consider abortion murder, which it is. I killed three innocent children. I know more about what this does to a woman than most. I feel men or people who never have gone through this torture should have no say in it. It is not a choice. There isn't a woman alive who will choose to kill her own child. Every single woman who aborts does it because of financial or family pressure. There would be no such thing if we had proper birth control and reproductive education for our teens, boys and girls. When is it going to end? I thought after it happened to me that something would change. Yes, now pregnant girls can live at home! Big deal. There isn't a teen girl in this world who wants to voluntarily become a mother. They might, only if they don't realize the ramifications of it, of having another person to care for until they are an adult. Please, if you're reading this, do not have an abortion. Carry your child to term. You will live to regret your decision. I don't care how sure you are right now. You will realize how right I am as soon as the abortion is over. The dark feeling comes then, the black realization that your child is now a mass of blood in a garbage can.
Please learn from what I've done to myself. I imagine my children, who they would have been. I lost my older daughter after years of arguing and fighting over what a horrible mother I was to her. My second daughter isn't even speaking to me. The pain is forever. I did marry again in 1979 and carried a son to term. The doctor watched me every two weeks after six months because he was sure my cervix would fail. My son is healthy and strong and every time I look at him I know I don't deserve a son like him. I feel dirty and horrible and always will, no matter how much I pray for forgiveness. Please, respect your body. It's a temple of the Holy Spirit and you have no right having sex before you are an adult. Sex is meant for reproduction between married adults or consenting ADULTS. Teens are not adults. I know you long to be, but please accept your parents' guidance and listen to them. God gave you parents so they can care for you. Don't be belligerent and hostile to them, even if they have faults, which they do. They're human! Honor your parents. That's where I went wrong years ago. My life will never be what it could have been. Please learn from me. Thank you for reading this, and God bless you.
Location: Utica, New York
Date: February 27, 2012
When I found out I was pregnant, I was in such shock (though) I kind of knew I may have been. I had the symptoms. I was eating everything! I was having unprotected sex with my partner, but using Plan B as a back up. I have children already, an 11-year-old and twin girls that are 7. When I found out, I didn't know what to tell the father. We weren't in a relationship, but he is the father of my twin girls. He seemed okay with having [the abortion]. I already had my mind made up. But a piece of me didn't want to do it. It felt like a dream, it felt unreal. So the following day I had an ultrasound. They told me I was 5-weeks and would have to come back in a few days to have the procedure done. The nurse let me look at the sonogram. I have been pregnant before, and that was supposed to be a happy time for me! Well it wasn't. I looked and felt so sad and messed up. It felt so unreal. After leaving there, knowing I had to come back in a few days and have it done, I touched my belly and now understood why I was eating all crazy and everything in the house! And I knew that I wasn't going to keep it, already having children and not being in a relationship with their father. I knew this would be the right choice. I take care of my 11-year-old by myself. His father is not around, and I didn't want to take the chance of that happening again. I felt that it was the right thing to do. On 2/12/2012, yes Valentines day! the worst day ever to have it done, but that's the day it fell on, I had the procedure. I went back, they said I was 6-weeks, explained the procedure, put an IV in and before I knew it, it was all over. I felt so ashamed and empty. I kept thinking that I just threw a baby away, like it was nothing. It was living inside me, and I just threw it away! I wanted it back! It was too late. I have been so depressed since then. I went back for my follow up two days ago, and the nurse told me everything looked good. I saw the sonogram and [the womb] was emptied, empty like me. I keep telling myself it was for the better, but inside I know it was wrong. If you are planning on having an abortion, take a few days or a week to think about it. Don't rush into it like I did... take your time and think about it. My baby would have been born on October 11, 2012. Now I have two dates that I will remember for ever. Emotionally it hurts. I don't think this pain will ever go away!
Location: Baltimore, MD
Date: February 26, 2012
I was 15 when I had an abortion. When I got pregnant, I was scared to tell anyone and I decided to tell my granny instead of my mom. I was against abortion, and I told my granny I wouldn't get one, and she blew up with anger towards me. It seemed like I was the only one who knew it was a bad decision. My boyfriend was against it too until I told him how my granny reacted and then he just told me to get an abortion because he didn't want my family to look at him different. I started feeling confused and angry because I didn't want one done. I knew it was my decision, but my boyfriend saying that just made my choice change. We told my mom and she was upset, but she took it better than I thought. A few days later we went to the clinic. When I was about to give the lady the money, my boyfriend told me to not get one anymore and I was angry because it was last minute. I still ended up doing it and got an ultrasound picture. Just looking at it puts tears down my face. I know I was young, but I don't think it's right to take a life. I regret doing it still, and I hope I can be able to have kids in the future with him. That abortion was the worst thing I've ever had to go through, and it breaks me apart everyday I hate having to live with this guilt. :'(
Date: February 22, 2012
I had an abortion in October 2011. I was young and made a decision that was not smart. My baby's father was older than me, and to top it off, he was married. I felt so alone and I wanted to keep my baby, but the situation was [messed] up. I know my life would have been different. A baby is a blessing... I'm starting to think I made the worse decision in my life. Even now, I would be 6 1/2 months. Think about it... protect your self and your heart.
Location: New York City
Date: February 21, 2012
I never dreamed I could be pregnant, and when I found out I was only 20. It was a shock and scary. I had a boyfriend who had two children already, and he had filled my head with lies, saying he wanted me to have his child and even had the fake tears to go along with it. But when I found out I was pregnant in August of 2009, instead of being happy about the whole thing, he told me if I didn't get rid of the child, I would no longer be a part of his life. I was shocked and heartbroken, and to make matters worse, I had to face my critical mother with the news. As expected she was furious and called me a whore in front of my aunt, uncle, and two brothers and then told me I didn't have a choice, and I would get an abortion or face being disowned and so reluctantly, I had the procedure done a few weeks shy of my 21 birthday, which my mom commented was my birthday present. It was an extremely painful experience because they did not numb me like they were supposed to and so I felt everything, and the pressure was unbearable. I cried the whole way through. Afterwards, I felt so ashamed and saddened and they even give you a sonogram picture to keep, which made it even worse. but that wouldn't be my last visit to the clinic because in October I got pregnant a second time and was very against going through the torture again, but my mother was constantly putting me down saying I wouldn't be a good mom and she wouldn't be a part of my life and my boyfriend ended up blocking my number after I told him and turned his whole family against me and so I was all alone and went in December to get a second abortion. I regret the choice everyday and still carry hate towards my mother for putting me through that and not supporting me. People are very negative about abortion and I have been called horrible things because of it. It doesn't help my already emotional grief.
Location: Wichita, KS
Date: February 21, 2012
I was a teenager, pregnant and scared. My boyfriend wanted nothing to do with a baby, and I didn't feel I could support one. I had an abortion, and it was the most difficult thing I've ever had to go through. No one should have to go through this. I wish I had taken better care of my body and made sure that I would not be pregnant until I was ready to be a mother.
Location: Rye, NY
Date: February 21, 2012
Sitting here trying to describe what happened to me is extremely difficult. Even after 27 years, I find it hard to come to terms with it. I was 21, pregnant with a boyfriend who I liked but wasn't in love with. We went to a clinic for the abortion and everything in me was telling me to get back in the car and go home. Before they put me under, I said that I had changed my mind and tried to get up. The next thing I knew, I was waking up with no baby, horrible cramps, and bleeding heavily. I was in shock, how could they have done that to me? Where did my choice go? A week later, I had cramps so severe, it was nothing like I had ever experienced. When we called the clinic, we were told to put an ice pack on my stomach and keep my feet elevated. We went to the grocery store to get something for the pain. I couldn't even walk at this point and my boyfriend went in while I laid in the back of the car. All of a sudden, I was gushing blood. I put my hands between my legs to stop the bleeding and was covered with blood up to my elbows when my boyfriend came out to the car. When we called the clinic again, we were specifically told not to go to the hospital, that it was nothing to be concerned about. We went to a friends house nearby and for the next 12 hours I laid on the bathroom floor hemorrhaging. I now know that they punctured my uterus during the abortion. I can't believe I didn't bleed to death. One of my daughters recently said to me, that having an abortion is a personal choice and asked what would I have done if I hadn't have had one? I told her, very clearly, that I would have been forced to take responsibility for my choices and raise her brother or sister. It would have worked out fine and probably would have made me a stronger person. I can't undo what happened all those years ago, but I can stand up now and tell women that having sex is a choice, so take responsibility for your body before you get yourself pregnant.
Location: Sequim, WA
Date: February 17, 2012
This is such a heart wrenching story, I don't know where to begin. This happened last year, in June 2011, yet it feels just like yesterday. I was living with my parents and brothers down in Florida. I was in my second year of college, and my life was just terrible. I was so unhappy and my parents had all my control and freedom. Soon after, I met my husband (then boyfriend), and he just pulled me right out of this depressing hole of emotions that I was in. He was like my guardian angel. We quickly fell in love and I got pregnant in march of 2011.
Being pregnant and having a wonderful man in my life made me the happiest person in the world. I did a complete 180 and my life changed for the better. Thinking that my mom went through the same thing I did (abortion at 19), I thought she would've understood my position. My mom and I never got along and we always fought... Anyway I remember I wrote a note telling her I was pregnant and that I was going to move in with my husband and we were keeping the baby. When she read that, she was mortified, and she just sat there and cried. She yelled at me and said such horrible things. When my dad came home, we told him, and he gave me an ultimatum. My mom and his exact words were, " You can either keep the bastard child and we cut off all ties with you, or you have an abortion and everything goes back to normal. You can have a lot of freedom."
To this day, those words still ring in my ears. My parents are liars, and I believed them. I really thought that things would get better. So I listened to them, which is the biggest mistake I ever made. I remember the day before my abortion, June 04 2011, I went to a park and sat by the lake with my husband. And we just held each other and cried. He didn't want me to do it, and even I didn't want to do it. But I foolishly thought that this would improve relations with my family. June 05 2011 2:30 p.m: My mom was acting like she cared, and she was so buddy, buddy with me. I know she was relieved because her, my dad, and their family reputation was saved. I was throwing up like crazy on the car ride there and she acted like she cared. I was so scared and I didn't want to do this. I freaking did it for my parents, and they just took this and stomped on it.
Anyway, we got there at 2:30 p.m and there were so many teenage girls there, young ones especially. We sat there and waited till 4 for the doctor. It was the worst, agonizing wait, and my mother was trying to chat me up to relieve my tensions, which was only making it worse, since I knew she didn't care. When I got in the back I was the only one doing surgical; the rest of the girls were doing the pill. My mom told me that she had done the pill and it's the worst experience ever so she wanted me to be asleep. I remember sitting on the bed and it was freezing. The doctor came in and told me I was 9 weeks. I wanted to speak up so bad and say this isn't what I wanted, but my nerves got the best of me, and I simply fell asleep. It was over with and I woke up and cried and cried and cried. At that point I hated my mother. I felt so disgusted with myself, and I felt I deserved all the punishment in the world. I can't really remember what happened after that, but I know my aunt came three days after. I was so weak and my mom kept telling everyone I had hernias. There is so much more to this story but I couldn't possibly type a book for you now. The only person that helped me cope is my husband. My dad wanted to know why I was "moping around" just two days after my abortion. They are so heartless and I will never forget, only forgive. The worst part of the story is that my life got worse after the abortion, not better like they had promised. I was basically on house arrest by them, and I never got to go anywhere. They were more strict and although we had good times, the only thing I can remember is the negative, which happened more often.
I got fed up of my parents and their ways, so I eloped with my husband and ran away to New York. We are so happy here, and I have family that backs me up, which is more comforting (knowing that all of my mothers family calls me a slut and a whore and all these things.) We have been trying to have a baby, but its just not happening. It's been four months since we've been trying, but I still have high hopes. I regret my decision, but I'm glad [I've now taken] the reigns of my life into my own hands. Thank you for reading my story.
Location: Richmond Hill, NY
Date: February 16, 2012
I am a wife of thirty one years, grandmother of five boys and one beautiful little girl. Mother of three biological children, two adopted children, and two little ones that are with Jesus, one that I miscarried, one that I aborted.
It is funny the things I remember, little details…
The sound of the machine
The gruff voice of the Dr.
The girl coming in as I was leaving, who told me I looked “so white.”
The protesters outside the clinic, why hadn’t I noticed them before?
So many thoughts rolling through my mind as I consider trying to put on paper my own experience with abortion. Trying to tell the whole story seems both difficult and indulgent, so I will attempt to be brief.
I was 16 when I became pregnant for the first time. I was unmarried, in high school, and so uninformed. The father of my baby was also 16 and was too afraid to even tell his Catholic parents about the pregnancy. Instead, he moved away for the summer to live with his sister. I didn’t realize I was pregnant at first. After two weeks of being unable to keep any food down other than tomato soup (which I seemed to want to eat constantly), my mom decided we needed to go to the doctor to see what was wrong. The test came back positive. I was pregnant, and no one was more surprised than I. The doctor gave my mother a sheet of paper with information on a clinic called Concord Medical Center located in Downtown Chicago to follow up with. I guess I knew what the clinic was. However, I never really thought about pregnancy, let alone abortion. My mother made an appointment for the following week and we went to the clinic. We met with a nurse who explained our options as far as whether or not I was to be awake or put to sleep for the “procedure.” Then we were taken into a room to view a short video on what to expect. I’m not sure at what point I became upset, but I did. I demanded that we go home and my mother made another appointment for two days later. I was already at 12 weeks.
My mom had a talk with my dad. It was decided that they would pay the extra money and have me put to sleep for the “procedure” since I had been so upset. My Dad was not completely supportive of the decision. Looking back, I wonder why no other option was ever discussed. Especially since my parents had been unable to conceive and had adopted me, their only child, as an infant.
My mom and I returned to the clinic on a Saturday morning. I was given a blue paper gown to wear and taken to a waiting room filled with others dressed as I was and waiting for the “procedure.” I remember being so confused by the conversation in that room. One girl was preparing for her wedding and had already bought her dress, size seven and therefore could not continue the pregnancy. Another was older and already had “too many” kids. All in all, there were probably ten of us in that room. All with different stories. Some shared. I did not.
When my turn came, a nurse came and escorted me to the “procedure room” and explained what to expect. She told me she would hold my hand until I was asleep. I remember hearing a very loud machine and the doctor saying, “is she knocked out yet?”
I awoke in a recovery room filled with reclining chairs where the girls I saw in the waiting room were all now sitting drinking orange juice and eating crackers while waiting to be released. I can remember that I got sick to my stomach and had to stay longer than the rest.
In the weeks that followed, I began to have a recurring dream. In the dream, I was in a pit of rocks and above my head was a small baby in a noose. It was almost like I was waiting to be stoned to death for my crime. This was a little odd as I was not a Christian at the time, but it was obvious that, somewhere on the inside, I knew that what I had done was wrong. The other thing that was obvious was the overwhelming sadness I felt.
I went out to a party the evening of my abortion. I drank a lot and ended up slamming my index finger in a door. It left a split in my nail that I have to this day. It has become a reminder. It used to point to me in accusation, now it reminds me of the finger Jesus used to draw in the sand in John 8. It reminds me of His blood that has covered my sin and redeemed my life. I think that is the real purpose of my writing this. To say to anyone who has had an abortion that Jesus is not your accuser. He is the one who holds your baby and offers forgiveness and healing for your heart.
Location: Kansas City, MO
Date: February 10, 2012
I'm a working mother, 24 years old, with 2 children, 7 and 4 years of age–still trying to get through college and advance my career. When I found out I was pregnant, I didn't know whether to be happy or sad. It was unplanned and unexpected. The day after the unprotected sex, I went to the Pharmacist and took the Plan B Pill, which I thought would be successful. It was not. I took a pregnancy test two weeks later which confirmed positive. I remember looking at the test astonished. The father and I were on up and down roller-coaster for most of the year and a half we were together. A lot of emotional, mental abuse, lack of affection, infidelity, the list goes on. Even more so, there have been times when I feared for my life and the sake of my children. When I told him, he was unsure of what we should do and had mixed emotions. If I chose to get an abortion, this would be his 3rd child lost. That left me feeling kind of sad, but things got worse. He gave me mixed emotions, but never showed any support for what I was going through, or how we would make this work. I didn't want to bring my child into this world out of wedlock or be a single mom again with 3 children.
It was 1.7.12 when I scheduled my 1st counseling session for abortion. When I saw my angel on that ultrasound, my heart melted with joy. I even saved a picture on my phone. Still having doubts because of all the scrutiny, I went in the next business day for the procedure. Laid back on the table, the doctor placed the speculum and inserted the needle that contained numbing medication into my cervix. It was then something came over me and I screamed "I cant do this to my baby," and he stopped. I couldn't do it. I had made up my mind, I would keep my baby regardless of all odds. After that scary situation, I said I would name my blessing a name dealing with life. Because this was a miracle child.
On 2.4.12 I was back in the clinic, and I did it. I gave another man permission to murder my child!!!! It was awful, and even though I felt alone when I was pregnant, I never felt more alone, not having my baby inside of me. To feel his/her heartbeat when I hold my belly was a right I no longer have. I feel as if I'm dreaming because the heart, caring & motherly nature that I have. I let the Devil win and take over my strong mind that day, and my baby is GONE. If you are reading this and thinking of doing an abortion please DON'T! This pain and blood I carry on my hands is unbearable. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. My life has changed completely. I will never be the same woman as before. I feel worthless. I felt it was a selfish choice. More than anything I wouldn't have regretted my baby when I looked into his/her eyes on 8.4.12. But I regret doing that to my Angel.
I'm serious people, these Regret stories or serious. Abortion is nothing to play with. Raising a child is not as life altering as dealing with the mental anguish you'll carry from ridding what you think is a "Major Problem" or "Major Delay." You were given that life for a reason, cherish it. My baby is now in God's hands, and I pray that if he gives me another privilege to carry a child, my unborn's soul shines through his brother or sister.
Location: Greensborro, NC
Date: February 5, 2012
I saw an anti-abortion booth at a traveling fair when I was 10. I held onto the little card they gave out of a fetus cartoon with the bubble, " I have rights too!!!" for at least 10 years. It got all dirty and dog-eared, but I kept it. (I threw it out after my abortion.) I was a good Protestant girl from a broken, poor, and dysfunctional family (and by dysfunctional, please read between the lines), but still a Christian who valued all kinds of people nonetheless. A survivor. And by "survivor," please read between the lines. I ended up 18 in the South with an alcoholic boyfriend I was afraid of, a guy I had met in Jersey. The man performing the abortion looked like Mussolini with a slick smile, as if he might try to pick me up in a bar under different circumstances. No counseling, "We prefer cash. You really must hurry." Because I was a "Caucasian" lamb to slaughter, the nurse coddled me a bit more. She knew I was at risk of being a runner. Even at 18, I was on to their B.S. game. But I just wanted sweet relief, and I was afraid of more welfare offices. It wasn't even the guy (though, if you want to lose a boyfriend or any marriage prospect, abort HIS kid... he called me for months afterwards in a buzzed stupor, after I had moved back North, saying he wished I had kept our "daughter" one he would have named "Michaela"). It was being alone and poor that scared me most. Pro-lifers!!! It means nothing without thinking of the quarter of American children with nothing!!! Greed literally kills for God's sake!!! We take such advantage of child-bearing women in our society. We all know breast milk is the best medicine to keep babies strong and women emotionally and physically healthy, but the formula industry makes billions pushing their garbage on our children. So goes the abortion complex. Follow the money and the lobbyists!!! I wonder about "Mussolini." Did his wife fool herself as she drove her precious "angels" (ANGELS of her husband's making) to horse riding lessons? I bet there was a lot of pensive cocktail hours in that well-appointed home. I went back to the "ladies health emporium" a week later for the check-up, because I so wanted to have babies someday and saw the picket signs at the entrance. Why hadn't they been there the week before? Like many other gals in the same situation, I spent the next six and a half months crying in spurts, furious and ashamed. Suckered. Baby clothes in a store killing me. Phantom love asking why. I got pregnant with the next guy as a sub-conscious band-aid. Both times my birth control failed, but I think it was all emotion controlling it. He spat on me and walked away when I refused another abortion. I went straight to the welfare office, HEAD HELD HIGH. It was f'ing brutal being alone, poor, and pregnant at 19, dreaming of college and a family. I'm not going to lie about that one. It was only for 5 months though, and then I got my precious baby, born of medicaid in the best hospital I could find. I had her naturally and I felt like superwoman!!! You know, I was because I was healed then. I love that now-grown woman with all my heart, and her sister and brother too. I wasn't on welfare long. I went to college, and I pay taxes and married a great guy. IT IS ALL ABOUT VALUING YOUR BEAUTIFUL SOUL AND UTERUS!!! Walk like you own it with that baby in your arms because life and love is all yours, and so many will help you in that journey. Like ELO says, "It's A Living Thing" and we ALL SURVIVE to come out the other end!!! Or at least, a quarter of us do.
Date: February 2, 2012
Growing up as a teen, I remember being very depressed and angry. I became promiscuous at a very young age, looking for someone to love me. At the age of 19, I became pregnant. I knew my life was about to change drastically, but I didn't expect what came next. I was strongly encouraged to abort. This scared me. Abortion was far from my mind. Every part of me knew abortion was wrong and every part of me wanted the child inside of me. I knew the child's father was gripped with fear. I too had my own fears but none so great that I didn't want my baby. After many discussions and many tears, I decided to keep this child. But I was left alone, abandoned, hurt, confused and eventually very angry, not knowing what I was going to do or how I would make it, just knowing that I had too. This is where the trauma in regards to abortion began to affect my life.
During my pregnancy, the baby's father soon returned so that we could try and work things out. I was so angry inside but felt obligated to try. I felt tossed to and fro. Hearing on one side “abort” and hearing on another “keep your baby,” nobody ever asking me how I was doing or how I felt. It was one of the most difficult experiences I have went through.
Later, those around me began to look forward to what was coming, but I couldn't seem to come out of the trauma of being asked to kill my baby. I felt so alone and depressed. Only the excitement of seeing my baby kept me going. No one knew the pain I felt inside except that anger would manifest periodically.
Soon after my son was born, I became pregnant again. This time I was told if I wanted to keep the baby, it was my choice. But this time, thoughts of keeping my baby were far from my mind, and abortion seemed to be the immediate answer. I had become so numb and angry, I couldn't even feel love towards my second child. I felt so alone during the pregnancy of my first child that this time, fear gripped me, and I couldn't even think of trying to go through it again. Having a child seemed to me to be (a painful experience) something that brought on rejection and sadness, and although I tried to wear a smile on my face, I didn't want to be sad anymore. So by what is called “choice,” I had an abortion, which in reality was no “choice” at all. It was the fact that now I was gripped with the fear of having a similar experience that lead me into my wrong decision.
The affects of those two experiences caused me not to be able to stay in the relationship. Not only was I struggling inside, but now my son was being separated from his father which was devastating. I was completely out of the relationship at the age of 22.
The affects of the abortion didn't stop there. I continued on in life, not knowing where I was headed. Every relationship and every decision I made seemed to be wrong. I married someone else at the age of 24/25 and lost 4 more children. One which was a tubal pregnancy and three were due to the stress of physical, emotional and verbal abuse I endured. I went deeper and deeper into depression and I began to drink heavily during my son's visits with his father. At the age of 27, with the help of two new co-workers (who began praying for me), I was able to escape from this relationship, being left with nervous breakdowns.
Later that year, I cried out to God to change my life. If He didn't, I knew I would die. I didn't know Him and I didn't know what I was asking. All I knew was that I was desperate and I had no one else to go to. The two co-workers didn't give up on me, but I didn't know what they were up to. I didn't know this Jesus they would try and talk to me about.
I started attending church here and there with one of the co-workers for some time and than eventually began attending faithfully. It seemed the altar was my only safe place and I cried there for over a year every Sunday, not understanding at the time that He was healing me.
By this time now, my son was about 7 or 8 years old. One night as we were getting ready to fall asleep, he asks me, “Mom, is it true that you had an abortion? Would I have had a sister or a brother?” This is when the healing process began for me in regards to this abortion. That night I shared with my son how I had been forgiven. I also asked him to forgive me. He went to bed sad, but he seemed to understand that we had a new life now (with Jesus). He fell asleep and when he did, I wept. That night God did a deep healing in me. He took all the guilt and shame away.
Five years later I married, but now in the will of God. After a year and a half into my marriage I miscarried again, but this time I believe it had to do with all the trauma that had taken place in my womb. But I knew my life had now changed and I seemed to have hope.
Three years into our marriage, God began to speak to me that a child was coming and how He was going to heal my womb. Nine months later I became pregnant. There were no complications and I even worked for seven months during this pregnancy. She is our miracle.
Through all that had been taken from me, God gave me a new beginning. Not only did He heal my heart from the losses and abuse but He blessed me with a husband who loves me and He also healed my womb.
Date: January 27, 2012
I am a 29 year old woman. I have 8 children with my partner, the youngest is 7 months. My partner has depression, and I didn't think life could get any harder until 3 days ago. I had an abortion. My partner and I agreed we couldn't cope with another child, although I didn't want the abortion. He thought it was the right thing to do. I went in hospital on Thursday and from the time I got on the ward, I couldn't stop crying. I was hoping and praying that my partner would tell me not to do it. It was a hope that came too late. I had the surgical procedure and was sterilised so I cant ever have more children. I can tell you now it was the worst mistake of my life. I would rather cope with 10 children than the effects of abortion. How do I have the right to kill my child? I cry all the time. I've killed my baby, and I will never be able to have another. But I don't deserve another baby after what I have done. I hate myself and my partner. I think I should have died with my baby, but that would not be fair to my other children, so my punishment is to live with the hurt and pain of what I've done for the rest of my life. I hope anyone thinking of abortion will please think again because unless you're heartless, the effects of abortion can destroy your life as well as your unborn child. Believe me, I know!
Date: January 22, 2012
In October of last year, I found out that I had become pregnant with my first child. The father and I were/are in a relationship and discussed heavily the options I had as the mother. Naturally every option crosses your mind at least once. Before I became pregnant and put in that situation I never would have thought I would consider an abortion. A couple weeks passed since I got a positive result, and I was still convinced adoption was the route I would go. Then my boyfriend said there's no way you can see your baby come out and immediately hand it over to just anyone. I thought about what he said and he was right, so we called the local Planned Parenthood to schedule my surgical procedure. On 11-11-11, I was no longer a mother and after I realized what I just did... KILLED A LIVING PERSON, I had a hard time believing God could ever forgive me for what I had just done. Not one day passes that I don't think about what I did for selfish reasons. My boyfriend and I deeply regret it, but have found refuge in God's forgiveness. He shows me his sorrow for what I have done by never letting me forget how wrong what I did was. We have decided to get matching tattoos to "brand us" so that we are able to educate people about how emotional and traumatic this has been for us, and hopefully shed some light on a very dark issue.
Location: Elkhart, IN
Date: January 21, 2012
At the hands of my mother, I was forced to abort my child at 17 years old. I was never given the option to choose for myself if becoming a mother was right for me. The subsequent results were promiscuity followed by additional abortions, guilt, self hatred, etc. I am a mother now with wonderful children. It has not been easy, but I am so relieved to have had them. Through Christ, I was able to see that my other children are waiting for me in heaven (Psalm 139) and I am allowing God to heal me so that I may get there to be reunited. I love them and I am sorry for choosing sinful behavior in the past over being responsible. I pray for those that have experienced this pain, as it hurts deep and long. Abortion is a lie of convenience. I have had to forgive my mother and myself for my children's lives. Christ is a healer and I am no longer condemned, but redeemed and hopeful of His return to see my babies. In the meantime, I trust God to help me raise my two living children and know that I have shared with them the pain of making difficult choices and working your way out of the decision and the results. I pray they hold onto the lessons and to Christ to keep them chaste and aligned with Christ's command for Holiness and a body that is a living sacrifice. I pray for anyone reading this, that they will find their way to healing through Christ and embrace a relationship with Him to ensure either prevention of the painful effects, or reconciliation to Him and your child(ren).
Location: New York
Date: January 20, 2012
I have had several abortions. My first was in 2001. Instant regret. I was all alone, in the military and all my friends had turned against me. Including my parents. For my second abortion, my mom took me and paid for it. Instant regret. I then abused drugs and alcohol for many years. God graciously saw fit for me to become pregnant again. I had my daughter. She is now six and simply amazing. Last August I became pregnant again. The doctors told me it was a blighted ovum and I would miscarry. I did not want to wait, so I went to Planned Parenthood and got a pill. I feel like it was another abortion. I am so sad. It brought up all the feelings I had from the past. I am forgiven by my Savior and recently became a Christian. I know that God will use me to help women decide to keep their babies. Abortion hurts. God can heal.
Location: Dallas, TX
Date: January 11, 2012
As I'm writing this, with tears coming down my face, I am also helping myself. I have had a total of 5 pregnancies. I have one 8 year old, 3 abortions, and just found out I am pregnant. The first abortion I had when I was 18, 5 months after my first child was born. There was no way my boyfriend at the time and I could deal with 2 infants. We were young and struggling. I didn't know the impact of abortion until the 2nd and 3rd time. After the 2nd one, I couldn't stop crying. I was about 6 weeks pregnant, and I walked in on my boyfriend with another woman, and my son in a playpen sleeping next to them. The horror. The depression with catching him cheating and having an abortion had me over the edge. It hurt the 2nd time emotionally and physically. I couldn't stop bleeding. The 3rd time happened with the same man, and I took the abortion pills. Going through it at home alone is tragic. No one there for you, and every time you go on the toilet, the blood clots fall out and you know that somewhere you are flushing YOUR child, that YOU created down the toilet, like its nothing. It's breaking me up now as I'm writing this. Six years passed since my last abortion, and now I find myself in a situation I am not proud of. Grant it, I'm 26, have a good job, am in school and have my own place....BUT I got pregnant by a man who I don't even love. I broke up with him and then a week later, I find out I'm pregnant. What to do?? I have weighed options, and at the end, I know God would NOT allow this to happen for no reason. I have gone 6 years without pregnancy scares, and I rarely use birth control, and I am sexually active. But why did God allow me to get pregnant by a man I didn't even really know? God has a purpose. I refuse to be with a man who will not treat me right, so I will NOT go back to my ex just because I am pregnant. This is a gift from God. Abortion crossed my mind once, then it forever left. I could NEVER forgive myself. I would go over the edge. I have one great 8 year old boy, and now, he will be an older brother. My family may not be happy about it since I grew up in a very strict household... but they will understand. God let's things happen for a reason. I tell myself that every time I cry, every time I have doubt. The child you are carrying WILL make a difference if you let him/her. Romans 8:28 says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him"..... Just have faith. My due date is August 3 2012. I am about 11 weeks. Although doubts may come, and tears fall almost everyday....the strength and support that I do have to get through this outweighs all.
Date: January 7, 2012
Let me start off by saying that there hasn't been one day that has passed that I haven't thought of the little angel I once had inside me. It was November 2009 when I met my ex-boyfriend (lets call him Justin), and we were inseparable.... I had just turned 20 in October, so I was fairly young with 2 years left of college. Justin (age 23) and I started officially dating in February 2010. Usually I wait a couple months to test out the relationship before I sleep with anyone but with Justin it just felt right. At the end of February 2010 (same month we were official), I found out I was pregnant. The first thoughts that came to my mind when I saw the test results were my parents reaction. “I can’t tell them...they would kick me out. I would be a disgrace to the family. I just met the guy”. So I never told them (still till this day) and instead told Justin. The baby would be due in November 2010, a month after my 21st birthday. Justin informed me, “You know what we have to do right? We have to get rid of it.” I was against it at first but then he said the ultimate thing that made me go for it. "You know my parents wouldn't accept it. It would be a bastard child.” That really hit home and to be honest, it really hurt. So basically I was living off my parents (no college education, no legitimate income), Justin didn't want it because we were too young, my parents would be angry, and his parents wouldn't accept it. Great! Which is why I finally came to the agreement to have an abortion in March 2010. I feel like no one knows how much I regret it. I wish I could just go back in time. I feel like God won't forgive me and neither would my parents if I ever told them. So to those of you that are thinking about abortion...PLEASE consider it again.
Date: January 6, 2012
I wrote last year; my story was posted on July 1st 2012. At that moment, I was very scared and depressed because I was thinking about not keeping my baby, since its father was not going to help me at all, and he kept trying to convince me to get rid of it, but I finally decided to keep my baby. By the 5th month, I had complications and i almost lost it. After that, my pregnancy went really well. On February 10th, I had the most beautiful baby girl. She’s my world, she’s my strength, she’s my everything. Unfortunately, I was fired from my job because I had a very mean boss. I really hope things will be better from now on. Every time I see her beautiful face, I smile and I feel I can accomplish anything.
Date: April 24, 2013
I was raped by a stranger and was in a crisis pregnancy in 2006. I thought I would consider abortion even though I had always been pro-life and was raised Christian, with the idea that abortion was wrong. But I didn't know what to do. I was so lost and scared. There was always the exception of rape and incest in everyone's mind that I talked to.
When I went into the abortion clinic parking lot there were protesters. They were angry and showing pictures of late-term abortions. They were yelling. I had just found out I was pregnant and was still very early in the pregnancy. I tried not to look at them. When I went in the clinic and looked around, I saw a lot of very sad, scared looking teenagers and women, and their boyfriends, husbands, friends, and family members. One girl looked like she was being made to go there by her mother. One was with her boyfriend and crying. It was definitely not a happy place. When I went to the exam room so they could figure out if I was indeed pregnant, they weren't even going to show me the ultrasound. The screen was pointed the other way. I demanded to see it. Looking at the ultrasound made it very real for me. There was no denying that I was pregnant, that there was a baby in there. I wonder if that's why they turn the screens, so its not as real? After the ultrasound, they hurried me into another room where a man was talking about birth control to me for after the abortion. He then told me about the abortion pill and what to expect. That was it. That was what was supposed to be my pre-abortion counseling. By law, I think I was supposed to go home and think about it. I went home absolutely disgusted with myself that I had even considered abortion. I called them the next day and told them I was going to keep my baby, and I couldn't kill it.
I decided that I couldn't provide for this child and considered adoption and met with a very nice adoption counselor. I was so afraid that I wouldn't love the baby the way that he or she needed because I would see that man in the baby. After all, the baby came half from him. Things were starting to look positive for me about the adoption and then after my first ultrasound with a regular OB, I heard the heartbeat. I knew right then and there that I could not give up this baby. I would lean on God to provide a way for me to take care of him or her. I was so scared I wouldn't love the baby because it came from a horrible situation. But the minute I heard the heartbeat I felt connected to the baby in ways I cannot explain. That baby did nothing wrong, that baby only needed me to love him or her. I knew in that moment that I could love this baby with all my heart. It truly is something that is hard to explain. I believe it was God showing me that this baby was going to bring me so much joy and the pain from the abortion and how she was created could go away. He was turning something so bad into something beautiful. The adoption counselor was amazing. She was so supportive in my decision to keep my baby. I knew that had I chose adoption this would have been the place. But adoption wasn't for me.
Over the course of the next few months I went through some pretty intensive counseling helping me get through the rape and the realization that I would be a single mom. But I knew I could do this. I leaned on God, my church, and the free counseling that I found through the local seminary. It was an amazing miracle when my little baby girl was born. I loved her instantly. All my fears of not being able to love her went away. At that moment I wasn't thinking about the man who raped me. I was thinking about this beautiful baby girl. She came out of my belly. She depended on me to survive. She depended on me now and I was going to be there for her. There was no question in my heart that I did the right thing by keeping her.
My little girl is now 5. I am married and my husband has adopted my little girl. I couldn't be happier and don't regret for one minute my decision to keep her. We now have another little girl who is 18 months. I am so glad that she has a big sister. We have told my 5 year old about the adoption and she thinks its so special. We made a special scrapbook that she can read whenever she wants. I am so happy I chose life. She truly is an amazing little girl. I am so happy that I don't have to live with the regret that so many women have.
At the abortion clinic, you are just a number. It's not personalized at all. It's sickening. I think instead of scare tactics with the protesters, there needs to be big signs about how counseling and support can get you through the pregnancy. Had I not had a social work degree, I might not have known where to look for those free resources. I really don't think scary, gruesome pictures are what's going to save babies from being aborted. There needs to be an actual support system that is advertised in big, bold letters. And if there must be pictures, maybe show the early term ones and not the later ones. All the women in the clinic when I went were not showing yet, so I'm assuming they were very early abortions.
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Date: November 16, 2012
My son is now about 4 1/2 months old now, and I would never [give him up for] anything… [My boyfriend and I have] been together for about 4 years. I was on vacation when I think we conceived, [because] I ran out of my birth control. He was in the process of moving away and living his dream to play in a metal band; he was only living 2 hours away, which isn't that far. I was alone when I look my test. I was so scared because I was going to my last year of high school. I've always dreamed of going away to college and was afraid if I was pregnant, I wouldn't go anywhere. My boyfriend wasn't in town at the time, so I called him and he tried to get home fast. School started, walking those halls was so scary thinking people knew my secret, and I would get called trash. So I made my appointments to see my doctor in town. I was ready to puke; we made the choice to have an abortion. I needed an ultrasound to see how far along I was. I was about 7 weeks, 4 days. My auntie took me to my ultrasound; she went behind my back and called my parents, but it's the best thing she ever did for me… The ultrasound tech asked me if i wanted to see my little bean. Of course i said yes, and the moment i saw that heartbeat, my life was changed. I kept my son and my life that year was amazing! I never dropped out of school; I finished had my son in april. My boyfriend and I are still together.
Date: September 1, 2012
When I was 17, I remember telling my Mum that there was no way I was going to have children. For some reason, little children and babies gravitated toward me all the time, I could never understand why, as I had no desire to have anything to do with them. Little did I know that a few months down the track I would fall pregnant.
I was in a short-term relationship with someone who I really didn’t want to be with. We had been together for 6 months and had fallen pregnant. Straight away I went to a 24/7 medical clinic to receive the “morning after pill”. Unfortunately, I was one of the 3% of people who it did not work for. I really cannot begin to explain the feelings I was having. I just felt panicked and sick, so sick waiting to see if it would work. I told my cousin (and best friend) straight away that I thought I could be pregnant. She went and got a pregnancy test for me. I took the test and it was confirmed. I felt like being sick. I could not believe it. I think my whole world fell apart at that very instant. I broke down. I went and told my cousin. She checked the test. It was positive. My boyfriend was shocked and couldn’t say anything but "no, no, no, no." He didn’t believe it at first.
My parents were strict Catholics and I was living with them at the time. I knew how much this would disappoint them, I was so afraid how they would react. A couple of days after at work, I told my secret to my work mate as I needed some guidance. I had no idea what to do. She told me there was only two things I could do, either have the baby or terminate it. She told me that she would come with me to any appointments I needed and would support my decision either way but was more for the termination, as I would be able to get on with my life. My friend went on to explain that she had a friend who had an abortion and that it was really simple. However, she needed continuous counseling and found it hard when her baby’s birth date came round. I felt I was stronger than that and just knew that having a way to escape this horrible situation I was in was the best thing to me at the time.
I made an appointment with a doctor to confirm my pregnancy. My ears rang as he told me it was positive and gave me my due date. I said to him that there was no way I could have the baby and he asked me why. I simply said, “because I just can’t”. He told me that he was sorry but he was against abortion and would not give me a referral to an abortion specialist. The anger I felt for that doctor was immeasurable.
I soon discovered a free family planning clinic who gave information on abortions and the procedures. I was asked many questions before taken into a room with a female consultant. Nine and half years later, to this very day, I can still feel the sense of haunting peace I felt when she started explaining the process, how simple it was going to be, how when the baby was terminated I would not see it and that I could go straight back home after. She further explained that I would be doing it at a perfect time as the baby was only a piece of tissue and nothing more. She smiled at me and made me feel so peaceful that I was making the right decision and there was nothing to be afraid of. She told me how I could continue my life as normal and that no one would have to know. Looking back on this time, I can now see how Satan really gave me a false sense of peace in order for me to commit such a heinous crime – murder.
I left that clinic with a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. My friend offered for me to stay at her house after the procedure where she would look after me. The following day my cousin called me at work to see how I was going. I told her how great I was feeling, how relieved I was and continued to tell her that I had decided to have an abortion. She was horrified and she told me that I couldn’t do that, that I was aborting ‘my’ baby. I felt anger toward her that she was challenging me and not supporting me and our phone conversation ended on a sour note.
The day after this conversation I received a phone call from my cousin's Mum who I was very close with. My cousin had told her. She pleaded and begged me not to do it. She asked me to go around to her place and talk to her. I really didn’t want to but I was doing it only to please her and get her off my back. After hours of crying and being held in my auntie’s arms, she had convinced me to keep my baby. She told me that being pregnant was in no way going to stop my parents from loving me and that they would be disappointed and shocked but that they would come around. And she also convinced me that it wasn’t the end of the world that I would cope because I was strong. Most importantly she helped me to realise that I would never be able to forgive myself for doing this heinous act and would never be able to live in complete freedom having the burden of this on my soul. That was the day Satan lost his battle. My family slowly came to terms with it and when my little boy was born into this world he was truly a gift sent from heaven, not only for me but also for my family. I truly believe that God can make good of difficult situations. Even though my baby was made out of wedlock, God still blessed me. Less than a year after my son was born his Dad and I broke up and I became a solo parent for the next 7 years of his life. Without a doubt, they were the hardest years of my life but the most rewarding and I would not change it for anything or anyone. I am now happily married and 5 months ago was blessed with another baby boy. My eldest boy now 9 ½ years old is the proudest and happiest big brother ever (and a fantastic helper!). I could not imagine life without him and I still look at him today and count him as a blessing. I can’t believe Satan was going to rob him of his life through me.
My faith is stronger than ever now and I wish to reach out to all those women out there who are thinking of aborting their baby because of whatever reasons or circumstances they may have. I feel sorry for all women who say I CAN'T do this. You CAN do it! Satan’s lies have made you believe that you CAN'T do it. I cannot stress this enough. Every one of us was made in the image of God himself. Life has been given as a gift to us which we have not been given authority to take away. Only God the Father has this authority. Ignore what the media, social networks, friends and family say to you, this child deserves to live, they deserve your care and love, and they have a right to live! Do not punish them for the circumstances surrounding their conception. I plead with you - be strong and have a little faith that God will see you through!
Date: August 22, 2012
I always grew up thinking I was pro-choice, and I always have relied on science to solve life's little mysteries. This was of course until July of 2009 when my life completely was turned upside down (or maybe it was right side up). I was a cashier working about 28 hours a week, making minimum wage, and living with my boyfriend and his brother. Then it dawned on me, "hmmm, I don't remember having my period this month." I then pulled out a pregnancy test that I bought after puking my guts out on the 4th of July when all of our friends made the comment, "hope she's not prig." Needless to say it came in handy, along with the 4 other tests that I used that night. I told my boyfriend as soon as the first test came up positive and he was unusually calm saying, "Well, lets go to the health department and get everything figured out tomorrow."
We did; we went to the health department and there I thought, they're going to give me my options, but when I got there, I was completely surprised when they set me up on the medical card and had me talk to a counselor. At that point I was still thinking, "Why haven't they asked me if I want an abortion?" so I walked out of that clinic with an application and a list of providers I could use for prenatal appointments. My boyfriend asked me on the way back, "So what are you going to do?" I said I didn't know and that I needed to think about it. At that point, things changed. He got scared and said I needed to get an abortion. I was appalled that he would ask me such a thing. After all, I'm the one who was going to be carrying this baby. I looked at him and said I'm going to have to think about this.
I took a few days to do some research and found out what abortion really was. Even looking at it from a scientific perspective, I couldn't imagine that having an abortion was "OK." and then I started to feel like, "This is a little person that I'm thinking about doing this horrendous thing to, this thing I can't ever take back," so I instantly got disgusted and shut down the computer. I wrote a letter to my boyfriend telling him everything I just had felt run through my veins and the anger I felt about anyone hurting my, correction, OUR little baby and said I would not get an abortion, and if he chose to leave then that was his choice.
He read the letter and broke down into tears. He was scared; I was scared, but I knew that I was not going to terminate any being, no matter how small. Needless to say, he did stay and we're still together and we have a beautiful little girl who I couldn't imagine being without. She is my world, and science could have never told me that. I am pro-life now because I have felt hopeless and lost, but I found my hope through my circumstance, and I can't imagine ever choosing a cold, hard table full of regrets over my wonderfully smart, talented baby girl.
Date: July 30, 2012
I would like to share my story, and hopefully encourage other moms who may be going through similar situations in their pregnancies. When I was pregnant with my daughter I was an "older mom," so of course they tested for Down's (against my wishes – I knew I would love my child no matter what). The test came back positive, and the midwife told me I had no choice but to "terminate" (I though the whole "pro-choice" movement was about MY choice). This midwife even refused to give me prenatal vitamins, but was more than willing to give me a referral for an abortion. I am a research junkie, and found out this test had a 60% false positive rate and met with a doctor who specialized in genetics. She told me that even though I was positive, it was a low positive and the chances were very small anything was wrong with my baby. Today, I have a perfect, beautiful 2 1/2 year old little girl who DOES NOT HAVE DOWN'S! Take that everyone who told me I had to abort!
Location: Portage, IN
Date: March 8, 2012
I was 16 years old when I became pregnant with my daughter. I had only had sex once, and had used protection, and yet somehow... I was pregnant. I had mixed feelings, but knew from the start that abortion was not an option for me. My parents ended up kicking me out of their house. Most of my "friends" stopped talking to me, and many people were insisting that I should abort my baby. I said "no," I would not even let that thought cross my mind. So here I am three and a half years later. I have a one-year-old son now too. My daughter has recently been diagnosed with autism. Someone actually had the guts to ask me if I had known she would have autism, if I would have done things differently. And to answer to the entire world, no, I would not have aborted her. Yes, she makes my life more difficult. Yes, she hardly ever lets me sleep, and her communication skills are severely delayed. But she is my daughter, and I love her just the way she is, and I would NEVER abort my child. Every human being deserves a chance at life, who are we to take that away?
Location: Gordonville, PA
Date: March 8, 2012
We found out in June of 2011 that we were pregnant, and were so excited as the anticipation to be parents had been turning in us for quite some time now. It was a pretty routine pregnancy and I was blessed to have mild sickness in the beginning (thank you for that Joshua). At about 22 weeks we went to in find out the gender of our precious child, and we were both so excited we could hardly make it through the day as we waited. I will never forget that moment, looking at the ultrasound screen, hearing our doctor’s words, “I’m very concerned for this baby.” It was as if my heart sunk into a hundred pounds of cement. I held back the tears, hoping he was just seeing something incorrectly. As we waited for him to come back into the room, the news only got worse. We went into our appointment so excited to find out if we were having a boy or a girl, and we left 3 and a half hours later with the news that our child would most likely not live. I could do nothing but cry that night, my body weak from the news. My husband and I prayed constantly in those next few days, clinging to some hope that the doctors were wrong and our baby was OK. After a series of doctor visits over the next couple of months, different specialists continued to confirm the previous doctor’s findings. The only thing was, no one had an exact diagnosis or idea of what was the cause of our baby’s complications.
For the following month or so my husband and I sat in the most difficult pain and trial we have ever been through. All but two doctors highly recommended we terminate our child, but this was not an option for us. We knew it wasn’t our decision to make, and if God wanted this child to go home to be with Him, He would take him when it was His timing. My husband felt very strongly over the next few days that we were called to love our baby and to cherish each day we had with him. It’s hard to know what that looks like: to cherish the life of someone you haven’t met, you can’t hold, kiss, touch, or see. So as we prayed about how we could best embrace our son’s life each day we were given with him, God showed us more and more how to do this and what a blessing it was. For most women, they count down to their due date so they can start their life with their child. But for us, we knew there was a good chance that each day we got closer to our due date, we were getting closer to saying goodbye. Pregnancy for us changed so much through this experience, as we were learning to love Joshua the best we could before ever meeting him.
We chose the name Joshua because it means “Jehova saves.” We prayed daily for a miracle, and we believed wholeheartedly that God could have healed our child completely if He desired. However, we knew that though we don’t understand God’s ways, we could trust Him and rest in His plan for our baby. So whether he saved Joshua from what doctors said was a “mystery diagnosis”, or He saved him from the pains of this life, the truth remains that God saves.
We prayed over Joshua daily, and held onto Psalm 139:13-16 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was being made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days you ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”
Joshua was born a month early, on January 16th 2012, and he lived for 9 minutes in my arms. Leading up to his birth our hearts were filled with both joy and sorrow, and with the anticipation of meeting our child the same day we would have to say goodbye. There’s no way to prepare for that other than to trust Jesus in each and every moment, so that’s what we did. After about 12 hours of waiting in the hospital, we finally got to meet our son and I will never forget that moment. It was the most special moment of my life as I felt this overwhelming love for him consume my heart. I never knew a mother’s love until they placed him on my chest and I held him close to my heart. Here he was – our child, our baby, our son. We held him, cried over him, smiled at how perfect and precious he was, prayed over him, quoted scripture over him, and just took in as much of Joshua as we could. We couldn’t take our eyes off of him, for he was beautiful. He’s been a fighter from the start, and we saw his fighting personality in those short 9 minutes as he fought so hard to breath, but his lungs just weren’t strong enough. We feared he might suffer, but he was so peaceful and we could sense God’s presence with us – all three of us. Nine minutes just wasn’t enough time to be with him and to love him. We dreamt of a lifetime with him and were given only minutes. But God was very present and He filled that hospital room with His peace, strength, joy and love. We watched Joshua as he was held in the loving arms of family and friends, and were so happy his life got to be shared. That night we just held our baby in our arms and took in as much as we could. We wanted to know every detail about his face: his soft head with a little bit of brown hair, his cute little nose, his round soft cheeks, and his precious little chin. We couldn’t stop kissing him and the more we held him the more we couldn’t put him down. I wasn’t sure what it would be like to hold our child without life in him, but I found myself unable to let go of him at times. I just needed more time to hold my baby and to love him.
Although the pain I experience now is so deep and difficult to bear, I would go through it all over again to experience the joy Joshua has brought into my life. I’ve found myself thinking, “Would I have changed anything if I could have avoided the pain of losing Joshua?” And my answer, without any hesitation, is NO. I would not choose to avoid this pain if it meant missing out on the gift of my son. I think back to those 9 minutes with him alive, watching him take each breath, watching him fight, and those are the most valuable 9 minutes of my life. I wouldn’t replace them for anything – including the chance to skip the pain I feel now. He was the best part of me for 8 months, and our lives are not the same without him; and they will be forever changed because of him. I was Joshua’s voice, and I am so thankful I chose life for him. As mother’s, we are our unborn child’s voice. We have the very serious responsibility to decide if they live or die. I think back on how many doctors offered termination as our first option, and they offered it as though we would choose that for our child; and I realize how my voice has never been as powerful as it was the moment I chose life for Joshua. Though we knew he would most likely die in our arms, my husband and I wanted his life to be dignified. We wanted to celebrate his life and to get to know him the best we could for as long as the Lord gave us. After going through this situation, I am more passionate than ever to encourage other women not only to cherish each day in their pregnancy, but to be a voice for your child. I pray women will be able to realize that their voice is never so powerful as it is when it comes to your baby. I know how scary it is to carry a child you know will die in your own arms. I know how hard it is to wait for months to watch your baby die. I know how difficult it can be to go through the physical pain of carrying a baby and to go home with an even deeper emotional pain. But I also know the indescribable joy of holding your baby in your arms, loving that child, and honoring your child’s life. The joy Joshua has brought into our lives is worth the pain of losing him. When people ask if we have children, our answer will be “yes.” We have a son who will be forever loved, cherished, honored and missed. I pray others will choose life for the chance to experience the amazing gift God gives us through each child, no matter how long we have with them in our arms.
When we celebrated Joshua's life at the memorial service, I was in awe at the hundreds of people who were there to honor him. An innocent little baby, given only 9 minutes on this earth, had hundreds of people honor, embrace, cherish, and celebrate his life. What a blessing that is to us, as his parents, to know our son’s life was honored. A life that lasted 9 minutes has impacted others forever.
We love you Joshua, and are so filled with joy to be your parents! You have forever changed our lives.
Location: Gypsum, CO
Date: March 6, 2012
I was adopted at birth. And while some adopted children might struggle with abandonment issues, or the need to feel truly wanted, I learned at a young age what a gift my birth mother gave me when she chose to give me up for adoption. She gave me the gift of life. I have never had an abortion, but I could have very easily been aborted. But my mother, whose story I don't know, chose to let me live. I will never feel that she abandoned me; I will forever be grateful for her for giving me such a wonderful gift.
Location: Ontario, Canada
Date: January 27, 2012
I went in for my 6 month exam and the doctor was having trouble finding the heartbeat. He looked more and more uncomfortable as he tried to find it. Finally, after 10 awful minutes he decided to give me an ultrasound to “find the hiding baby.” Worse news. Now we could visually see my tiny little baby just lying there totally lifeless. No heartbeat. No movement. The doctor shook his head and told me it looked like she had died a couple weeks earlier. He immediately started talking about sending me to a good place where doctors would know what to do and make the next step as quick and easy as possible.
His words began to run together in my mind. The only thing I could hear was my own heart beating all the way in my throat. All I could think was, “This can’t be happening.”
We were referred to a local hospital for a D and E. Basically the same operation that would be performed for an abortion. Not only did I have the trauma of losing my baby girl, but now I have to deal with the thought of some sterile, family-planning, pro-abortion doctors taking away my daughter without a care in the world. No closure, just thoughts of what could have been.
We ran into somewhat of a miracle as we came to the hospital and the security officers took us to the wrong floor. They took us to labor and delivery, where a group of nurses looked dumbfounded as I explained my situation. “We don’t do D and E’s here”, one nurse said. “There is obviously some kind of mix up”. They told me they were so sorry for my loss and took me to a room to wait while everything got figured out. About a half hour passed before they came back and explained my options. I could stay here and have full labor, or wait a few days and meet a special doctor at a different location to have the “procedure” done. As much as I didn’t want the pain of labor, I also knew that I wanted to somehow honor my daughter and give her a respectful birth. I wanted desperately to hold her and see her face. We decided then and there to start full labor and take the bad with the good. Labor took a total of 6 and a half hours and was extremely painful.
Destiny Hope Fiorello was born 9oz and 9 inches. She was perfect. We got to hold her and kiss her and spend time with her. It was really beautiful and healing. She looked so much like her sister.
I know this seems so sad, and really, it is a very sad thing. But I experienced something so beautiful at that hospital. It was like this heavy blanket of grace just fell on me. I didn’t really feel much sorrow. I felt healing. I felt hope. The Lord surrounded me with people that facilitated this healing, and His own supernatural presence to give me “peace that surpasses understanding”. I am sad, yes. But…..I choose to hope. I was given a chance to see beauty in the midst of tragedy, and I want to honor her short life by living a life of hope. She is experiencing the most amazing glory right now. She is in good hands….and I will see her again.
Date: January 23, 2012
I was a young army wife living in Germany when I got pregnant with my second child. My first child has a very small birth defect on the top of his head. Because of this defect in the first born, I was sent to Langstuhl, Germany to see an Air Force colonel (genetic doctor) who told me to abort my second child. My husband and I were Christians and could not dream of aborting our baby. Praise the Lord that we did not listen to the colonel. We had a beautiful almost 10 pound baby boy. He is 12 now and a blessing.
Location: Harker Heights, Texas
Date: January 18, 2012
When I was 17, I dated a guy who was 19. He told me he loved me. He was aggressive sexually. I lost my virginity to what we now call date rape. I immediately was pregnant, and terrified. It wasn't legal to get an abortion, but many doctors made some quick cash doing illegal abortions, so my boyfriend asked if I thought I wanted one. No way, I said. Over the next 6 months I hid my pregnancy so no one could make me get an abortion. At last, I couldn't hide it. My parents were furious. My mother wouldn't speak to me for days, and my father threatened to kill the baby and slugged me in the arm, but didn't hit my stomach. After a few days, they settled down and got excited about the baby. Still, I got kicked out of public school only 6 weeks before graduation. I got a GED, but missed college. Instead, the boyfriend and I married, and I had the baby. She was amazing. I had never known you could love anyone as much as I loved that baby girl. Our parents fell in love with her, too.
After a few years, my husband started beating me up. He would say if I left him, he would take my baby away or hunt me down and kill me or kill my parents. I couldn't leave because there were no safehouses back then. One night I prayed for God to get him to leave, and a few days later he came home, packed his clothes and moved in with a girlfriend he'd been seeing on the side.
Within a couple of years, I met a wonderful, kind man, and we married. He has been a great father for my daughter, and we had kids of our own. We've been married 34 years. I've gotten some college and am an artist and writer.
My daughter is 42. She's still awesome. She has two kids; one of them was also an "accident." A girl. Thank God abortions were illegal back in 1969, or I might have had an abortion out of fear. I'm the type of person that would never have gotten over it. My daughter and her children make all the hardships worthwhile.
Location: North Carolina
Date: January 4, 2012
My birth mother, we'll call her Leah for privacy reasons, was living with her boyfriend when she discovered she was pregnant. I have one picture of her. She gave me a lot of her characteristics; dark hair, dark eyes, and short. She was a body builder. Unfortunately, body builders often use drugs and she did too. Up until discovering her pregnancy, Leah used crystal methamphetamine. That basically makes me a drug baby; I wasn't an ideal human anymore and might have a poor "quality of life." Her boyfriend, also a body builder, had no interest in a child, seeing me as a nuisance and bother, not a life. After all, Leah had taken drugs and that's not the best thing to do to ensure the health of a baby. He told her that if she didn't get an abortion, he would kick her out. Simple enough decision. She had no where to go. My very existence was an inconvenience that a basic procedure would fix, ridding her of her "fetus."
I wonder what the doctor told her. I wonder how the nurses assured her. What words did people use to convince her that I wasn't a life, that I had no future, that killing me was a practical choice. I wonder what they would think if they met me.
Leah made her appointment. Drove to the clinic. Walked in the door. Went into the room. Lay down on the table. Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Me dying that day was not part of God's sovereign plan. Leah later told my birth parents what happened.
As she was lying there on that table, waiting for the doctor to go to work she heard God speak to her. He told her "No, you can't do this." She sat up, walked out, and never looked back.
My adoptive parents had been trying to adopt a child for 7 years. They had almost given up hope. But at the perfect time, God brought Leah to them through a private adoption agency. My parents were ready to quit and Leah was alone in the world. God was bigger and His plan larger than the pain they were feeling at the time. Despite Leah's drug relapse right before my birth, I popped out, a healthy baby girl.
Sometimes, I wish I could meet Leah. I want to thank her. I was inconvenient, I brought her suffering, but she, by God's grace, gave me life.
I don't know where you are in your life. I don't know your story. You might be a grown adult. I encourage you, vote for life. Do not support any legal measure that gives women the ability to kill their own children. If you are a parent, whose daughter has made a mistake, encourage her. Give her the support she needs to continue in her pregnancy and help her make a decision between keeping and raising the child or giving him up for adoption.
Leah never even told her parents about me. She knew she would receive only judgment and anger from them. Never tell your daughter that ego or other people's opinion is more important than her baby's life.
If you are a young man who has become a father, be a father. Don't act like Leah's boyfriend, who was so important to himself that he encouraged her to make a choice between his convenience and my life.
If you have a close friend who is pregnant with an unwanted baby, let them know that you and God love that baby. Offer whatever aid the mother might need. Tell her about her options. Be available to drive her to a counseling center or to a doctor. Do not gossip about her.
Finally, if you are a woman who is pregnant with a baby you don't want, who will inconvenience you, or you can't take care of, you have options. Thousands of couples can not have their own children and must wait for years before they can adopt. You can legally leave your baby on the door step of a Fire Department and they will find a home for him.
My mother chose life. I admire and love her for it. My life has been a continual road of blessing after blessing heaped upon me. Jeremiah 29 doesn't stop at verse 11 but continues with, "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." God has revealed himself to me and I have found Him. There is no greater joy. Your baby has the right to that as well.
I don't enjoy sharing this. It is personal. But I don't think God's miracles are meant to be kept secret. I hope and pray that my story may change some people's minds.
Date: January 1, 2012
I was 17 years old when I found out I was pregnant. It was probably the most horrifying experience of my life. To this day when I think about that time, almost 5 years ago, I get emotional because the fear of the unknown was ridiculously frightening. Thankfully I knew from the beginning that abortion was never an option for me, although I definitely had numerous people tell me that I should consider it. I will never understand how those people can look at my children now knowing that they told me to kill my oldest one. Even though I could never kill my child just because he was conceived at an inconvenient time, I often wished (in the beginning of my pregnancy at least) that God would take the life of my child in the womb so I didn't have to face the upcoming changes in my life. Although it saddens me to recount such selfish wishing on my part, it shows how I fully understand the desperation young people encounter while considering abortion. I thank God every day that he did not grant me my wish because today I have two blessings that I could never live without. My children give my life purpose and they fill me with the most amazing feeling: unconditional love. To anyone considering abortion, I beg you to understand that you CAN have your baby and you will not regret it. You can do anything that you put your mind and heart into. Believe me, I fully understand the feelings that you are feeling. I have been there and know how hard this time in your life is. The moment you see your baby for the first time will make all of the stresses and worry you feel now seem trivial. I plead with you now to give your child a chance and know that you have all of heaven cheering for you. May God bless you and help you.
Location: Mount Pleasant, PA
Date: December 22, 2011
I was raped. Then a month or so later, I was feeling sick and having to take time off work, so I went to the doctor. He got me to do a pregnancy test. The two lines came up and I was sitting there waiting for the nurse to come and tell me what that meant. There was a mother sitting there with her son. I tried to make eye contact with her and ask her. I was sitting there trying to breathe and not start bawling, in denial. How could this happen to me?! The nurse or doctor finally came over and stated “You are pregnant.” I started to cry. I had no one with me. I was shaking. The doctor said, “I will be back, to discuss your options.” The room which was full, now cleared. Not one person stayed in that room with me, to console me. I was in a daze. I left. In tears. No one tried to stop me. No one came after me. I was bawling. I am never going back to that doctor – no way, not after the way they gave me no support!
I went to my brother’s house, which was right down the road from me. He wasn’t home. So I drove to my mum and dad’s house. Thank God they were home. I flew into the house and said, “I’m pregnant” and went straight into dad’s arms and he just held me and started crying too. I though how could this happen and went back through what happened in my head. I had blocked out a lot and it took me a few weeks to remember what happened in more detail and to accept how I had gotten pregnant. I thought, "I don’t want a baby without a husband. I can’t do this by myself." I had counseling and talked to those I trusted. Later Dad talked to me about having a pill that would abort the baby. I thought, “What the hell? He’s supposed to be a Christian and he’s telling me to do this!” I said no! I’ve always thought of a baby as a baby, none of this, "it’s just tissue" business. I hoped for a miscarriage many times. Then after a while a accepted this baby, and did everything for him/her. I accepted that my life would change. The support I got from my parents, my best friend and my church was what I needed. I was hoping for a girl, as I didn’t want a boy as I thought it would look like the guy, if it were a boy. I had an ultrasound and found out the baby was a boy. I was devastated, but after a while I accepted that too. I had a little boy, growing inside me. To feel him wiggle to music and move etc was something you can’t describe. When he was born, I was in love. He was gorgeous. The lessons I learned those first few days were amazing. I learned to stand up for myself more and for the boy. I called him The Boy, as it seemed more right. For it was God’s special gift, so he was God’s and mine. The boy ended up in the NICU, as he didn’t feed in the first 24 hours. I felt sick, I couldn’t eat much. I was so worried he wasn’t going to make it. Many prayers from many people and five days later, he was feeding and his infection was better and we went home. Other problems went on from here, but I won’t go into it.
I had the attitude that this baby was mine and not that guys. He was born for a reason; this all happened for a reason and he will go on to do great things! The way he came around was not nice, but this is the best experience. You gain feelings you never knew you had in you. When they say your heart is living outside your body, it’s true. Your love is so big you can hardly contain it. I wanted to see my child grow up, and not miss out on anything. I wanted to see his milestones. His first steps, hear his first words, etc. I wanted my child to have a father, but this was not so–for now.
Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes it’s better being by myself as I only have myself to rely on. If a decision needs to be made, I can make it. If bags need to be packed for going away etc, it’s only up to me to pack. If something gets left behind, there is no fight with a partner to say, “I thought you packed that.” I still hope God will send a Father for my boy and a husband for me though, so we can share the joy and have more children.
Now I wonder how dad feels as he wanted me to take that pill, as he loves my son to bits and can’t wait to spend time with him and teach him “boy stuff.” I’m so glad watching my precious boy grow up. He’s such a great boy and he’s growing up in a loving, godly environment.
Thank you God for your gift of life!
Date: December 20, 2011
I was 18, just graduated from high school and planning on going to a top Christian college in the fall when I found out I was pregnant. I had big plans and I was going to make them happen. I didn't want my parents or friends to think badly of me. So, I was dead set on abortion. My boyfriend was shocked that I was pregnant, but even more shocked that I had decided on abortion because I had always been a "pro-life" Christian (and a pastor's kid). I hesitate to call myself truly pro-life at that point in my life because it was more of a political belief than a true conviction of how awful abortion really is.
My boyfriend begged me not to have an abortion. I ended up going to a crisis pregnancy center to humor him. I expected them to be judgmental and condescending, however, there I was treated with more compassion than I had ever imagined. They didn't treat me like I was just a host body to the fetus they were trying to save. One of the nurses said something to me that almost made me change my mind. She said that another girl who had chosen to have her baby said this: "I thought about when I'm 80 and what decision I would be proud of when I look back at my life." Like I said, it *almost* got me to change my mind, but it didn't. I made an appointment at the abortion clinic. I wanted to get in the next day so that I could use my full-time summer job as a cover story for my being gone all day (the abortion clinic was in a town 100 miles from my home town). However, because of a mandatory wait law my state has, I wasn't able to get in until the next week.
I'm telling you all of this so you can see what led to me ultimately not having an abortion. That week gave my boyfriend the time and the courage to go behind my back and tell my dad what was happening. That led to an outpouring of love, support and forgiveness from my family. Because of that, I now have a beautiful almost 2-year-old. I married my boyfriend, not out of obligation, but out of love. I came to love him even more after seeing his courage and strength to stand up to me and save not only our daughter, but myself as well. I'm now a junior in college, graduating on time and I have a life full of love. Seeing how God watched over me and intervened to prevent me from a life of regret and hurt when I was so willing to seek sin to cover sin has renewed my relationship with Him. That relationship is now the foundation of my marriage and my parenthood. God is so merciful. My life is more complete now than it ever has been.
For anyone who's considering abortion, I want to reiterate what that nurse at the clinic said to me. I know how it feels to be in that situation. You feel panicked and all you know is that you need to fix the problem now. Abortion clinics feed off of that panic. They fight 24-hour waiting laws that allow you time to think or people to intervene. They know that you can't think further than the next 9 months and they use that to their advantage. If you're thinking of an abortion, please, go to a crisis pregnancy center and let them tell you what your options are. They really, honestly care about not just your baby, but you, too. There's so much support out there. I know its hard when you feel like you have to fix the problem as soon as possible, but really try to think about that 80-year-old you. I know its scary, but try to find the strength I didn't have, the strength my husband did. I guarantee you won't regret it. Don't be another story of regret to add to this website.
I'm praying for you.
Location: North Dakota
Date: December 15, 2011
Around the 20th of October 2010, I fell pregnant. I was still 15 at the time. So many people told me life was over, to just terminate the pregnancy. Even my daughter's own grandfather suggested it. For about 2 days I considered [abortion]... but I didn't. I kept my baby. On the 26th of July 2011, she was born. It was the most painful yet best experience I've ever had. My partner (17) cried so much from happiness. It was truly the BEST day of my life. To all the young girls considering abortion, don't do it, there is always some form of support. I'm lucky enough to have my family and partner. Trust me, keeping that baby will be in the long run the best thing you ever did. My daughter is now 11 weeks. She has the most hypnotizing blue eyes, and the smallest amount of brown hair. She's recently learned to laugh and smile, and she's almost sitting on her own.
I may not believe in god, but I believe in pro life. No matter the circumstances, I will never believe in abortion (rape, down syndrome, ectopic etc). It is not the child's fault it was conceived that way. It is not its fault that it has down syndrome, so what if you can't care for a down syndrome baby or baby conceived from rape. Give it to someone who will love it. The majority of women on here feel regret. It's truly sad that you cannot go back on it. I wish I could have met you all and told you that "it is okay to have that baby".
One of my closest friends was held down and guilted by her own mother into having an abortion. Just the other day she was telling me that even years later she is so sad and depressed. I wish I could have been there for her before her abortion, to tell her it doesn't matter that her mother wasn't happy. if keeping that child makes you happy, then you do it. If not, adoption is the next best thing.
So please, before you [have an abortion], consider this; every life is dearly precious... that little life that you might terminate grows into someone so beautiful, someone so warm with a smile that melts your heart each time. It may not have a heartbeat etc straight away, but it is alive, right at the moment of conception. It is alive. I hope one day for the whole world to be pro life.
Location: Perth, Australia
Date: October 17, 2011
I was 19, with an on-again, off-again boyfriend/sometimes fiance. He was abusive, but at the time I didn't think I could do any better. I had a full ride to a good private college. When I discovered I was pregnant, at first I was happy, thinking my partner and I would be a family. But all the promises he had made me didn't happen, and he grew steadily more abusive. Finally, I left him. After having left him, I had a tough choice. Give up my scholarship and go back home to have my baby, or 'take care of the problem'. I felt so sad, lost, and hopeless... my future was down the toilet, I thought, and my family will be so ashamed of me. I chose to give my beautiful baby boy life, and I have never looked back. I went home and found so many wonderful sources of support. My local pregnancy center and its staff, my family and friends, even strangers at my church–they were all willing to help me, just as they will be willing to help you. I am in school now, and though it's no full ride, I do just fine. You can NEVER take it back if you choose not to give your child life, and I have seen the pain it causes. My son is the light of my life, and I would never have traded him for my personal freedom. You are not alone in this, and you will never know any feeling greater than the love you feel for your child and the love he gives to you. I am so grateful I chose life.
Date: October 12, 2011
It was the first semester of college and I had just broken up with my my ex-boyfriend. After our first date back together, I found out I was pregnant. My family is a very religious family so I was sure my parents were going to kick me out. To my surprise, they were there for me through it all. Now I'm married and have a beautiful little girl. Ive seen what abortion does to other women. It's not worth killing your unborn child. You'll love your baby so much. Every baby is a blessing.
Date: October 9, 2011
I was 18 when I got pregnant. I thought my life was over. The father already had another child that he did not want anything to do with, I was living alone, no car, and just the clothes on my back. I carried small so I could hide my pregnancy. I couldn't tell my mom, she was a pastor and severely judgmental. I contacted my ex and told him I wanted an abortion. He agreed. He didn't want to pay two child supports. How sad. I began making calls. After I found out costs, he agreed to pay half because paying half now was cheaper than 18 years of child support. How terribly sad. My current boyfriend's mother wanted me to give the baby for adoption. Every one thought I couldn't do it. But I can tell you right now. I canceled that appointment. I kept my baby. And almost 2 years later, I have never been more in love. Her name is Hailey. I'm working part time, pinching pennies. Sometimes my bills are late. But I am so happy. I do not know where I would be without her. Life is now much harder but so much more worth it. Teaching her to walk and talk... words cannot begin to explain... and when she hugs me so tight and says "mine mommy" my heart melts and I am reduced to tears. Ladies, no matter how much you think a baby won't fit into your plans... I promise she will. There is no greater love than what a mother has for her child.
Date: September 28, 2011
Houston summers are hot...really hot. This particular summer would especially make me sweat. It was 1997 and I was turning 17. I had friends, youth, and a brave heart that was ready to take on the world. All that was about to change.
My girlfriend and I just finished our junior year of high school and we were ready to embrace the full like of a senior. From the parties to the senior trips, we were excited to begin our final year of high school. This was going to be all about us, right?
Things began to change as my girlfriend began feeling really sick one night. She took medicine but the pain persisted and we tried everything hoping that it was just something she ate and things would get back to normal. She ended up at the doctor's office with her mom and after running a few tests, she got the news she least expected...she was pregnant. I remember receiving the phone call from the office. I was in my room and as soon as I heard those words, my knees buckled and I nearly fell to the floor. I was in a state of shock. On top of that, my girlfriend told me she couldn't talk and just like that, she was gone.
From that point on, her parents made it clear that we were not to speak to each other. In fact, her dad made it known that he really didn't care for me at this point. He language was a little more colorful and forceful. It took a few weeks but I broke the news to my parents. They were shocked but supportive. Through all of this, I managed to talk to my girlfriend and this was the first time the word came up…abortion.
It crossed our minds because like I mentioned earlier, our senior year was fast approaching and it was all about us. Not only that but what would our friends think? What about our future plans? What about our fun trips that we planned?
Thankfully, by God's grace, my girlfriend had a conversation with a pastor whom convinced her to have the baby. I admit, I wasn't sure what to think at the time but I respected the decision and we decided we would get through this together. So we braced ourselves for our senior year…
Needless to say, we made it through 1998…all of us. Rather than the pain and guilt that would’ve come with the abortion, God gave us a precious and beautiful 13-year-old daughter. I can’t imagine my life without her. If your life has turned out differently, know that God has extended mercy to you in Christ Jesus. His grace is sufficient to save you and wash away all that you’ve done.
Location: Houston, TX
Date: August 25, 2011
I found out I was pregnant two weeks after my husband (boyfriend at the time) and I split up. We had only been dating on and off for about a year, so I was instantly angry...at him. I was close to finishing up my third year in the military, just had come home from a deployment, and felt like my husband took my life away. I was living life carefree, traveling, going to school, having a good time with my friends...and now I felt as if all of that was over. After taking three at home kits, I went to my OB where he confirmed it all with a blood test. Life after this was a whirlwind for me. I went through many mood changes, as most pregnant women do :) but most of my emotions were ones of anger, which only forced me to push my husband almost completely out of my life. I am and always have been Pro-Life, and I knew without a doubt that this baby will forever and always be the love of my life, and at 15 weeks when I found out that he was a boy, life began for me. (Not that I didn't want a girl, I just really really wanted a boy). My husband and I decided to repair our relationship, which needed a lot of work...and make a life for our child. The day my son was born, was the scariest day of my life. It was when everything shifted from doing what was best for me to doing what is best for him. I love him with every ounce in my body, and I don't think I will ever be able to fathom abortion. It should never be an option. The only option we should be contemplating is to breast feed or formula feed.
Location: Louisville, KY
Date: June 29, 2011
When I was 17 I met the man who is now my husband. We were dating for about a month before I got pregnant. I got pregnant the first time we had sex. I woke up one night not feeling well so the next day my mom took me to her OB-GYN. After taking a urine sample he walked in and flipped his chart and asked when my last menstrual cycle was before proceeding to tell me that I was pregnant. I dropped out of high school during the pregnancy due to bullying issues with the kids at school. I felt pretty bummed about sitting out for a whole year but felt that I was protecting my baby by doing so. Nine months later my husband graduated high school, joined the military and we got married. When my son turned four months old I found out that we were again expecting. I felt so miserable, wishing that I would have taken proper precautions not to get pregnant again. I feared that my mom was going to be upset with me but she wasn't. My husbands first duty station was overseas and being young we went through the tests of time. So much changed for us in such little time. We weren't prepared to get married so young but we were determined to figure it out. We made many mistakes and had bouts of infidelity and bickering and fighting for the right to want to be young but knowing that we were now parents. We split up and got back together and during the hardest times we fell flat on our faces many times. After our two children together I ended up having two children outside of the marriage. The first child that was born outside of our marriage, I did not consider abortion as an option. With my second outside of the marriage I felt so embarrassed to have fallen so terribly and on top of it all the father was pressuring me into having an abortion that I actually scheduled the appointment and was days away when my husband came to me and said that the Lord had revealed to him the man that the affair was with and asked me if I wanted to confirm and I did and also told him that I was pregnant. The first thing he said was, "would you like for me to pray with you?" I was shocked and taken back by his response. He later found out about my plans to not keep the baby and he demanded that I keep the baby and questioned the character of the father in order for him to be pressuring me into doing such a thing. Since then I have had my child and finished my high school diploma and my marriage is now free of infidelity and and we are more whole now than we have ever been. I realized that I wasn't a bad person, I was running from some things in my life that had happened to me as a young child. I stopped running and turned around and faced the giants in my life and overcame. Without Christ I would not be able to be here today writing my testimony. One of the scriptures that spoke to me was Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."I knew abortion couldn't be right option for me because my baby had a purpose in this world. Who was I to abort its mission?
Location: Newport News, VA
Date: June 13, 2011
I have always been pro-life, but I know, respect and even love people who are pro-choice. However, I never really understood them. So I researched using this site and others and if anything only strengthened my convictions.
Then, I became pregnant with my third child. I hadn't planned on having a third child. My family felt complete with two. Because of my convictions, I knew that I could never abort a child, but I also did not experience any closeness to the baby growing within. I felt compassion as I would to any child, but not any bonding. I also had an annoying pregnancy, not necessarily difficult, but I had morning sickness everyday for all three trimesters and I just felt a lot more tired than I had with my other two. I thought that here, I finally understood all of those women who said that they just felt relief when they had ended their pregnancies. I even secretly thought that although I would outwardly be a good mother, I couldn't picture myself "truly" loving this child.
I WAS SO VERY WRONG. I adore my daughter. She adores me. My older children love her so deeply and are so very protective as is my husband and all of those around her. She is charming, smart, compassionate, beautiful and she is LOVED. I treasure her, I have a fierce almost primal love for her. Truly words don't do justice to how much I love her and my other children.
Why do I share this? Because what I learned is that so many if not all of those women who vehemently state that they could not have loved the children they aborted were wrong. I'm glad that I respected the life of my daughter enough to not take it from her. I would have missed out on one of the deepest and strongest loves of my life.
Date: May 1, 2011
I got married a month before I turned 21 to a man who had told me from the start that he didn’t want any children. That was okay because I didn’t want any either, or so I told myself. I wanted a career, a house, and freedom to do whatever and go wherever I pleased at a moment’ s notice, and a child would only hamper that. I had been on birth control pills for several years, so I wasn’t worried.
Four months after we got married, my father took me to the ER because I couldn’t stop throwing up. The doc suspected appendicitis, and ordered an ultrasound. The ultrasound tech called someone in and asked them, “Does that look like 5 weeks or 6 weeks to you?” My heart dropped and I said, “What do you mean ‘six weeks’?!” He told me he couldn’t talk to me about the results. I had to wait to speak to my doctor. But I knew what the tech had said, and I knew what it meant. I started to cry. I was not surprised when the doctor told me that I was pregnant, even though I had thought I could not get pregnant on the Pill. The doctor wanted to keep me overnight at the hospital for observation, since I was very dehydrated. My husband came to see me after he got off of work. I had been crying almost all day, and I cried when I told him. He looked angry and said, “Well, you already know what *I* want you to do.” But deep down, in a place I never would have even admitted existed, I already felt a bond with this little tiny blob that was making me puke my guts out. I had always been pro-choice, even coming from a very Christian, pro-life family. I couldn’t keep this baby. We were barely married. We had a tiny, one bedroom apartment that we struggled to afford. He didn’t want it. I didn’t see how I could raise it alone, and it might end my marriage. But, it was my child. He and I had created it. It was half my DNA. I was so conflicted. I just wished it wasn’t here and I could go back to my normal life. But it existed. And I had 3 choices. Abortion, which terrified me, and I couldn’t quite justify morally. After all, I *was* married, and an adult, and had a supportive family. Adoption, which I knew my husband would fight tooth and nail because he was adopted and (according to him) had had a miserable childhood. And keeping the baby, which scared me out of my wits, but was also strangely attractive to me. I had never thought of myself as a mother, or even a motherly type. But there was no denying that I had life growing inside of me. An unplanned, unexpected, unwelcome little life, but still a life.
I cried all night and only slept when exhaustion took over, but woke up crying often. I cried all the next day. I couldn’t come to a decision, or even a conclusion. I just felt numb, frozen, stuck. My husband couldn’t pick me up from the hospital until after work, so I got dressed and waited, my eyes red, my head clogged, and tears welling up every few minutes. An older woman, maybe in her 60s, came in to re-make the bed and empty the trash and tidy the room. She saw me sitting in the chair, stifling my sniffles and asked me, in broken, Italian-accented English, what was wrong, why was I crying. I burst into fresh tears and the whole story came pouring out of me.
She handed me a box of tissues and said, “You should keep your baby. I had four kids, but I only have one left. One son died in the war, one got a blood disease, and my daughter had cancer. I don’t know what I would do without my youngest daughter. She takes care of me. If I had not had all of my kids, I would be alone today. Have your baby.” When she told me that, I felt a sense of peace come over me and finally was able to stop crying. She gave me a hug and I thanked her.
When my husband arrived, I calmly told him I couldn’t have an abortion. I knew I just couldn’t live with my conscience for the rest of my life if I made that choice. He was clearly not happy, but said it was my choice to make, not his, and he would be there for me. He left when our daughter was 2 months old, and was gone for two months. I begged him every day on the phone to come home. When he came back, we tried to work it out for the baby’s sake, and stayed together for several more years, even having a son together. The day that I told him I wanted a divorce, he suggested we have another baby. I don’t think I ever forgave him for wanting to abort our little girl. I’m sure it contributed to our unhappy marriage.
That little girl is now almost 17 and an amazing young woman. My ex moved 1200 miles away when she was four and has had little to do with either of his kids. I am remarried to a wonderful man who loved my kids like they were his own from the very beginning. We have a little girl together and are expecting again. My pro-choice views have evolved completely into being unequivocally, unapologetically, and vocally pro-life. I am so thankful that God, or fate, or karma, or chance put that woman and I in the same room at the same time. Without her, I might still be crying.
Location: Chicago, IL
Date: April 21, 2011
First off, this story isn't mine, it's my Mother's. I would ask her to submit her story here, but she isn't much for the internet, and likewise does not even own a computer. Regardless, I feel that her story is noteworthy, and therefore worth telling here.
This took place some years ago--1986, in point of fact. My Mother suspected that she was pregnant with her second child, and was fooled (as many are) by the optimistic name of "Planned Parenthood."
My Mother only had two goals in mind for that day: 1)Find out if she was actually pregnant and 2)find out if the baby was healthy. The employees of Planned Parenthood had a different agenda. They did not congratulate her when it was confirmed that she was carrying, they told her that they were so, so sorry, and that they could "take care of it." She did not understand their reaction until they began explaining to her all of the reasons she should be aborting the child.
"No, you don't understand, I want to have the baby. Why wouldn't I?" she asked, but they persisted, and continued to bring in consultants and employees who gave her the abortion sales pitch.
Now my Mother is a strong woman, but she has always loved children, and has never understood why anyone would want to kill their child. Regardless of her emotional strength, the idea that she was being so heavily pressured to abort her child brought her to tears. She begged them to stop, but they kept insuring her that having a child was a horrible experience, a financial strain, an unnecessary burden... and the abortion would be relatively painless, they said. She persisted through sobs that she had no intention of having an abortion, and wound up screaming for my Father who was in the waiting area outside to come help her get out of the room. They were actually trying to keep her from leaving!
The person those Planned Parenthood employees were so vehemently trying to kill? Her name is Ashley. She's happily married and in nursing school. Extremely intelligent, creative, and sweet. My Mother still weeps when she thinks about the employees at Planned Parenthood who tried to take her from us.
Location: Birimgham, AL
Date: April 21, 2011
I had just turned 15 when I got pregnant. When I told "him" that I was pregnant he panicked, said he wasn't ready to get married, and this, that and the other, that he wanted me to have an abortion. Even at 15, I didn't agree with abortion. So I told him not to worry about it, that I would never tell who he was and he could go on with his life, and that's what he did. Not that race matters now, but this was 22 years ago. I'm a white 15 year old, pregnant with a black baby. I knew the hurdles I would go through with my family but that didn't even effect my choice, to make any other choice would be selfish and cold-hearted. I always heard "you made your bed lie in it," which means take responsibilities for your actions. So anyways I had Johnny when I was still 15 and he has been a blessing to me from the day I knew I was pregnant. Yea my life was hard making ends meet, dealing with racist family members. Life got easier when I met my husband. He has been Johnny's dad since he was 6, but 6 years before that I was the only one. Today I have a high school graduate, a college student, a college football player. Some one who has made me so proud to be his mom. And there were A LOT of people with the same comments, how are you gonna raise a baby, babies having babies, he won't grow up to be anybody cause you won't raise him right and all the same bull crap. I wish I could get some of the comments from his teachers and coaches about how respectful and kind, all the good things they say about Johnny. Who woulda known? Me!!
If you are considering abortion, think about how having a baby will change your life for the good! If you don't want a baby... do all you can do to not get pregnant, which I know there is no way to completely do that, I was on Mirena, when me & my husband had our last baby :) But think about how much good a baby can do. Don't be selfish! Your baby is a loving caring person who will love you forever and you should love your baby forever!
Date: April 20, 2011
In 1990, I was 18 and found out I was pregnant. I was scared, felt like I was alone, thought my parents were going to kill me, was confused and did I mention scared?
I knew that the “easy” way out would be to get an abortion, but I also knew that would be killing the child growing inside me and I couldn’t do that. I also knew it really wouldn’t be the easy way out, that if I had done that, I would always remember what I had done and have emotional scarring for the rest of my life.
My mom and dad told me that they were disappointed in me (for getting pregnant in the first place), but loved me and would support whatever decision I chose. I knew that if I kept the baby, chances would be that my mom and dad would have raised him. This child needed a mom and a dad, not a teenage mom and grandparents raising him. I decided to give him up for adoption.
We spoke to our pastor (who is still my pastor today) and he connected us to an adoption agency. The adoption process started out as a closed adoption. The parents adopting my child wouldn’t know who I was and I wouldn’t know who they were. I was ok with this.
In 1990 there were some cases in the news of parents who had given their children up for adoption that came back 2 or 3 years later to get their children back. That frustrated me. I couldn’t imagine the heartache the children and adopted parents were going through. I decided to write a letter to the couple who were adopting my child. I let them know that this was their child I was carrying and I would not come back later and try to take him/her away from them. It was not long after I wrote that letter when the adoptive parents decided that they wanted to meet me. I am so blessed that God allowed this to happen.
On August 30, 1990, my son was born. I don’t remember the date I went to finalize the adoption, but on that day he officially became their child. They had already adopted a beautiful Asian girl. I remember her running around flashing her sweet smile.
They have kept in touch with my parents and I, sending updates yearly. I was blessed to see the children grow.
This year my son will be 21 years old. When I was younger, I used to think what life would have been like had I not given him up for adoption. But then I think of this family and know that I made the best decision. God had a family in mind when he put this family together and it involved my son.
I married in 1992. I met him while I was pregnant with my son. One of the wonderful things about my husband was that he never judged me for getting pregnant. He loved me for who I was. Just a year after our first wedding anniversary, our first daughter was born. In 1995, our second daughter was born into our family and then the boys came: 1997, 1998, 2002, and 2004. We are a blessed family.
Date: April 20, 2011
2007- I was a 24 year old soldier in the Army, deployed to Iraq for the second time, separated from my husband for going on two years due to deployments (though we hadn't been doing well anyways). I found out I was pregnant in the middle of my deployment, in the desert, away from my husband. The father and I had already decided that if that was to happen, I would use my R&R (two weeks of leave/vacation to go home) to get an abortion, quietly, and return to duty. No one had to know. I went home fully expecting and planning on killing my child, and returning to Iraq like nothing had happened. Upon de-boarding my final flight home to see my family, I told my mom my situation and my plan and let her know that nothing could stop me.
I couldn't have this baby. I was cheating on my husband, pregnant by another man, in a combat zone. My military unit would certainly prosecute me for adultery if they found out... no amount of reasoning was going to change any of that so my only option seemed clear. I made my appointment with Planned Parenthood, and barreled my way through my vacation, anxious to "just get this over with". But on the day of my first appointment (required counseling), I fell apart.
I couldn't even cancel my appointment on my own. I had to ask a friend to do it for me. I cried, and tried to breathe. I tried to make sense of the "choice" I was making. but I felt relieved. I talked to my child's father, hoping he would share in my new found relief, but he didn't. He was angry, and hateful, refusing to accept my "decision." I knew when I canceled my appointment that my child's father would behave this way, but it didn't matter. He didn't want to speak to me, and I didn't care. I had cared at one time. I did anything I could to avoid his anger previous to this. But now I didn't care at all. The things he said hurt, but they didn't sway my convictions. I was a mother, and I would do anything to protect my child. And the stress of knowing I was jumping into this as a single parent was overshadowed by the peace I felt in my heart.
My unit indeed planned to prosecute me for adultery, but God spared me from that. My child's father and I still do not speak and he has no contact with his son. But my son is/was worth every bit of this madness, and more.
I had been against abortion from the day I learned what it was back in high school. I had protested at abortion clinics. But in my despair, I turned to abortion. Thankfully, God heard my mom's prayers, and the prayers of so many others and my heart was renewed, and I now am doing my part to advocate against abortion in any way I can.
There is nothing in your life, no amount of badness, or bad-timing, that can ever justify taking a life, especially the life of a helpless child. There are answers to your questions, and solutions to your problems. Just take the time to look and take the time to pray. And allow your heart to be softened. Dont let the breaking of your heart and madness of your life end the heartbeat of your child..
Location: Menasha, WI
Date: March 9, 2011
My baby was conceived out of wedlock. Actually, my baby was the product of way worse than that. She was conceived as a result of date-rape. I had a stranger's baby. I was pregnant with a stranger's baby. It was not a "violent" date-rape... I was so intoxicated I barely remember the details of the event, and the man was "nice" to me. He didn't hurt me in any way. However, just the thought of carrying a child inside you, knowing that you did not plan for this, and that it was a stranger... it's hard to wrap your mind around. My parents were not initially that supportive of me. They were extremely disappointed in me, but I was struggling with many things at the time of my baby's conception, and sin had me bound fast. I believe Emma was the answer to my most desperate prayer. God saved me by allowing me to come to the end of myself, and giving me a precious child whom I could love better than I ever loved myself. She is my reason for living now, and without her I would still be lost, I'm sure. So my message to people who are considering having an abortion is this: wait. Consider what the consequences will be to you after you have done this. It can never be undone. It can never be reversed. Once a life is taken, it is final. Please don't live with that regret on your shoulders. It will haunt you until the day you die yourself. Please wait. Think. Consider. Before you act.
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Date: February 26, 2011