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I was 19. I had just moved to a new town to be closer to my boyfriend at the time (I know, bone head move, but we were in love). He was in school. I was working at a mall, but moving up at my job. I had plans to finish school, and we were going to move in together. We were active sexually all through our first year of college, and nothing much had changed about that, but we were careful. I wish I could pin point the exact moment that we had a lapse in judgement, but I honestly can’t. I can say that it was a “stunning surprise” to have an annual check up and find out that I was pregnant. I honestly have no recollection as to what the doctor said after the pronouncement.

Now I am not a crier, but I do remember sitting on my couch and crying, and tearfully calling my mother long distance (whom I thought was somehow going to reach through the phone and KILL me!). All she did say was, ” will support you in whatever you decide.” But she had instilled in me, to not come home pregnant unless there was a wedding ring on my hand. I knew going back home was not a real option for me. Besides, I could barely afford to pay my rent. let alone a train ticket back home.

I told my boyfriend, and he was supportive, but like most men, he looked at me and asked what I wanted to do! Like I had the magic answer!! He told me he loved me, and that helped a bit, but how was I going to take care of another life? Financially, my own life seemed to be on the edge of a cliff. He was an unemployed student, and I was employed but in a dead end job if I didn’t go back to school. I had very little savings and my mom was also struggling.

So it was a joint decision to end my pregnancy, on June 15, 1991. I will never forget the date!!! I went somewhere deep inside myself that day. I recall the tiny office, my boyfriend, who later became my fiancé, husband and ex-husband (13 years later), holding my hand. I recall the smells of the room vividly. When I go to a hospital to this day, it makes me feel a bit unnerved!!!

I recall the light green paint on the walls and the tile on the ceiling of the exam room. I recall vividly the doctor telling me to lay back and her telling the nurse that I was not 10 weeks but 13 weeks, and since they had already started the procedure, they might as well finish. I wanted to scream, “NO, stop,” but I was never so scared. Scared to move forward and scared to go back.

I had done a bit of research. I knew somewhat of what it meant to have a termination after 12 weeks, but I also was aware that they had given me drugs, and I was not sure what that meant to my fetus at that point. I closed my eyes and didn’t fight. It is at the very top of my list of REGRETS. There isn’t a June 15th that has gone by since, or will go by, that I haven’t thought of the child I aborted. I have imagined it was a girl and named her. She would be 21 by now, in college, perhaps on her own, and making her own mistakes in life.

I have another child now, she is 19 and in college. The day of her birth was clouded by many things. She was full term, but she had complications. My first thought after seeing her beautiful little face was, “Oh God, I am so sorry for what I did, please don’t take it out on this one.” A bit paranoid I know, but for a while it was touch and go. She is doing just fine now (I thank the havens everyday for that). For a long time I thought I would just put it behind me. Get over it! But on occasion, I look into the eyes of my daughter and get a little glimpse of what her sister may have been like, and it saddens me a bit.

My point is, it stays with you, that choice. In some cases, it haunts you. I know when that day is coming up, I feel it in my bones. My mood changes, though I don’t touch that dark place I went on that day, the place where you are alive and walking and talking but really not there in your body, that place where your inner voice is shouting but no one seems to be listening! If I could save another women from having to make that choice I would.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. It’s the first time I have said these things out loud.

Age: 45
Location: Buffalo
Date: January 15, 2013

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