At eighteen years old, I got pregnant. I had just gotten engaged a few weeks before and, although I wasn't happy about the pregnancy, I was ready to be a responsible adult. My fiance' felt differently. He pouted and cried and made it clear that if I didn't have an abortion, I would ruin his life. We moved to a bigger apartment and I started making preparations to be parents. He moped and pleaded and threatened. When I was about 5 months along, he realized that abortion was just not gonna happen. He left me a few days before rent was due. I had no money. I had a job, but he'd taken the car, and besides I didn't drive. I panicked. I had nowhere to turn and no one to turn to. I ended up leaving everything behind and moved across the country to live with my mostly estranged mother and gave birth to a beautiful red headed girl a few months later. I was scared, emotionally wounded, and flat broke.

Three years later, I found myself in a somewhat similar situation. Pregnant, only this time I was already a single mother, having reunited with, married, and divorced my daughter's father. And the man that I was dating now was mentally unstable, violent, controlling, and used and sold drugs. There was no pouting or pleading. There was no choice, as is the case with over 60% of women who have had an abortion. He told me I was having an abortion and he made arrangements to borrow the money. He didn't put a gun to my head, but had I resisted too much, I suppose there was a possibility of violence. He'd been violent with me before. Homicide is the leading killer of pregnant women. I made it clear to him that I did not want to have an abortion, but he talked me into it. And I didn't want to be a single mother on welfare, whose two children have different fathers. That situation hit too close to home, as that's how I grew up. I didn't want to be forever linked to the horrible guy I was dating. Why was I dating him them......? I wish I could answer that.

His family was religious and tried to talk him out of it. I was not aware of that until much later. He borrowed the money from his newly saved brother, who was not happy about it, but my boyfriend had a way of manipulating people to do what he wanted. I know his brother carried some degree of guilt over it. Maybe he still does. I pray the Lord can touch his heart and heal him if that's true.  I did not go into the procedure lightly. I'm not that sort of woman. I was pro-choice. Or so I thought. I bought into the slogans and propaganda of women's rights that abortion was a simple solution to a problem. I didn't think too long or hard about WHAT I was aborting. I looked at it as simply a backspace button. I had long been a supporter of Planned Parenthood. I had trusted them with all of my "health care". All of my yearly exams were done there. I received birth control from them. When I was pregnant the first time, I remember being really confused by the fact that they didn't offer prenatal care for women choosing to keep their children. I thought, well why don't you..... Now I know why. They aren't about helping or celebrating women or about their rights. They aren't about family or medicine. They are about one thing: ABORTION.

I looked for info about the procedure on their website, as I believed that they were a trusted medical source. It told me I would be given a sedative and may feel mild cramping. I made my appointment. They had two days in which they would be doing abortions that week, July 11th and 12th. July 12th was my 21st birthday. I scheduled for the day before.  I remember my boyfriend and I walking in and the only sound coming from the TV. The receptionist was cold and procedural. I signed in and sat down in the middle "U" shaped section of chairs. To my left, was a young couple, huddled together and sobbing- she more than he. Across the room, on my right, was a hard looking woman in her late 30's. She was wearing biker style clothes and had long brown roots before dyed blond hair. She was alone and not crying. She just stared hard at the floor with a tight face.  I was called up. They asked if I had insurance. I said no. They then asked for $375, cash- no checks. I paid them and was asked to sit back down. More people trickled in, but I assumed the position of the lonely biker woman and just stared at the floor.

Later, we were called into a room where a short Hispanic woman asked me why I wanted an abortion. I told her it was for financial reasons. Then she asked Jon to leave. And asked if it was my own choice. I thought of yelling, "And just what are you gonna do if it isn't???" Instead, I said yes and was sent out with some antibiotics and sedative to take. I was not told the names of these drugs or anything about them.

The drugs put me to sleep as I waited in the lobby to hear my name. When I did, I was led to a room, where I was weighed by a chipper, chubby girl with blonde curly hair. She wanted to chat with me like we were buddies and I wanted to punch her in the face. I was so utterly offended by her bubbly attitude, that I was in shock. But I was too high from the drug to do much other than mumble.  I got undressed from the bottom down. I'll never forget the green shorts and green short sleeved sweater I wore that day. The bubbly girl did an ultrasound that I was unable to view. Again confusion struck me. What are you looking at? What can you possibly be able to see with that? The abortionist was an older man. He did not introduce himself to me or speak to me at all. He walked to the end of the very small room. There were two women, nurses maybe, with him. One of them spoke to me, examined me, and told me when the machine would come on. There was no comfort in her voice, nor explanations, simply procedure.

There was no room for fear in my dazed state. I stared at the ceiling, at the lights, and then like lightening it hit me.  "What am I doing? Oh my god, what the HELL am I doing??" I turned toward my boyfriend, who sat to my left. I wonder what he witnessed and felt. We never spoke about it really. His head was down in his hands and he was sobbing like I'd never heard a man sob. He kept whispering, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He wasn't talking to me. I can't tell you how long it lasted. I've read it's only about 10 or 15 minutes. It felt like hours. I was helped to redress and led to a room to recover. My boyfriend would be waiting in the lobby. The room was long with chairs against the walls, small tables between each chair. All the chairs faced a television that was playing Family Feud, how disgustingly ironic. I cannot watch that show, not that I was a fan. I can't watch it and I can't think about it, without feeling nauseous. I was told to eat a cookie, drink some juice, and after my bleeding was controlled I could leave. I wanted to throw the cookie and juice across the room. But more than anything I wanted to leave. So I complied. I feel like I stayed high from that drug for the next year. I was numb. Within two months of my abortion, I became pregnant again. I didn't care. I felt nothing. I used marijuana throughout most of my pregnancy and didn't seek prenatal care until I was well into my second trimester. My second daughter was born in June.

Shortly after she was born I felt a desire to attend church. I wasn't sure why, but I suddenly felt my children should be raised with a Christian influence–an idea that previously repulsed me.

One afternoon, I was folding laundry and watching television, when a woman came on to talk about how she had survived an abortion. Her name was Gianna Jessen. She told her unbelievable story, but what struck me more than her story was the undeniable LIGHT in her eyes! Something about her BEAMED in a way I could not then explain. Toward the end of the interview, the host of the show asked Ms. Jessen what she thought of her birth mother, the one who had aborted her. Ms. Jessen declared, "I have forgiven her. She didn't know what she was doing."  At that moment, I collapsed on the floor and gave my heart to Jesus. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Christ was speaking through the woman on TV and meant for me to hear those words at that moment.

While a real and whole transformation took place in my heart, some things and pains still lingered. My boyfriend and I were married and had another daughter, but our relationship was a mess. He now too, professed Christianity, but turned to drugs, pornography, and other infidelity. He did not take his role as provider and leader seriously and kept our family in squalor. We fought and had no trust for each other. I could not forgive him for the abortion, no matter how hard I tried. I found solace in another married man. Ultimately, our marriage ended. It was ugly and violent.  Over the past, nearly eight years since my abortion, I have ridden many tides of sorrow and pain, guilt and shame. This year I participated in a Bible study directed at women suffering from a past abortion experience. I was able to grieve in a healthy way for my child, whom the Lord led me to name Vincent. I opened up to other women who understood, in an intimate way that I'd never thought I could. I feel liberated from the chains that Satan had on me. I have been healed now, by the power of Jesus Christ. And you can be too.

If you are pregnant and feel like you have no option other than abortion, you don't need to go through it all alone. There IS help. Call 1-800-550-4900 for a confidential conversation with someone that cares about you and your baby and can direct you to the help you need. If you are suffering from a past abortion experience, male or female, a year ago, or thirty years ago, you don't have to suffer anymore. Call 1-866-469-7326 and they'll help you locate a post-abortive ministry in your area.

Age: 28
Location: Iowa
Date: May 26, 2010

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