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I can't express enough how much of a bad person I think I am daily. I was 17 when I got pregnant, by a former boyfriend. We dated for two years. It wasn't the best relationship, things were real complicated between us. Of course we broke up when I got pregnant, but after having unprotected sex for so long I never thought it would happen. (I am dumb for that by the way). My parents were never the type to talk to me and be open about sex and the precautions you take to avoid situations that I was put in, so I partly blame them for it. I asked numerous times to be put on birth control and my mother wouldn't. I just wanted to be safe. Me and my [ex] boyfriend had what I would call, a love/hate relationship. One day we would like each other and the next we wanted nothing to do with each other. When I got pregnant, I literally wanted to die. I didn't want to even tell him that I was pregnant because at the time we hated each other so I told his mom first. I had no idea what to think at the time. I was so numb. I took two tests and both were positive. I ended up telling him and he was more shocked then I was (not that his selfish self had to deal with ANYTHING). Throughout our relationship he always said he wanted to have kids with me but when it came down to it, he wanted it gone. We never talked about it much. The only time we would talk is if he rudely asked 'did you get rid of it?' How can someone refer to THEIR CHILD as an 'it' seriously? This pregnancy wasn't planned at all so when I got pregnant I seriously didn't know what to do. I was a senior in high school, a few months away from graduating. I thought about many different choices that I could make, but was way too scared to tell my parents. I ended up going almost 3 months without telling them and one day, I just told them. My parents were furious, especially because they HATED my boyfriend. Neither of them knew I was even having sex, so I had to lie and say that it was my first time and I just ended up getting pregnant. My mother didn't talk to me for weeks. They never discussed anything with me on what my choice was or what I was thinking about doing with the baby. My mom just took it upon herself to call my doctor to find the best clinic around, then told me she set up an appointment for an abortion. I didn't think about it at the time, that this was the wrong decision - she's my mother - I figured she knew what was best for me so I just went with it. She wouldn't come to the appointment with me, so my dad and sister came. I was terrified. Walking into the clinic was scary, but I saw a ton of other girls my age there, which calmed me down a little bit. What was happening didn't hit me until I was sitting there waiting. After a while a nurse came to bring me upstairs. She gave me an ultra sound and told me I was 12 weeks. Then it was all over. I don't remember much except for feeling sick when I woke up. I ended up going home and felt fine the next day. I actually felt like my life started over, I felt like a brand new person with an excellent attitude. It didn't hit me for a few months about what I actually did. It's been over a year now since my abortion. I graduated high school, just finished my first year of college and couldn't be more proud of myself. I don't talk to my ex anymore, thank God. Some days are worse then others but I definitely have bad days. Sometimes I could just see a baby and get emotional. Or it could be a song. I could see a certain person, a lot of things run through my mind. I wonder if I would have had a little boy or girl, and I wonder if he/she would be just like me. Today, I am a stronger person because of it and I try to look at the positives rather the negatives. I did this to better myself and my life. My child would have had a deadbeat, loser, drug addicted father and I would have been raising a child on my own. I would have lost my freedom and teenage years so I know that the choice was only to better myself and my life, but it has left me so hurt knowing that I could have brought a child into this world and Instead was selfish. I try to not hate myself for it but most days I truly do. Girls, if your ever in this situation, PLEASE make sure you look at this from start to end. Look at your life 5, even 10 years from now. Ask yourself if this is right for you. If you think you can't raise a child on your own right now, there's always someone else out there that can so give a child a chance. Don't be selfish and always, always always consider your options before making any decisions. Don't let anyone run your life; it's YOUR life and you have the rights. Thanks for listening, it feels good to be able to talk.

Age: 18
Location: Bellingham, MA
Date: June 18, 2011